Get Tiger Purring

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.

There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.

He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.

I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.

Signed,

Sad Golfer

Dear Sad Golfer,

I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.

As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.

Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.

This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.

The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self. 

We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.

When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.

In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.

But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.

From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.

A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up.  Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.

Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.

Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.

Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.

Why Do We Push People Away?

            WHY DO WE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY?

         Originally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Dear New Shrink,

For years now, I have found myself getting really involved with people, girlfriends and guys alike, and then for little or no reason, pushing them away.

I am really good at it so they get hurt and usually want nothing to do with me after that.

At first, I am relieved but then after that wears off, I find myself missing them and wishing I had never done it. It’s usually too late but I don’t really try and I find myself making a million excuses on why it is for the best.

I think I lie to myself a lot.

Why am I doing this and how can I stop?

Signed,

The Push Away Queen

Dear Push Away Queen,

We all need to be good at something and it sounds like your have perfected this but all kidding aside, this does sound like a serious emotional problem.

Obviously, if you don’t get help with this and it continues, you will find yourself very alone.

The good news is that you recognize it and it seems that you have done so early on. Many people do the same exact thing but they are subtle about it and do not recognize it in themselves.

You may lie to yourself but at least you know that you are doing it. Trust me, lots of people do this very same thing and they lie to themselves but they haven’t a clue.

They ask questions that are more along the lines of “why can’t I find a partner that is good for me, or good enough for me. Or what’s wrong with people in this town, you can’t find anyone that you would really want to date.”

It is likely that these folks may have a social phobia or a great fear of rejection. Some may entertain narcissistic fantasies that only an imagined perfect partner will do; one that makes them feel good, i.e., as in pumping up self-esteem.

Some of these people reject or push away others without ever giving them a chance.

You on the other hand, get very close and involved and then, push people away.  It sounds like you have what I refer to as an attachment problem. It sounds like you need to be close but then get very frightened of being rejected, abandoned or pushed away yourself.

We tend to push others away because we have been and fear being pushed away ourselves.

Please think about your history of personal and family relations. Was there a rejection or abandonment that was hurtful to you, probably really hurtful?

If you can identify it, talk to someone about it or write about it, it may go away. However, you may need to consider psychotherapy if this does not resolve it.

There are also numerous other possibilities that generally require a little time with a psychotherapist to get it right and really work it out.

One of these possibilities is feeling like you will become overwhelmed and lose yourself in a close relationship. Another one is a fear of ending up responsible for that person you have become close to.

If you cannot tolerate closeness or separation, the problem may be even more serious, definitely requiring treatment.

Having said that, if you can figure it out with the initial questions that I have posed, you may just need to process some feelings and move on to a healthier and happier behavior.

However, if you are someone who does not want to need anyone or if you find that you can’t do it alone, do yourself a big favor and seek professional help. Just make sure the psychotherapist is skilled in attachment issues and a psychodynamic type of therapy.

Ask a potential therapist questions like what is your degree, are you licensed and how long have your been practicing? What is your orientation with respect to therapy?

You want someone licensed, in practice for a few years or more, and with a psychodynamic orientation. If they not licensed, make sure that they are under the supervision of someone who has all of the above credentials.

Good Luck!  This is not something you want to continue and I am glad for you that you wrote in now. I hope you take my advice and please feel free to call me if you have questions.

Alcoholism in My Family

Alcoholism In My Family, Should I Be Concerned?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Dear New Shrink,

I grew up in an alcoholic family and for a long time told myself that I would NEVER be like my family. I am not anything like them yet but I now find myself worried that it will all catch up with me.  It’s almost like a dark cloud following me. For some reason, I started to worry when my father died from his alcoholism about a year and a half ago. My mother is still alive but she is so bitter and is difficult to be around. My siblings are so different you would not think that we are related.

I am a high achiever and do not drink other than an occasional glass of wine with dinner but I do have a problem trusting relationships. One of my brothers is a drug addict and I have a sister who does not want to be close to any of us.  Can you educate me on the basic concerns that I should have or advise me on what I should do or know?

