Lack of work causing problems at home

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press under the Life Matters Column on December 13, 2012.
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My wife works six days a week and I only work one or two. I’m trying to find a more steady gig, but in this economy I can’t seem to get work. This has put a strain on our relationship.
What should I do to make our relationship better? I don’t want her to be so angry with me? There is real tension in our relationship and things seem to be souring fast.
Signed,
Under-employed

Dear Under-employed,
It is no secret that employment can be difficult to come by for many people in this terrible economy. California has been particularly hard hit, but the good news is that the economy does seem to be improving. In the meantime there are all kinds of variations on this theme amongst couples.
Traditionally it has been the man that works more outside of the home and the wife who works less or stays at home to raise the children. This has been changing for some time and most couples find that two incomes are required and these days often the wife works more or is the only one working.
However, this really is not news so I am wondering why she is so angry with you?
Does she feel that you have not tried hard enough to get work and if so, is she correct? Do you have children and if so, who does the majority of the childcare and household chores?
If you are one of those men who feels like it is not manly, somehow a threat to your manhood to do what has typically been “women’s work,” this could be a major problem.
As we end 2012 and enter 2013, it is quite realistic to think of househusbands and/or men helping with the grocery shopping, household chores and work that is related to the children. Cooking dinner, or being responsible for it, if she is the one working three times as much as you, is definitely something you should be doing or considering. Doing the grocery shopping on those days when you don’t work and helping with bathing the children, getting them to bed, driving them to school, helping with their homework are all things that men tend to share and do these days.
In the eyes of most women, it makes you more of a man, not less of one when you step up to help out and are not locked into some traditional role that says you are not masculine if you do what you think of as women’s work. It is the insecurity in a man of his own masculinity/manhood that actually makes him less of a man and often unattractive to today’s modern woman.
Having said this, it may be truer here than in other parts of the country because there are surprising differences in how people think and feel in different parts of our country.
I am assuming you are in Los Angeles and what I am saying here is certainly true for most folks both here and in other major metropolitan cities across the country. However, if you are from another part of the country or both you and your wife are from different backgrounds and have different expectations about your marital roles, then this is surely part of the problem.
Again, I am very curious about why she is so angry with you. It cannot be for no good reason. You must have very different expectations and it sounds like you are not able to really talk these through.
Many couples these days find themselves in financial and employment situations that are not ideal, but they are able to recognize the economic climate and because they love each other and talk it through, they come to some type of understanding that serves them for the time being.
You really need to ask yourself why she is so angry with you. What can or should you be doing differently? Are you trying hard enough to get work? Do you care that she works more than you do? If you care and can’t get equal work, are you doing enough to help with work around the house?
Are you doing what you can to be empathic and helpful to your wife or are you in some kind of standoff or power struggle?
Don’t let pride get in your way. If you truly want to have your wife be less angry, try to understand what is going on and talk with her. Apologize if you need to and ask her what you can do to help things be better between you.
And I certainly wish you more work, if you want it. Hopefully better days are ahead for all of us.

Fiancée not 420 friendly

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 29, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend, who I have actually asked to marry me. I want to spend my life with her but she is adamant that I no longer smoke pot or she will not marry me. I guess our engagement is on hold.
I need pot for stress and back pain. I do not feel I should just give in and allow her to control me and I really feel I need to have my pot, at least occasionally. But I do not want to lose her either.
Please help with any suggestions you may have. I am really in a contrary position.
Signed,
Contrary

Dear Contrary,
I have to say what I will probably end up repeating, and that is healthy and happy relationships require “room for two!” If you are truly in love with each other you will have to come to some sort of compromise. Being able to understand the other and reasons that they may feel the way that they do is critical to a good relationship or marriage.
Empathy and aggression, or in this case anger (aggressive feelings), are inversely related. As one goes up the other goes down. Let me be clear though, that empathy is not sympathy. Many people think that it is one and the same. It often leads to sympathy and compassion, but it is not one in the same. Empathy is the ability to be truly attuned to the other, to vicariously share in their subjective experience. In other words, you need to really be able to put yourself in each other’s shoes.
So before you dig your heels in, try to find out and understand why she is feeling the way that she is. Also, maybe you need to think about why pot is so important to you or is it just that you don’t want to be told what to do?
In terms of pot, there truly are other ways to get stress release and also to manage back pain. Is this really the issue or do you just like getting high?
Strive to be honest with yourself and then try talking with your girlfriend.
Also, it sounds like you may smoke frequently if not daily.
To put it in perspective and to understand some possible reasons she may feel the way that she does, please understand that pot does put you in a different state of consciousness and if she does not smoke as well, then she may not feel the same connection with you that she would like to feel. That is actually a compliment to you.
Smoking pot is also a carcinogen; perhaps she does not want you to get cancer.
Also, if you have children, the secondhand smoke can and would affect them.
Finally, she may see something that pot is doing to you that you cannot see in yourself.
Now, on the other hand, I would guess you have been together for awhile if you have asked her to marry you. Isn’t this something she has known about you or did she just discover it?
If she has known all along then I would wonder about her co-dependency and whether she has had an agenda to change you.
Obviously, you do need to talk about this dilemma you are having.
I am a big believer in premarital counseling, which can be obtained with just the two of you, or in a group setting with other couples considering marriage.
It really does help you to be clear about each others’ expectations and fantasies about what the marriage will be.
Marriage can be difficult and we have seen many deciding not to marry and of those who do, about half end in divorce.
It really sounds like you need this kind of help and I hope she would agree to it, before you get married.
If you give up smoking pot just because she demands it, you will probably resent her. Not a good place to start in a marriage.
As I said in the beginning, there needs to be room for two. There has to be room for both of you and communication and compromise is critical.
It really sounds like you are at a standoff and that is not indicative of love.
I would recommend that you have her read this or that you go to her and tell her that you love her and want to work this out but probably need a little help to do it.
The help is confidential, supportive and kind. Hopefully, you can resolve this. Good luck!

