Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 29, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend, who I have actually asked to
marry me. I want to spend my life with her but she is adamant that I no
longer smoke pot or she will not marry me. I guess our engagement is on
hold.
I need pot for stress and back pain. I do not feel I should just give in
and allow her to control me and I really feel I need to have my pot, at
least occasionally. But I do not want to lose her either.
Please help with any suggestions you may have. I am really in a contrary position.
Signed,
Contrary
Dear Contrary,
I have to say what I will probably end up repeating, and that is healthy
and happy relationships require “room for two!” If you are truly in
love with each other you will have to come to some sort of compromise.
Being able to understand the other and reasons that they may feel the
way that they do is critical to a good relationship or marriage.
Empathy and aggression, or in this case anger (aggressive feelings), are
inversely related. As one goes up the other goes down. Let me be clear
though, that empathy is not sympathy. Many people think that it is one
and the same. It often leads to sympathy and compassion, but it is not
one in the same. Empathy is the ability to be truly attuned to the
other, to vicariously share in their subjective experience. In other
words, you need to really be able to put yourself in each other’s shoes.
So before you dig your heels in, try to find out and understand why she
is feeling the way that she is. Also, maybe you need to think about why
pot is so important to you or is it just that you don’t want to be told
what to do?
In terms of pot, there truly are other ways to get stress release and
also to manage back pain. Is this really the issue or do you just like
getting high?
Strive to be honest with yourself and then try talking with your girlfriend.
Also, it sounds like you may smoke frequently if not daily.
To put it in perspective and to understand some possible reasons she may
feel the way that she does, please understand that pot does put you in a
different state of consciousness and if she does not smoke as well,
then she may not feel the same connection with you that she would like
to feel. That is actually a compliment to you.
Smoking pot is also a carcinogen; perhaps she does not want you to get cancer.
Also, if you have children, the secondhand smoke can and would affect them.
Finally, she may see something that pot is doing to you that you cannot see in yourself.
Now, on the other hand, I would guess you have been together for awhile
if you have asked her to marry you. Isn’t this something she has known
about you or did she just discover it?
If she has known all along then I would wonder about her co-dependency and whether she has had an agenda to change you.
Obviously, you do need to talk about this dilemma you are having.
I am a big believer in premarital counseling, which can be obtained with
just the two of you, or in a group setting with other couples
considering marriage.
It really does help you to be clear about each others’ expectations and fantasies about what the marriage will be.
Marriage can be difficult and we have seen many deciding not to marry and of those who do, about half end in divorce.
It really sounds like you need this kind of help and I hope she would agree to it, before you get married.
If you give up smoking pot just because she demands it, you will probably resent her. Not a good place to start in a marriage.
As I said in the beginning, there needs to be room for two. There has to
be room for both of you and communication and compromise is critical.
It really sounds like you are at a standoff and that is not indicative of love.
I would recommend that you have her read this or that you go to her and
tell her that you love her and want to work this out but probably need a
little help to do it.
The help is confidential, supportive and kind. Hopefully, you can resolve this. Good luck!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Compromising career, family for fling
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 15, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
Everyone is talking about it and I simply do not understand how CIA director Gen. David Petraeus could end up having an affair when he has been married for 38 years. As a married person, this really worries me. Can you offer any insights?
Signed,
Concerned Married person
Dear Concerned,
A long-term and happy marriage is a wonderful thing. In this case they have had children together, creating a hopefully happy family. It is definitely a hard thing to give up and one that is not easily compromised.
By all accounts, the two military people who had the affair were both married with children. So as the story goes, Gen. Petraeus had a lot in common with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. She had served in the military, rising to the rank of major in the Army Reserve. They were both very active and physically fit. Word has it that they started their initial interviews while running together.
From what I can tell, albeit from a distance, his testosterone was still working for him and I think most people would agree that she, whether you like her right now or not, is a very attractive woman.
Having a lot in common and lots of shared stories and experiences helps to create a close friendship. In marriage, you may still have a lot in common — your children, family, and a history — but a new person who shares many of your current experiences and seems to really understand you is very powerful.
Let us not forget that Broadwell was spending a lot of time with the general in order to write his biography. This means so much more than just time together, although what I have already said is enough to spark the interest, but not necessarily enough for any compromising action.
It’s important to realize that we all have a deep need to be understood and to be known for who we really are. As a biographer, the questions asked and information shared would only get more and more intimate over time. As the trust and closeness builds, more is revealed. This feeling of connection can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
When you really understand the profound feeling of being understood and appreciated by someone who seems to really know you, someone that you also have a lot in common with and you may also find physically attractive, the chemistry created is extremely powerful.
It seems like what happened is more of a falling into an affair that is already practically happening vs. a decision to have an affair. These conditions are powerful and all of us can be vulnerable to them.
I think the operative word “decision” should have come into the picture before it got so far along. When the fire was stirring, one or both of them should have stepped back. A good way to step back is to talk about the feelings that are evolving and bring the rational mind into the picture. Do we really want to take this further? Are we willing to take the chance of what it could mean?
