Do you ever feel like the only single person around? Dr Barge gives advice to shed off those lonely feelings.
Dear New Shrink,
I read your article on loneliness and got discouraged because I am lonely. I do have friends and I think that I do connect with them, but I do not have a love relationship. It seems like most of my friends do and actually, many of them are getting married soon or are already married.
Is something wrong with me? Can you tell me how to get into a relationship and keep it going?
Signed,
Lonely Single
Dear Single,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged. From your comments, I assume that you are a young person. Not everyone finds love at the same time or pace. Please don't think that something is wrong just because you are not on some kind of schedule. And definitely do not try to force yourself into a relationship before the actual Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. Unless you have some serious attachment issues, calm down, your time will come.
There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First off, there is what I refer to as the three C's: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. It is also highly recommended that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal and something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political; it might be saving the environment, or fighting for the right to bare arms. Having that one thing that you both share and are impassioned about can see you through rough times and actually, being involved with it now is a great way of meeting someone you will click with.
Next, selecting someone with a character you like, admire and respect is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along. So in choosing, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he or she treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?
Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't rely on changing it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, be empathic and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about, not scream, but talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need.
A basic rules is "relationships require room for two" and this means allowing for each other's needs and tolerating differences. If I can take care of me, my partner and the relationship, all at the same time, we are in good shape or at least I am. This is one indication of good mental health and it certainly is an aspect to keeping a relationship alive and well.
Don't get me wrong, this is a hard thing to do but it should be your goal and if you work at it, you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and storms.
Money is the most frequent cause of conflict in marriages, so try to be clear and straightforward about this before you start a serious relationship.
And once you are in a serious relationship, count on conflict. It's normal and natural if you find yourself fighting once a week or more. Take it as a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble and get help.
Our divorce rate is high but many good relationships could be saved if they got help early enough. Too many couples wait until it is too late. Many had something special and good but let it go until it was too late. Never let pride keep you from getting the help you need. Losing that someone you love is not worth it. Hope this helps. Good Luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
How to enjoy the holiday spirit at a work function without making regrets
Dear New Shrink,
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Friday, November 26, 2010
Handling rejection a tough task: Dr Joanne Barge speaks out
Have you ever experienced a rejection that eats away at you? Dr Barge sheds insight on how to handle difficult feelings of rejection.
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can give me advise about handling rejection. I have started to feel really bad because I lost my job and cannot seem to find another one; several times I have gone on job interviews, and not even had a call back. But what is really troubling me is dating. I have no trouble getting dates but here too, often there is no second date. I did date someone I met online for about two months but it ended out of the blue. I just don't understand any of this and I am starting to feel like one big reject.
Signed,
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
Unfortunately, this seems to be a sign of the times. I think you are far from being alone on this one. Searching for a job or a partner, looking for work or dating, they are both two of the most difficult things to do right now.
I am not certain how much of it applies mostly here in California because we are certainly in financial trouble as a state and when it comes to dating, I am constantly being told how difficult it is to meet someone here.
Most people seem to be using online dating services and while they may be great for finding people and some have found their life partners on them, there is also a lot of inherent rejection as well. There are actually studies and psychological literature that talk about what has been referred to as the "flawometer." It seems that we tend to look for what we don't like or what seems wrong with someone rather then giving them a chance, when we are viewing them from an online web site. Part of the problem is that the questions tend to categorize people in a somewhat simplistic way; all of us have a lot more to us than can be expressed by checking off a box. This is simply the nature of the beast; there really is no other way to do it online.
When you first meet, it is somewhat contrived and most likely both parties are a bit nervous. If you use these online sites, it's best that you get to know each other through e-mail and phone conversations before actually meeting.
But more importantly, regarding the issue of rejection, it is a bit similar in looking for a job these days. Many positions get hundreds of applications. The employer looks through them very quickly and if your letter of intent and resume are not ideal, just like that "flawometer" in online dating, you won't even get the first meeting. If you do get the interview but are not the one chosen, you just have to realize that it was not a dislike or rejection of you but that they chose someone better suited for the position; someone they just "clicked" with or had the best chemistry with.
The same goes for dating, if there isn't chemistry or an attraction, most people keep moving, looking for someone that they have this with. Attraction can and often does grow with time but few of us are willing to wait. In this age of technology, most people want quick results and actually may be passing up some real opportunities without knowing it.
I honestly feel that we can't or shouldn't take this all so personally. It is impossible to make yourself attracted to someone; you either feel it or you don't. Chemistry is a complicated thing; it pulls in the physical, the emotional and sometimes subconscious, and definitely the psychological draw or match. This may or may not be healthy, ideal or even the best choice.
But as much as we would like to think we have control over this, we don't have as much as we might want to believe.
So what is rejection really? I think of it as a very active and often aggressive act. If we cannot control our attractions, cannot make ourselves be attracted to or have chemistry with someone, then are we rejecting them?
Maybe we need to rethink rejection. In a job interview, there are several excellent candidates but we can only pick one and the one we decide on seems the best fit out of the three. Are we really rejecting the other two?
Or is it simply that we go with what feels the best, then and there. Who knows? It could be a mistake but I really question if we should call it rejection.
Of course there are times that we all "feel" rejected, or are concerned about making someone else feel rejected and I do not mean to minimize these feelings. But feelings are not facts and I think we just might want to start rethinking what rejection really means.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can give me advise about handling rejection. I have started to feel really bad because I lost my job and cannot seem to find another one; several times I have gone on job interviews, and not even had a call back. But what is really troubling me is dating. I have no trouble getting dates but here too, often there is no second date. I did date someone I met online for about two months but it ended out of the blue. I just don't understand any of this and I am starting to feel like one big reject.
Signed,
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
Unfortunately, this seems to be a sign of the times. I think you are far from being alone on this one. Searching for a job or a partner, looking for work or dating, they are both two of the most difficult things to do right now.
I am not certain how much of it applies mostly here in California because we are certainly in financial trouble as a state and when it comes to dating, I am constantly being told how difficult it is to meet someone here.
