Pause before you Plunge with those Avoidant Ones

Dear New Shrink,

Several weeks ago you wrote a great article about people who you called “anxiously attached” and tend to be jealous and clingy. You also mentioned an avoidant/detached type, which sounds like it could be my fiancée.

I tend to get anxious around him but never thought of myself as anxiously attached but in this case, I feel like I might become so. Is it possible that relationships create this or at least trigger it in us? Or am I kidding myself? Also, how do I know if l am engaged to an avoidant type of person? From what you wrote, I am wondering if this might be a big mistake, even though I love him.

Thanks so much,

Grateful for your advice

Dear Grateful,

Thank you for your kind words. I truly hope that I am helping someone with my articles; otherwise, I would not write them.

You ask excellent questions and I hope to answer them for you.

As I said in the earlier article, people are either securely attached, anxiously attached or detached and avoidant. This latter group, the detached avoidant is highly self-reliant and they often feel like they don’t need anyone. It is actually the far end of the spectrum in relationship to being securely attached, which is ideal and healthy.

These detached and avoidant folks have been the most disappointed in their attachments and while often lonely underneath their defenses make them feel as if they are in control and comfortable and from an outside perspective, they often look better off than most of us. They are usually high achievers because their intense drive to avoid needing anyone pushes them to work harder and be better than others. It is only after achievement has left them lonely at the top, that they seek help for their loneliness and accompanying depression when it starts to be felt. However, often feeling down and seeking help never happens.

Unless a major depression or severe loneliness brings them into treatment, they usually do not reach out for help.

This is because they have suffered the most injurious of losses and disappointments in their attachments, either early on or along the way. They really do not want to rely on anyone, it is simply too dangerous in their minds, and they do not trust most people, if anyone.

In terms of your question, avoidant/detached types find ways to soothe themselves because they prefer to avoid relying on others.

Because they are often very accomplished due to this drive to not need others, they often have acquired many “things” that they can use to soothe and comfort themselves with.

Honestly, they often prefer being alone and using their things and their fantasies to comfort and simulate themselves. They may have elaborate fantasies about relationships but more often than not, they are just fantasy. They actually prefer being in their own world and often view or experience relationship interactions, as intrusions.

Your question about could your partner be creating this in you is a good one. There is no one hard and fast answer but most experts would agree that if you are truly in love and he is attached but avoidant, then this indeed could be making you feel anxious. Being in a relationship and of course this means forming an attachment, always brings with it some conflict. You may have two very different attachment styles.

But one thing is for sure, to be the same with everyone is to be with no one! Our reactions to others are always somewhat a part of who they are and what they bring to a relationship. How we react and what we do with it comes back to us. It actually can become very circular.

I think the securely attached would give it a try but after a short while, call it a day. They would not tolerate the subtle (or not) rejections.

So, if you are truly hanging in and thinking of marriage yet find yourself feeling anxious and a little helpless with him, then maybe something is being triggered in you, i.e., something in your own history. Ask yourself the question, “is this a familiar feeling?” if it is not, then there is something about him that causes anxiety and a sense of being alone in the relationship.  You would be well advised to get premarital counseling before taking your vows. A life alone, albeit married, is not fun or healthy. As I have said before, there are very good treatments available today, for these types of attachment problems.  

I think you might want to “pause before you plunge.”

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed Psychologist and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Brentwood, Los Angeles. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or please write your anonymous inquires and responses to newshrink@gmail.com

Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your Life Matters.

 Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 11, 2011

Insecurity or Attachment Anxiety

              Is it Insecurity or Attachment Anxiety?

Dear New Shrink.

I feel uncomfortable around silence.  Not with people I am not close to but mostly with people who I am afraid I can lose.  I also have this issue where I feel like if I do not always have something to talk about, they will think I am boring, and lose interest in me.  I feel a need to entertain people.  For example, in my romantic relationship, I am always trying to talk about interesting things.  I am afraid if I don't have things to say, the excitement of the relationship will die, and it might end.  How do I deal with this, besides just communicating this with people in my life, and experimenting with tolerating the silence? I have tried both, and neither has helped me.

Thanks
Nervous

Dear Nervous,
You are asking the question, how do I deal with this, which feels like you are looking for a quick fix solution. You say you have tried communicating this to the people in your life and that you try to tolerate the silence.  Unfortunately, neither one is a great solution.
First off, I don’t think this is a good thing to be telling others, no matter how close you are. This puts the burden of your problem on them. Just stop and think for a minute about what you would feel like if a good friend said this to you. Even if you are a friend who cares and wants to help, what can you really say or do?
Tolerating the silence while looking within is really what you need to be doing.
You have been very open with yourself here in your question so I am going to take the liberty to be very open in my answer.
This is your problem, no one else’s. It resides inside of you and you are the only one who can change it. It is not exactly an easy thing to change. It takes some real serious work, usually psychotherapy.
In the old days, you would be referred to as neurotic. Today, most experts in the mental health field are well aware of the contributions of attachment theory and would refer to your problem as an “anxious attachment.”
The depth of research and information on attachment theory is beyond the scope of this article but to keep it simple, people are either securely attached, anxiously attached or detached and avoidant. This latter group is highly self-reliant and often feels like they don’t need anyone. It is actually the far end of the spectrum in relationship to being securely attached, which is ideal and healthy. These folks have been the most disappointed and are often lonely underneath it all but their defenses make them feel more comfortable and look better in general. They are often high achievers as the drive to not need anyone propels them. It is only after achievement has left them lonely at the top that they seek help for their loneliness and accompanying depression when it starts to be felt.
The anxiously attached are jealous, clinging and cannot tolerate any signs of possible loss or separation. They are often disliked by others because they are not only grossly misunderstood but their anxiety and accompanying behaviors are simply too uncomfortable to be around. Ironically, the anxiously attached often bring upon them, what they fear the most.
The securely attached are the lucky ones that are comfortable and healthy in their attachments.
What causes this you might ask? Loss and disappointments in our attachment histories cause it. We come to believe that we cannot count on our attachments or that if we get too close we will be disappointed or hurt all over again.
This can and often does start as early as infancy or in very early childhood, when attachment needs, which differ for each of us, are not met and/or are rejected and dismissed. This is not something we are likely to remember consciously. But we may remember it or feel at a visceral level, a kind of bodily memory.
However, unwanted separations and losses during childhood or even later in life can also lead to feeling anxious about attachments or simply giving up on them, i.e., becoming detached and avoidant.
The bottom line is that the grief attached to these losses, losses that occur in many ways from simple but repetitive disappointments in an attachment to an outright loss through death or divorce, have to be found, recognized and processed. A good therapist with this specific type of knowledge and experience can help you. Unless you know what it is and have avoided dealing with it, you will need help. Also, the good news is that these therapists being cognizant of attachment usually form a nice bond with you, which is healing in and of itself.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press, column "Life Matters."