Compromising career, family for fling

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 15, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
Everyone is talking about it and I simply do not understand how CIA director Gen. David Petraeus could end up having an affair when he has been married for 38 years. As a married person, this really worries me. Can you offer any insights?
Signed,
Concerned Married person

Dear Concerned,
A long-term and happy marriage is a wonderful thing. In this case they have had children together, creating a hopefully happy family. It is definitely a hard thing to give up and one that is not easily compromised.
By all accounts, the two military people who had the affair were both married with children. So as the story goes, Gen. Petraeus had a lot in common with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. She had served in the military, rising to the rank of major in the Army Reserve. They were both very active and physically fit. Word has it that they started their initial interviews while running together.
From what I can tell, albeit from a distance, his testosterone was still working for him and I think most people would agree that she, whether you like her right now or not, is a very attractive woman.
Having a lot in common and lots of shared stories and experiences helps to create a close friendship. In marriage, you may still have a lot in common — your children, family, and a history — but a new person who shares many of your current experiences and seems to really understand you is very powerful.
Let us not forget that Broadwell was spending a lot of time with the general in order to write his biography. This means so much more than just time together, although what I have already said is enough to spark the interest, but not necessarily enough for any compromising action.
It’s important to realize that we all have a deep need to be understood and to be known for who we really are. As a biographer, the questions asked and information shared would only get more and more intimate over time. As the trust and closeness builds, more is revealed. This feeling of connection can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
When you really understand the profound feeling of being understood and appreciated by someone who seems to really know you, someone that you also have a lot in common with and you may also find physically attractive, the chemistry created is extremely powerful.
It seems like what happened is more of a falling into an affair that is already practically happening vs. a decision to have an affair. These conditions are powerful and all of us can be vulnerable to them.
I think the operative word “decision” should have come into the picture before it got so far along. When the fire was stirring, one or both of them should have stepped back. A good way to step back is to talk about the feelings that are evolving and bring the rational mind into the picture. Do we really want to take this further? Are we willing to take the chance of what it could mean?
This seems to be why everyone expected so much more from someone who has been as heroic in so many ways as has Gen. Petraeus. If not him, the master of strategy, then who can use their decision-making powers?   Then again, perhaps he was simply tired of always making the right decisions. Maybe it was just that chemistry that got the best of him.
In your marriage, it is really important to keep your interest in each other alive and well. It means date nights and special time together on a regular basis. Often as marriages progress, we just take the love for granted and we focus more on the children, overall family, what needs to get done and our future plans. It is not unusual that we forget to think about and make sure we are truly in sync with our partners.
I am not saying that this was the case with either of the two because I don’t know them, but I do know that if you are current and real with your partner and you feel that deep connection on a regular basis, it is far less likely that you would continue down a path that might just undo your marital relationship.
If you are feeling neglected, resentful or angry about anything, find a way to talk with your partner; be real. And keep your eyes and ears open; don’t assume anything when there is an unusual situation occurring.
Stay clear, current and close.

How do I get over myself?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 1, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
I read your column about teaching kids to have self-efficacy. I think I suffer from the lack of self-efficacy, but I don’t have self-esteem issues. I am a self-employed hairstylist who is struggling because I don’t like to approach people about my services. I am outgoing and a lot of fun and my friends tell me that I have everything it takes to be a huge success in whatever I decide to do in life — looks, brains, business savvy — but I can’t get going. I am afraid that people will turn me down and not like me and I know that it’s in my head. Question: How do I get over myself? Am I in my own way?
Signed,
Need to Get Over Myself


Dear Need to Get Over Myself,
I think you are being a tad hard on yourself. You actually describe a number of nice attributes and you say that your friends seem quite complimentary of you. So I suggest that you calm down and let’s rethink this.
The issue here actually does not sound like a problem with self-efficacy.
Perhaps I did not explain it well enough in my first article that you read, but at the same time it actually is a complicated concept that is based on considerable research, one that is difficult to truly explain in a brief column like this.
Simply put, self-efficacy is about a sense of self, a belief about oneself. It is a knowing that you can be effective at something or that you are effective as a person. You say that you are effective in your skills as a hairdresser and you know it. Your friendship skills seem adequate. And you sound like you do believe in yourself. If I read you right, you believe that you would be very competent and successful if the customers would just come.
The issue you raise about creating a clientele is a marketing issue. Some people are good at selling themselves, others are not, and so I see where your question comes from. However, most people would find it difficult to go up to a stranger and say let me cut your hair because I am terrific at it.
And it is probably all the more so here in Los Angeles where either our bodies or our hair is so important.
You need a marketing strategy and if you can’t sell yourself somehow, then you probably need to get some marketing help. Once you are up and running, word of mouth will take over. But you have to first make yourself visible.
The Issue you raised really seems to be more about a fear of rejection. What really captured my attention was your statement that you are afraid people will turn you down and not like you, but you know that it is all in your head.
First off, what is in your head is everything. “As a man thinketh, so he is!”  If we think it, we feel it and we generally behave accordingly. To say it is just in my head is really something you need to take a second look at.
Realizing that this fear you have may just be in your head, but because it is in your head you obviously believe it and you are behaving as if it is true, is the first step.
The belief seems to be that you will be rejected if you try to sell yourself or reach out. If I were you I would ask myself who in your past has put you down or rejected you in this way.
We are not born with these types of feelings and beliefs. We learn them as we go along in life, so something or someone contributed to this fear you have.
It is amazing how just one or two people can cause us to believe things about ourselves. However, if we are young and developmentally impressionable or if they are fairly important people to us, the beliefs will take hold.
I suggest that you think about this seriously and ask yourself if you really want to allow whatever situations or people to continue to have this effect on you.  If not, you can begin testing your belief; there is a very good chance that it is a false one. Test it a little bit at a time, but if you find that you can’t get over it, that it just goes too deep or is just too scary to do on your own, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck and thank you for your question and for reading Life Matters.

