Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press under the Life Matters Column on December 13, 2012.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My wife works six days a week and I only work one or two. I’m trying
to find a more steady gig, but in this economy I can’t seem to get work.
This has put a strain on our relationship.
What should I do to make our relationship better? I don’t want her to
be so angry with me? There is real tension in our relationship and
things seem to be souring fast.
Signed,
Under-employed
Dear Under-employed,
It is no secret that employment can be difficult to come by for many
people in this terrible economy. California has been particularly hard
hit, but the good news is that the economy does seem to be improving. In
the meantime there are all kinds of variations on this theme amongst
couples.
Traditionally it has been the man that works more outside of the home
and the wife who works less or stays at home to raise the children.
This has been changing for some time and most couples find that two
incomes are required and these days often the wife works more or is the
only one working.
However, this really is not news so I am wondering why she is so angry with you?
Does she feel that you have not tried hard enough to get work and if
so, is she correct? Do you have children and if so, who does the
majority of the childcare and household chores?
If you are one of those men who feels like it is not manly, somehow a
threat to your manhood to do what has typically been “women’s work,”
this could be a major problem.
As we end 2012 and enter 2013, it is quite realistic to think of
househusbands and/or men helping with the grocery shopping, household
chores and work that is related to the children. Cooking dinner, or
being responsible for it, if she is the one working three times as much
as you, is definitely something you should be doing or considering.
Doing the grocery shopping on those days when you don’t work and helping
with bathing the children, getting them to bed, driving them to school,
helping with their homework are all things that men tend to share and
do these days.
In the eyes of most women, it makes you more of a man, not less of
one when you step up to help out and are not locked into some
traditional role that says you are not masculine if you do what you
think of as women’s work. It is the insecurity in a man of his own
masculinity/manhood that actually makes him less of a man and often
unattractive to today’s modern woman.
Having said this, it may be truer here than in other parts of the
country because there are surprising differences in how people think and
feel in different parts of our country.
I am assuming you are in Los Angeles and what I am saying here is
certainly true for most folks both here and in other major metropolitan
cities across the country. However, if you are from another part of the
country or both you and your wife are from different backgrounds and
have different expectations about your marital roles, then this is
surely part of the problem.
Again, I am very curious about why she is so angry with you. It
cannot be for no good reason. You must have very different expectations
and it sounds like you are not able to really talk these through.
Many couples these days find themselves in financial and employment
situations that are not ideal, but they are able to recognize the
economic climate and because they love each other and talk it through,
they come to some type of understanding that serves them for the time
being.
You really need to ask yourself why she is so angry with you. What
can or should you be doing differently? Are you trying hard enough to
get work? Do you care that she works more than you do? If you care and
can’t get equal work, are you doing enough to help with work around the
house?
Are you doing what you can to be empathic and helpful to your wife or are you in some kind of standoff or power struggle?
Don’t let pride get in your way. If you truly want to have your wife
be less angry, try to understand what is going on and talk with her.
Apologize if you need to and ask her what you can do to help things be
better between you.
And I certainly wish you more work, if you want it. Hopefully better days are ahead for all of us.
