Paying attention to red flags is important

 Too often we avoid red flags and latter regret it.  Dr Barge weighs in on when we should listen to our intuition.

Dear New Shrink,

Why do people ignore "red flags?" I know I have done it in the past with relationships. I now know better but never really understood why I did it. And now we are hearing about it again and again on the news. Why are we all so stupid?

Signed,
Do Not Understand

Dear Do Not Understand,

You ask a really interesting question. Definitely with these shootings by the Army psychiatrist, the rape of a 15-year-old girl in Richmond, the paroled man who kidnapped, raped and fathered children with a young girl and may have killed a number of others, this is an important question. Even with our quieter suicides, unfortunate or unnecessary deaths, broken marriages, bad relationships, almost always someone or a number of people come forward to talk about what they noticed but yet said or did nothing about. Obviously in the end, it does seem stupid. But the real causes range from minding our own business, being politically correct, not wanting to cause a problem, being unsure of ourselves, not trusting our instincts to hoping that "it" will just take care of itself, work itself out or someone else will do something. Most of these sort of run together but in my opinion, we really need to rethink this. There are simply too many disastrous results when we look the other way and ignore, as you say, the red flags.

Usually if we take the time out to listen to our instincts, our gut, we will know what we need to know. But the mind can get in the way and tell us a hundred reasons why we are wrong or shouldn't do anything about what we are intuiting. It's best to tell the chatter to shut up, go away and listen to what that deeper part of yourself is saying and even ask it, what are you picking up on? Something is going on here, what is it?

Once you feel strongly about what you are feeling, the next step is deciding what to do about it. Depending on what it is, there are numerous alternatives. If it's a personal matter, or something with a friend or relative, ask yourself what might happen if you don't say anything. In a relationship, problems that are not addressed often lead to the end of it. If a friend is drinking too much or engaging in self destructive behavior or maybe just seems depressed, ask yourself whether you are really being a good and caring friend if you do not say anything. There are ways to say things. In these personal matters, coming from the heart and making sure there is no negative judgment, resentment or criticizing, can make a big difference. It can actually save someone's life.

In larger matters where it's a colleague, fellow student or neighbor, sometimes it's best to be less direct and seek help or guidance. Ask others that you trust if they have noticed anything unusual or go to a higher up and explain that you are not trying to cause trouble but at the same time you don't want to be part of a really bad outcome. Share your concerns.

Back to why do we ignore red flags? I have answered much of your question but there is another reason, and that is hope — hope that it will go away, work itself out or someone else will fix it. Hope is an interesting thing. We need it at times, for sure. It is similar to faith but not exactly the same. Hope always includes fear; the fear that something will not happen or that what is hoped for will. If you really think about it, it is like a drug. We use hope like a drug, to make an uncomfortable reality go away. It is very different from trust. Generally trust has a rational, more solid basis. This is not to say that we haven't had situations where it turns out that what we trusted, we should not have. But hope is not based on rationale; it's just hope. We use it when we need it and sometimes we get lucky but often we do not.

These words faith, trust and hope are used interchangeably but they are not the same. Hope has a dark side to it. If you are hoping that the chemotherapy of a relative is going to work, it's understandable but you should also prepare yourself. When you are talking about red flags, it's best to ask yourself "do I trust that my partner is faithful to me, or that the neighbor or professor is going to do something about what I am noticing? Or am I hoping?" If you are hoping, you should rethink it and maybe pay more attention. Red flags do mean something!

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Excessive worrying can be a burden too big to bare

Dr Barge has some insight on when worrying can be a little too much to be healthy, and in fact, quite unhealthy.

Dear New Shrink,

For the last few years, I have been suffering from chronic stomachaches, heartburn and acid reflux. My doctor says he believes these symptoms are all related to my stress level. I will admit I am somewhat of a worrier. There isn't anything unbearable or tragic going on in my life right now but I do constantly find myself worrying about work, school and what's going to happen tomorrow. I find myself even worrying about the littlest things. How can I control this? How can I stop worrying so much?

Help,
Worrywart

Dear Worrywart,

A lot of people worry in an excessive way. There is often something that might cause worry for most people but to be healthy, to keep it in perspective, worry should not be so excessive as to cause symptoms such as these or something similar like headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, insomnia or fatigue. Excessive worry is a complete waste of time; it does absolutely no good at all except that it can give us an illusion of being in control. In this sense, it is a defense mechanism. But as you point out indirectly in describing your painful symptoms, it is often a costly one. When you have stomach problems and acid reflux, your problem has become quite serious. Acid reflux can lead to cancer of the esophagus, one of the leading cancers in the United States right now. Worrying can also be easily classified as negative stress, which can compromise our immune systems. Not to mention, if you worry long enough and hard enough, you can drive your blood pressure up.

Sometimes, worrying is caused from an underlying anxiety disorder or what is known as obsessive-compulsive disorder. These conditions can be treated with a psychotropic medication from the SSRI group or with certain types of talk therapy. Meditation and yoga can also be helpful in teaching you how to control your own mind.

Certainly something needs to be done when it gets as bad as you describe. You said you are in school, so I wonder about your age and how long you have had these symptoms? The sooner you catch it, the better. You also say that nothing bad is going on "right now," so I wonder if something bad happened in the past. In a similar vein, I also wonder if something unexpected happened that was difficult for you to deal with. If so, you might have what is known as post-traumatic stress. There are a lot of questions I might ask if I were your doctor. For now, I would just say again, take this very seriously and find a solution that works for you.

Ask yourself why you think you might be worrying so much? Did something happen to you that you need to get over? Are you sure that there is nothing to worry about? Are your loved ones OK? Is someone close to you having problems that concern you? Is there anything that you can actually do? If so, do it but then work on letting it go.

Definitely ask yourself if you feel more in control when you worry. Does it really get you what you want? Ask yourself if it's worth it to worry so much; can you afford the consequences of these physical symptoms if they continue? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be. This alone can lead you to possible solutions.

