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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
2012: Leave the Baggage Behind
New Year Resolutions?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Are Your New Year Resolutions For Real?
Dear New Shrink,
You won’t believe this but my husband and I actually got into an argument over New Year resolutions. It’s nothing serious, mostly silly but I thought I would ask your opinion on it.
I won’t say whom, but one of us thinks that resolutions are nonsense and the other thinks that they are important. Important to help us set our goals and to try to be disciplined for the year ahead.
What do you think?
Signed
Silly
Dear Silly,
I don’t think that resolutions are silly at all but the truth is that most of us do not keep them. This is primarily because we over shoot the mark. We make BIG promises to ourselves that we are not likely to keep because they are not realistic.
If you are going to make a resolution, you need to consider several things.
1. Is this a realistic goal or a pipe dream?
2. Look over the past year, was there something you know you needed to change or work on but somehow you did not get around to it? If so, maybe that should be a goal for 2011, a resolution, if you are going to keep your promise to yourself this time.
3. Many of our resolutions are unrealistic because they are simply beyond our control; not something we can do on our own without help.
4. If you are talking about stopping some self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugging, overeating, spending, gambling etc., you need to make your resolution be “ I am going to get help with this and try my best to stop it” with the help! Decide what a few help options might be and give yourself until the end of January (no longer) to research them and pick one to get started with immediately.
5. If you have marital conflict or relationship issues, and you had them around this time last year, you need to consider getting the appropriate help and quit wasting time on something so valuable. In order to make your resolution real, have it be that you will call someone for help before the end of January.
6. Lots of people join gyms, spend money on sign-ups for self help things but don’t follow through a month or two later. Don’t waste the money. Think it through and if you decide its right for you, perhaps tell a friend or two about it so that you are more likely to keep your commitment.
7. Don’t make promises to yourself that you can’t keep. Try to be as self-reflective and honest with yourself as you can be and then choose realistic goals. Again, consider telling a friend, or using the buddy system.
8. Keep in mind that we often feel guilty or bad about ourselves if we don’t keep a resolution, so what is the point of making it if we haven’t really thought it through and made sure that it is a good one for us?
9. It is a good idea to use the first of the year to take stock of ourselves and to think about what we need to be doing going forward. Use your time and thoughts wisely rather then making resolutions that are not well thought out or truly important.
10.In thinking about yourself, be introspective; think about what is valuable and meaningful to you. Whatever you decide to do, it should be based on what is truly important to you and NOT on what others may think or what you want to do to impress someone else.
11. Perhaps you want to do something to help others, contribute in someway to your community? Maybe your resolution is not just about doing something for you. Resolutions should not only be realistic, they should be meaningful and something you really can and will do because of their importance and value to you.
12.Finally, a resolution is meant to be about bringing you more joy and happiness in the coming year. So make sure that you make one or more that will bring you true inner joy.
Remember, resolutions mean that we have resolved to do something. This requires serious contemplation and should always be something you are sure you want to do, will get help doing if need be, and something that is meaningful to you and will bring joy to your heart.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The Dread of Loss, Real and Imagined
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Get Tiger Purring
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why Do We Push People Away?
WHY DO WE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY?
Originally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
For years now, I have found myself getting really involved with people, girlfriends and guys alike, and then for little or no reason, pushing them away.
I am really good at it so they get hurt and usually want nothing to do with me after that.
At first, I am relieved but then after that wears off, I find myself missing them and wishing I had never done it. It’s usually too late but I don’t really try and I find myself making a million excuses on why it is for the best.
I think I lie to myself a lot.
Why am I doing this and how can I stop?
Signed,
The Push Away Queen
Dear Push Away Queen,
We all need to be good at something and it sounds like your have perfected this but all kidding aside, this does sound like a serious emotional problem.
Obviously, if you don’t get help with this and it continues, you will find yourself very alone.
The good news is that you recognize it and it seems that you have done so early on. Many people do the same exact thing but they are subtle about it and do not recognize it in themselves.