Teaching kids to have self-efficacy

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 17, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink
I met you at the Taste of Abbot Kinney food event. As I told you, I was there because of the food. I had no idea what the charity was about and even though you tried to explain it to me, I am still confused about what self-efficacy is. I really thought it was the same thing as self-esteem and would appreciate it if you would explain it.
Thanks,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I appreciate your question because I imagine many people do not know the difference. The event supported Inside Out Community Arts, an organization that has won numerous awards, including national ones for their excellent curriculum.
When I was a doctoral student I learned about the importance of the arts to enhance learning. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Dr. James Catterall, a member of my doctoral committee at UCLA, had done research on the results of the educational programs at Inside Out.
If you look into their curriculum, you will see that they have a number of after-school programs and a weekend program where students camp in the Santa Monica Mountains and write a play together.
More importantly, Dr. Catterall’s results show that the students learn how to work together, how to be team members, how to deal with interpersonal differences, problem solving skills and how to cooperate and make friendships. They also learn how to express feelings and use their imagination and to develop metacognition, which basically means to be reflective, which helps us learn, think, come up with new ideas and think before we act.
All of these things are important and certainly lacking in many young people today through no fault of their own. We need a lot more of this type of help for kids and we need to have the arts put back into school curriculums. Santa Monica is lucky to still have it and for those of us who had it understand how lucky we were.
Don Novak, one of the owners of Hal’s restaurant who helped fund the event, told me that as a businessman, joining Hal in the restaurant 25 years ago definitely increased his ability to deal with interpersonal differences and increased his sense of cooperation and sensitivity. Joining others in artistic adventures can be incredibly fruitful and rewarding.
Now you specifically asked about self-efficacy and I deliberately left it for last.
It is not self-esteem, but it could be considered similar.
Self-esteem is the worth we place on ourselves. It is also called self-worth.
We are not born with it, we develop it after we develop our sense of self and it is directly related to how we see, think or feel others are seeing and reacting to us. If those around us think we are truly special, we usually will come to believe it. Unfortunately the reverse is also true. I have seen many people who really do not think they are worth much because they were treated as if they weren’t.
But things can also happen along the way to change our self-esteem. Really bad situations, like repeated sexual assaults, being bullied, or having a parent divorce or die and then a stepparent, makes us feel bad about ourselves. The list is endless but self-esteem is fundamentally based on deeply rooted beliefs that we hold about ourselves. The good news is that they can be changed with work in psychotherapy, if need be.
Self-efficacy is related, but it is not the same. Self-efficacy is the belief in ourselves that makes us feel effective. It’s a feeling that we can do it if we try. Some people who like themselves and have self-worth can be greatly lacking in the feeling or belief that they can be effective in general or at something specific.
An example might be a woman who knows she is beautiful and worth more than she has but feels helpless to make something different for herself. Another might be the guy who is great at sports and popular with the girls but cannot imagine getting through college; doesn’t believe he can do it.
So you can see that it certainly is a branch of that same tree of self-esteem but it is really about how effective we believe we are or can be. What are we capable of, what can we accomplish or contribute to this world?
In this economy, many unemployed people have given up and are losing their self-efficacy. Students without a decent education can be in the same boat. And it is a boat called hopeless.
We all need self-efficacy to help us try and to accomplish and then, to keep or build self-esteem.
Inside Out is doing a great job at building self-efficacy and we really need more programs like it.
Hope I answered your question and I hope you have self-efficacy.

Helping kids get a complete education

Helping kids get a complete education
 Author: JoAnne Barge
 Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press in the News section on October 12, 2012.
 www.smdp.com

LINCOLN BLVD — Excited to have one of our own hosting the VIP reception at this Sunday’s Taste of Abbot Kinney culinary event and fundraiser, I was delighted to interview Adam Gertler.
Gertler is a Food Network star, hosting the primetime series “Kid in a Candy Store.” He’s a talented chef and equally gifted television personality.
His preference is barbecue and smoking meats. At his bar and restaurant on Lincoln Boulevard —TRiP — he does specialty sausages. The spot just south of Pico Boulevard also features great beers and live music.
I asked Gertler about his involvement with Taste of Abbot Kinney and he said that he is hosting it for the second year because of its support for Inside Out Community Arts. Inside Out teaches the arts to underserved youth in the Venice area and beyond, providing award-winning, high quality after-school programs that teach youth to believe in the power of their own inner voices, hopes and dreams.
Gertler used to teach acting to kids himself when he had more time and plans to return to it. He himself was acting by the fourth grade and has always been a lover of the performing arts. He holds a bachelor’s in fine arts from Syracuse University. Although he came to Los Angeles to be an actor, he found himself sidetracked with his cooking and after being discovered on the Food Network, he found the perfect way to integrate the two.
He was never scholastic and tended to daydream; acting helped him to find himself so he feels strongly about helping kids who don’t have the same opportunities that he had.
As most of you know, the arts have been stripped away at many school, which makes organizations like Inside Out so important and necessary.
I couldn’t help but ask Gertler about his 20-year plus collection of comic books. He said that they “keep my imagination alive” and that for him, he got what others get from religion. He always identified with the good guys, the heroes, never the bad guys.
I plan to help Gertler in this event and the others who support Inside Out and anything that helps kids get exposure to the arts. I hope that you will too. Research has repeatedly proven that it enhances learning and helps to develop character.
So head on down to Abbot Kinney this Sunday and sample of the finest foods local restaurants have to offer, and help educate kids in the process.
For more information, visit http://www.insideoutca.org/ or http://www.tasteofabbotkinney.org.
If you go
TRiP
2101 Lincoln Blvd.
Santa Monica, Calif.
90405
(310) 396-9010
http://www.tripsantamonica.com

Coming Clean on HCV

Originally appeared in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 4, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
The woman I am engaged to was just told by her doctor that she has hepatitis C (HCV). We are both confused and scared. We don’t know what it means or if it is the same or similar to HIV?
Do you know anything about this? Even if you don’t know much about it, can you help us deal with what this means for our lives and how to handle our feelings and the tension we now both feel?
We started to look it up online and really got scared so we are hoping you can shed some light. We often read your column and are hoping you will pick our question.
Signed,
Very Troubled

