When best friends date

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press in Life Matters Column on July 12, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I have two very close friends. I used to have strong feelings for one of them and now they have started dating each other. I don't want to withdraw from the friendship but I feel jealous and uncomfortable when I spend time with them.
Will these feelings go away if I spend more time with them or should I just tell them that I need to spend less time with them?
Thanks,
Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,
This does indeed sound very uncomfortable. I don't know that there is any hard and fast rule on this.
You say that these are two very close friends so I would like to start there with how close they really are. Many people use the term friend to refer to anyone that they have socialized with or have just been affiliated with through work or a community that they share.
I tend toward conceptualizing "friends" into three circles. The first inner circle would consist of maybe three to five people depending on your age and your marital status. I say marital status because our partners usually become one of our best friends and if we have a family, which will take a lot of time and energy, we have less of it to go around. Truly close friends are those you can really be yourself with, share openly with and you know that they have your back. These friends that I call your inner circle require a lot of attention. We must keep them alive and well and most of us can only maintain a few at a time.
The second circle can be much larger because it consists of people we like and do things with on a regular basis but we do not have the same degree of closeness and do not share so intimately with them. Often friends move from the inner circle to the second or vice versa.
Then there is the third or outer circle, which consists of people we socialize with and enjoy, but do not necessarily open up with as much. These are the people we might invite to a birthday party or that we enjoy catching up with when we run into them or get together occasionally, but they are not our best friends.
Now using my conceptualization as a framework, where would you place these two friends? If they are in your inner circle you might just want to explain your feelings to them and then see how it feels. If it's still uncomfortable, you might just have to move them to the second circle where you feel more at ease.
You might also want to consider moving them to a different circle until you resolve this. By resolve, I mean processing your feelings with either a friend from your inner circle who doesn't have an opinion on the issue or talking with a completely neutral third party.
I am also wondering, as a psychologist, how deep do these feelings go and how long have you had them? Did you ever actually have a relationship with this friend or is it that you have these feelings on your own? If you had a relationship, however long or short, then it should be much easier to talk to them. Actually it's probably already a question in the back of their minds.
But if it is the latter, perhaps you should ask yourself if you tend to be attracted to people who are unavailable or if this person maybe reminds you of someone else who has been important in your life. Not in every way but in their essence and in the way that they make you feel. If the answer is yes, then you probably have unresolved issues with the person(s) you are reminded of.
You say "used to have" strong feelings, but I wonder if it is truly past tense? I mean if it is truly in the past, why are you jealous now? Unless it's your ego or insecurity in that you didn't get what you wanted and someone else did.
I have more questions than answers, but I hope that they will lead you to finding some of your own answers. Really asking these questions seriously and mindfully reflecting on your answers should give you a big head start.
By the way, if you do decide to hang out with them more instead backing off, pay close attention to what feelings you have when you are around them and then answer these questions again.
The truth does tend to come to those who seek it and it can set us free. Listen carefully to what you already know.

Are my relationships with the opposite sex doomed?

Originally Posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 28, 2012
www.smdp.com


Dear New Shrink,
I am really worried that I will not be able to have a normal or healthy relationship with a guy. I already notice that I am either completely detached, especially if I start to feel something, or even worse, I am especially attracted to bad boys that do not treat me well.
My parents had a very bad marriage and my father did not treat my mother well at all. I have no respect for my mother for having put up with this and I have very mixed feelings about my dad. I honestly do not respect him either and sometimes really do not like him, but he has always been sort of good to me and he provided our family with a nice lifestyle.
I sometimes feel like I have no right to complain because some people have it much worse and in many ways I am privileged. But on the other hand, my emotional life growing up was not a privilege at all. And I am really beginning to see the damage it did. I do not trust men, do not expect relationships to work and see little point in even trying to have one.
Yet some part of me knows that I might be wrong; that maybe it is just due to my family experience.
Can you shed some light on this subject?
Signed,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,
First of all, I do not believe that you are "doomed" to have no relationship at all or just bad ones. In my view, the only doomed people are those who refuse to look at themselves. Some people just do not pay attention, never reflect on anything and they also tend to view everything in their lives as coming from outside.
This is not to say that some situations or conditions that we have little to no control over can and do occur. Your family situation is one of them. But what you decide to do with it is something you can control. The good news here is that you are already asking the question and this is a question you should take seriously.
You do not have to follow in your parents' footsteps. They provided you, as all families do, a profoundly influential model of relationships. It is difficult to change this idea within yourself, but you can do it. Start by looking around, outside of yourself and your family and notice that there are relationships that are working. Look for healthy relationships where the love and attachment is strong and try to realize that this is a real possibility.
Of course there are many bad examples these days, along with a high divorce rate, but look for the ones that are healthy and pay attention to what they do differently.
I believe that a big part of the reason for high divorce rates and relationships not working out has to do with people not being willing to work on things, expecting quick, easy answers and fast satisfaction. I believe that many of us have come to expect this in this age of technology.
But relationships have inherent conflicts and our respective psychologies are far too complex to lend themselves to quick fixes. We have to be willing to listen and learn from our partners and empathy is an absolute must.
Also some people choose the wrong partners and usually don't take the time to really get to know them and to explore their expectations about relationships. This is a crucial first step and probably explains the saying that "love is blind." It is in the beginning and that is why we need to pay attention, take our time and reflect on our choices and decisions.
In terms of you specifically, you should explore your feelings and your beliefs at a deeper level. Beliefs are just that, beliefs! They can be changed.
Again, I am not saying that it is easy, but if you want to change what you view as your determined destination, there is no way around it.
Finally, it is best if you do not try to do it by yourself. As humans we have an incredible capacity for lying to ourselves. You can start with observation of others, reading, writing about your feelings and thoughts and doing your best to challenge your beliefs, but in the end it is better if you can have an objective listener i.e., one without an agenda, to help you look at the bigger picture. This might be individual or group therapy or someone you trust from another source but are sure that they do not have an agenda for you.
Hang in there and believe it; you can change.