Most people seem to be using online dating services and while they may be great for finding people and some have found their life partners on them, there is also a lot of inherent rejection as well. There are actually studies and psychological literature that talk about what has been referred to as the "flawometer." It seems that we tend to look for what we don't like or what seems wrong with someone rather then giving them a chance, when we are viewing them from an online web site. Part of the problem is that the questions tend to categorize people in a somewhat simplistic way; all of us have a lot more to us than can be expressed by checking off a box. This is simply the nature of the beast; there really is no other way to do it online.
When you first meet, it is somewhat contrived and most likely both parties are a bit nervous. If you use these online sites, it's best that you get to know each other through e-mail and phone conversations before actually meeting.
But more importantly, regarding the issue of rejection, it is a bit similar in looking for a job these days. Many positions get hundreds of applications. The employer looks through them very quickly and if your letter of intent and resume are not ideal, just like that "flawometer" in online dating, you won't even get the first meeting. If you do get the interview but are not the one chosen, you just have to realize that it was not a dislike or rejection of you but that they chose someone better suited for the position; someone they just "clicked" with or had the best chemistry with.
The same goes for dating, if there isn't chemistry or an attraction, most people keep moving, looking for someone that they have this with. Attraction can and often does grow with time but few of us are willing to wait. In this age of technology, most people want quick results and actually may be passing up some real opportunities without knowing it.
I honestly feel that we can't or shouldn't take this all so personally. It is impossible to make yourself attracted to someone; you either feel it or you don't. Chemistry is a complicated thing; it pulls in the physical, the emotional and sometimes subconscious, and definitely the psychological draw or match. This may or may not be healthy, ideal or even the best choice.
But as much as we would like to think we have control over this, we don't have as much as we might want to believe.
So what is rejection really? I think of it as a very active and often aggressive act. If we cannot control our attractions, cannot make ourselves be attracted to or have chemistry with someone, then are we rejecting them?
Maybe we need to rethink rejection. In a job interview, there are several excellent candidates but we can only pick one and the one we decide on seems the best fit out of the three. Are we really rejecting the other two?
Or is it simply that we go with what feels the best, then and there. Who knows? It could be a mistake but I really question if we should call it rejection.
Of course there are times that we all "feel" rejected, or are concerned about making someone else feel rejected and I do not mean to minimize these feelings. But feelings are not facts and I think we just might want to start rethinking what rejection really means.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Monday, November 22, 2010
Brentwood Therapist Dr. Barge give advice on: Trying to strengthen family ties
Have you ever felt feelings of abandonment by your family? Dr Barge speaks on how to deal with family conflict that may be getting in the way of healthy family relationships.
Dear New Shrink,
I am in so much pain; I don't know what to do. I feel completely abandoned by my family. Years ago my parents divorced. My father was abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. When I moved out we were barely speaking. I told my mom she needed to get sober. I sent for the Al-Anon literature, but when I gave it to her she quit speaking to me for five months! Luckily, I found my husband and we now have a lovely son, just over a year old. I considered not inviting my mother to the wedding but decided to invite her on the condition that she would not drink at my wedding. My father was not invited at all. His behavior was absolutely intolerable to me. My Mother came to the wedding but did not keep her promise to stay sober. She was as drunk as ever and actually fell on the dance floor. We have not spoken since. She tried to visit me at the hospital when my son was born but I turned her away because I will not expose my son to her bad behavior. Now that he is a year old and I am such a proud mother, I really am feeling abandoned. My own mother has never seen my son, my father has only seen him once and the rest of the extended family, well you could count on one hand the times they have seen my son. No one seems to come around and I honestly fear that they have all taken my mother's side. I am a mature woman with a master's degree, am an excellent school teacher and a good mother. Thank God for my husband's family, they are helpful and loving to me. But I cannot shake off my hurt feelings of abandonment?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about, and feel, your pain. I can tell that you are, emotionally speaking, bleeding inside.
It sounds like you want to be close with your family of origin, or at least your mother and some of the extended family you have on her side. However, given your description, it's complicated. You want to be close but you don't want her around? Sounds like the only way you would consider being close is if she adheres to your rules. I don't know her or your family but in all relationships there really does need to be room for two. That is to say, room for negotiation.
More importantly, there seems to be an issue with alcoholism and while you probably do not want to hear this, you may be a little off base. Alcoholism is not bad behavior; it is a disease, and illness. Many people do not want to believe this but the science is there to prove it. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and then the drink takes the man."
This is an old Japanese proverb that explains the process, and progression very well. When the drunk starts taking the drink, it is no longer about choice and the behavior is a function of that brain chemistry. Blackouts and bad behavior come out of alcoholism but are not separate from it. Your mother doesn't get drunk at you nor does she mean to ruin your wedding, she is sick and she needs help. If she stopped talking to you when you gave her Al-Anon literature that was clearly defensive and it was her sickness talking.
It makes sense that you have misgivings about exposing your child to your mother's problem. This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. But you need to understand that your son is already genetically predisposed and at risk, and given your feelings of abandonment and resentment, you are the one that needs to learn more about alcoholism and you are the one who would benefit from Al-Anon. I know that it is not fair; and your feeling abandoned is totally understandable. All children of alcoholics feel this way. However, your resentment is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else.
My guess is that your extended family is probably trying to avoid the conflict, staying under the radar so to speak. If you want a relationship with them, reach out to them and see what happens. Alcoholism is a family disease and no one really knows what to do. Step up for yourself and take care of yourself by ridding yourself of resentment, learning about alcoholism and getting some counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for the sake of yourself and your son. Start to get healthy yourself, then reach out to your family. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I am in so much pain; I don't know what to do. I feel completely abandoned by my family. Years ago my parents divorced. My father was abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. When I moved out we were barely speaking. I told my mom she needed to get sober. I sent for the Al-Anon literature, but when I gave it to her she quit speaking to me for five months! Luckily, I found my husband and we now have a lovely son, just over a year old. I considered not inviting my mother to the wedding but decided to invite her on the condition that she would not drink at my wedding. My father was not invited at all. His behavior was absolutely intolerable to me. My Mother came to the wedding but did not keep her promise to stay sober. She was as drunk as ever and actually fell on the dance floor. We have not spoken since. She tried to visit me at the hospital when my son was born but I turned her away because I will not expose my son to her bad behavior. Now that he is a year old and I am such a proud mother, I really am feeling abandoned. My own mother has never seen my son, my father has only seen him once and the rest of the extended family, well you could count on one hand the times they have seen my son. No one seems to come around and I honestly fear that they have all taken my mother's side. I am a mature woman with a master's degree, am an excellent school teacher and a good mother. Thank God for my husband's family, they are helpful and loving to me. But I cannot shake off my hurt feelings of abandonment?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about, and feel, your pain. I can tell that you are, emotionally speaking, bleeding inside.