Dear Very Troubled,
I actually do know something about this because I am certified in the treatment of substance abuse, but also licensed psychologists have to be somewhat on top of these types of things because they affect mental health.
Obviously, a diagnosis such as this can be deeply troubling and cause concern and tension in your relationship if you don’t know what it means or perhaps more importantly, how she got it.
First off, please do not go searching the Internet. While it does have good information, it is also full of misinformation and horror stories that most often are not true.
The best place to get your information is through the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or the National Institute of Health. But better yet, see a good physician that specializes in this.
Hepatitis C is actually affecting more people worldwide than HIV. Approximately 3.2 million people are chronically infected, according to the CDC.
HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS. While there is still a significant problem with HIV in the age group of 18-24, and more so among minorities that are not educated on the subject, it is not as widespread as HCV that does not lead to AIDS. It is a different virus altogether, one that only affects the liver, but can be deadly.
The frightening reality is that many people have been infected with the hepatitis C virus and don’t even know it. Unless you are tested for it or get really sick, you may not know until it becomes a real problem. That is because there are no symptoms until you actually get sick from it.
However, the virus does not make everyone sick. Many never get sick, but of those that do, it is frequently a function of their own unhealthy behavior.
Anything that is damaging to the liver, such as alcohol or drug abuse, increases the odds of getting sick from the virus if you have it. Even marijuana use, which most people think is benign, builds up fat cells in the liver, which helps carry and perpetuate the virus.
You should definitely check your health behaviors and do what is best to keep the virus from multiplying.
Also, this is not a death sentence. Even for those who are seriously ill, there are many good treatments. You don’t necessarily need treatment, but if caught early, you can rid yourself of the virus altogether.
Even better, there are newer drugs with fewer side effects coming on the market late this year or early in 2013.
So now, you are worrying about how did she get it and what does this mean for your relationship? I don’t know your age and don’t want to assume, so I will just give you the history and basics.
It was and still can be transferred through blood transfusions. However, the United States some 20 years ago started provisions to protect against this form of contagion.
You can only get HCV through blood-to-blood contact so sexual transmission is possible, but not likely. Some folks prefer safe sex to avoid the possibility. You are actually more likely to get it through a shared razor or toothbrush or from unsanitary manicure or tattoo equipment. Always use your own manicure equipment and if you want a tattoo, be very careful about the artist you choose.
Having said that, the most likely way of contacting HCV is through drug use. Shared needles or shared straws from bloody noses are a major cause of transmission.
Some people simply do not know and may never know how they got it.
You and your fiancée know if any of these apply and this can help you figure out the how of it. But going forward, be careful with the things I have mentioned above. And see a specialist as soon as possible.
Unfortunately it can be transferred to a fetus so it may compromise having children. But before you go there, see if it is early enough to eradicate with the treatments that are out there or coming soon.
I know it is not good news, but it doesn’t have to be the worst news in the world either.

Our daughter is gay, what do we do?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press September 20, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
Our daughter just came to us and told us that she is a lesbian. Then she brought a girl by with piercings and pink streaks in her hair.
Needless to say, we are horrified. She was always a lovely girl that dated boys and the boys liked her, back when she was in high school. But since going off to college she has decided that she wants to go gay.
We are hoping that it is just a phase, but my husband and I are actually more worried that something really sexually traumatic may have happened to her that we never knew about.
My husband is her stepfather, for a long time now, and a very good father figure that she adores. Her biological father is a sex addict and I divorced him years ago when I caught him cheating, over and over again.
I am worried that she may have seen inappropriate things or maybe that he even did something to her that has made her gay. She says it is nothing like that and that she is happy. We don’t really believe her and we are definitely not happy with her decision at all. We wanted grandchildren and to see her happily married. I have even imagined the big beautiful wedding we would have given her one day.
What do you recommend we do? How can we help her?
Signed,
Distraught

Dear Distraught,
I am sorry that you are feeling so worried and “horrified.” I can imagine that it is difficult for you, especially because you have held such an image and what now looks like a fantasy for your daughter.
I understand that she is your little girl and you are worried that something may have gone wrong. It is not unreasonable to think these things and your questions about your prior spouse are not out of line. No one knows for sure what causes homosexuality. Many feel that they were born this way. Yet there are traumatic histories with many gay people. Having said that, there are also many heterosexual people with trauma histories.
Women do seem to be more bi-sexual than men, so it may be temporary, but I would not refer to it as a phase.
I don’t believe we can make ourselves attracted to anyone whether we are heterosexual or homosexual. It just seems to happen or it doesn’t! We can’t make ourselves fall in love with someone and sometimes we meet the most attractive people, but don’t feel chemistry with them at all. If we are honest, our real feelings and attractions just cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn’t and often defies reason.
Research and anecdotal data are convincing that people do not choose a sexual preference. We cannot decide to be gay; it won’t work out if we are not really feeling it. And we cannot decide to not be gay either. Those who have tried this have suffered for years and often have caused great pain for others that they were involved with in their own self-deception.
The best thing that you can do for yourselves and for your daughter is to learn more about homosexuality. There are many self-help groups and you can find information online. You might also want to seek counseling to help you process your feelings and come to terms with whoever and whatever your daughter may be.
I doubt that she wants to hurt you. She just is what she is. It is not a choice.
If you care about her as much as you seem to do, love her for who she is. Trying to change her, telling her something is wrong with her or rejecting her would be the worst thing you can do.
If you don’t know by now, many young people who have come out to their parents and then are rejected have been so devastated that they committed suicide.
I am sorry that you most likely have to give up your dreams as you have known them. But remember that they may not be her dreams and what will follow will be happier for everyone.
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we do not know what is best for someone else, especially a child, but in this case, it is better to accept what is than to fight it. Go with the flow. We are usually happier when we do this.

Should I Stay with the Chaos & Drama or Let It Go?

Dear New Shrink,
I feel desperate for some help. My relationship is in constant chaos. I find myself coming into it and then wanting to back off or simply quit it. My partner is a very moody person and it feels like I am constantly being tested. I love her and when things are good, I feel very close to her, but she always seems to want to pick fights with me. I don’t think she is very happy, but she doesn’t think she needs help and if I suggest that perhaps she would benefit from counseling or medication, she becomes enraged.
I do think that she is depressed because she is very negative, frequently cries for no apparent reason and she suffers from insomnia. I am just not sure what to do about it. Unfortunately, I am close to ending the relationship. We have been together for several years, but the past few months I feel on the verge of walking away more often than not.
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that things are so bad for you and it sounds like for her too. Clearly there are feelings of helplessness and none of us like feeling this way.
Depression is a serious problem and if it’s significant enough causes very real suffering for the afflicted person and for those that are close to them. The symptoms you describe are some of the symptoms of depression. Problem falling asleep, lack of appetite and sex drive, low energy levels, moody and negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide are the indicators for serious depression. Some depressed people become slow and lethargic, while others can become quite agitated and irritable. I obviously cannot diagnose your girlfriend, but if she is depressed she may be pulling you down with her and if she won’t get help then you are not only feeling helpless, you are helpless.
Sometimes the best first step is to accept our helplessness and, in doing so, begin looking for better ways to take care of ourselves. This may seem like giving up, but actually if we are truly powerless over a situation such as this, it is actually an act of courage and strength. It means that you are facing reality and from doing this you become more responsible to yourself and actually get some of your strength back. You will become much more objective in terms of what to do and, more importantly, you will not be pulled down with her.
If you want to still think of her, and not feel as if you are being selfish, then seriously consider what good you will be not only to yourself, but also to her and your relationship if you go down with her. I will tell you if you don’t already know, you will be useless to her and the relationship and obviously no good to yourself if you do not do this.
Accepting your powerlessness, in situations where you are truly helpless and cannot fix the problem by yourself, is not only a big step, it is the best first step you can take. From doing this, you will begin to get your strength and objectivity back, as I already mentioned. I realize that this seems ironic, but it really does put you in a far better place for knowing what to do.
It seems strange that doing what feels so selfish or like giving up is really taking on responsibility for the situation the way it really is. I can promise you that albeit hard to do, this letting go will lead you to your answer.
Also, there is no telling what you may have been doing to perpetuate the problem. Often referred to as co-dependency, when we cooperate with another in unhealthy ways in order to preserve or maintain the relationship, it is actually the worst thing for it and for us.
Backing off allows her to begin to see what is going on with her and what she may need to do. If you are trying to reason with her or if you end up fighting with her, there is no chance of either one of you seeing things clearly because you are really just distracting yourselves. And it is a distraction that keeps you in the chaos and drama of your unhealthy relationship. It is no good for either of you.
Simple, but not easy, work at letting go of this drama and start focusing on taking care of yourself. Step back and the answers will come to you. Do yourself and her the favor of allowing some space, quiet and light to come into your otherwise chaotic relationship.