Try exercise, which can eliminate stress, and try meditation or yoga. These things along with rigorous self-honesty can take you a long way. If you cannot stop this on your own, please recognize that you need help. The professional help you might need should be short and sweet, so to speak.

Most of all remember that worry is not an honest feeling. It is an emotion we design to give ourselves a sense of control. But it is only an illusion. What have you ever actually changed or even controlled with your worry? I recently wrote an article that included a similar sentiment about hope. Just like hope, worry can be used like a drug. It is not always used in good faith and it can either let us down or end up causing us unpleasant consequences. Use it if you need it, but learn to do so sparingly and appropriately but then, let it go. You will be better for it!

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Sibling stanoffs can be quite painful to bear

Brentwood Psychologist Dr. Barge gives tips on how to mend a seeming broken relationship with a sibling/

Dear New Shrink,

I am very troubled over my relationship with my brother. We were pretty close growing up and then even closer when our father died during our teenage years. We now share the responsibility for our ailing mother so it is important that we get along. But for some time now, we seem to be at odds. I think my sister in-law dislikes me so that does not help, but I honestly do not understand why he seems so angry toward me. I would really like to be closer to him. It is really painful now that the holidays are approaching. I dread being in the same room.

Signed,
Hurt Sibling


Dear Hurt Sibling,

This is most unfortunate and I hope that I can help. Thankfully, most siblings remain close and actually provide a great emotional attachment for each other for 20 years or more beyond their parental ties. They are clearly lucky but it goes beyond luck. There are many siblings at odds as you say, or in a kind of cold war. There are even studies that show that siblings account for about 60 percent of domestic violence, when living under the same roof.

There are many causes for sibling problems and I hope parents that read this will pay attention because this can truly be a great source of pain for everyone later in life.

Sibling rivalry is common place among Americans. The good news is that parents can do a lot to intervene if they understand it, look for it and do something about it.

I advise parents to find a way to include their first child when they have the second. Have that child help with the new baby; find special time for the first and realize how easy it is for that child to become jealous if you don't. Often sibling problems are rooted in one child being viewed as favored even when it isn't so. Even if it is, one hopes that the parents will go out of their way not to show favoritism.

Sometimes there is family dysfunction and one child becomes the scapegoat. This clearly leads to the perception of one or more being favored. Sometimes a parent is ill and the eldest has to assume a parental role which can lead to hostility toward that child. This is because they are either perceived as bossy or sometimes because they did not fulfill the subconscious needs and expectations of the younger ones who hoped that they would be more like the missing parent.

Of course, even in the same family, all children are not alike. Some may be better looking, more popular or end up more accomplished and as adults, perhaps have a better socioeconomic status. Jealousy is definitely a big factor in sibling problems. Even as adults, new problems can occur because of jealousy or anger. It might be over one having more success, or over lifestyle or politics. It can also happen when one has or feels like they have the lion's share of responsibility for the family or aging parents.

In-laws can definitely be divisive, especially if they have an agenda or ax to grind. This is especially difficult to deal with if your sibling does not honor your attachment or have the courage to stand up for it.

Finally, money causes more problems when it gets toward the end of the line with parents, and the family as you have known it draws to a close. It's hard to know when it is really about greed or when the sadness is replaced by anger at feeling cheated by the loss. If there is a will that is fair, there should not be a problem, but we have all heard the horror stories.

As for the holidays, your first priority should be to get through them in a peaceful way. If you get together, consider your seating arrangement and definitely keep alcohol at a minimum. This may be when you want to drink the most but it can only lead to disaster. Also, go in with a promise to yourself that you will not react. Refuse to fight!

After the holidays, consider writing your brother a letter, one that is kind and expresses your sadness over the loss of your relationship. Tell him that you miss him; extend a hand. Perhaps apologize for your part and if you don't know what that is, be prepared to listen to his side of the story. You may have hurt him unwittingly. It is better to be happy than to fight or be "right."

Good luck!

Dr. Barge
 **Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Addiction is a serious problem

Sometimes making a new years resolution to quit drinking isn't enough to combat a serious problem.  We need support.  Dr. Barge weighs in. 

Dear New Shrink,

I have tried to stop drinking but have not been able to, even after getting a DUI. But I feel ready and have made a New Year's resolution to stop! My family wants me to go to rehab but I really do not think I need it. What do you think? How do others do it?

Signed,
Determined

 
Dear Determined,

You can resolve all you want but it won't help if you have a problem. I don't know you, so I cannot say what is best but with a DUI and your family thinking you need rehab, it looks like you just might have a problem that is a little more serious than you think. This is not to say you need a $60,000 rehab but you probably should not try to go it alone. Few people are able to do it on their own, without support you probably will not make it and if you do, you will be "white knuckling it," meaning that you will basically be what is known as a dry drunk and you won't have the serenity that can come with a recovery program.

The word rehab actually means rehabilitation and this can happen in a number of ways. It has come to be associated with in-patient programs but while they are fashionable, they are not always necessary. They actually are more of a luxury than necessity in many cases. Not everyone needs horses, pilates and a gourmet chef in order to get sober.

For more than half a century, most folks with a drinking problem just walked into AA meetings and with the love and support they found from others who really understood them, they often did just fine. Because of its success, there are now 12-step meetings for almost every form of addiction.

But as other drug use increased along with the use of alcohol, and because of what is known as dual diagnosis, some people required a lot more than meetings alone. Dual diagnosis is when there is a mental health problem along with substance abuse and/or other addictions.

In-patient programs started to spread in the 1980s but then many shut down because they were costly, insurance would no longer pay for them and they often did not yield better results. Now there are far fewer and many of them are very costly.

The advantage of course is that you are taken away from your current environment where there are multiple triggers and most likely, co-dependent relationships. You have lots of doctors and counselors helping you 24/7 while you focus on your addiction and recovery. For people with multiple addictions and serious situations at home, this is often preferred if affordable.

But while this might be nice, even ideal, not everyone has the money or can get away. Some people don't want it. They prefer to start privately and quietly. The good news is that out-patient treatment has worked very well for the majority of folks for many years now.