It sounds like you want to be close with your family of origin, or at least your mother and some of the extended family you have on her side. However, given your description, it's complicated. You want to be close but you don't want her around? Sounds like the only way you would consider being close is if she adheres to your rules. I don't know her or your family but in all relationships there really does need to be room for two. That is to say, room for negotiation.
More importantly, there seems to be an issue with alcoholism and while you probably do not want to hear this, you may be a little off base. Alcoholism is not bad behavior; it is a disease, and illness. Many people do not want to believe this but the science is there to prove it. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and then the drink takes the man."
This is an old Japanese proverb that explains the process, and progression very well. When the drunk starts taking the drink, it is no longer about choice and the behavior is a function of that brain chemistry. Blackouts and bad behavior come out of alcoholism but are not separate from it. Your mother doesn't get drunk at you nor does she mean to ruin your wedding, she is sick and she needs help. If she stopped talking to you when you gave her Al-Anon literature that was clearly defensive and it was her sickness talking.
It makes sense that you have misgivings about exposing your child to your mother's problem. This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. But you need to understand that your son is already genetically predisposed and at risk, and given your feelings of abandonment and resentment, you are the one that needs to learn more about alcoholism and you are the one who would benefit from Al-Anon. I know that it is not fair; and your feeling abandoned is totally understandable. All children of alcoholics feel this way. However, your resentment is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else.
My guess is that your extended family is probably trying to avoid the conflict, staying under the radar so to speak. If you want a relationship with them, reach out to them and see what happens. Alcoholism is a family disease and no one really knows what to do. Step up for yourself and take care of yourself by ridding yourself of resentment, learning about alcoholism and getting some counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for the sake of yourself and your son. Start to get healthy yourself, then reach out to your family. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Saturday, November 20, 2010
How can a 'nice guy" end up on such a horrible path?
Dear New Shrink,
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Brentwood Psychologist Dr Barge give insight into: Deciding when to hold on and when to let go
Is your marriage falling apart and you are worried about the impact it will have on your family? Dr Barge helps muddle through the wreckage to decide whats the best course of action for a family.
Dear New Shrink,
I am on the verge of ending a 20-plus year marriage, which also means the end of a family, as we have known it. Our children, three of them, are very upset, but generally speaking, doing well. One is ending high school and the other two are away at college, doing well.
As a couple, we are not happy, haven't been for years. Our sex life dwindled long ago, but even though our relationship seems empty now, and we are mostly fighting, I find myself feeling really sad about letting it go. He acts as if he is fine with moving on but I know that he is sad to. What should we be doing? Are we doing the right thing? How does one know?
Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
There are so many things to consider here.
It's unfortunate but the divorce rate here in the US, is 49 percent. Many of us are too quick to jump ship and don't do the things, I believe, we should do or try before ending a relationship, especially one with a commitment of marriage.
Having said that, there is clearly a difference between attachment and relationship. If the relationship is bad and cannot be "fixed" so to speak, then it is probably time to call it a day. No point in being miserable and trust me, it's not a favor to the kids to continue in misery.
The question is, where did you go wrong? Do both of you have the courage to look at the relationship realistically before you end it? Or maybe you have done this? It is not uncommon to see marriages end when the kids are grown up and leaving home. In this case it is because somewhere along the way you became parents only, no longer lovers and you forgot to take care of your marriage. Now you are like strangers.
Also, unfortunately, the birth of the first child is often the beginning of the end. This is because you move from your romantic dyad to a triangle. With triangles, someone has to be negotiated but it is not going to be the infant. The one left out, usually dads, will get hurt and jealous. That is where all the (bad) fun begins, if a couple is not educated and prepared for it.
No one likes to see a family end so it really is worth the effort to try some marriage or family counseling. It is especially hard at holidays when the grown kids come back but no longer really have a home to come home to. It's very sad for everyone.
I have seen all kinds of bad marriages/separations turn around, so there is always hope, but it is not easy if you wait too long.
If you do separate, end your "attachment," you can count on sadness. There is always grief and mourning when there is a loss of attachment. It comes with the territory. Expect sadness and a grief process when you end a significant or long-term attachment.
But an attachment, which we all need and is a basic instinct that causes us to form them, is very different from a relationship. After 20 years and three kids, you definitely have an attachment even if you no longer have a relationship. The attachment is that deep bond you feel, because you have it and have had it for awhile. The relationship is all about how you get along, how you "relate to each other." If the relationship sours and cannot be rekindled, then you let go. With that letting go, most people also lose their attachments. Loss of attachment always means sadness and a grieving process. It is simply part of our make up and to deny it or suppress it will only make you sick in some way. Let yourself grieve, it's natural and normal.
Just don't get confused thinking that your sadness over a loss of attachment means that the relationship was good or meant to be.
Attachment and relationship are connected but yet two separate things. You can't avoid the attachment sadness if the relationship goes but you can work on the relationship to see if maybe there isn't something left to work with.
I have seen so many couples turn it around. You fell in love when you married, that love might still be there.
Give yourself, your family, the "relationship" a chance. Seek counseling. If the relationship is truly over, then expect the natural grief and sadness that comes with the loss of any attachment.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I am on the verge of ending a 20-plus year marriage, which also means the end of a family, as we have known it. Our children, three of them, are very upset, but generally speaking, doing well. One is ending high school and the other two are away at college, doing well.
As a couple, we are not happy, haven't been for years. Our sex life dwindled long ago, but even though our relationship seems empty now, and we are mostly fighting, I find myself feeling really sad about letting it go. He acts as if he is fine with moving on but I know that he is sad to. What should we be doing? Are we doing the right thing? How does one know?
Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
There are so many things to consider here.
It's unfortunate but the divorce rate here in the US, is 49 percent. Many of us are too quick to jump ship and don't do the things, I believe, we should do or try before ending a relationship, especially one with a commitment of marriage.