What to Make of Infidelity

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press

www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

I am feeling really confused and emotionally torn. My husband had an affair while I was near the end of my pregnancy and it has been very difficult if not impossible for me to get over.

We have a beautiful child together and are great co-parents. The problem is that I, after a couple of years of being too angry to know or feel anything, find myself attracted to him and actually feeling like I am still in love with him.

He claims that he has always loved me and still does. He doesn’t really have a good explanation for his infidelity. He says he is unsure why he did this but tires to blame it on the lack of sex life that we had during the last trimester of our pregnancy. He also says that I seemed more interested in our baby than I did in him.

We are not currently living together but he really wants me to forgive him and live with him again. He swears that he is sorry and will never do it again.

I wish I could believe him but I just don’t know what to do.

Why does this happen? Is there really a chance of my getting completely over this and do you really think he has or can change?

Signed,

Want to Believe

Dear Want to Believe,

It is difficult to know where to start. This problem is so pervasive.

As you probably know there are countries that punish it by death (to the women) or attempt to prevent it with circumcision.  But here in the United States we tend to view it more like a nuance, which unless it happens to us, it is far more than a nuance.  It feels like a deep betrayal to most people who are in committed relationships or a marriage. Jealousy is very common, it fact it usually prevails.

Jealousy is not just anger and suspicion; it actually is much more about our feelings of being in an insecure attachment.  And of course we will feel insecurely attached if our committed partner has had a relationship of whatever sort, with someone else.

Unfortunately I have no way to say whether your husband would ever do this again; I cannot guarantee anything.  There are countless stories of both men and women promising never ever, never again. Some are still doing it and others mean it but end up cheating again.

However, if he really loves you, this does count for something. We all need our attachments and attachment is a driving force, an instinct just like or as much as sex is.

While infidelity is definitely on the rise and very high according to statistical data, we need to recognize that there are often factors in the relationship that contribute to it.

In your case, you say you were in your last trimester of pregnancy and if you didn’t feel sexual, there is a good chance that he did not feel it with you. The birth of the first child is often the beginning of marital problems for a myriad of reasons. In this case, let’s start with the real possibility that he began to see you more as a mother than as a sexual partner.

You add to it this that he felt you were more interested in the baby than in him, then he must have had hurt feelings and resentment, which is bad for any relationship.

Unfortunately, you two did not recognize or talk about it because perhaps you could have worked it out. So many couples have these exact problems.

Another situation that is very common is what we think of as the mid-life crisis when the kids are gone and both of you are looking for new identities or how you fit in this world. This can bring with it new ideas and thoughts about your relationship. Also, if you have devoted yourselves to being parents and somehow forgotten about your relationship along the way, you will find yourselves strangers and the probability of going your separate ways in high.

Infidelity rates are quite high in the US with estimates being anywhere from 1/3 to 2/3 of all relationships engaging in it at some point although most of it is never discovered.

Men tend to cheat more than women and they say that it is almost always about sex whereas women tend to engage in outside relations for love and connection. In fact, women do not always take it to a physical level.  Having said that, biological research indicates that monogamy is a difficult task for most all humans.

Clearly, the best hope is to pay attention to our relationships, take good care of them, be empathic to our partners and communicate.

The secret of staying in love is honest communication.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage & family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her @ www.drbarge.com or email your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters.

Friends with benefits may not be beneficial

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 2, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
I'm a 19-year-old girl of East Indian and African decent. I had a daughter recently and her dad, also 19 and of East Indian descent, got deported before I even found out I was pregnant. He asked me to come to his country and marry him, but I have to wait a few months. We have also been on and off due to his infidelity.
Meanwhile this other guy and I started getting close. The man I was supposed to marry had a girlfriend who called me: he said he would explain but went M.I.A. for six weeks.
During this time my guy friend started coming over more and more. He knows that I like him and I was starting to get over my child's father. He liked me too but he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship so we just remained friends. Then we started becoming friends with benefits. We started and it was amazing, but he refused to kiss me.
Then one day I acted strange because I realized my emotions were getting out of control. He was really concerned about me and kept asking me what was on my mind. I should have told him that it felt really bad to me, but instead I acted like a total jerk and then told him we should call off our arrangement. He seemed totally cool with it. We talked a couple of times after that and then he cut me off! He told me how I made him feel really bad that day and he is now saying he doesn't want to be friends anymore.
My guy friends say that it looks like he started getting feelings for me and decided to bolt. He is not the type of guy to just cut me off because he got what he wanted; I'm the second girl he ever had sex with.
But why not be friends? He keeps acting as if I offended him and keeps saying he should just disappear. I'm really torn up about this. I need advice. Please help me understand why he is behaving this way and what I can do to get us back to being friends.
Signed,
Torn up

