Marriages Ending Badly

Why Do So Many Marriages end badly and so quickly?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Dear New Shrink,

I am engaged and in the process of planning my wedding. Most of my friends have already gotten married but a number of them also have already split up. Some of them have young children that they are already arguing over. It’s really sad.

I just don’t understand it and it worries me for myself.

Signed,

Worried about marriage

Dear Worried,

Great question and I hope to be helpful. Unfortunately it is true, at least here in the US and in North America; close to half of all first marriages end in divorce and there are even higher rates of divorce for second and third marriages.

Divorces are more likely in the young i.e., those who marry before the age of 25. They are still high but decline in percentage between ages 25-30 and the rates go way down after the age 30.

In our country there is no question that for most people, there is a great deal more maturity after 25 and then certainly after 30. We are generally much more aware of what we want in our late twenties and early thirties. Actually, our brains don’t even stop growing until age 25.

So I would say that part of the problem is that it is easy to fall in love especially when we are young but it is not so easy to stay in love. We call it “falling” into love because that is what it is, a falling into something. However, when the dust settles and we are faced with the realities of what we are, who are partners are and the differences and problems that exist in all relationships, the only easy falling is out.

It is now time for work, building a relationship that will work for both partners and can sustain the ebb and flow that always occurs in a relationship.

This work seems so difficult for us to do.  We have become use to getting what we want; having instant results and answers and also, divorce has become okay with many of us. It no longer carries the stigma that is use to do.

We are not taking the time to develop our patience, our characters and to really work on the problems that face us. We are use to the Internet and finding quick solutions and easy answers. But relationships are different because as human beings we are complex, have feelings and relationships require process. They are inheritantly conflictual, they not ever going to be instant and easy.

We can make them easier by taking marriage seriously and doing some premarital counseling.  This is a short term, maybe six to eight session work that examines our internalized views of family and our role expectations for our partners and ourselves. For example, we usually have ideas about what makes a good wife and what makes for a good husband. There are two sets of expectations making for the possibility of very different ideas about what is right or wrong.

In premarital work, you figure out what these expectations are and how closely they match. If they don’t, then you have the opportunity to work it out in advance or perhaps you decide you are not as well suited for each other as you thought.

It is easy to talk about goals and feelings and what you want going forward. But who will take out the trash, which one will be responsible for the social calendar, the bills, meals and the many things that go with having children is not something most folks think about or work out in advance. There can be some very hurt feelings and big resentments when things don’t go as expected.

Working this out in advance may not sound very romantic but it definitely can save a lot of heartache down the road.

There is another thing to note and that is while there are more divorces among the childless, it is with the birth of the first child that a lot of marital problems begin. This is because we go from being a romantic dyad to a triangle. Triangles are difficult to negotiate and infants cannot be negotiated. The relationship that we have become accustom to changes and if we are not prepared for it, dads can feel left out, hurt and angry and look for solace elsewhere e.g., in work, drinking or an affair. Moms can easily feel abandoned if their husbands are suddenly not as available when they need them the most. Often couples start fighting and don’t even know what they are fighting about.  Lack of sleep does help but the point is that if they don’t start talking and figure it out, they are headed for a fall into the divorce pool.

Good News is that this can all be prevented with education, a thorough understanding of what can happen and ideally, some quick helpful premarital counseling.

Good Luck with your wedding and marriage.

Is Pot Causing My Son to be a Deadbeat

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

My husband and I are very worried about our son. He is in his mid twenties, has had an excellent education but all that he seems to be interested in is staying up late to play video games and sleeping until noon. He hasn’t gotten a job, doesn’t even look for one; he also doesn’t seem to be interested in having a girlfriend. Actually, he seems interested in very little.

We have been told that he smokes marijuana every day but he denies it. We both think that we have smelled it.

We realize that we are probably enabling him by allowing him to stay in our home but at the same time, the job market is bad and we are terribly worried about what will happen if we ask him to leave.

He simply does not seem capable of taking care of himself. This by the way is very different from the teenage son we use to have. Everything about him seems very different.

Can you tell us how to know if marijuana is causing this? What should we be doing if it is?

Signed,

Worried Parents

Dear Worried Parents,

I am sorry to say that you should be worried but there are some things that you can do.

I can’t say for sure that your son is smoking marijuana but he sure fits the profile. Marijuana is very easy to obtain, many people think that it is benign and most young people are trying it and many are using it regularly.

Marijuana is much stronger than it use to be and it has a very long half life which is the number of hours or days that the drug is still in your system. It also stores in the fat cells, so daily users are really stoned all of the time whether they realize it or not.

Everything you said about your son is consistent with what can happen with regular marijuana use. Contrary to popular opinion, it is addictive. Addiction means difficulty with controlling drug use (or a behavior) and not being able to stop even though it is interfering with one’s life.

There is documented proof that many regular long-term users experience a withdrawal syndrome of irritability, anxiety, sleeping problems and craving. Fifteen percent (15%) of people entering drug treatment say that marijuana is their drug of choice.

Marijuana is linked with several very disturbing mental health problems. There is strong evidence suggesting that it can lead to psychosis or a brief psychotic episode that gradually fades away when the drug is withdrawn.

Research has shown definite negative effects on attention; memory and learning all of which can last for days or weeks after the acute effects wear off. There is really no question that regular users are impaired in their daily functioning.

This is not to say that marijuana is bad in general or for all people. I am not talking about occasional social or recreational use of marijuana. Generally, it is the regular users of it that experience the negative effects and are at increased risk for psychosis, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety or personality disturbances. Of course, like alcohol, marijuana is very intoxicating and no one should drive under its influence.

One of the longest standing concerns about marijuana has been with what is known as “amotivational syndrome,” which is a diminished or absent drive to participate in what would typically be rewarding experiences. Along with reduced intellectual ability and the cognitive impairment associated with regular use, it is no surprise that many of these people have less educational accomplishments, lower incomes and far lower career achievements.

The good news is that you can do something for your son. You can take him to your family physician to be tested or there are over the counter drug tests that are very reliable. If he is using regularly and cannot stop, it would clearly explain the behavior you are worried about. You son may need help to quit and get started up again with a normal life.

There are treatment programs and there are addiction specialists that can help him if he can’t help himself. Some physicians or psychiatrists that specialize in addiction medicine may prescribe some temporary medications to help him detoxify. There are also groups and 12-Step Programs for marijuana users.

If what you are seeing and thinking is correct, your son most likely needs help. And enabling him will not help him. There is something in between putting him out vs. continuing to support him while looking the other way.

Find out what is truly going on and do something about it.

Best of Luck!