You may lie to yourself but at least you know that you are doing it. Trust me, lots of people do this very same thing and they lie to themselves but they haven’t a clue.
They ask questions that are more along the lines of “why can’t I find a partner that is good for me, or good enough for me. Or what’s wrong with people in this town, you can’t find anyone that you would really want to date.”
It is likely that these folks may have a social phobia or a great fear of rejection. Some may entertain narcissistic fantasies that only an imagined perfect partner will do; one that makes them feel good, i.e., as in pumping up self-esteem.
Some of these people reject or push away others without ever giving them a chance.
You on the other hand, get very close and involved and then, push people away. It sounds like you have what I refer to as an attachment problem. It sounds like you need to be close but then get very frightened of being rejected, abandoned or pushed away yourself.
We tend to push others away because we have been and fear being pushed away ourselves.
Please think about your history of personal and family relations. Was there a rejection or abandonment that was hurtful to you, probably really hurtful?
If you can identify it, talk to someone about it or write about it, it may go away. However, you may need to consider psychotherapy if this does not resolve it.
There are also numerous other possibilities that generally require a little time with a psychotherapist to get it right and really work it out.
One of these possibilities is feeling like you will become overwhelmed and lose yourself in a close relationship. Another one is a fear of ending up responsible for that person you have become close to.
If you cannot tolerate closeness or separation, the problem may be even more serious, definitely requiring treatment.
Having said that, if you can figure it out with the initial questions that I have posed, you may just need to process some feelings and move on to a healthier and happier behavior.
However, if you are someone who does not want to need anyone or if you find that you can’t do it alone, do yourself a big favor and seek professional help. Just make sure the psychotherapist is skilled in attachment issues and a psychodynamic type of therapy.
Ask a potential therapist questions like what is your degree, are you licensed and how long have your been practicing? What is your orientation with respect to therapy?
You want someone licensed, in practice for a few years or more, and with a psychodynamic orientation. If they not licensed, make sure that they are under the supervision of someone who has all of the above credentials.
Good Luck! This is not something you want to continue and I am glad for you that you wrote in now. I hope you take my advice and please feel free to call me if you have questions.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Alcoholism in My Family
Alcoholism In My Family, Should I Be Concerned?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I grew up in an alcoholic family and for a long time told myself that I would NEVER be like my family. I am not anything like them yet but I now find myself worried that it will all catch up with me. It’s almost like a dark cloud following me. For some reason, I started to worry when my father died from his alcoholism about a year and a half ago. My mother is still alive but she is so bitter and is difficult to be around. My siblings are so different you would not think that we are related.
I am a high achiever and do not drink other than an occasional glass of wine with dinner but I do have a problem trusting relationships. One of my brothers is a drug addict and I have a sister who does not want to be close to any of us. Can you educate me on the basic concerns that I should have or advise me on what I should do or know?
Signed,
Son of alcoholic parents
Dear Son,
This is such an important issue. One out of four families in our country are affected by alcoholism. Moreover, the children of alcoholics have a 4-5 times greater chance of developing alcoholism from a genetic perspective.
Knowing that there is definitely a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, if you are the child of an alcoholic you should learn all that you can and be very careful; children should also be alerted when the appropriate time comes. This is because alcoholism tends to skip generations precisely because of what you said about never wanting to be like your family. If and when you have kids they won’t see and experience the same thing so they won’t be defended against it. But they will have the genetic vulnerability.
Having said that, armed with this knowledge, you are not a shoe in for alcoholism. You can override genetic predispositions by making the correct and healthy behavioral choices. In truth, only one in five children of alcoholics (COA) become alcoholic themselves. I realize that this can be confusing but it has to do with the way a study is done. Among alcoholics, 58% have alcoholism in their families. When studying for life time prevalence, study after study shows a 4-5 times greater probability for developing it among offspring but when just looking at children of alcoholics (COA), only 1 out of 5 become alcoholics themselves.