You have the option of seeking help with a physician who is certified in addiction medicine or you can see a psychologist who is certified in the treatment of substance abuse or addictions. Both will do thorough evaluations and you can begin an individualized treatment program. If detoxification is needed, it can be arranged. Most alcoholics or alcohol addicts can detoxify at home with minor medications. Your family may be asked to come in for some counseling with you. This is a critical step because the people who love you will often be your biggest enablers and probably have some feelings to work out themselves. You are going to need your relationships to be healthy. And for married alcoholics who get sober, there are only three options: get help together, go back to drinking or split up.

A good doctor that really knows about addiction will help you sort out your relationships, make a healthy environment for yourself and help you to identify and work on any psychological problems that contributed to this in the first place. Ideally you will also go to 12-step meetings where you have 24/7 support from people who truly care but some get sober without it. All of this can be done out-patient and is far less costly.

Bottom line, you have four choices: go it alone; go to 12-step meetings only; go into rehab; or see a specialist who can help you while you continue to live at home.

Good Luck!

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to get a man in your life to talk about his depressed feelings

Brentwood CA Therapist Dr. Barge gives advice on this difficult issue

Dear New Shrink,

My family is very worried about my brother. Over the past year he has become increasingly sullen, moody, irritable and difficult to get along with. He is very successful in his career and he is also the oldest child, which seems to contribute to his attitude of "you can't tell me anything." His wife is getting kind of fed up and frankly, we don't understand how this change in him — he is almost like a stranger — could keep from interfering with his job performance. We think he is depressed, but he insists that he is not. Is it possible that he is depressed and how can we tell for sure and how can we tell him?

Signed,
Worried


Dear Worried,

Depression is absolutely a possibility, in fact it sounds like a pretty good hunch on your part. The fact that he denies it means nothing and actually is fairly common among men. In our society, men tend to think they are not real men, that they are somehow weak, if they admit to the feelings or symptoms that go along with depression such as hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, exhaustion, sadness, moodiness, or not being able to take care of oneself.

Depression can take on many forms but there are two that I want to highlight. In the mental health field we refer to these as retarded depression or agitated depression. The first is evidenced by someone being slowed down, sad, tired, and weepy and actually, more obviously depressed. The agitated type shows up as agitation, irritability, short-tempered, difficult. Unfortunately, it is the type we are least sympathetic to and it can be the most dangerous. These are the folks that can put their foot to the pedal and drive off a cliff.

An agitated depression often causes others to get fed up and walk away from the person they once loved, or admired or worked so well with. You have good reason to worry about your brother because many men simply will not admit to this and they stand a four times greater chance of committing suicide. Depression is also linked to heart attacks, strokes and other serious medical problems. Men are more likely to try to mask their problem with alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior that becomes a distraction and makes them feel better temporarily, but can lead to dire consequences.

Women are much more likely to discuss their depressed feelings openly. Unfortunately, we have come to accept depression in women and actually for hundreds of years, depression was thought of as a woman's disease. It was literally thought to be connected to the hormonal problems that women can experience along with their menstrual periods or menopause.

We now know that depression exists in the brain, whether it started there or not. It is not something one chooses to have; it is actually very painful. This is not to say that we do not make our own choices along the way that may lead us into a depression, we do. Anger turned inward is a major cause of depression. But by the time you have these symptoms and it becomes unbearable to you or those around you, it is in the brain.

Fortunately, there are many excellent treatments now and new ones coming all the time. Neuroscience has shown that certain types of talk therapy can actually change depression in the brain and there is also an array of good medication. The problem is in getting someone to admit to depression and seek the help that they need. It can be difficult for anyone to admit to; we are a society that likes to think we can control just about anything.

If you are a guy who is feeling irritable, becomes easily frustrated over small things, finds yourself screaming at people you care about and you simply do not feel good, be courageous and take charge of your life now. Get the help you need. Talk to your doctor or call a mental health professional. Go online and find out about depression; it really can happen to anyone, a man or a woman.

For men who just cannot seem to do it, maybe their wives, sisters or relatives will have to start the process. Worried, you and your family can see a professional to help you find the best way to approach your brother, if he can't do it. Usually, it is worth the effort.

Good Luck!

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to tell if your child is actually depressed and not

Dear New Shrink,

After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?

Signed,
Curious Mom

 
Dear Curious Mom,

Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.

Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.

While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.

In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.

In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.

Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.

The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.

The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.

Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.

We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.

Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood therapist Dr Barge gives insight on how to deal with the plight of the economy

Have you lost your job? Has someone in your family or close to you lost theirs? Or have you or your family lost a significant amount of your savings, or worse yet, your home?

Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.

Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.

Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.

Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.

This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.

So what can we do during these tough economic times?

If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.

In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.

We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.

Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.

Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.

Try these things:

1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.

2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.

3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.

4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.

You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.

Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.

Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press

Hug or not to Hug

Do you come from a non-affectionate family and have trouble showing affection to the ones you love?  Dr Barge weighs in on how to overcome those barriers. 

Dear New Shrink,

I have been wondering and worrying about how I can let the people I love know that I love them. I come from a kind of hands off, non-demonstrative family and we just do not say I love you or even give hugs or embraces. Yet I know we all care deeply about one another. I find myself following in the same foot steps, but I want to change it. I just do not know how to go about it. I am known for sending the best cards, with the best messages, but while this may be good enough for those I send them to, I don't feel satisfied or that I have communicated the deeper and close feelings that I really have.

Can you suggest anything?

Signed,
Not sure
 
Dear Not Sure,

Well you sound like someone who has matured enough to understand that someone we deeply care about can be taken from us in a flash. I don't mean to seem morbid but it is one of those things about life that is unfortunately true.

I have had a number of close friends that have lost someone suddenly and a couple of my own friends died prematurely. Having studied attachment and loss, I can promise you one thing; if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss. We are always grief stricken with loss of any kind, but if we have unfinished business, left over resentment or we simply have not said the things we needed to say to someone, loss hits us much harder. I have had patients that literally spent years regretting that they never told someone that they loved them, or made it clear how important that somebody was to them.