Dear Torn up,
I understand why you are feeling bad. Your situation is confusing and you obviously became attached to your "friend with benefits."
I am not so sure this is an idea that really works so well. Open marriages end, for the most part, in divorce or in need of serious counseling. Very few pulled that off.
Friends are perhaps a little less emotionally involved, at least in the beginning, but sex is a very intimate act. There are multiple reasons why this might be true, but generally speaking women get attached when they have sex. Some men do too but they can have sex much more freely without feeling an attachment.
Your friend may have been avoiding feelings by not kissing you or it may be an indication that he never had them. It may have been strictly sex for him.
From your description, it does sound like he is sensitive and if he says you upset him and made him feel like he should disappear, then he must have gotten hurt. If you can trust your other guy friends to tell you the truth, then the messages he sent must have said quite a lot for them to conclude that he was developing feelings and bolted when he got too close or got hurt.
However, don't forget that there is also the pending husband that might make him keep his distance. Perhaps he cannot be just friends? Once you have been intimate, it's difficult to go back.
It really sounds to me like you need to get yourself straightened out a bit. What is it that you really want? What does sex mean to you? Are you being cautious enough with both yourself and sex? You already are a single mother at 19; not an easy task. I can't help but wonder if you were having safe sex?
There are so many sexually transmitted diseases out there now and also, there has been a 200 percent increase in new HIV cases for your age group in the U.S.
I really recommend that you think seriously about who you are and what you want. When you are clear about this, then perhaps you can approach your guy friend again if he is still someone you want to be with. He may also trust an involvement with you more at this point.
Good luck. Hope this helps.

When best friends date

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press in Life Matters Column on July 12, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I have two very close friends. I used to have strong feelings for one of them and now they have started dating each other. I don't want to withdraw from the friendship but I feel jealous and uncomfortable when I spend time with them.
Will these feelings go away if I spend more time with them or should I just tell them that I need to spend less time with them?
Thanks,
Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,
This does indeed sound very uncomfortable. I don't know that there is any hard and fast rule on this.
You say that these are two very close friends so I would like to start there with how close they really are. Many people use the term friend to refer to anyone that they have socialized with or have just been affiliated with through work or a community that they share.
I tend toward conceptualizing "friends" into three circles. The first inner circle would consist of maybe three to five people depending on your age and your marital status. I say marital status because our partners usually become one of our best friends and if we have a family, which will take a lot of time and energy, we have less of it to go around. Truly close friends are those you can really be yourself with, share openly with and you know that they have your back. These friends that I call your inner circle require a lot of attention. We must keep them alive and well and most of us can only maintain a few at a time.
The second circle can be much larger because it consists of people we like and do things with on a regular basis but we do not have the same degree of closeness and do not share so intimately with them. Often friends move from the inner circle to the second or vice versa.
Then there is the third or outer circle, which consists of people we socialize with and enjoy, but do not necessarily open up with as much. These are the people we might invite to a birthday party or that we enjoy catching up with when we run into them or get together occasionally, but they are not our best friends.
Now using my conceptualization as a framework, where would you place these two friends? If they are in your inner circle you might just want to explain your feelings to them and then see how it feels. If it's still uncomfortable, you might just have to move them to the second circle where you feel more at ease.
You might also want to consider moving them to a different circle until you resolve this. By resolve, I mean processing your feelings with either a friend from your inner circle who doesn't have an opinion on the issue or talking with a completely neutral third party.
I am also wondering, as a psychologist, how deep do these feelings go and how long have you had them? Did you ever actually have a relationship with this friend or is it that you have these feelings on your own? If you had a relationship, however long or short, then it should be much easier to talk to them. Actually it's probably already a question in the back of their minds.
But if it is the latter, perhaps you should ask yourself if you tend to be attracted to people who are unavailable or if this person maybe reminds you of someone else who has been important in your life. Not in every way but in their essence and in the way that they make you feel. If the answer is yes, then you probably have unresolved issues with the person(s) you are reminded of.
You say "used to have" strong feelings, but I wonder if it is truly past tense? I mean if it is truly in the past, why are you jealous now? Unless it's your ego or insecurity in that you didn't get what you wanted and someone else did.
I have more questions than answers, but I hope that they will lead you to finding some of your own answers. Really asking these questions seriously and mindfully reflecting on your answers should give you a big head start.
By the way, if you do decide to hang out with them more instead backing off, pay close attention to what feelings you have when you are around them and then answer these questions again.
The truth does tend to come to those who seek it and it can set us free. Listen carefully to what you already know.

Are my relationships with the opposite sex doomed?

Originally Posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 28, 2012
www.smdp.com


Dear New Shrink,
I am really worried that I will not be able to have a normal or healthy relationship with a guy. I already notice that I am either completely detached, especially if I start to feel something, or even worse, I am especially attracted to bad boys that do not treat me well.
My parents had a very bad marriage and my father did not treat my mother well at all. I have no respect for my mother for having put up with this and I have very mixed feelings about my dad. I honestly do not respect him either and sometimes really do not like him, but he has always been sort of good to me and he provided our family with a nice lifestyle.
I sometimes feel like I have no right to complain because some people have it much worse and in many ways I am privileged. But on the other hand, my emotional life growing up was not a privilege at all. And I am really beginning to see the damage it did. I do not trust men, do not expect relationships to work and see little point in even trying to have one.
Yet some part of me knows that I might be wrong; that maybe it is just due to my family experience.
Can you shed some light on this subject?
Signed,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,
First of all, I do not believe that you are "doomed" to have no relationship at all or just bad ones. In my view, the only doomed people are those who refuse to look at themselves. Some people just do not pay attention, never reflect on anything and they also tend to view everything in their lives as coming from outside.
This is not to say that some situations or conditions that we have little to no control over can and do occur. Your family situation is one of them. But what you decide to do with it is something you can control. The good news here is that you are already asking the question and this is a question you should take seriously.
You do not have to follow in your parents' footsteps. They provided you, as all families do, a profoundly influential model of relationships. It is difficult to change this idea within yourself, but you can do it. Start by looking around, outside of yourself and your family and notice that there are relationships that are working. Look for healthy relationships where the love and attachment is strong and try to realize that this is a real possibility.
Of course there are many bad examples these days, along with a high divorce rate, but look for the ones that are healthy and pay attention to what they do differently.
I believe that a big part of the reason for high divorce rates and relationships not working out has to do with people not being willing to work on things, expecting quick, easy answers and fast satisfaction. I believe that many of us have come to expect this in this age of technology.
But relationships have inherent conflicts and our respective psychologies are far too complex to lend themselves to quick fixes. We have to be willing to listen and learn from our partners and empathy is an absolute must.
Also some people choose the wrong partners and usually don't take the time to really get to know them and to explore their expectations about relationships. This is a crucial first step and probably explains the saying that "love is blind." It is in the beginning and that is why we need to pay attention, take our time and reflect on our choices and decisions.
In terms of you specifically, you should explore your feelings and your beliefs at a deeper level. Beliefs are just that, beliefs! They can be changed.
Again, I am not saying that it is easy, but if you want to change what you view as your determined destination, there is no way around it.
Finally, it is best if you do not try to do it by yourself. As humans we have an incredible capacity for lying to ourselves. You can start with observation of others, reading, writing about your feelings and thoughts and doing your best to challenge your beliefs, but in the end it is better if you can have an objective listener i.e., one without an agenda, to help you look at the bigger picture. This might be individual or group therapy or someone you trust from another source but are sure that they do not have an agenda for you.
Hang in there and believe it; you can change.

