Our daughter is gay, what do we do?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press September 20, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
Our daughter just came to us and told us that she is a lesbian. Then she brought a girl by with piercings and pink streaks in her hair.
Needless to say, we are horrified. She was always a lovely girl that dated boys and the boys liked her, back when she was in high school. But since going off to college she has decided that she wants to go gay.
We are hoping that it is just a phase, but my husband and I are actually more worried that something really sexually traumatic may have happened to her that we never knew about.
My husband is her stepfather, for a long time now, and a very good father figure that she adores. Her biological father is a sex addict and I divorced him years ago when I caught him cheating, over and over again.
I am worried that she may have seen inappropriate things or maybe that he even did something to her that has made her gay. She says it is nothing like that and that she is happy. We don’t really believe her and we are definitely not happy with her decision at all. We wanted grandchildren and to see her happily married. I have even imagined the big beautiful wedding we would have given her one day.
What do you recommend we do? How can we help her?
Signed,
Distraught

Dear Distraught,
I am sorry that you are feeling so worried and “horrified.” I can imagine that it is difficult for you, especially because you have held such an image and what now looks like a fantasy for your daughter.
I understand that she is your little girl and you are worried that something may have gone wrong. It is not unreasonable to think these things and your questions about your prior spouse are not out of line. No one knows for sure what causes homosexuality. Many feel that they were born this way. Yet there are traumatic histories with many gay people. Having said that, there are also many heterosexual people with trauma histories.
Women do seem to be more bi-sexual than men, so it may be temporary, but I would not refer to it as a phase.
I don’t believe we can make ourselves attracted to anyone whether we are heterosexual or homosexual. It just seems to happen or it doesn’t! We can’t make ourselves fall in love with someone and sometimes we meet the most attractive people, but don’t feel chemistry with them at all. If we are honest, our real feelings and attractions just cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn’t and often defies reason.
Research and anecdotal data are convincing that people do not choose a sexual preference. We cannot decide to be gay; it won’t work out if we are not really feeling it. And we cannot decide to not be gay either. Those who have tried this have suffered for years and often have caused great pain for others that they were involved with in their own self-deception.
The best thing that you can do for yourselves and for your daughter is to learn more about homosexuality. There are many self-help groups and you can find information online. You might also want to seek counseling to help you process your feelings and come to terms with whoever and whatever your daughter may be.
I doubt that she wants to hurt you. She just is what she is. It is not a choice.
If you care about her as much as you seem to do, love her for who she is. Trying to change her, telling her something is wrong with her or rejecting her would be the worst thing you can do.
If you don’t know by now, many young people who have come out to their parents and then are rejected have been so devastated that they committed suicide.
I am sorry that you most likely have to give up your dreams as you have known them. But remember that they may not be her dreams and what will follow will be happier for everyone.
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we do not know what is best for someone else, especially a child, but in this case, it is better to accept what is than to fight it. Go with the flow. We are usually happier when we do this.

Should I Stay with the Chaos & Drama or Let It Go?

Dear New Shrink,
I feel desperate for some help. My relationship is in constant chaos. I find myself coming into it and then wanting to back off or simply quit it. My partner is a very moody person and it feels like I am constantly being tested. I love her and when things are good, I feel very close to her, but she always seems to want to pick fights with me. I don’t think she is very happy, but she doesn’t think she needs help and if I suggest that perhaps she would benefit from counseling or medication, she becomes enraged.
I do think that she is depressed because she is very negative, frequently cries for no apparent reason and she suffers from insomnia. I am just not sure what to do about it. Unfortunately, I am close to ending the relationship. We have been together for several years, but the past few months I feel on the verge of walking away more often than not.
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that things are so bad for you and it sounds like for her too. Clearly there are feelings of helplessness and none of us like feeling this way.
Depression is a serious problem and if it’s significant enough causes very real suffering for the afflicted person and for those that are close to them. The symptoms you describe are some of the symptoms of depression. Problem falling asleep, lack of appetite and sex drive, low energy levels, moody and negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide are the indicators for serious depression. Some depressed people become slow and lethargic, while others can become quite agitated and irritable. I obviously cannot diagnose your girlfriend, but if she is depressed she may be pulling you down with her and if she won’t get help then you are not only feeling helpless, you are helpless.
Sometimes the best first step is to accept our helplessness and, in doing so, begin looking for better ways to take care of ourselves. This may seem like giving up, but actually if we are truly powerless over a situation such as this, it is actually an act of courage and strength. It means that you are facing reality and from doing this you become more responsible to yourself and actually get some of your strength back. You will become much more objective in terms of what to do and, more importantly, you will not be pulled down with her.
If you want to still think of her, and not feel as if you are being selfish, then seriously consider what good you will be not only to yourself, but also to her and your relationship if you go down with her. I will tell you if you don’t already know, you will be useless to her and the relationship and obviously no good to yourself if you do not do this.
Accepting your powerlessness, in situations where you are truly helpless and cannot fix the problem by yourself, is not only a big step, it is the best first step you can take. From doing this, you will begin to get your strength and objectivity back, as I already mentioned. I realize that this seems ironic, but it really does put you in a far better place for knowing what to do.
It seems strange that doing what feels so selfish or like giving up is really taking on responsibility for the situation the way it really is. I can promise you that albeit hard to do, this letting go will lead you to your answer.
Also, there is no telling what you may have been doing to perpetuate the problem. Often referred to as co-dependency, when we cooperate with another in unhealthy ways in order to preserve or maintain the relationship, it is actually the worst thing for it and for us.
Backing off allows her to begin to see what is going on with her and what she may need to do. If you are trying to reason with her or if you end up fighting with her, there is no chance of either one of you seeing things clearly because you are really just distracting yourselves. And it is a distraction that keeps you in the chaos and drama of your unhealthy relationship. It is no good for either of you.
Simple, but not easy, work at letting go of this drama and start focusing on taking care of yourself. Step back and the answers will come to you. Do yourself and her the favor of allowing some space, quiet and light to come into your otherwise chaotic relationship.