While you haven't said anything about loss, I wanted to include it because it may be an unconscious factor in your wanting to change. The other factor is probably your own desire for closeness. It is definitely more satisfying to be intimate and most of us need or crave it.

If you come from a family or culture, which can play a huge role, where folks do not seem to be demonstrative or know how to say I love you directly to each other, then it is normal for you to be hesitant or not to know how to go about it.

My recommendation is to start slow, with baby steps so to speak. First off, pick the people you want to do this with the most or that might be the easiest for you. Make a list of the top few then make a list for the next people in line.

Start by putting a hand on their shoulder, then if it works out, next time try an arm around the shoulders with a quick squeeze. Perhaps you try a peck on the cheek if and when appropriate. Stick with this for a while and then when it feels comfortable, you can move to a hug. As things move along organically and it all feels OK, then try a bigger hug or saying I love you.

It's important to go slowly because you don't want to scare people. If you have never done it, and you start off with a big bang, they are going to wonder if something is wrong, maybe you have an illness and are not telling them. Maybe they will think you have taken to smoking something. The point is you do not want to scare anyone and if you are too quick and too much all at once, you will.

A slow and gradual approach will probably be easier for you as well as more comfortable for them.

I must warn you, there are those folks that simply do not like demonstration of feeling and never get comfortable with it. I think if you do it in this slow and easy way, you will know who to continue with. Don't take it personally if someone you care about is uncomfortable and seems to back off. They might just be one of these people who are just too uncomfortable or it may be that the next time around, they will be more responsive. This latter example is generally the case.

I think most of us like to hear that someone cares about or loves us. It really is just a matter of not changing it up on them too fast.

Good Luck; I am sure you can do it.

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Make the best of forthcoming goodbyes

Saying goodbye to a loved one is never an easy process, but Dr Barge gives tips to make the process at least a little less abrupt and tumultuous

Dear New Shrink,

I am interested in a comment you made in one of your last columns where you said "if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss." This struck a chord with me because my best friend was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. Unfortunately his doctors did not catch this early enough to treat and he has been given only four months to live. I know that it will be hard to say goodbye and even harder once he is gone. What can I do to make the most of this short time so that I can better handle the loss?

Signed,
Saying Goodbye


Dear Saying Goodbye,

First off, let me extend my sympathy. I hate hearing this sort of thing and of course, it is a thousand times worse for you. There are no good words that anyone can say to help soothe this kind of suffering.

In the article you referred to, I think I mentioned that I had lost a few friends prematurely; I also have studied attachment and loss. In terms of future emotional adjustment, it is extremely important that friends and family do not take our pain away. If that happens, it will only go underground and haunt us later. Grieving is very important. It is natural, normal and needs to happen.

Often friends will say things in an attempt to take the pain away, really inadequate things like "you will find another spouse," when your spouse is dying. Or "thank God you have a lot of other friends." Like this will do any good at all. It actually has the opposite effect, making us feel as if we shouldn't be grieving so much. I have said some really dim-witted things myself and then thought you of all people should know better! But to a certain extent, we are comforting ourselves too, because this kind of sadness is close to unbearable.

Regarding your point, being good with someone before you lose them is critical because if you are not, you will regret it forever or at least for a very long time.

There is a difference between an attachment and a relationship. With someone that you are close to, you generally have both. You are going to mourn the attachment when you lose it, no matter what. Again, it is natural, normal and healthy to mourn.

But if your relationship is not so good, then you will have regrets for a long time. By this I mean if you have just had a fight, or if you have resentments between you or perhaps you have never really told that special friend how important they are to you, how much you love them. Perhaps you owe them an apology or should share a regret that you both may have.

If you feel 100 percent comfortable in the relationship and there is no unfinished business between you, you should be fine.

To be sure, perhaps you should imagine life without him, once he is gone. Think hard, now while you have a chance, is there anything that you are going to wish you had said to him? Perhaps you can write a letter but not to give to him; it's simply for your clarification. You will say it instead. You have a few months so you don't need to say it all at once. But start soon because with aggressive cancer, it can all happen very quickly and with some of the treatments your friend may have, he might be too sick to listen a good part of the time.

I realize that this can be really uncomfortable to do but if you are mentally prepared, you will do much better when that final day comes.

Another thing is to not be afraid to talk about what is really happening and the inevitable — maybe even help to plan the funeral. Research has consistently shown that dying people feel very lonely when everyone around them pretends that they are going to be OK. Your friend is going to want to talk about his feelings and being a part of that can be incredibly rewarding.

Being with someone who is dying and with them when they die is nice for them and good for us. This probably sounds surprising to some readers, and perhaps it isn't best for all, but most of the time folks are really glad that they were there in the end.

Good Luck! Saying goodbye is never easy but in this case, you asked the right question and you will be glad that you did.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to keep from getting caught in the middle or two friends: Dr Barge gives out some helpful tips

Dear New Shrink,

My mom's former best friend is a good friend of mine, although they parted ways years ago, not by my friend's choice but by my mother's. The reason that they are no longer friends is somewhat fuzzy but according to my mom, her friend embarrassed her by telling her off and contradicting her in front of friends. This apparently happened two times. This friend, for the past few years, has made significant attempts to repair the relationship, apologize and try to reconnect, to no avail. Meanwhile, the friend has been wonderful to me and my family. The friend has not given up trying to mend the friendship with my mom but my mom is silent to her efforts. This is bothersome to me. First, I don't think she taught me not to forgive. Second, I don't want to explain to my kid one day why the lady who was at my wedding and in my life is not liked by my mom and that she hasn't forgiven her years later. Third, I feel I need to teach my mom to evolve as a human and heal through forgiveness. Is it possible some people really don't want to forgive and move on? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Missing a Family Friend


Dear Missing a Family Friend,

First off, I am struck with the way that you signed your question. It immediately made me feel like the loss is not only personal but a familial one for you. It would be nice to have your family back the way that you had known it. Loss is always painful, but as I have said in so many columns, allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you move on.

