Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on Feb. 21, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I have never felt my parents cared about me or loved me. They
divorced when I was 4 years old. I’m an only child and I think I was a
burden to them.
I got into a lot of trouble at school, which now I realize, thanks to
seeing therapists, was acting out. But that did not make them love me.
They just got mad at me.
I’m desperate to have them love me. I am so lonely. I can’t seem to
make a relationship work and I blame them. I have been to countless
therapists who all say the same thing, but none could fix my problem. I
doubt that you can, but I wanted to know what you might say.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unloved and lonely! This truly is a horrible way to live.
I see also that you are angry, not just at your parents but at
therapists as well. I think the best place to start is with your notion
that your problem can be “fixed.” I don’t think you want to hear what I
am going to say, but it honestly would be in your best interest to be
open minded and consider what I am about to tell you.
Parents are people first and parents second! We hate to think this
because we want to believe that as soon as one becomes a parent it’s all
that matters to them and the actual person (of the parent) takes a back
seat! Not so! Sure there are definitely maternal and paternal
instincts, but they do not necessarily prevail.
There are people who become parents but do not know how to show love
or affection. They never received it so perhaps they think as long as
they put a roof over your head, feed you and make sure you are
relatively safe, they are doing their “jobs.” No fun feeling like a job.
Love is a noun and a verb. Some people have it in the noun form, but cannot make it happen as a verb.
I have had patients whose parents loved them in their minds and
hearts, but were never able to express it. They never said “I love you,”
never hugged their kids; they just did not understand that love is a
verb too! I know this because of family sessions where this became quite
clear. They did feel love, but could never truly show it, realizing
this was a relief and help to the patient, but at the same time somewhat
baffling.
Then there is the woman I am seeing now whose mother was a heroin
addict and ultimately was murdered over a quarrel with her addict
boyfriend. This patient rarely saw her mother. She lived with her on and
off but was mostly left to live with her grandparents and/or an aunt
and uncle.
Fortunately for her she had siblings and they cared about and protected each other to the extent that they could.
But did she feel loved? Absolutely not. She was a motherless child
with a father unknown to this day. Did her mother love her? Who is to
say? But clearly her personal interests and drug addiction made her put
her children way in the back seat.
Then there are single mothers who have to work and care for their
children on very little money and they are usually tired and
overwhelmed. Unless they have extended family to help, their children
probably don’t feel loved either. These are just a few of many
circumstances that can steal the love that a child needs or is looking
for.
And yes, unfortunately there are parents who shouldn’t have had
children because they really never wanted to be bothered or simply could
not love them. Sad but true!
Your parents may not have loved you. Perhaps they were wrapped up in
their own pain and drama of their divorce, and you may have felt like a
burden to them. Hard to hear but sometimes true.
Parents are people too, and they really are people first. Some of us
are luckier than others when it comes to a parent’s love, availability,
attention and true caring. But the big question is what do you do if you
are one of the unlucky ones as you say you are?
No therapist in the world can change or fix this. But a therapist can
help you face the truth, mourn your loss and then claim your own life.
Claim it and start living it and give up the horrible dark hope that one
day you will find a way to change them. This notion can truly ruin your
life.
Sometimes it is best to give up the hope! Kill it off and move on with your own life, without hanging on to hopes of the past.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sister always knows best
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 21st, 2013.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My sister and I grew up very close, being only a year apart in age and having a mother who died young. We never knew our dad and were raised by grandparents and an uncle. We shared so much and were and still are close, but somehow we have turned out so different. I married and had three children. I went to college and I own my home. My sister has children but never married, they have different fathers and she moves constantly. I am even unsure how she supports herself.
First of all, I cannot believe how different we turned out since we came from the same family circumstances and were so close and in agreement growing up. But my real problem is my nieces and nephew. My sister is not a very good mother, in my opinion. I love and worry about her children. I often find myself intervening on their behalf.
I have tried over and over again to show my sister a better way of doing things, and instead of being grateful, she seems annoyed and gets angry with me. I am only trying to help, to show her the best way for herself and her children. Perhaps I am not approaching it right. Can you help me find a way to get through to her?
Thanks,
Worried Sister
Dear Worried,
It is indeed very interesting how different we can be from our siblings.
We immediately think, just as you said, that we had the same experience, and same family, but actually this is not completely correct.
While it may be the same family, not everyone has the same experience within a family system. There can be subtle and not so subtle differences in the relationships within a family.
Having said that, even if it seems identical, we all experience things differently. While we humans have much in common, we are each unique in terms of feelings, physiological profiles and various states of mind and how we perceive things. I often hear this same comment or question, how could we be so different when we grew up in the same family?