Signed,

Son of alcoholic parents

Dear Son,

This is such an important issue. One out of four families in our country are affected by alcoholism. Moreover, the children of alcoholics have a 4-5 times greater chance of developing alcoholism from a genetic perspective.

Knowing that there is definitely a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, if you are the child of an alcoholic you should learn all that you can and be very careful; children should also be alerted when the appropriate time comes. This is because alcoholism tends to skip generations precisely because of what you said about never wanting to be like your family. If and when you have kids they won’t see and experience the same thing so they won’t be defended against it. But they will have the genetic vulnerability.

Having said that, armed with this knowledge, you are not a shoe in for alcoholism. You can override genetic predispositions by making the correct and healthy behavioral choices. In truth, only one in five children of alcoholics (COA) become alcoholic themselves. I realize that this can be confusing but it has to do with the way a study is done. Among alcoholics, 58% have alcoholism in their families. When studying for life time prevalence, study after study shows a 4-5 times greater probability for developing it among offspring but when just looking at children of alcoholics (COA), only 1 out of 5 become alcoholics themselves.

However, many COA develop emotional or psychological problems from growing up in alcoholic families. It is not uncommon to have relationship problems because you have grown up with them. Alcoholism takes center stage, everyone adjusts to it and around it, tension is high and in many ways childhoods are aborted.

You mentioned your Mother being bitter and you also say you had alcoholic parents. It sounds like she had a problem also but even if she didn’t, it is not unusual for a wife to try to drink with her husband but she usually gives up when she cannot keep up, Her whole world becomes preoccupied with his every move and her lost dreams. If she can’t get him into treatment, she will usually start reorganizing the family to keep him on the outside. Children can get lost in the shuffle.

COA often become overly responsible and they also become caretakers, a natural role for them. Some act out their hurt and rage like your brother has.  Most COA do not have the time or safe environment to find out who they really are or what they really want out of life because they are too busy surviving and avoiding the conflict. Many become chameleons as a means of survival. And one of the biggest problems COA have is trusting others. Abandonment and loss of attentive parents, normal childhoods, and predictable secure homes all contribute to this.

If you couldn’t trust your own parents or family at whatever level, it will be difficult to trust others. You probably have come to believe that others will hurt and disappoint you if you let them get close. You may even find that you don’t trust love or marriage because of what you witnessed in your parents. Lastly, most COA continue the same defenses they used in childhood as adults. Out of the situation, these defenses usually do not serve us well. In fact, they often cause us more problems.

Get some help and learn all that you can. Besides psychotherapy, there are 12 step groups and there is a National Association of COA, which you can find on the Internet.

Thanks for writing in. Hope this helps some.

Losing our parents hurts deep inside

NATURAL OR NOT, LOSING OUR PARENTS HURTS!

Dear New Shrink,

I am slowly but surely losing my Mother, who has always been one of my best friends. It is not clear whether she just has some dementia or if she may have Alzheimer’s. I have no brothers or sisters; my father is still around but incapable of handling what is happening to his wife as he ages and is depressed by the circumstances as well.

I am obviously a baby boomer. I am college educated and fortunately have a good paying job. I can help financially but I cannot help out as much as I would like to on an emotional level because my work is so demanding.  In this economy, I cannot risk taking time off or being too preoccupied. So I stay focused and call and visit when I can but honestly, the visits are very painful and my wife complains that I am different for several days after I visit my parents.  Don’t get me wrong, my wife cares about her in-laws and she is very supportive but it’s whatever comes over me that bothers her.

I don’t truly understand it myself. I am hoping you can shed some light because while I don’t expect to be happy over my parents’ decline, I feel a bit spoiled since I have had a number of friends that lost their parents years ago from sudden illnesses, one from a heart attack and another lost both of his parents to alcoholism at a very early age. Shouldn’t I just be grateful?

Signed,

A Sad and Puzzled Man

Dear Sad and Puzzled,

Your feelings are completely normal and understandable.