However, many COA develop emotional or psychological problems from growing up in alcoholic families. It is not uncommon to have relationship problems because you have grown up with them. Alcoholism takes center stage, everyone adjusts to it and around it, tension is high and in many ways childhoods are aborted.
You mentioned your Mother being bitter and you also say you had alcoholic parents. It sounds like she had a problem also but even if she didn’t, it is not unusual for a wife to try to drink with her husband but she usually gives up when she cannot keep up, Her whole world becomes preoccupied with his every move and her lost dreams. If she can’t get him into treatment, she will usually start reorganizing the family to keep him on the outside. Children can get lost in the shuffle.
COA often become overly responsible and they also become caretakers, a natural role for them. Some act out their hurt and rage like your brother has. Most COA do not have the time or safe environment to find out who they really are or what they really want out of life because they are too busy surviving and avoiding the conflict. Many become chameleons as a means of survival. And one of the biggest problems COA have is trusting others. Abandonment and loss of attentive parents, normal childhoods, and predictable secure homes all contribute to this.
If you couldn’t trust your own parents or family at whatever level, it will be difficult to trust others. You probably have come to believe that others will hurt and disappoint you if you let them get close. You may even find that you don’t trust love or marriage because of what you witnessed in your parents. Lastly, most COA continue the same defenses they used in childhood as adults. Out of the situation, these defenses usually do not serve us well. In fact, they often cause us more problems.
Get some help and learn all that you can. Besides psychotherapy, there are 12 step groups and there is a National Association of COA, which you can find on the Internet.
Thanks for writing in. Hope this helps some.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Losing our parents hurts deep inside
NATURAL OR NOT, LOSING OUR PARENTS
HURTS!
Dear
New Shrink,
I
am slowly but surely losing my Mother, who has always been one of my best
friends. It is not clear whether she just has some dementia or if she may have
Alzheimer’s. I have no brothers or sisters; my father is still around but
incapable of handling what is happening to his wife as he ages and is depressed
by the circumstances as well.
I
am obviously a baby boomer. I am college educated and fortunately have a good
paying job. I can help financially but I cannot help out as much as I would
like to on an emotional level because my work is so demanding. In this economy, I cannot risk taking
time off or being too preoccupied. So I stay focused and call and visit when I
can but honestly, the visits are very painful and my wife complains that I am
different for several days after I visit my parents. Don’t get me wrong, my wife cares about her in-laws and she
is very supportive but it’s whatever comes over me that bothers her.
I
don’t truly understand it myself. I am hoping you can shed some light because
while I don’t expect to be happy over my parents’ decline, I feel a bit spoiled
since I have had a number of friends that lost their parents years ago from
sudden illnesses, one from a heart attack and another lost both of his parents
to alcoholism at a very early age. Shouldn’t I just be grateful?
Signed,
A
Sad and Puzzled Man
Dear
Sad and Puzzled,
Your
feelings are completely normal and understandable.
I
think part of it may be that you are a man who most likely was taught to
compartmentalize your feelings and to be strong. But men and women alike can
feel confused about how lucky they are to still have their parents when they
are at an older age. No question, it is really terrible to lose a parent
prematurely and unexpectedly, or from a long horrible illness.
Loss
is always painful and definitely has its consequences to us if we cannot or do
not deal with it.
Loss
is easy to ignore or deny because it is so painful and our friends help to
perpetuate this because they often feel helpless and do not want to see us
suffer or to suffer the grief with us. Instant gratification, or feel good, is
unfortunately, most often preferred. But I promise you; there are consequences
to this that often bring serious problems to our lives.
Loss
that is not dealt with, grief unprocessed, leads to depression, substance
abuse, or addictions that distract us. It can also cause major problems with
relationships. I am not thinking of your wife or marriage at this point but it
could cause a problem there as well.
If
we do not deal with loss, we generally become detached or at the very least,
anxiously attached in our relationships. Being overly anxious in our
relationships can drive our partners away. Often we will spoil things because
we do not want to experience the heartbreak of another loss.