Whether or not to abort

Orginally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 3, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I am going through the worst time of my life trying to decide what to do.
I cannot even believe it, but I am pregnant. The situation is far from ideal for having a baby, but I really am wondering what it all means to have an abortion, what the risks are and whether or not I will be sorry afterwards. I would understand it if I were more religious, but I really am not. I just feel really scared and overwhelmed.
This is the last thing I expected because I really believed our method of protecting ourselves from this was a good one. My boyfriend supports me either way, or so he says.
Can you please just shed some light on the issue? I am hoping that it will help me decide while I am still early in the pregnancy.
Signed,
Sorry and worried

Dear Sorry and Worried,
I am really glad you wrote in regarding this issue of abortion and I know it must be difficult to discuss. Many women who have them tell very few, some none at all. Perhaps it is largely due to the sociopolitical climate these days, but my experience is that is goes way back to the days when it was theoretically accepted.
Over the years, I have worked with a number of women who have had abortions. Sometimes I am the only one to know. Not even the father is told; other times he is the only one to know.
The reactions to abortion vary and are often surprising to the women who have them. Sometimes it is actually the women who say that they are religious (not suggesting that they are not) who are the most relieved and move on quickly following an abortion. But more often than not, it is the women who say that they are OK with it, who are thinking mostly about the practical aspects of it and choose to do it because they think that it will bring relief, who suffer the most.
The statistics show that there are over 1 million abortions performed every year in the United States and that one in three women have an abortion before the age of 45.
Physically, if done by a doctor and in the first trimester, you should be absolutely fine. Very few women have complications or are injured in any way.
Some women, however, cannot afford an abortion so they try unorthodox methods to achieve it. This can be extremely dangerous.
But as a psychologist, it is the emotional consequences that I am concerned with. Few women really consider this before doing it. They tend to make the decision because they feel the pressure to do so and are considering only what they believe to be the practical aspects. The practical aspects can be very important and I would be the last to discount that piece of it. But it is very important to balance it out by thinking of the emotional aftermath. I have seen so many women who were very sad and often feeling very guilty after the fact. I have heard everything from "what if I never can have another child?" to "I can't believe I killed my baby."
I think it speaks for itself, but I have to say that it is extremely important that you consider who you are, what you are likely to feel afterwards and what coping mechanisms you have.
Are you prone to depression or substance abuse? Do you tend to be hard on yourself? Are you prone to feeling guilty or regretting some of your decisions because you made them in haste or under pressure?
I have seen women go into serious depression. I have seen others who feel spiritually guilty and it eats at their souls for months, or often years. I have also seen women who came to me for substance abuse that started with an abortion that they really were not prepared to have.
But as I said, some women move through it with barely a breeze.
I am not taking a position here other than to say you really need to think it through before making a decision. Think about who you are and how you are likely to feel afterwards. If you can't sort it out from the pressure you feel, you should seek some brief counseling to make sure you are doing what is truly best for you.
Lastly, you say you thought you had a good method of birth control. I cannot tell you how many women have said this to me over the years.
To avoid this terrible dilemma, perhaps it is time to make sure we are either on birth control or have the morning after pill or know our boundaries and limits. As women we need to be more aware of this, what it all really means and to understand what we are up against.

Lingering divorce creates dilemma on Father's Day

Orginally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 14, 2012

http://www.smdp.com/

 

Dear New Shrink,
I am having a terrible family problem that I hope you can advise me on. I can't afford a therapist right now, but really wish that I could.
To give you a somewhat complete picture, I am a Santa Monica College student about to transfer to a university and for now live with my mother. My parents divorced when I was just starting high school and it was and still is ugly. My two older brothers got out of here a while ago; in fact one has already graduated law school.
My problem is that I want to spend Father's Day with my father, but this will really upset my mother. She divorced him when she found out that he was having an affair with a woman on the East Coast during his business travels. He pleaded with her and wanted to go to counseling, but she declined and still has not forgiven him. She wants us, my brothers and I, to hate him the way she does.
My brothers just ignore her, but I can't because I live with her. I don't think what my father did was right, but he has always been a good dad and I think, overall, a good man. My parents were the masters of bickering before the divorce so I always wonder if that was part of the reason for his cheating.
Anyway, I would like to know if there is a way to handle this because Father's Day is approaching and even though he lives nearby, I did not see him last year.
I think this whole thing is very unfair to me and interestingly my one brother wants to go into family law. I know that they both have feelings, but they see both of our parents and ignore her anger.
Signed,
Unfairly Trapped

Dear Unfairly Trapped,
Let me just start by saying that it is clear that your mother feels a very deep sense of betrayal after a good number of years being married. It doesn't sound like she has gotten counseling, but she really should, and if any one of you could help her see this it would not only benefit her but would also help you. A life of resentment is a miserable one and only increases the odds of being bitter in her old age.
There is no question that this is unfair to you. Children should never be brought into the middle of their parents' problems or divorce. Often parents in a bitter divorce will use their children to get even, but that is absolutely and unequivocally wrong.
I am sure your brothers still feel it, but, as you say, you are more vulnerable to it.
It is interesting and probably no accident that your one brother wants to practice family law. Just the practice of law is generally a desire for justice.
I wonder if you have actually discussed this problem with your brothers; if not it would probably be a good idea. They might have a better perspective having been away for a while. I also imagine that you father understands the situation so explaining your dilemma to him might help, but on the other hand, if he is vindictive and/or has not moved on it could fuel the fire.
I do advise you to take some time to contemplate the fear you have of your mother's anger. Do you imagine that she will stop loving you or disown you? Or do you think she will just be angry because she feels so hurt and betrayed? Did she disown your brothers or does she simply assume that they go along with her and don't have a relationship with their father? Is she angry with them?
Anger can be a sign of something worse to come, but is sometimes used as a way to control others. Often it is just a cover up for the underlying pain.
Sometimes we get caught up in someone's anger and become afraid of it, unnecessarily so, especially when we are young and dependent on that person. Or actually even not so young people who feel dependent on someone's love and support are often afraid to deal with or confront that person's anger.
So, I think the most important place to start is by taking some quiet time to really think through what you mother is really about and what she will or won't do if you see your father. There is a good chance that she is just really hurt and her anger is a way to control the situation so that she doesn't feel any more pain. In this case, it is definitely something for her to work on but not something that you should allow to control you.
Hope this helps.