I think part of it may be that you are a man who most likely was taught to compartmentalize your feelings and to be strong. But men and women alike can feel confused about how lucky they are to still have their parents when they are at an older age. No question, it is really terrible to lose a parent prematurely and unexpectedly, or from a long horrible illness.

Loss is always painful and definitely has its consequences to us if we cannot or do not deal with it.

Loss is easy to ignore or deny because it is so painful and our friends help to perpetuate this because they often feel helpless and do not want to see us suffer or to suffer the grief with us. Instant gratification, or feel good, is unfortunately, most often preferred. But I promise you; there are consequences to this that often bring serious problems to our lives.

Loss that is not dealt with, grief unprocessed, leads to depression, substance abuse, or addictions that distract us. It can also cause major problems with relationships. I am not thinking of your wife or marriage at this point but it could cause a problem there as well.

If we do not deal with loss, we generally become detached or at the very least, anxiously attached in our relationships. Being overly anxious in our relationships can drive our partners away. Often we will spoil things because we do not want to experience the heartbreak of another loss.

It is very important that you face your own loss here. You mentioned that your Mother had been a best friend. This is powerful and yes, you are lucky to have had this kind of relationship but unfortunately, you are going to feel the pain of losing her.

When we are lucky enough to have our parents live until a ripe old age, it often comes with a different kind of loss. Sometimes we   become the parent as they become more childlike. We lose the parent we have known and been close to for so long. Often it means making decisions about whether to put them in a home or assisted living or a facility for Alzheimer’s care. These are not easy decisions and actually should not be made without help. Often this really requires the help of a specialist who knows the differences in what is happening to your parent and can go over the financial aspects with you as well. Surprisingly, this is usually at no cost to you.

But please understand that it is every bit as important for you to get help with understanding and processing your personal loss. A natural part of life or not, loss is always painful and should be treated with the care and respect it and you deserve. There are bereavement groups, which are easy to find, or if you prefer a more private individualized approach, you can see a therapist like myself who specializes in grief and loss.

Please give yourself a break and respect your feelings. No matter how it occurs, loss brings grief. Don’t bury it alive.

Be True to Self and Live Happy Stress Free

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Stress Free and Happy Life Means Being True to Yourself

Dear New Shrink,

The idea of having too much free time is hard for me, but I also hate to be overly busy. It's so hard for me to find a balance; I'm either too bored or too stressed.  It's strange because I wonder why I get so antsy about having nothing to do.  But then when I have options of having full time jobs that will take almost all my time, I don't want that either.  I guess I'm just lost around this topic, and looking for some advice/suggestions as to what can be going on.

Signed

Antsy

Dear Antsy,

It’s actually a good question because it says a lot. However because I don’t know you personally, your age, gender, life circumstances, I will have to answer this in a general way, and hope that it helps you.

Many people have difficulty finding balance in their lives these days. You are not without company.

It is important to say that stress is very bad for us; it’s bad for our health and also, we do not make our best decisions under stress. On the other hand, boredom is not a natural state either. When one is bored, it generally means that they are not engaged with life. Sure, we all get bored from time to time but when it is put the way you say it, as either or and a chronic condition, there is reason for concern.

You are either not truly engaged with life as your true self would choose or you actually do not know your real Self.

People who enjoy some silence, down quiet time away from all the buzz and fuzz of everyday life, are generally more connected to their selves and tend to be more enlightened.

I am not talking about isolating, although there is a case to be made for that in certain societies. Monks are well known for their choice to be alone and silent for long periods of time. Their goal is to be enlightened and spiritual.

In our society, isolating can be a sign of depression, social phobia or an interpersonal problem.

But to be bored or antsy when alone or with nothing to do, as you put it, is a sign of not being really connected with your self. I would guess that there is a deep or at least true fear of being in touch with your real feelings about yourself, your life or others around you. The other possibility would be profound loneliness that is also like stress, very bad for our health. But then there is the question of what is causing this type of loneliness, if that is what you have.

