Why won't you open your mouth?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 18, 2013 under the Life Matters column.  

www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

I cannot understand for the life of me, why some people just stop talking to their friends or relatives or disappear from their lives without an explanation.

This had happened to me twice and it has happened to others I know. It is extremely hurtful.

You don’t know what you have done, if anything. You don’t know if it is you or they that has the problem.

Why can’t or don’t some people just talk about things?

I would appreciate any explanations you might offer.

Signed,

Dumbfounded

Dear Dumbfounded,

This is an excellent question however there is not just one simple answer to give you.

There are a myriad of reasons that underlie this behavior.

You are absolutely correct it can be extremely hurtful. Sometimes it can feel like a murder, for lack of a better metaphor.

In some cases, it may be intended to punish and therefore hurt you.  If someone feels like they want to get even with you, this is certainly a very effective way of doing it. It is not only painful but leaves you feeling very helpless and confused. And clearly, it really is not at all fair.

Having said that, not all people who do this intend to do harm. In fact, many may not even realize that you are so hurt. 

There are many people who are afraid of confrontation and simply cannot bring themselves to talk about things that are a potential conflict.

Underneath this there is a fear of what conflict can bring and imagined injuries, emotional or otherwise. There also is often a fear of loss and of course this is ironic because they are creating the thing they fear most.  However, many of these people are very self-centered and do not think things through very well.  They are only thinking about how they feel. And believe it or not, they are often sorry later but then do not know how to turn it around.

There is also the element of false pride in that they cannot bring themselves to admit their own vulnerability, hurt feelings or wrongdoing once they have cut you off.

Some people who disappear on you may be hiding from themselves. What I mean by this is that they are guilty or feel shame about something they have done or are currently doing and cannot bring themselves to be open and honest with you.

Now on the other side of this is always the question of what your part might be.  Are you hurting people without knowing it? Are you someone who has a tendency to make others feel very important to you and while they might be, you cannot possibly fulfill their expectations or be that friend that they imagine you to be?  Or possibly you are not really paying attention to who these friends really are; what are they all about, how are they psychologically organized, what makes them tick.  If you don’t look at the whole picture and just tend to see what you want to see in others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you are a social friendly and popular type of person, you may enjoy the company of many and not realize that you cannot possibly be everyone’s best friend. If you are lucky you may have two or three really close friends, especially if you have a family. This is not to say you cannot have a number of great social friends but that is very different from the best friend category.

So as you might begin to see, there are many possibilities on both sides of the equation, things to take seriously and contemplate.

Generally speaking, communication is critical to relationships. It can be very hard at times but it truly is the secret of staying in love and maintaining really good and close long-term relationships.  If someone hurts your feelings or upsets you in someway, if you care about them and your relationship at all, you owe it to them to tell them.  This is due to the fact that resentment that is not discussed and resolved is the first, if not another, brick in the wall that is being built between you.

Relationships are bumpy at times but the honest ones tend to survive and get stronger if they were meant to be in the first place.

Do yourself a favor going forward and evaluate the communication you are able to have with someone before you get to far along. If it isn’t there, you are guaranteed to have these problems again and again.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage & family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or send your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com

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Criticism that cuts to the core

Originally published under Life Matters in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 4, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My fiancé is everything I would want in a man and most of the time we have a very pleasant relationship and a lot of fun together. I love him deeply most of the time and I think he loves me. He did ask me to marry him.
But I think he has a mean streak. He doesn’t have a temper, he has never been physically abusive with me and I don’t think he ever would be. So it’s nothing like that. But, sometimes he just cuts me to the core with his words. He can be so critical of me and it seems to come out of nowhere and for no good reason.
When he starts this, I do not want to be around him. And later when he wants to make love, I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He acts as if nothing is any different. I would estimate that this happens about 10 to 20 percent of the time.
I really need to understand what I can do and how to deal with this before I move forward with an actual marriage.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I am glad to hear that you enjoy a lot in common, have fun together and, for the most part, have a pleasant relationship. You should definitely capitalize on this.
However, what you write to me indicates that you have three problems, not just one.
First, you say that you think that your fiancé loves you, but it doesn’t sound like you are very certain. You definitely do not want to marry someone who doesn’t really love you. Yes, he asked you to marry him and hopefully you are correct in what it means, but since I don’t know any of the other circumstances, I recommend that you honestly ask yourself if there might be any other reason or motive. I know it is not so romantic but better to know now if there is something a little off then to come up against it down the road when you are already hooked in.
Your second problem is the one that you point to, which is his criticizing of you. What is this about? Really, he cuts to your core, but on the other hand says he loves you and wants to marry you?
There are a number of reasons he might be behaving this way. He may be angry with you about something and unable to express it in any other way. Perhaps he is angry with someone else or another situation and just takes it out on you. It may be that he is very self-critical and it is easier to project it onto you. Maybe he wants you to be different than you really are.
All of this is a problem and it does need to be nipped in the bud! If not, you will be living with it and the growing resentment that you already have, which is your third problem.
Nothing kills a relationship faster and more efficiently than resentment!
If there is anything specific that he tends to criticize you about, pay attention to what it is and what this may mean.
There is a very correct saying that goes “when you point your finger, remember that three are pointing back at you!”
This is to be taken seriously and might help you understand what is going on with him.
As for staying in the relationship or moving forward, you are correct to think twice. If this 20 percent causes you to feel so terrible and to want to remove yourself from him as you describe this is a serious problem that if not addressed will just get worse.
Marriages or serious relationships should be made up of love, respect and mutual admiration and trust. There should be equality and at some level you should be best friends.
I don’t know that there is any room for criticism in a love relationship. It just hurts and causes resentment. Perhaps I am just splitting hairs but they are important ones.
It is fine to tell our partners what we like or don’t like, to share our feelings when we are hurt or bothered by something, but it does not need to be in the form of criticism, i.e., putting the other down, sarcasm that hurts the other. This is not only poor communication but also causes unnecessary pain which breeds resentment that more often than not leads to the end of a relationship.
Lastly, you might want to consider pre-marital counseling. It just might save both of you from a lot of heartache. At the very least start talking to him about this and start soon.