Regarding what you should do to help your mother, why do you feel that it is it your responsibility to help her evolve and move on? I am not so sure that this is your job.

It is actually quite possible that there is more to the story than you know. It is also quite possible that the more you attempt to change your mom the less likely you will be able to do so. There is something fundamental to human nature and that is, we all resist change when it is thrust upon us. I as a psychologist can change no one. I don't even try or think about it. I can only help others change themselves if they want to. The energy you are putting into this might be better used in forgiving your mom and allowing her to be whoever she is.

There are definitely people who do not want to change and then there are also pockets in people, all of us, that may resist change. Holding on to anger is often a defense against feeling pain or also a defense against being vulnerable to reoccurring injury.

As you said, the story is fuzzy. Perhaps your mom was injured in a way that you cannot see, she cannot describe or is simply difficult for you and her past friend to understand. Have you tried talking to your mother without trying to change her, trying to understand what the injury really is to her? This is definitely one thing that I recommend you do. Tell her how deeply you are struggling but that you also want to understand her side of things. Try to let go of your own agenda.

It is interesting that this embarrassing experience happened more than once with a best friend. I have to wonder what else was backed up in their history and how well this friend really knew your mom. We generally know when to stop with someone who is close to us. It really sounds like you want your family back as you knew it and while that is completely understandable, your mom may never be able to trust this friend again.

Lastly, I don't think you need to worry about your son. When he is old enough to see what is going on, then you can tell him that something happened that you do not understand, it bothers you but if he wants an answer, he should ask his grandmother.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the middle and let it evolve naturally. Don't put so much pressure on yourself and just allow the tears to flow for what once was but is no longer. Maybe you will get lucky with a surprisingly good outcome in the future.

You sound like a great daughter but one who might be taking on too much.

Good luck!

Dr. Barge
** Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Dr. Barge discusses how to combat the monday blues

Dear New Shrink,

I have been wondering why it is that I hate Mondays so much. I have been asking around and a lot of my friends have similar feelings. It is not unanimous but pretty close. What causes this and what can we do about it?

Signed,
Monday Blues

Dear Monday Blues,

You ask an interesting question but it is difficult to come up with just one answer. Maybe we should start by pointing out that it's the opposite of TGIF?

On a serious note, I really think that each situation is different and I tend to think that it is somewhat age dependent; also gender, marital status and our role in life factor in.

If you are younger, it may be that you are somewhat lost, not sure yet of your direction in life. If you are a recent college grad but can't find a job, this is not exactly uplifting. Looking for employment these days is anxiety producing as well.

Or perhaps your love life, dates, personal relations were not what you had hoped for over the weekend. Any of this can cause the Monday Blues.

And for the very young kids, some have trouble separating from family and friends after a weekend. Monday can be a big day of adjustment for them.

Along similar lines, many moms are homemakers and they experience a kind of empty nest on a Monday. They have been with family and friends all weekend and then everyone is gone come Monday. Sundays tend to be thought of as family day, so following the closeness of it can make the next day seem all the more empty.

It's good to have a game plan for Monday morning; gym, a class, or volunteer work. Having something to get up and go to puts the week off to a better start.

It is also no secret these days that we have a high number of unemployed men. This can be very hard on the self-esteem as well as the pocketbook. If you are the primary income provider, are identified with your work and have a family to support, these are rough times emotionally.

With technology advancing so rapidly and literally replacing people and jobs, some folks have to start over. They often feel insignificant, angry, scared and like a failure to the family.

For the employed, ambitious types, there can be performance anxiety or worry about losing business, jobs or clients. On the other hand, maybe you are employed and hate Mondays simply because you just do not like your job or the people you work with.

Or maybe you are like the young man who recently wrote in about being tired and hung over on Mondays. He clearly needs to cut back on the Sunday drinking. If he can't or finds excuses not to, he may have what we call the Monday morning "alcoholism" flu.

Having said all of this, there are some folks who love Mondays. For some, it is almost like a defense, it gets them away from their weekend blues.

Lastly, there is the retired. This is an important group to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or those career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.

No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. When we are younger, we hopefully have our entire lives ahead of us and much to look forward to. Even if we are not clear in our identity, figuring it out can become the purpose and establishing it, even more so. But if we are beyond this and suddenly lose our jobs, especially if it's a job that is being totally eliminated and won't be coming back, we can become very threatened and the blues may go way beyond Mondays.

The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes and unexpected events much better.

Think about your reasons for the Monday Blues. There is a good chance it falls into one of the categories above or something quite close to it. Once you figure it out, do your best to do something about it.

If not, write back. We are here to help you with your life matters.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Preparing for retirement can be a whole lot more than we bargained for

Brentwood Psychologist Dr Joanne Barge gives insight to the hidden dangers of retirement.

Dear New Shrink,

In your article on the Monday morning blues, you mentioned that retirement can be dangerous, even deadly, if one is not prepared for it. My husband and I are about to retire and while I am excited, I am worried about him. His life has always been about his work and us, his family. Can you elaborate more on what makes for a pleasant retirement verses a dreary one?

Thanks,
Scared to retire


Dear Scared,

I am glad you picked up on the dangers of retiring and I am also happy to expand on it.

No matter what the circumstances of retirement, it is important for us to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.

Some people are forced into retirement and they may need to get over the hurt or resentment that they feel about losing their right to choose. Processing their feelings by talking it out with someone is a good idea. But then, move on to making the best of it.

Maybe you were not forced to retire, it was just time but you are not quite ready. You are that guy or gal who always worked and never had time for anything more. You need to start thinking about what you would like to do, new things to try, hobbies, travel, sports? It is always a good idea to find things that first and foremost you will enjoy but second, bring you into contact with others and keep you active.

No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. Some people work so hard in their careers that they truly don't take the time to develop avocations or hobbies. Their work is their life. Suddenly retired, they can wake up and wonder who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? It is easy to feel as if life is over because their work was their purpose and meaning.