My suggestion to you would be to try to work out what type of realistic schedule works for you, one that will not stress you out too much.

After you get that worked out, then take your down time and try something like meditation or Yoga. Definitely use the time to get real with yourself and know who you really are and what you truly feel in whatever way that works for you.

Feelings never killed anyone as long as they are processed in a healthy way. Our fear of being in touch with ourselves is usually much bigger than it needs to be.

Often fear of feeling comes from childhood feelings that at the time we were unable to deal with because we were young and did not have the tools. But most adults have the tools to deal with suppressed or hidden feelings and will be just fine in terms of getting honest with themselves. It is definitely easier to do with the help of another. A supportive friend that you can trust, a spiritual mentor or a therapist can be a big help. But even this is not always necessary especially if you do not have an unusual trauma history or a mental health problem.

The only way to a happy and healthy life is to be in touch with you and true to you. And definitely it goes without saying, that is should be as stress free as possible.

Antsy, ask yourself why? If you are honest with yourself, you will know.

 

Pause before you Plunge with those Avoidant Ones

Dear New Shrink,

Several weeks ago you wrote a great article about people who you called “anxiously attached” and tend to be jealous and clingy. You also mentioned an avoidant/detached type, which sounds like it could be my fiancée.

I tend to get anxious around him but never thought of myself as anxiously attached but in this case, I feel like I might become so. Is it possible that relationships create this or at least trigger it in us? Or am I kidding myself? Also, how do I know if l am engaged to an avoidant type of person? From what you wrote, I am wondering if this might be a big mistake, even though I love him.

Thanks so much,

Grateful for your advice

Dear Grateful,

Thank you for your kind words. I truly hope that I am helping someone with my articles; otherwise, I would not write them.

You ask excellent questions and I hope to answer them for you.

As I said in the earlier article, people are either securely attached, anxiously attached or detached and avoidant. This latter group, the detached avoidant is highly self-reliant and they often feel like they don’t need anyone. It is actually the far end of the spectrum in relationship to being securely attached, which is ideal and healthy.

These detached and avoidant folks have been the most disappointed in their attachments and while often lonely underneath their defenses make them feel as if they are in control and comfortable and from an outside perspective, they often look better off than most of us. They are usually high achievers because their intense drive to avoid needing anyone pushes them to work harder and be better than others. It is only after achievement has left them lonely at the top, that they seek help for their loneliness and accompanying depression when it starts to be felt. However, often feeling down and seeking help never happens.

Unless a major depression or severe loneliness brings them into treatment, they usually do not reach out for help.

This is because they have suffered the most injurious of losses and disappointments in their attachments, either early on or along the way. They really do not want to rely on anyone, it is simply too dangerous in their minds, and they do not trust most people, if anyone.

In terms of your question, avoidant/detached types find ways to soothe themselves because they prefer to avoid relying on others.

Because they are often very accomplished due to this drive to not need others, they often have acquired many “things” that they can use to soothe and comfort themselves with.

Honestly, they often prefer being alone and using their things and their fantasies to comfort and simulate themselves. They may have elaborate fantasies about relationships but more often than not, they are just fantasy. They actually prefer being in their own world and often view or experience relationship interactions, as intrusions.

Your question about could your partner be creating this in you is a good one. There is no one hard and fast answer but most experts would agree that if you are truly in love and he is attached but avoidant, then this indeed could be making you feel anxious. Being in a relationship and of course this means forming an attachment, always brings with it some conflict. You may have two very different attachment styles.

But one thing is for sure, to be the same with everyone is to be with no one! Our reactions to others are always somewhat a part of who they are and what they bring to a relationship. How we react and what we do with it comes back to us. It actually can become very circular.

I think the securely attached would give it a try but after a short while, call it a day. They would not tolerate the subtle (or not) rejections.