This seems to be why everyone expected so much more from someone who has been as heroic in so many ways as has Gen. Petraeus. If not him, the master of strategy, then who can use their decision-making powers? Then again, perhaps he was simply tired of always making the right decisions. Maybe it was just that chemistry that got the best of him.
In your marriage, it is really important to keep your interest in each other alive and well. It means date nights and special time together on a regular basis. Often as marriages progress, we just take the love for granted and we focus more on the children, overall family, what needs to get done and our future plans. It is not unusual that we forget to think about and make sure we are truly in sync with our partners.
I am not saying that this was the case with either of the two because I don’t know them, but I do know that if you are current and real with your partner and you feel that deep connection on a regular basis, it is far less likely that you would continue down a path that might just undo your marital relationship.
If you are feeling neglected, resentful or angry about anything, find a way to talk with your partner; be real. And keep your eyes and ears open; don’t assume anything when there is an unusual situation occurring.
Stay clear, current and close.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
Everyone is talking about it and I simply do not understand how CIA director Gen. David Petraeus could end up having an affair when he has been married for 38 years. As a married person, this really worries me. Can you offer any insights?
Signed,
Concerned Married person
Dear Concerned,
A long-term and happy marriage is a wonderful thing. In this case they have had children together, creating a hopefully happy family. It is definitely a hard thing to give up and one that is not easily compromised.
By all accounts, the two military people who had the affair were both married with children. So as the story goes, Gen. Petraeus had a lot in common with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. She had served in the military, rising to the rank of major in the Army Reserve. They were both very active and physically fit. Word has it that they started their initial interviews while running together.
From what I can tell, albeit from a distance, his testosterone was still working for him and I think most people would agree that she, whether you like her right now or not, is a very attractive woman.
Having a lot in common and lots of shared stories and experiences helps to create a close friendship. In marriage, you may still have a lot in common — your children, family, and a history — but a new person who shares many of your current experiences and seems to really understand you is very powerful.
Let us not forget that Broadwell was spending a lot of time with the general in order to write his biography. This means so much more than just time together, although what I have already said is enough to spark the interest, but not necessarily enough for any compromising action.
It’s important to realize that we all have a deep need to be understood and to be known for who we really are. As a biographer, the questions asked and information shared would only get more and more intimate over time. As the trust and closeness builds, more is revealed. This feeling of connection can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
When you really understand the profound feeling of being understood and appreciated by someone who seems to really know you, someone that you also have a lot in common with and you may also find physically attractive, the chemistry created is extremely powerful.
It seems like what happened is more of a falling into an affair that is already practically happening vs. a decision to have an affair. These conditions are powerful and all of us can be vulnerable to them.
I think the operative word “decision” should have come into the picture before it got so far along. When the fire was stirring, one or both of them should have stepped back. A good way to step back is to talk about the feelings that are evolving and bring the rational mind into the picture. Do we really want to take this further? Are we willing to take the chance of what it could mean?
This seems to be why everyone expected so much more from someone who has been as heroic in so many ways as has Gen. Petraeus. If not him, the master of strategy, then who can use their decision-making powers? Then again, perhaps he was simply tired of always making the right decisions. Maybe it was just that chemistry that got the best of him.
In your marriage, it is really important to keep your interest in each other alive and well. It means date nights and special time together on a regular basis. Often as marriages progress, we just take the love for granted and we focus more on the children, overall family, what needs to get done and our future plans. It is not unusual that we forget to think about and make sure we are truly in sync with our partners.
I am not saying that this was the case with either of the two because I don’t know them, but I do know that if you are current and real with your partner and you feel that deep connection on a regular basis, it is far less likely that you would continue down a path that might just undo your marital relationship.
If you are feeling neglected, resentful or angry about anything, find a way to talk with your partner; be real. And keep your eyes and ears open; don’t assume anything when there is an unusual situation occurring.
Stay clear, current and close.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
How do I get over myself?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 1, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I read your column about teaching kids to have self-efficacy. I think I suffer from the lack of self-efficacy, but I don’t have self-esteem issues. I am a self-employed hairstylist who is struggling because I don’t like to approach people about my services. I am outgoing and a lot of fun and my friends tell me that I have everything it takes to be a huge success in whatever I decide to do in life — looks, brains, business savvy — but I can’t get going. I am afraid that people will turn me down and not like me and I know that it’s in my head. Question: How do I get over myself? Am I in my own way?
Signed,
Need to Get Over Myself
Dear Need to Get Over Myself,
I think you are being a tad hard on yourself. You actually describe a number of nice attributes and you say that your friends seem quite complimentary of you. So I suggest that you calm down and let’s rethink this.
The issue here actually does not sound like a problem with self-efficacy.
Perhaps I did not explain it well enough in my first article that you read, but at the same time it actually is a complicated concept that is based on considerable research, one that is difficult to truly explain in a brief column like this.