So while you shared a lot with your sister growing up, and even seemed to agree, I assume, on how things were experienced or perhaps your opinions on what was going on, you should realize that under stressful experiences people can tend to agree even if they don’t (perhaps haven’t even had a chance to think it through) in service of being together and feeling the protection of togetherness.
You and your sister clearly took in your same or similar experiences in very different ways. You reacted completely differently. I cannot say why, only you and she might know.
But your bigger question has to do with why she doesn’t do things your way, clearly the best way, and why won’t she listen to your helpful advise?
Wow! I must ask you why you are so certain that your way is the way? I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever heard of “different strokes for different folks?” Her way just may not be your way, end of story! It seems it would be better for you to put your energy into accepting this.
You will not be able to change her unless she asks you for help and truly wants it. And even then, you won’t change her; you might help her change herself. It is best to not interfere, especially with someone else’s children, unless they ask you for help.
I started some time ago to avoid giving advice or even my opinion, unless I was asked. Telling people what they should do, how they should be is not only asking for trouble, it is a tad arrogant. And be careful because some people will go on and on about their troubles and it really may sound like they want your help but I think it is best to ask first, “would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” They may say yes because they feel they should after going on and on, so ask again, “are you sure?”
Often people just want us to listen. We may want to help and think that we can, but be sure the help is wanted or you will end up with some bad feelings between you.
I think the best way to help your sister is by example, never by preaching or scolding or pointing out the ills of her way. Be available to your nieces and nephews and let them know you care about them so that they know that they can turn to you, but do it without saying anything about their mother.
Good luck!
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My sister and I grew up very close, being only a year apart in age and having a mother who died young. We never knew our dad and were raised by grandparents and an uncle. We shared so much and were and still are close, but somehow we have turned out so different. I married and had three children. I went to college and I own my home. My sister has children but never married, they have different fathers and she moves constantly. I am even unsure how she supports herself.
First of all, I cannot believe how different we turned out since we came from the same family circumstances and were so close and in agreement growing up. But my real problem is my nieces and nephew. My sister is not a very good mother, in my opinion. I love and worry about her children. I often find myself intervening on their behalf.
I have tried over and over again to show my sister a better way of doing things, and instead of being grateful, she seems annoyed and gets angry with me. I am only trying to help, to show her the best way for herself and her children. Perhaps I am not approaching it right. Can you help me find a way to get through to her?
Thanks,
Worried Sister
Dear Worried,
It is indeed very interesting how different we can be from our siblings.
We immediately think, just as you said, that we had the same experience, and same family, but actually this is not completely correct.
While it may be the same family, not everyone has the same experience within a family system. There can be subtle and not so subtle differences in the relationships within a family.
Having said that, even if it seems identical, we all experience things differently. While we humans have much in common, we are each unique in terms of feelings, physiological profiles and various states of mind and how we perceive things. I often hear this same comment or question, how could we be so different when we grew up in the same family?
So while you shared a lot with your sister growing up, and even seemed to agree, I assume, on how things were experienced or perhaps your opinions on what was going on, you should realize that under stressful experiences people can tend to agree even if they don’t (perhaps haven’t even had a chance to think it through) in service of being together and feeling the protection of togetherness.
You and your sister clearly took in your same or similar experiences in very different ways. You reacted completely differently. I cannot say why, only you and she might know.
But your bigger question has to do with why she doesn’t do things your way, clearly the best way, and why won’t she listen to your helpful advise?
Wow! I must ask you why you are so certain that your way is the way? I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever heard of “different strokes for different folks?” Her way just may not be your way, end of story! It seems it would be better for you to put your energy into accepting this.
You will not be able to change her unless she asks you for help and truly wants it. And even then, you won’t change her; you might help her change herself. It is best to not interfere, especially with someone else’s children, unless they ask you for help.
I started some time ago to avoid giving advice or even my opinion, unless I was asked. Telling people what they should do, how they should be is not only asking for trouble, it is a tad arrogant. And be careful because some people will go on and on about their troubles and it really may sound like they want your help but I think it is best to ask first, “would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” They may say yes because they feel they should after going on and on, so ask again, “are you sure?”
Often people just want us to listen. We may want to help and think that we can, but be sure the help is wanted or you will end up with some bad feelings between you.
I think the best way to help your sister is by example, never by preaching or scolding or pointing out the ills of her way. Be available to your nieces and nephews and let them know you care about them so that they know that they can turn to you, but do it without saying anything about their mother.
Good luck!
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