Mondays can be dreadful for these folks and yet, for many others, the beauty of retirement is that time sort of melts together so that there is no more Monday vs. Tuesday or Friday. All of this time is yours to do with as you please, assuming your health permits.

Start thinking about all the things you have wanted to do but never had time for. Make a list and start with the easiest things to do first. Maybe you love to read, well then go to the Library and consider joining a book club. It's important to keep your mind active and the social support is essential to your well being.

If you feel a need to be needed or want to help others, volunteer at a hospital or library, museum or music society, actually anything that suits you. There are countless opportunities for helping others by being a volunteer.

Maybe you start yourself a garden and learn to grow your own vegetables and fruits.

Or just the flowers can be wonderful to grace your own home with or share with a friend.

If you love sports, try one if you can. Being active is healthy and can be social. There are hiking clubs, walking groups, tennis groups, even bicycles on the beach.

If you always wanted to travel, now is a good time to get going. Being part of a tour group might be best because of the social networking, medical attention if needed and guides to help along the way. Traveling does not need to be expensive. There are a number of ways to do it. You can rent an RV and drive across country, go camping or take cruises that are discounted when you sign up in advance. Many have found lifelong friends that they made on their travel tours.

If traveling is your thing, go over your budget and find ways to be creative about it.

And when not traveling, consider taking classes, getting active with others, learning a new skill. Maybe take up dancing, weaving, knitting, sewing, swimming, boating, hiking, chess or poker.

The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes. We also need to feel that we matter, are making a contribution, that our lives are meaningful and have a purpose. We also deserve to play at this point. Find the things that bring you joy and start doing them. It is never too late.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood Psychologist gives advice on how to react when a friend cuts you off

Dear New Shrink,

I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.

I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

Signed,
Sad and disappointed


Dear Sad and disappointed,

There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.

There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.

If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.

If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?

You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.

You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.

Good luck.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood Therapist Dr Barge gives advice on dating IQ

Do you know someone who is highly intelligent that falls hopelessly in the dating arena?  Listen in.

Dear New Shrink,

Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.

For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.

She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!

While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.

I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.

Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?

 
Dear Maybe,

First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.

However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?

Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.

This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.

About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.

If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.

As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.

Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Im so Lonely I could die: 90049 Therapist Dr Barge reacts to these common

Have you been feeling lonely but don't know what to do about it?  Dr Barge reacts on this uncomfortable feeling.  

Dear New Shrink,

I have been feeling terrible. I think I might be depressed but my doctor doesn't think so and when I read up on depression, I don't have the symptoms. I just feel sad and often hopeless and I have been feeling this way since I lost my husband. He was my best friend and I just can't seem to replace him. I try to get out to social events, call my friends, but I even feel lonely when I am with them.

I am thinking of getting a pet, but otherwise I don't know what to do about this pain or even why I have it.

Signed,
Lonely

 
Dear Lonely,
I hope that what I write here can help you some. You are right in describing the horrible pain of loneliness. It is very painful and there can even be a feeling of heartache that goes with it. Do you have that?

Loneliness comes from not being able to fully connect with others. If you can be lonely in a room full of friends, this may be a big part of it for you. You didn't have it with your husband because he was, as you put it, your best friend. This to me means that you trusted him and really connected with him.

You probably don't want to replace him and you don't have to. But you might need to mourn your loss and move on. I would imagine he would want you to be happy, and clearly you are not.

A bereavement group might be a good place to start.

I say this because a group might help you to start connecting with others again while at the same time, also begin the process of getting over your loss.

The key to eliminating loneliness is to look at what is holding you back from getting closer to or connecting with others. Do you have trouble trusting people? Are you afraid of rejection? Or are you the type that believes you don't need anyone; you are better off taking care of things on your own? This might make you a tad standoffish.

Start by answering these questions and then take baby steps to go directly up against your fears and negative beliefs. Among your social acquaintances, pick the one or two that you think you have the most in common with and who you feel you can trust the most. Then slowly begin to befriend them. Invite them over or out to lunch. Try sharing some personal things about yourself, to whatever degree you are comfortable and then be sure to ask about them. Let the trust and comfort grow slowly but surely. Stay with it. Odds are that over time you will begin to feel connected and the loneliness will begin to subside.

If you are going to get a pet, maybe pick one that is similar to what other people around you have because sharing pet walks and talks about your pets can be a great icebreaker.

Now I just said, "go against your fears or negative beliefs." I really mean this because if you have had trouble connecting, then you have trust issues of some kind and to protect yourself you may find yourself subconsciously looking for what is wrong with others instead of what is right. You must challenge your own fears and negativity, which is almost always a defense.

Look for the good in people. Give them a chance, a fair chance. Notice when you are being negative or judgmental and stop yourself. No one is perfect and if you want to rid yourself from the heartache of loneliness, you are going to have to give others a chance.

You should also know that loneliness is not just emotionally painful; it is actually a high risk factor in early mortality. This is because with chronic loneliness, it elevates your systolic blood pressure and that in turn can lead to premature death. This has been demonstrated in a number of research studies that controlled for other related variables as well.

Catch your loneliness early. Don't let it become chronic. Not only is it harder to change the longer it goes on, but also your health risks go way up.

Having said that, it is never, or at least rarely ever, too late to change.

Start your change now so that you can feel better and live longer. And if you are successful, pass it on. Share the positive change with others.

Good luck!

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press  SMDP Dr Barge

Brentwood therapist gives advice for all you lonely hearts

Do you ever feel like the only single person around?  Dr Barge gives advice to shed off those lonely feelings.

Dear New Shrink,

I read your article on loneliness and got discouraged because I am lonely. I do have friends and I think that I do connect with them, but I do not have a love relationship. It seems like most of my friends do and actually, many of them are getting married soon or are already married.

Is something wrong with me? Can you tell me how to get into a relationship and keep it going?