Having said that, there is clearly a difference between attachment and relationship. If the relationship is bad and cannot be "fixed" so to speak, then it is probably time to call it a day. No point in being miserable and trust me, it's not a favor to the kids to continue in misery.
The question is, where did you go wrong? Do both of you have the courage to look at the relationship realistically before you end it? Or maybe you have done this? It is not uncommon to see marriages end when the kids are grown up and leaving home. In this case it is because somewhere along the way you became parents only, no longer lovers and you forgot to take care of your marriage. Now you are like strangers.
Also, unfortunately, the birth of the first child is often the beginning of the end. This is because you move from your romantic dyad to a triangle. With triangles, someone has to be negotiated but it is not going to be the infant. The one left out, usually dads, will get hurt and jealous. That is where all the (bad) fun begins, if a couple is not educated and prepared for it.
No one likes to see a family end so it really is worth the effort to try some marriage or family counseling. It is especially hard at holidays when the grown kids come back but no longer really have a home to come home to. It's very sad for everyone.
I have seen all kinds of bad marriages/separations turn around, so there is always hope, but it is not easy if you wait too long.
If you do separate, end your "attachment," you can count on sadness. There is always grief and mourning when there is a loss of attachment. It comes with the territory. Expect sadness and a grief process when you end a significant or long-term attachment.
But an attachment, which we all need and is a basic instinct that causes us to form them, is very different from a relationship. After 20 years and three kids, you definitely have an attachment even if you no longer have a relationship. The attachment is that deep bond you feel, because you have it and have had it for awhile. The relationship is all about how you get along, how you "relate to each other." If the relationship sours and cannot be rekindled, then you let go. With that letting go, most people also lose their attachments. Loss of attachment always means sadness and a grieving process. It is simply part of our make up and to deny it or suppress it will only make you sick in some way. Let yourself grieve, it's natural and normal.
Just don't get confused thinking that your sadness over a loss of attachment means that the relationship was good or meant to be.
Attachment and relationship are connected but yet two separate things. You can't avoid the attachment sadness if the relationship goes but you can work on the relationship to see if maybe there isn't something left to work with.
I have seen so many couples turn it around. You fell in love when you married, that love might still be there.
Give yourself, your family, the "relationship" a chance. Seek counseling. If the relationship is truly over, then expect the natural grief and sadness that comes with the loss of any attachment.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
How to deal with Depression
Dear New Shrink,
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Are you married but lonely tonight? Brentwood therapist Dr. Barge trudges through a difficult issue
Are you married and feel as though your words just aren't getting through to your spouse? Dr Barge gives some advice on how to open the lines of communication.
Dear New Shrink,
I have been married for five years to a kind and honest man. While I know he loves me a lot, he is emotionally unavailable. I am his opposite; I am open, passionate and outgoing. This passive marriage is making me lonely and bored.
He came from a conservative family and small town. Like a strict parent, he seems to thinks it's his job to reign me in. Our marriage is like a parent-child relationship.
When we have important issues to discuss like selecting a home, he will ask for my opinion but it seems more a courtesy than a true desire for my input. All he wants is an affirmation of his choice. A big problem is that we don't see eye-to-eye most of the time. So, we end up arguing because he is so eager to point out how wrong I am.
I retaliate by either ticking him off or be completely indifferent. Anything else would be a complete disaster for me. I can never tell him that there is something wrong; not even if there is a stain on his shirt. He retorts very sharply, I can't even tell him that his driving scares me. We have fought over his driving but it almost broke up our marriage.
When he feels challenged, he simply turns into a "bully." It simply doesn't matter what the issue, he is never wrong!
When I tried to express my unhappiness, and my thoughts that we should seek marriage counseling, he said it was "my" entire problem. He thinks that I am unhappy by nature and no matter what, cannot be content. This could not be further from the truth and any of my friends would verify this.
I feel so alone in this marriage but obviously he is happy, he makes the rules.
I know he loves me but I hate to think of living the rest of my life this way. In fact, I honestly do not think I can do it. No matter how much he loves me, I think I am going to walk. But I need to know that I have done everything and am not being hasty.
Signed,
Sole Curious
Dear Sole Curious,
I must say that this can be looked at and addressed from several perspectives.
It definitely sounds like you are in a power struggle, not uncommon but very bad for marriages. There needs to be mutual respect, cooperation and compromise for a marriage to be healthy and happy.
You say he makes all the rules and becomes a bully to enforce them. There should be "room for two" in any relationship. Without this, one of the two has to suppress their real self and you end up with a lot of resentment. As I have said so many times, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment.
Generally when a person tends to think in all or nothing terms and has difficulty admitting to being wrong, it is because they are deeply insecure. Controlling behavior like you describe in your husband is usually a function of intense anxiety about the attachment. It may be something that is just in your relationship but it is also likely that there is a problem with attachment in general.
But there is a bigger picture here. Let us not forget that there are two of you. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango." One question I have for you is how do you know that he loves you? You say it over and over again but I am wondering how you know this. Is it his words, kind gestures, what you want to believe since he married you; what or how do your know? Is there a good part to your relationship? Why did you marry him and what keeps you there?
You mention a parent-child relationship; what is that about? What part do you play? Is their any equality in the relationship? Is there any reason that he would feel you are so depressed or discontent? How did you become the child? Why have you let him make all the rules if you do indeed know that he loves you? Does he abuse you? Are you afraid? If that is the case, you had best get help in a hurry.
But you say he is kind and gentle and loves you. If this is true, you must start to think about your part in this marriage. You will not have done everything you can until you do so. Anything short of this will be hasty.
Some good news is that if you start to work on yourself, there is a good chance he will follow. Make an appointment; start the process of introspection. You might just be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I have been married for five years to a kind and honest man. While I know he loves me a lot, he is emotionally unavailable. I am his opposite; I am open, passionate and outgoing. This passive marriage is making me lonely and bored.
He came from a conservative family and small town. Like a strict parent, he seems to thinks it's his job to reign me in. Our marriage is like a parent-child relationship.
When we have important issues to discuss like selecting a home, he will ask for my opinion but it seems more a courtesy than a true desire for my input. All he wants is an affirmation of his choice. A big problem is that we don't see eye-to-eye most of the time. So, we end up arguing because he is so eager to point out how wrong I am.