So, if you are truly hanging in and thinking of marriage yet find yourself feeling anxious and a little helpless with him, then maybe something is being triggered in you, i.e., something in your own history. Ask yourself the question, “is this a familiar feeling?” if it is not, then there is something about him that causes anxiety and a sense of being alone in the relationship.  You would be well advised to get premarital counseling before taking your vows. A life alone, albeit married, is not fun or healthy. As I have said before, there are very good treatments available today, for these types of attachment problems.  

I think you might want to “pause before you plunge.”

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed Psychologist and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Brentwood, Los Angeles. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or please write your anonymous inquires and responses to newshrink@gmail.com

Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your Life Matters.

 Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 11, 2011

Insecurity or Attachment Anxiety

              Is it Insecurity or Attachment Anxiety?

Dear New Shrink.

I feel uncomfortable around silence.  Not with people I am not close to but mostly with people who I am afraid I can lose.  I also have this issue where I feel like if I do not always have something to talk about, they will think I am boring, and lose interest in me.  I feel a need to entertain people.  For example, in my romantic relationship, I am always trying to talk about interesting things.  I am afraid if I don't have things to say, the excitement of the relationship will die, and it might end.  How do I deal with this, besides just communicating this with people in my life, and experimenting with tolerating the silence? I have tried both, and neither has helped me.

Thanks
Nervous

Dear Nervous,
You are asking the question, how do I deal with this, which feels like you are looking for a quick fix solution. You say you have tried communicating this to the people in your life and that you try to tolerate the silence.  Unfortunately, neither one is a great solution.
First off, I don’t think this is a good thing to be telling others, no matter how close you are. This puts the burden of your problem on them. Just stop and think for a minute about what you would feel like if a good friend said this to you. Even if you are a friend who cares and wants to help, what can you really say or do?
Tolerating the silence while looking within is really what you need to be doing.
You have been very open with yourself here in your question so I am going to take the liberty to be very open in my answer.
This is your problem, no one else’s. It resides inside of you and you are the only one who can change it. It is not exactly an easy thing to change. It takes some real serious work, usually psychotherapy.
In the old days, you would be referred to as neurotic. Today, most experts in the mental health field are well aware of the contributions of attachment theory and would refer to your problem as an “anxious attachment.”
The depth of research and information on attachment theory is beyond the scope of this article but to keep it simple, people are either securely attached, anxiously attached or detached and avoidant. This latter group is highly self-reliant and often feels like they don’t need anyone. It is actually the far end of the spectrum in relationship to being securely attached, which is ideal and healthy. These folks have been the most disappointed and are often lonely underneath it all but their defenses make them feel more comfortable and look better in general. They are often high achievers as the drive to not need anyone propels them. It is only after achievement has left them lonely at the top that they seek help for their loneliness and accompanying depression when it starts to be felt.
The anxiously attached are jealous, clinging and cannot tolerate any signs of possible loss or separation. They are often disliked by others because they are not only grossly misunderstood but their anxiety and accompanying behaviors are simply too uncomfortable to be around. Ironically, the anxiously attached often bring upon them, what they fear the most.
The securely attached are the lucky ones that are comfortable and healthy in their attachments.
What causes this you might ask? Loss and disappointments in our attachment histories cause it. We come to believe that we cannot count on our attachments or that if we get too close we will be disappointed or hurt all over again.
This can and often does start as early as infancy or in very early childhood, when attachment needs, which differ for each of us, are not met and/or are rejected and dismissed. This is not something we are likely to remember consciously. But we may remember it or feel at a visceral level, a kind of bodily memory.
However, unwanted separations and losses during childhood or even later in life can also lead to feeling anxious about attachments or simply giving up on them, i.e., becoming detached and avoidant.
The bottom line is that the grief attached to these losses, losses that occur in many ways from simple but repetitive disappointments in an attachment to an outright loss through death or divorce, have to be found, recognized and processed. A good therapist with this specific type of knowledge and experience can help you. Unless you know what it is and have avoided dealing with it, you will need help. Also, the good news is that these therapists being cognizant of attachment usually form a nice bond with you, which is healing in and of itself.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press, column "Life Matters."