Signed,
Lonely Single

Dear Single,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged. From your comments, I assume that you are a young person. Not everyone finds love at the same time or pace. Please don't think that something is wrong just because you are not on some kind of schedule. And definitely do not try to force yourself into a relationship before the actual Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. Unless you have some serious attachment issues, calm down, your time will come.

There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First off, there is what I refer to as the three C's: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. It is also highly recommended that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal and something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political; it might be saving the environment, or fighting for the right to bare arms. Having that one thing that you both share and are impassioned about can see you through rough times and actually, being involved with it now is a great way of meeting someone you will click with.

Next, selecting someone with a character you like, admire and respect is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along. So in choosing, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he or she treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?

Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't rely on changing it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, be empathic and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about, not scream, but talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need.

A basic rules is "relationships require room for two" and this means allowing for each other's needs and tolerating differences. If I can take care of me, my partner and the relationship, all at the same time, we are in good shape or at least I am. This is one indication of good mental health and it certainly is an aspect to keeping a relationship alive and well.

Don't get me wrong, this is a hard thing to do but it should be your goal and if you work at it, you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and storms.

Money is the most frequent cause of conflict in marriages, so try to be clear and straightforward about this before you start a serious relationship.

And once you are in a serious relationship, count on conflict. It's normal and natural if you find yourself fighting once a week or more. Take it as a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble and get help.

Our divorce rate is high but many good relationships could be saved if they got help early enough. Too many couples wait until it is too late. Many had something special and good but let it go until it was too late. Never let pride keep you from getting the help you need. Losing that someone you love is not worth it. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press

How to enjoy the holiday spirit at a work function without making regrets

Dear New Shrink,

With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.

Thanks for your help,
Party Goer

Dear Party Goer,

I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.

First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.

While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.

As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.

OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.

The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.

The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!

Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Handling rejection a tough task: Dr Joanne Barge speaks out

Have you ever experienced a rejection that eats away at you?  Dr Barge sheds insight on how to handle difficult feelings of rejection. 

Dear New Shrink,

I am wondering if you can give me advise about handling rejection. I have started to feel really bad because I lost my job and cannot seem to find another one; several times I have gone on job interviews, and not even had a call back. But what is really troubling me is dating. I have no trouble getting dates but here too, often there is no second date. I did date someone I met online for about two months but it ended out of the blue. I just don't understand any of this and I am starting to feel like one big reject.

Signed,
Rejected


Dear Rejected,

Unfortunately, this seems to be a sign of the times. I think you are far from being alone on this one. Searching for a job or a partner, looking for work or dating, they are both two of the most difficult things to do right now.

I am not certain how much of it applies mostly here in California because we are certainly in financial trouble as a state and when it comes to dating, I am constantly being told how difficult it is to meet someone here.

Most people seem to be using online dating services and while they may be great for finding people and some have found their life partners on them, there is also a lot of inherent rejection as well. There are actually studies and psychological literature that talk about what has been referred to as the "flawometer." It seems that we tend to look for what we don't like or what seems wrong with someone rather then giving them a chance, when we are viewing them from an online web site. Part of the problem is that the questions tend to categorize people in a somewhat simplistic way; all of us have a lot more to us than can be expressed by checking off a box. This is simply the nature of the beast; there really is no other way to do it online.

When you first meet, it is somewhat contrived and most likely both parties are a bit nervous. If you use these online sites, it's best that you get to know each other through e-mail and phone conversations before actually meeting.

But more importantly, regarding the issue of rejection, it is a bit similar in looking for a job these days. Many positions get hundreds of applications. The employer looks through them very quickly and if your letter of intent and resume are not ideal, just like that "flawometer" in online dating, you won't even get the first meeting. If you do get the interview but are not the one chosen, you just have to realize that it was not a dislike or rejection of you but that they chose someone better suited for the position; someone they just "clicked" with or had the best chemistry with.

The same goes for dating, if there isn't chemistry or an attraction, most people keep moving, looking for someone that they have this with. Attraction can and often does grow with time but few of us are willing to wait. In this age of technology, most people want quick results and actually may be passing up some real opportunities without knowing it.

I honestly feel that we can't or shouldn't take this all so personally. It is impossible to make yourself attracted to someone; you either feel it or you don't. Chemistry is a complicated thing; it pulls in the physical, the emotional and sometimes subconscious, and definitely the psychological draw or match. This may or may not be healthy, ideal or even the best choice.

But as much as we would like to think we have control over this, we don't have as much as we might want to believe.

So what is rejection really? I think of it as a very active and often aggressive act. If we cannot control our attractions, cannot make ourselves be attracted to or have chemistry with someone, then are we rejecting them?

Maybe we need to rethink rejection. In a job interview, there are several excellent candidates but we can only pick one and the one we decide on seems the best fit out of the three. Are we really rejecting the other two?

Or is it simply that we go with what feels the best, then and there. Who knows? It could be a mistake but I really question if we should call it rejection.

Of course there are times that we all "feel" rejected, or are concerned about making someone else feel rejected and I do not mean to minimize these feelings. But feelings are not facts and I think we just might want to start rethinking what rejection really means.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press 

Brentwood Therapist Dr. Barge give advice on: Trying to strengthen family ties

Have you ever felt feelings of abandonment by your family?  Dr Barge speaks on how to deal with family conflict that may be getting in the way of healthy family relationships.  

Dear New Shrink,

I am in so much pain; I don't know what to do. I feel completely abandoned by my family. Years ago my parents divorced. My father was abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. When I moved out we were barely speaking. I told my mom she needed to get sober. I sent for the Al-Anon literature, but when I gave it to her she quit speaking to me for five months! Luckily, I found my husband and we now have a lovely son, just over a year old. I considered not inviting my mother to the wedding but decided to invite her on the condition that she would not drink at my wedding. My father was not invited at all. His behavior was absolutely intolerable to me. My Mother came to the wedding but did not keep her promise to stay sober. She was as drunk as ever and actually fell on the dance floor. We have not spoken since. She tried to visit me at the hospital when my son was born but I turned her away because I will not expose my son to her bad behavior. Now that he is a year old and I am such a proud mother, I really am feeling abandoned. My own mother has never seen my son, my father has only seen him once and the rest of the extended family, well you could count on one hand the times they have seen my son. No one seems to come around and I honestly fear that they have all taken my mother's side. I am a mature woman with a master's degree, am an excellent school teacher and a good mother. Thank God for my husband's family, they are helpful and loving to me. But I cannot shake off my hurt feelings of abandonment?