I retaliate by either ticking him off or be completely indifferent. Anything else would be a complete disaster for me. I can never tell him that there is something wrong; not even if there is a stain on his shirt. He retorts very sharply, I can't even tell him that his driving scares me. We have fought over his driving but it almost broke up our marriage.
When he feels challenged, he simply turns into a "bully." It simply doesn't matter what the issue, he is never wrong!
When I tried to express my unhappiness, and my thoughts that we should seek marriage counseling, he said it was "my" entire problem. He thinks that I am unhappy by nature and no matter what, cannot be content. This could not be further from the truth and any of my friends would verify this.
I feel so alone in this marriage but obviously he is happy, he makes the rules.
I know he loves me but I hate to think of living the rest of my life this way. In fact, I honestly do not think I can do it. No matter how much he loves me, I think I am going to walk. But I need to know that I have done everything and am not being hasty.
Signed,
Sole Curious
Dear Sole Curious,
I must say that this can be looked at and addressed from several perspectives.
It definitely sounds like you are in a power struggle, not uncommon but very bad for marriages. There needs to be mutual respect, cooperation and compromise for a marriage to be healthy and happy.
You say he makes all the rules and becomes a bully to enforce them. There should be "room for two" in any relationship. Without this, one of the two has to suppress their real self and you end up with a lot of resentment. As I have said so many times, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment.
Generally when a person tends to think in all or nothing terms and has difficulty admitting to being wrong, it is because they are deeply insecure. Controlling behavior like you describe in your husband is usually a function of intense anxiety about the attachment. It may be something that is just in your relationship but it is also likely that there is a problem with attachment in general.
But there is a bigger picture here. Let us not forget that there are two of you. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango." One question I have for you is how do you know that he loves you? You say it over and over again but I am wondering how you know this. Is it his words, kind gestures, what you want to believe since he married you; what or how do your know? Is there a good part to your relationship? Why did you marry him and what keeps you there?
You mention a parent-child relationship; what is that about? What part do you play? Is their any equality in the relationship? Is there any reason that he would feel you are so depressed or discontent? How did you become the child? Why have you let him make all the rules if you do indeed know that he loves you? Does he abuse you? Are you afraid? If that is the case, you had best get help in a hurry.
But you say he is kind and gentle and loves you. If this is true, you must start to think about your part in this marriage. You will not have done everything you can until you do so. Anything short of this will be hasty.
Some good news is that if you start to work on yourself, there is a good chance he will follow. Make an appointment; start the process of introspection. You might just be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Friday, November 12, 2010
Having a hard time balancing priorites? Brentwood Psychologist Dr Barge gives advice on deciding on the things you really want
Dear New Shrink,
Recently I have become increasingly stressed out trying to do all of the things that are important to me. I have a career, hobby, girlfriend and social life, each of which I feel dedicated to. I think that I am good at time management, which seems like the logical answer. But when I prioritize one or two over the others, I end up wondering what I should be doing in the other areas, if I had the time.
Signed,
Rubber Ducky
Dear Rubber Ducky,
When I got your question I immediately thought that the name you chose to sign in with was interesting. Rubber Ducky. A rubber ducky floats around in the bathtub. They never sink unless you pop a hole in them but they don't get very far either; they just float around in circles. It sounds to me like this might be what you are saying? If it's not, then maybe it's time that you take a long hot relaxing bath and contemplate what is really important to you and where you want your life to be in five years.
Your stress does not seem like a time management issue; it sounds more like how do I fit it all in or what do I really want? I suspect that you are young because the older we get, the more established our careers become and we usually have picked a life partner and have made the choices we needed to make. All of your interests sound important but if you are really honest with yourself, some are going to be more important to you than others. You probably want it all because most of us do, but this is rarely possible and only so if you are able to integrate all of your interests in some way. For example, can you connect your social life with your career goals? Is your girlfriend interested in your career and friends? Are you interested in hers? Hopefully so, because you will want to do some of these things together, if you intend on having a future. It's also ideal if you share some of the same hobbies or recreational interests. Research on marital satisfaction has shown that you need to be highly compatible in four of five areas, if you are to be happy. These areas of intimacy are intellectual, emotional, sexual, social and recreational. Social intimacy means the sharing of a network of friends and recreational means enjoying many of the same things that you do for fun. The last two seem to apply to you.
Imagining where you want to be, what you want your life to look like in five years should really help you to prioritize. Take some time to really think about it and be honest with yourself. This should eliminate your stress and make you feel more comfortable for now. However, as you get older, if you marry and have children, your friends and recreational activities will change.
It's important to have some friends and hobbies outside of your work and relationship. This makes for a good life balance and helps to ensure that you do not feel as if you have compromised yourself. Folks who already have careers and families sometimes discover that they have made some bad choices for themselves, mostly in terms of giving up hobbies or certain friends. If this is the case, hopefully they have emotional intimacy (can freely share feelings) and will talk about what they truly need.
It's important that you do not let guilt get in the way; you won't be doing your girlfriend any favors. If you cannot be honest with yourself and your partner, you will just build resentment. And I promise you, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment. If you have already let this happen, you should not worry. The good news is that once the resentment is resolved, the flame almost always returns. Talk about it, work it out.
Lastly, we all need to learn that we cannot be all things to all people. It's important to know who we are and what we want from life. Everyone is not going to like us and we save ourselves a lot of wasted time if we just learn to be true to ourselves, the sooner the better. When we do this, the other things will begin to fall into place.
Thanks for writing in and best of luck to you.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Recently I have become increasingly stressed out trying to do all of the things that are important to me. I have a career, hobby, girlfriend and social life, each of which I feel dedicated to. I think that I am good at time management, which seems like the logical answer. But when I prioritize one or two over the others, I end up wondering what I should be doing in the other areas, if I had the time.
Signed,
Rubber Ducky
Dear Rubber Ducky,
When I got your question I immediately thought that the name you chose to sign in with was interesting. Rubber Ducky. A rubber ducky floats around in the bathtub. They never sink unless you pop a hole in them but they don't get very far either; they just float around in circles. It sounds to me like this might be what you are saying? If it's not, then maybe it's time that you take a long hot relaxing bath and contemplate what is really important to you and where you want your life to be in five years.
