Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on February 7, 2013
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was once a happy family of four, but now I am alone. I had two
sons, now I have only one and he won’t speak to me. We are completely
estranged and I am at a loss as to what I can do.
My youngest son died years ago from a drug overdose. About a year
later my wife, his mother, came down with breast cancer. She never
really recovered from the loss of our son and just did not seem to want
to fight the cancer. There are many breast cancer survivors but she is
not one of them. She lasted about three years before she died.
My oldest son was completely devastated by all of this and has
somehow decided it is my fault and has quit speaking to me. He has not
returned my calls or spoken to me since the funeral two years ago.
I am heartbroken, but he believes I am cold and that I don’t care. He
won’t give me a chance to work it out. He says I was never there for
any of them so why should he be there for me now.
It is true that I worked a lot and still do, but besides liking my
work and being good at it, I always thought I was working hard to make
good money to provide a nice life for my family. I never felt like I was
being selfish. I am at a complete loss.
Signed,
Heart Broken
Dear Heart Broken,
Your story does indeed sound like a sad one, if not tragic. I have
been a therapist for years now and still find it amazing how so much can
happen to one family. It is almost like a snowball effect.
I do want to tell you that you are not alone. There are many
estranged families, many children that do not speak to their parents.
You might find some solace from a web site called http://www.estrangedstories.com.
I don’t really know why your son doesn’t speak to you except to say
that often when there is severe emotional pain people will look for
someone to blame. It feels far easier to be angry than sad. Albeit not
healthy for him, your son may be using anger to hold himself together.
He may feel that if he were to be close to you now that the floodgates
would open and he would be in a puddle of sadness, perhaps forever. This
might all be subconscious with him. Did you ever have time with him
during all the loss to know whether he grieved or not? Was he angry with
you before this all happened? Were you ever truly close?
Sometimes these relationships can be repaired, but it does take the
two of you. You might want to start by reaching out to him in small ways
just to let him know you are thinking about him, care about him and
miss him. Try not to ask for anything in return from him and don’t get
too upset if you don’t get the response you want at first.
We all can get our feelings hurt and all too often we let our egos
get in the way. If you really want to get your son back or start a new
relationship with him you cannot let this happen. You have to be the
bigger one, be strong and come from a truly loving place. If he cares at
all he will feel this and may eventually be willing to see you or speak
with you some.
I certainly would recommend that the two of you get some counseling
together if you can break the ice with him in the way that I have
suggested. If you never had much of a relationship there may be little
to touch inside of him and this may not work. If you were ever close,
appeal to him in a heart-to-heart way, but do it slowly and carefully,
just a step at a time.
In the unfortunate event that you get no response at all, you should
find yourself a support group with others who have similar problems. You
might also want to seek counseling to work out some of your own
feelings and questions. And while this should not be the reason for your
own counseling, if it creates changes in you for the better it might be
what he needs to come back to you.
I wish you all the best. I know that nothing feels worse than the
loss of children and the horrible breakup, destruction of a family like
this.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or send your inquires and replies to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does!