It
is very important that you face your own loss here. You mentioned that your
Mother had been a best friend. This is powerful and yes, you are lucky to have
had this kind of relationship but unfortunately, you are going to feel the pain
of losing her.
When
we are lucky enough to have our parents live until a ripe old age, it often
comes with a different kind of loss. Sometimes we become the parent as they become more childlike. We
lose the parent we have known and been close to for so long. Often it means
making decisions about whether to put them in a home or assisted living or a
facility for Alzheimer’s care. These are not easy decisions and actually should
not be made without help. Often this really requires the help of a specialist who
knows the differences in what is happening to your parent and can go over the
financial aspects with you as well. Surprisingly, this is usually at no cost to
you.
But
please understand that it is every bit as important for you to get help with
understanding and processing your personal loss. A natural part of life or not,
loss is always painful and should be treated with the care and respect it and
you deserve. There are bereavement groups, which are easy to find, or if you
prefer a more private individualized approach, you can see a therapist like
myself who specializes in grief and loss.
Please
give yourself a break and respect your feelings. No matter how it occurs, loss
brings grief. Don’t bury it alive.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Be True to Self and Live Happy Stress Free
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Stress Free and Happy Life Means Being True to Yourself
Dear New Shrink,
The idea of having too
much free time is hard for me, but I also hate to be overly busy. It's so hard
for me to find a balance; I'm either too bored or too stressed. It's
strange because I wonder why I get so antsy about having nothing to do.
But then when I have options of having full time jobs that will take almost all
my time, I don't want that either. I guess I'm just lost around this
topic, and looking for some advice/suggestions as to what can be going on.
Signed
Antsy
Dear Antsy,
It’s actually a good question
because it says a lot. However because I don’t know you personally, your age,
gender, life circumstances, I will have to answer this in a general way, and
hope that it helps you.
Many people have
difficulty finding balance in their lives these days. You are not without
company.
It is important to say
that stress is very bad for us; it’s bad for our health and also, we do not
make our best decisions under stress. On the other hand, boredom is not a
natural state either. When one is bored, it generally means that they are not
engaged with life. Sure, we all get bored from time to time but when it is put
the way you say it, as either or and a chronic condition, there is reason for
concern.
You are either not truly
engaged with life as your true self would choose or you actually do not know
your real Self.
People who enjoy some
silence, down quiet time away from all the buzz and fuzz of everyday life, are
generally more connected to their selves and tend to be more enlightened.
I am not talking about
isolating, although there is a case to be made for that in certain societies.
Monks are well known for their choice to be alone and silent for long periods
of time. Their goal is to be enlightened and spiritual.
In our society, isolating
can be a sign of depression, social phobia or an interpersonal problem.
But to be bored or antsy
when alone or with nothing to do, as you put it, is a sign of not being really
connected with your self. I would guess that there is a deep or at least true
fear of being in touch with your real feelings about yourself, your life or
others around you. The other possibility would be profound loneliness that is
also like stress, very bad for our health. But then there is the question of
what is causing this type of loneliness, if that is what you have.
My suggestion to you
would be to try to work out what type of realistic schedule works for you, one
that will not stress you out too much.
After you get that worked
out, then take your down time and try something like meditation or Yoga.
Definitely use the time to get real with yourself and know who you really are
and what you truly feel in whatever way that works for you.
Feelings never killed
anyone as long as they are processed in a healthy way. Our fear of being in
touch with ourselves is usually much bigger than it needs to be.
Often fear of feeling
comes from childhood feelings that at the time we were unable to deal with
because we were young and did not have the tools. But most adults have the
tools to deal with suppressed or hidden feelings and will be just fine in terms
of getting honest with themselves. It is definitely easier to do with the help
of another. A supportive friend that you can trust, a spiritual mentor or a
therapist can be a big help. But even this is not always necessary especially
if you do not have an unusual trauma history or a mental health problem.
The only way to a happy
and healthy life is to be in touch with you and true to you. And definitely it
goes without saying, that is should be as stress free as possible.
Antsy, ask yourself why?
If you are honest with yourself, you will know.
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