Your stress does not seem like a time management issue; it sounds more like how do I fit it all in or what do I really want? I suspect that you are young because the older we get, the more established our careers become and we usually have picked a life partner and have made the choices we needed to make. All of your interests sound important but if you are really honest with yourself, some are going to be more important to you than others. You probably want it all because most of us do, but this is rarely possible and only so if you are able to integrate all of your interests in some way. For example, can you connect your social life with your career goals? Is your girlfriend interested in your career and friends? Are you interested in hers? Hopefully so, because you will want to do some of these things together, if you intend on having a future. It's also ideal if you share some of the same hobbies or recreational interests. Research on marital satisfaction has shown that you need to be highly compatible in four of five areas, if you are to be happy. These areas of intimacy are intellectual, emotional, sexual, social and recreational. Social intimacy means the sharing of a network of friends and recreational means enjoying many of the same things that you do for fun. The last two seem to apply to you.
Imagining where you want to be, what you want your life to look like in five years should really help you to prioritize. Take some time to really think about it and be honest with yourself. This should eliminate your stress and make you feel more comfortable for now. However, as you get older, if you marry and have children, your friends and recreational activities will change.
It's important to have some friends and hobbies outside of your work and relationship. This makes for a good life balance and helps to ensure that you do not feel as if you have compromised yourself. Folks who already have careers and families sometimes discover that they have made some bad choices for themselves, mostly in terms of giving up hobbies or certain friends. If this is the case, hopefully they have emotional intimacy (can freely share feelings) and will talk about what they truly need.
It's important that you do not let guilt get in the way; you won't be doing your girlfriend any favors. If you cannot be honest with yourself and your partner, you will just build resentment. And I promise you, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment. If you have already let this happen, you should not worry. The good news is that once the resentment is resolved, the flame almost always returns. Talk about it, work it out.
Lastly, we all need to learn that we cannot be all things to all people. It's important to know who we are and what we want from life. Everyone is not going to like us and we save ourselves a lot of wasted time if we just learn to be true to ourselves, the sooner the better. When we do this, the other things will begin to fall into place.
Thanks for writing in and best of luck to you.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Brotherly tough love: 90049 Therapist Dr Barge talks through a difficult situation
Have you ever dealt with a difficult situation involving a sibling? Sometimes these situations can be hard to resolve without an outsiders perspective. See what Dr Barge has to say.
Dear New Shrink,
I have a 40-year-old brother who is living in the back guesthouse of my parents' home and has been there quite some time, for free. I realize times are tough but I can't help feeling like he is taking advantage of my elderly parents, who don't have the heart to kick him out.
Recently I have asked him to start paying rent, which seems fair to me. The reaction I got was a little surprising. He seemed to resent it and actually refused to pay. He seemed to think because he is family he should not have to pay anything.
I find myself in the position of trying to help my parents out because they actually could use the money but then being the bad guy for asking my brother to pay his fair share.
I know that economic times and jobs have been tough but they weren't that tough five years ago. It is nice to have him there to help my parents some but when does that become about taking advantage of my parents? He is an adult and as far as I can see able to pay. I have helped my parents pay for a number of things and don't see why he can't also.
I don't want to cause any more friction than there already is but I feel strongly about this. It's just not fair.
Signed,
Unfair
Dear Unfair,
You have no idea how often I hear this story these days. So many adults needing to go back home to live with parents and the siblings who support themselves often have negative feelings about it.
I won't pretend to tell you or anyone how to feel about this sort of thing but it seems like it depends, in large part, on the circumstances.
Your situation sounds like your brother has been there rent-free for some time now. You mention five years, has he been there that long? You are correct, five years ago we were in much better shape with our economy and there were more jobs. I am assuming that he works if you say that as far as you can see, he has the money to pay rent.
If he is working then he can't be available to take care of your elderly parents all that much, can he? At his age, I would assume he has some kind of social life. I'm sure it is nice to have him around when he isn't working, that is if he is there much, but how much is that worth? Have you calculated it? What would the guesthouse rent for if it were on the market? Perhaps figuring this out would be a beginning in establishing what is truly fair.
I don't know that you can say that he is taking advantage of your parents; this is for them to decide. Do they like having him around? Do they get an emotional advantage from it?
The issue that pops out at me is that you are helping your parents financially, but he is not.
It definitely seems unfair that you should be helping them out when he isn't, not only for the obvious reasons but because your support most likely means helping him out indirectly as well.
There is also the question of whether or not it is in your brother's best interest to continue living with your parents for so long and at his age. I say question because I don't know all of the circumstances. Did he lose a job? Does he have some type of handicap, emotionally or intellectually? Short of this, it is not in his best interest to continue living there indefinitely.
It definitely is not in your best interest to be in the role you described or to feel the resentment that I am imagining that you have.
Answer some of the questions I have posed here, calculate what you believe to be the fair monetary amount and then set out with a plan. Perhaps it means talking with your parents. It may mean having a family meeting. At the very least it will mean having another talk with your brother but this time, don't just ask for rent out of the blue. After all, he has been there rent-free for all of this time so at some level, you have all co-signed it.
Sit him down and go over the concerns and feelings that you have. Show him the financials on paper. Explain the burden you are carrying and maybe you need to start preparing yourself for what we call, "Tough Love."
It's up to you to think it over and either bow out or prepare for another conversation. If your family agrees, then be prepared to tell him to pay his fair share or leave.
Do not continue to harbor resentments. His problems are not worth compromising your health and well-being.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally Published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Monday, November 8, 2010
Feeling Down in the Dumps: 90049 Therapist Dr. Barge gives advice
Have you ever felt a little down but don't know what to do about it? Dr Barge gives some insight on the best course of action.
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can help me figure something out. I feel terrible. I have been feeling discouraged, sometimes kind of depressed and hopeless and I also have trouble sleeping plus I eat and drink more than I should, especially at night.
It took a lot of courage on my part to go and see a psychiatrist, but I did it. I looked it up online and picked a doctor that sounded good and was nearby and I made the appointment.
I was a little afraid to go because I heard that they always want to put you on drugs, but I also was hoping that he would give me something to help me feel better. Much to my surprise, he said that I was not "clinically depressed," whatever that means, and that I did not need an anti-depressant medication.