Signed,
Distraught

 
Dear Distraught,

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about, and feel, your pain. I can tell that you are, emotionally speaking, bleeding inside.
It sounds like you want to be close with your family of origin, or at least your mother and some of the extended family you have on her side. However, given your description, it's complicated. You want to be close but you don't want her around? Sounds like the only way you would consider being close is if she adheres to your rules. I don't know her or your family but in all relationships there really does need to be room for two. That is to say, room for negotiation.

More importantly, there seems to be an issue with alcoholism and while you probably do not want to hear this, you may be a little off base. Alcoholism is not bad behavior; it is a disease, and illness. Many people do not want to believe this but the science is there to prove it. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and then the drink takes the man."

This is an old Japanese proverb that explains the process, and progression very well. When the drunk starts taking the drink, it is no longer about choice and the behavior is a function of that brain chemistry. Blackouts and bad behavior come out of alcoholism but are not separate from it. Your mother doesn't get drunk at you nor does she mean to ruin your wedding, she is sick and she needs help. If she stopped talking to you when you gave her Al-Anon literature that was clearly defensive and it was her sickness talking.

It makes sense that you have misgivings about exposing your child to your mother's problem. This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. But you need to understand that your son is already genetically predisposed and at risk, and given your feelings of abandonment and resentment, you are the one that needs to learn more about alcoholism and you are the one who would benefit from Al-Anon. I know that it is not fair; and your feeling abandoned is totally understandable. All children of alcoholics feel this way. However, your resentment is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else.

My guess is that your extended family is probably trying to avoid the conflict, staying under the radar so to speak. If you want a relationship with them, reach out to them and see what happens. Alcoholism is a family disease and no one really knows what to do. Step up for yourself and take care of yourself by ridding yourself of resentment, learning about alcoholism and getting some counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for the sake of yourself and your son. Start to get healthy yourself, then reach out to your family. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

How can a 'nice guy" end up on such a horrible path?

Dear New Shrink,

I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?

Signed,
Married and Worried


Dear Married and Worried,

Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."

Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.

Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.

But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.

He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.

What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?

Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?

He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.

The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.

I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.

Thank you for your question.

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press 

Brentwood Psychologist Dr Barge give insight into: Deciding when to hold on and when to let go

Is your marriage falling apart and you are worried about the impact it will have on your family?  Dr Barge helps muddle through the wreckage to decide whats the best course of action for a family.

Dear New Shrink,

I am on the verge of ending a 20-plus year marriage, which also means the end of a family, as we have known it. Our children, three of them, are very upset, but generally speaking, doing well. One is ending high school and the other two are away at college, doing well.

As a couple, we are not happy, haven't been for years. Our sex life dwindled long ago, but even though our relationship seems empty now, and we are mostly fighting, I find myself feeling really sad about letting it go. He acts as if he is fine with moving on but I know that he is sad to. What should we be doing? Are we doing the right thing? How does one know?

Thanks for your input.

Signed,
Indecisive


Dear Indecisive,

There are so many things to consider here.

It's unfortunate but the divorce rate here in the US, is 49 percent. Many of us are too quick to jump ship and don't do the things, I believe, we should do or try before ending a relationship, especially one with a commitment of marriage.

Having said that, there is clearly a difference between attachment and relationship. If the relationship is bad and cannot be "fixed" so to speak, then it is probably time to call it a day. No point in being miserable and trust me, it's not a favor to the kids to continue in misery.

The question is, where did you go wrong? Do both of you have the courage to look at the relationship realistically before you end it? Or maybe you have done this? It is not uncommon to see marriages end when the kids are grown up and leaving home. In this case it is because somewhere along the way you became parents only, no longer lovers and you forgot to take care of your marriage. Now you are like strangers.

Also, unfortunately, the birth of the first child is often the beginning of the end. This is because you move from your romantic dyad to a triangle. With triangles, someone has to be negotiated but it is not going to be the infant. The one left out, usually dads, will get hurt and jealous. That is where all the (bad) fun begins, if a couple is not educated and prepared for it.

No one likes to see a family end so it really is worth the effort to try some marriage or family counseling. It is especially hard at holidays when the grown kids come back but no longer really have a home to come home to. It's very sad for everyone.

I have seen all kinds of bad marriages/separations turn around, so there is always hope, but it is not easy if you wait too long.

If you do separate, end your "attachment," you can count on sadness. There is always grief and mourning when there is a loss of attachment. It comes with the territory. Expect sadness and a grief process when you end a significant or long-term attachment.

But an attachment, which we all need and is a basic instinct that causes us to form them, is very different from a relationship. After 20 years and three kids, you definitely have an attachment even if you no longer have a relationship. The attachment is that deep bond you feel, because you have it and have had it for awhile. The relationship is all about how you get along, how you "relate to each other." If the relationship sours and cannot be rekindled, then you let go. With that letting go, most people also lose their attachments. Loss of attachment always means sadness and a grieving process. It is simply part of our make up and to deny it or suppress it will only make you sick in some way. Let yourself grieve, it's natural and normal.

Just don't get confused thinking that your sadness over a loss of attachment means that the relationship was good or meant to be.

Attachment and relationship are connected but yet two separate things. You can't avoid the attachment sadness if the relationship goes but you can work on the relationship to see if maybe there isn't something left to work with.

I have seen so many couples turn it around. You fell in love when you married, that love might still be there.

Give yourself, your family, the "relationship" a chance. Seek counseling. If the relationship is truly over, then expect the natural grief and sadness that comes with the loss of any attachment.

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press  SMDP Dr Barge