Simply put, self-efficacy is about a sense of self, a belief about oneself. It is a knowing that you can be effective at something or that you are effective as a person. You say that you are effective in your skills as a hairdresser and you know it. Your friendship skills seem adequate. And you sound like you do believe in yourself. If I read you right, you believe that you would be very competent and successful if the customers would just come.
The issue you raise about creating a clientele is a marketing issue. Some people are good at selling themselves, others are not, and so I see where your question comes from. However, most people would find it difficult to go up to a stranger and say let me cut your hair because I am terrific at it.
And it is probably all the more so here in Los Angeles where either our bodies or our hair is so important.
You need a marketing strategy and if you can’t sell yourself somehow, then you probably need to get some marketing help. Once you are up and running, word of mouth will take over. But you have to first make yourself visible.
The Issue you raised really seems to be more about a fear of rejection. What really captured my attention was your statement that you are afraid people will turn you down and not like you, but you know that it is all in your head.
First off, what is in your head is everything. “As a man thinketh, so he is!” If we think it, we feel it and we generally behave accordingly. To say it is just in my head is really something you need to take a second look at.
Realizing that this fear you have may just be in your head, but because it is in your head you obviously believe it and you are behaving as if it is true, is the first step.
The belief seems to be that you will be rejected if you try to sell yourself or reach out. If I were you I would ask myself who in your past has put you down or rejected you in this way.
We are not born with these types of feelings and beliefs. We learn them as we go along in life, so something or someone contributed to this fear you have.
It is amazing how just one or two people can cause us to believe things about ourselves. However, if we are young and developmentally impressionable or if they are fairly important people to us, the beliefs will take hold.
I suggest that you think about this seriously and ask yourself if you really want to allow whatever situations or people to continue to have this effect on you. If not, you can begin testing your belief; there is a very good chance that it is a false one. Test it a little bit at a time, but if you find that you can’t get over it, that it just goes too deep or is just too scary to do on your own, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck and thank you for your question and for reading Life Matters.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I read your column about teaching kids to have self-efficacy. I think I suffer from the lack of self-efficacy, but I don’t have self-esteem issues. I am a self-employed hairstylist who is struggling because I don’t like to approach people about my services. I am outgoing and a lot of fun and my friends tell me that I have everything it takes to be a huge success in whatever I decide to do in life — looks, brains, business savvy — but I can’t get going. I am afraid that people will turn me down and not like me and I know that it’s in my head. Question: How do I get over myself? Am I in my own way?
Signed,
Need to Get Over Myself
Dear Need to Get Over Myself,
I think you are being a tad hard on yourself. You actually describe a number of nice attributes and you say that your friends seem quite complimentary of you. So I suggest that you calm down and let’s rethink this.
The issue here actually does not sound like a problem with self-efficacy.
Perhaps I did not explain it well enough in my first article that you read, but at the same time it actually is a complicated concept that is based on considerable research, one that is difficult to truly explain in a brief column like this.
Simply put, self-efficacy is about a sense of self, a belief about oneself. It is a knowing that you can be effective at something or that you are effective as a person. You say that you are effective in your skills as a hairdresser and you know it. Your friendship skills seem adequate. And you sound like you do believe in yourself. If I read you right, you believe that you would be very competent and successful if the customers would just come.
The issue you raise about creating a clientele is a marketing issue. Some people are good at selling themselves, others are not, and so I see where your question comes from. However, most people would find it difficult to go up to a stranger and say let me cut your hair because I am terrific at it.
And it is probably all the more so here in Los Angeles where either our bodies or our hair is so important.
You need a marketing strategy and if you can’t sell yourself somehow, then you probably need to get some marketing help. Once you are up and running, word of mouth will take over. But you have to first make yourself visible.
The Issue you raised really seems to be more about a fear of rejection. What really captured my attention was your statement that you are afraid people will turn you down and not like you, but you know that it is all in your head.
First off, what is in your head is everything. “As a man thinketh, so he is!” If we think it, we feel it and we generally behave accordingly. To say it is just in my head is really something you need to take a second look at.
Realizing that this fear you have may just be in your head, but because it is in your head you obviously believe it and you are behaving as if it is true, is the first step.
The belief seems to be that you will be rejected if you try to sell yourself or reach out. If I were you I would ask myself who in your past has put you down or rejected you in this way.
We are not born with these types of feelings and beliefs. We learn them as we go along in life, so something or someone contributed to this fear you have.
It is amazing how just one or two people can cause us to believe things about ourselves. However, if we are young and developmentally impressionable or if they are fairly important people to us, the beliefs will take hold.
I suggest that you think about this seriously and ask yourself if you really want to allow whatever situations or people to continue to have this effect on you. If not, you can begin testing your belief; there is a very good chance that it is a false one. Test it a little bit at a time, but if you find that you can’t get over it, that it just goes too deep or is just too scary to do on your own, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck and thank you for your question and for reading Life Matters.
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