The visit was pretty short and he didn't really say what I should do, so I am hoping you can tell me what to do.
Signed,
Stumped
Dear Stumped,
First off I would never try to second-guess another doctor, especially when I am not in that interview with you nor do I know you or your circumstances.
A clinical depression is a "major depression" and you can look that up pretty easily. Go to the NIMH.gov website or maybe just WebMD.
When you have this type of depression, you can barely get out of bed in the morning, sometimes don't and have a great deal of difficulty functioning. You may cry for no apparent good reason; your concentration is usually seriously impaired; your self-esteem is way down and you often do not want to live or actually have active thoughts of suicide.
This is just the short version but I would recommend that you read up on it because it is serious and does require treatment.
So now back to you. Perhaps you are not really depressed but have bouts of it from time to time. This could be due to your life circumstances for example, stress in your life or an unresolved loss. Also, anger turned inward is the single greatest cause of these types of depressed moods.
Often people do not realize that they are suppressing their anger, which inevitably means it will come out in a passive-aggressive way, cause physical aches and pains or turn into depression. Ask yourself what you are angry about. Try hard to be honest and write it down. Talk to someone you can trust about it.
Many people confuse sadness with depression. Have you had a recent, say within the last few years, loss that really troubled you? Think hard if nothing comes to mind right away. It can be a job, marriage, love, good friend, home, parent, sibling, favorite cousin or a pet. If you feel yourself getting sad while reading this and thinking about it, you need to talk to someone. It can be a therapist, rabbi, minister or priest or there are bereavement groups.
Another possibility is post-traumatic stress, which is not limited to military folks. Any traumatic event that is unresolved, or at least not processed, leads to feelings of helplessness, which in turn, leads to hopelessness.
"Discouraged" is related to helpless and hopeless and also says that there is something you are trying to do or accomplish but that you are not getting there.
The feelings and symptoms you describe sound like post trauma, unresolved loss and difficulty dealing with frustration and anger. Eating and drinking too much is usually a form of self-medicating, which means trying to medicate or soothe your pain with food and drink.
Lastly, if you are really drinking too much, it may be a drinking problem. Did the psychiatrist ask you about this? Were you honest with him and are you honest with yourself? If you have a drinking problem it can lead to all the other problems you are struggling with.
Anti-depressants are not the solution for a drinking problem. They can help our mood when we are trying to get through a loss or trauma of some kind.
But I think you should consider seeing a psychotherapist. This would help you figure out what the real issues are and it would help you resolve the problems that you are having.
I hope this helps you out but think seriously about seeing a therapist as well. I generally tell patients to give it six visits and if it isn't helping or doesn't feel right at that point, find a different therapist or call it a day.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can help me figure something out. I feel terrible. I have been feeling discouraged, sometimes kind of depressed and hopeless and I also have trouble sleeping plus I eat and drink more than I should, especially at night.
It took a lot of courage on my part to go and see a psychiatrist, but I did it. I looked it up online and picked a doctor that sounded good and was nearby and I made the appointment.
I was a little afraid to go because I heard that they always want to put you on drugs, but I also was hoping that he would give me something to help me feel better. Much to my surprise, he said that I was not "clinically depressed," whatever that means, and that I did not need an anti-depressant medication.
The visit was pretty short and he didn't really say what I should do, so I am hoping you can tell me what to do.
Signed,
Stumped
Dear Stumped,
First off I would never try to second-guess another doctor, especially when I am not in that interview with you nor do I know you or your circumstances.
A clinical depression is a "major depression" and you can look that up pretty easily. Go to the NIMH.gov website or maybe just WebMD.
When you have this type of depression, you can barely get out of bed in the morning, sometimes don't and have a great deal of difficulty functioning. You may cry for no apparent good reason; your concentration is usually seriously impaired; your self-esteem is way down and you often do not want to live or actually have active thoughts of suicide.
This is just the short version but I would recommend that you read up on it because it is serious and does require treatment.
So now back to you. Perhaps you are not really depressed but have bouts of it from time to time. This could be due to your life circumstances for example, stress in your life or an unresolved loss. Also, anger turned inward is the single greatest cause of these types of depressed moods.
Often people do not realize that they are suppressing their anger, which inevitably means it will come out in a passive-aggressive way, cause physical aches and pains or turn into depression. Ask yourself what you are angry about. Try hard to be honest and write it down. Talk to someone you can trust about it.
Many people confuse sadness with depression. Have you had a recent, say within the last few years, loss that really troubled you? Think hard if nothing comes to mind right away. It can be a job, marriage, love, good friend, home, parent, sibling, favorite cousin or a pet. If you feel yourself getting sad while reading this and thinking about it, you need to talk to someone. It can be a therapist, rabbi, minister or priest or there are bereavement groups.
Another possibility is post-traumatic stress, which is not limited to military folks. Any traumatic event that is unresolved, or at least not processed, leads to feelings of helplessness, which in turn, leads to hopelessness.
"Discouraged" is related to helpless and hopeless and also says that there is something you are trying to do or accomplish but that you are not getting there.
The feelings and symptoms you describe sound like post trauma, unresolved loss and difficulty dealing with frustration and anger. Eating and drinking too much is usually a form of self-medicating, which means trying to medicate or soothe your pain with food and drink.
Lastly, if you are really drinking too much, it may be a drinking problem. Did the psychiatrist ask you about this? Were you honest with him and are you honest with yourself? If you have a drinking problem it can lead to all the other problems you are struggling with.
Anti-depressants are not the solution for a drinking problem. They can help our mood when we are trying to get through a loss or trauma of some kind.
But I think you should consider seeing a psychotherapist. This would help you figure out what the real issues are and it would help you resolve the problems that you are having.
I hope this helps you out but think seriously about seeing a therapist as well. I generally tell patients to give it six visits and if it isn't helping or doesn't feel right at that point, find a different therapist or call it a day.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Helping a sibling who's on the edge: Brentwood therapist Dr. Barge speaks out
Have you ever been scared or concerned for a sibling or family members well-being? Hear one such case where Dr. Joanne Barge gives advice to a scared older sibling.
Dear New Shrink,
My little brother is, and has been, a little monster. While growing up he was constantly acting out and causing problems for the family. But now, he's in real trouble. He has picked the worst friends and he has gotten himself arrested for not only DUI, but also felony possession of drugs. He could go to prison. I guess I should clarify that he is my little brother. I am seven years older but he is not so little anymore. He is over 6 feet tall and he turned 18 earlier this year. My family is so upset and none of us understand because we are a close, loving family and none of us have ever used drugs or been in trouble. We rarely drink alcohol; only to celebrate special occasions. There was no abuse, physically, verbally or emotionally, ever.
When my brother starting acting up in his teenage years, my parents took him to a psychologist for testing. He was not ADD; he has a pretty high IQ and no apparent learning disabilities. The psychologist did say that he seemed detached and to be lacking in empathy and we agreed that he wasn't quick to bond as a child.
My mother is blaming herself because she says she was not a good mom when my brother was first born. But we say that it's not her fault because she had bad post-partum depression. Once she was better, she did everything she could for him and all of us.
Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,Scared for my little brother
Dear Scared,
I am so sorry to hear of your family problems or actually, pain. This is a very painful situation and it is also a very serious one.
There are so many possibilities in terms of what may have caused this. Your brother may have some neurologic abnormalities but I am going to assume and hope that the psychologist your brother saw was a neuropsychologist, specializing in testing of this nature.
There is also the possibility that something traumatic happened to him that you do not know about. One out of six boys are sexually molested and it is so shameful for most that few ever come to their families or friends to ask for help.
The thing that grabs my attention is that he was not quick to bond as a child and that the psychologist found him to be detached and lacking in empathy. There are diagnoses for these behaviors or traits and combined with his recent behavior, some would say that he might have Conduct Disorder, a precursor to becoming a sociopath. This is very scary, to say the least. But what jumps out at me, and I think is worthy of serious consideration, goes back to your brother's early years when he was first born and your mother was seriously depressed. This definitely is not a matter of your mother being at fault or an indication of her being a bad mother. She should definitely forgive herself and get over taking the blame.
However, a lack of early bonding and attachment could be the culprit here. A lack of attachment, a disturbed attachment or the loss of an attachment has major consequences. The exception to this is if we are fortunate enough to have someone to help us process our grief as soon as possible.
Obviously, infants don't know, i.e., are not cognizant of what they are experiencing and cannot process it but they do feel it and remember it in their bodies and hearts. A lack of attachment can mean that they never learn to trust attachments and do not form bonds easily. They may bond with other "detached" folks and often use drugs to fill the void. This is not real or healthy attachment; it is only a false sense of family and a way to avoid the emptiness.
The good news is that scientific research regarding attachment has shown that it can literally be turned around with good psychotherapy. We now know if there is a good relationship with the therapist, your brother could actually form an attachment with the therapist and that this experience would be generalized to others, ending with a newfound ability to trust and form attachments. There is also neurobiological research that shows that the brain actually changes when attachments change. It is all contingent on staying in therapy and having a therapist that is empathic and attuned; one that you can actually form a healthy attachment with. If you can get your brother into this type of treatment, his entire life can change.
If you need more information on attachment, please do not hesitate to contact me. Good Luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Dear New Shrink,
My little brother is, and has been, a little monster. While growing up he was constantly acting out and causing problems for the family. But now, he's in real trouble. He has picked the worst friends and he has gotten himself arrested for not only DUI, but also felony possession of drugs. He could go to prison. I guess I should clarify that he is my little brother. I am seven years older but he is not so little anymore. He is over 6 feet tall and he turned 18 earlier this year. My family is so upset and none of us understand because we are a close, loving family and none of us have ever used drugs or been in trouble. We rarely drink alcohol; only to celebrate special occasions. There was no abuse, physically, verbally or emotionally, ever.
When my brother starting acting up in his teenage years, my parents took him to a psychologist for testing. He was not ADD; he has a pretty high IQ and no apparent learning disabilities. The psychologist did say that he seemed detached and to be lacking in empathy and we agreed that he wasn't quick to bond as a child.
My mother is blaming herself because she says she was not a good mom when my brother was first born. But we say that it's not her fault because she had bad post-partum depression. Once she was better, she did everything she could for him and all of us.
Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,Scared for my little brother
Dear Scared,
I am so sorry to hear of your family problems or actually, pain. This is a very painful situation and it is also a very serious one.
There are so many possibilities in terms of what may have caused this. Your brother may have some neurologic abnormalities but I am going to assume and hope that the psychologist your brother saw was a neuropsychologist, specializing in testing of this nature.
There is also the possibility that something traumatic happened to him that you do not know about. One out of six boys are sexually molested and it is so shameful for most that few ever come to their families or friends to ask for help.
The thing that grabs my attention is that he was not quick to bond as a child and that the psychologist found him to be detached and lacking in empathy. There are diagnoses for these behaviors or traits and combined with his recent behavior, some would say that he might have Conduct Disorder, a precursor to becoming a sociopath. This is very scary, to say the least. But what jumps out at me, and I think is worthy of serious consideration, goes back to your brother's early years when he was first born and your mother was seriously depressed. This definitely is not a matter of your mother being at fault or an indication of her being a bad mother. She should definitely forgive herself and get over taking the blame.
However, a lack of early bonding and attachment could be the culprit here. A lack of attachment, a disturbed attachment or the loss of an attachment has major consequences. The exception to this is if we are fortunate enough to have someone to help us process our grief as soon as possible.
Obviously, infants don't know, i.e., are not cognizant of what they are experiencing and cannot process it but they do feel it and remember it in their bodies and hearts. A lack of attachment can mean that they never learn to trust attachments and do not form bonds easily. They may bond with other "detached" folks and often use drugs to fill the void. This is not real or healthy attachment; it is only a false sense of family and a way to avoid the emptiness.
The good news is that scientific research regarding attachment has shown that it can literally be turned around with good psychotherapy. We now know if there is a good relationship with the therapist, your brother could actually form an attachment with the therapist and that this experience would be generalized to others, ending with a newfound ability to trust and form attachments. There is also neurobiological research that shows that the brain actually changes when attachments change. It is all contingent on staying in therapy and having a therapist that is empathic and attuned; one that you can actually form a healthy attachment with. If you can get your brother into this type of treatment, his entire life can change.
If you need more information on attachment, please do not hesitate to contact me. Good Luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
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