Too close for corporate gig?

Originally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 19, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I have had a very close friend for many years now and this special friend is very successful in business. I am soon to graduate with my master's degree and I have been offered a position with the business, but I would be my friend's employee, at least for a few years. We are both concerned about how this might affect our friendship. Do you have any special questions or advice that I should consider?
Thanks,
Excited but concerned

Dear Excited,
You ask an excellent question. There are many different cases of friends and families working together and from an emotional or psychological perspective the results have been varied. Some situations go extremely well and others go south faster than you might want to think.
In most cases, it depends on the family dynamics to begin with and how well prepared a family is for working together. There are specialists that work with families in business together. I know a few excellent ones; call me if you want some referrals.
Now, you ask about a good friend you've known for a long time. Working with them can either be great or really bad. It is rarely anything in between. There are many things to consider, questions to ask and expectations to explore.
In a sense, it is much like a marriage where the ideal images of the family, or in this case the business, needs to be explored in advance.
Role expectations need to be spelled out as much as possible and explored with each other. They are not likely to match 100 percent, but if you have worked them out in advance your chances of doing well are far better.
Also, it is really important that you discuss the inequality of your being an employee and your friend being your "boss." There may be enough in your education and experience to offset this inequality and if so you can be more like colleagues and that would be great. It is your friend's business that years of experience have gone into and as you mention, with much success. You wouldn't expect to come in at an equal level just coming out of school, but if you have enough to offer it may balance out nicely.
Try to think of all the possible situations that could arise and discuss them now. You can work out a way of handling them in the future should they come up.
Then you need to know your relationship. Is it just social? Or do you have a long-standing friendship where you honestly feel that you really know each other?
Some questions to ask are what will happen when one of you disappoints the other? Will you be able to talk it out? Have you ever had a fight or disagreement before? How did you work that out? Will you continue to want to spend social time together or will seeing each other at work mean spending less and less time together as friends?
It can go either way but typically when we get along we tend to spend more time with work friends. That is where many, if not most people, make their friendships.
It all depends on the two of you and your personalities and, most importantly, talking it out thoroughly first.
Then I think both of you might want to ask one or two other people that know you well if they can see or think of anything that might hinder your friendship or the working relationship. It's difficult to be more specific because it really depends on the personality of each of you. Hopefully you are close enough to know the sensitivities of the each other and whether or not your egos will clash down the road and over what types of things.
Finally, there is the issue of compensation and it is very important that neither one of you give in to the other, but instead you both are comfortable with the proposal. Be sure to consider long-term results. Down the road is there room to grow or will you always be at the same status. If you leave, what effects will that have on your relationship? How long are you expected to stay in the business before moving up?
A special friend is hard to lose but a good friendship can grow even better under the right circumstances. Just make sure you vet it first.
Good luck!

Whether to stay or go home?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 31, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I am about to graduate college and after four years here in Los Angeles, I am having trouble deciding whether to stay here or go home which is across the country.
I love it here and have been happy. I have been able to forget family problems but on the other hand, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. My family is also urging me to come home.
My family is completely dysfunctional. My father comes from an alcoholic family and he himself has an unacknowledged drinking problem. My mother is completely codependent and even though she is my best friend, I really feel like an orphan and have for years. She is almost glued to my father after discovering one shocking behavior after another.
A nanny who I adore but is no longer with our family basically raised me. My parents both worked long hours and we rarely even had dinner together. I have several siblings but we actually are not all that close. We seem to have all gone our own ways. I would probably have to live at home again unless I get a fantastic job right away.
I think the job market is better back home but I feel free and happy here in Los Angeles. I really am torn and do not know what to do. Obviously, I haven't got long to decide.
Please help with any thoughts you might have.
Signed,
Tortured

Dear Tortured,
Tortured is a very strong word to describe your situation and feelings. I really understand it though because your situation seems like a lose-lose with pain in whichever way you go.
I find myself wondering if you can't find a way to stay just a little bit longer so that you give yourself some time to process your feelings and perhaps start checking out the job market? If you can, I would also recommend you find some unbiased and professional help in making the best decision for yourself.
On the one hand you say you are happy and have a sense of freedom and it sounds like well being here in Los Angeles. You didn't mention friends here but after four years in college you must have made some good friends. Are any of them staying here in Los Angeles; can you create a support group here?
Also, you are too young to know it yet, but most people make a fair number of friends in their jobs. We spend a good amount of time in our working life and it is unusual if we do not make some pretty good friends. The exception of course, would be if you worked alone. But even then you could create a network and of course, there is always your alumni association.
On the other hand, long-time friends and family are very important attachments that generally speaking, we are lucky to have and I really understand your missing them.
But if your family is so unhealthy for you, I think you had better have a really good game plan if you do return and have to stay with them for a while.
You are not likely to change them so you had better be prepared for the emotional state you may find yourself in. Living with them again is likely to activate a lot of memories and old feelings.
This is part of the reason I recommend that you get some help to process your feelings and the things that happened and didn't happen for you. But also, I cannot tell you how important it is to recognize that we cannot just bury feelings alive. It never works; they always come back to haunt us in one way or another.
You have escaped these feelings temporarily by being away but they will catch up with you whether you go or stay here. In fact, your feeling so tortured right now is a significant sign that they really are not that far away.
I hope the small things that I can say will help you some but more so, I really hope you can find a way to take the pressure off and get some help in figuring this out before you find yourself making a decision that you regret.
It is not where you live, it is how you live that will make the difference.
I wish you the best of luck.

Dog house for husband

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 17, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/


Dear New Shrink
I am furious with my husband because he did not give me anything for Mother's Day! Not even flowers. The kids gave me things that they had made me in school and we all went to breakfast that he paid for, but I have a 6-month-old little boy. You would think he would notice and get a clue. I am barely speaking to him and he has asked me "what is wrong?" I just say nothing or "you should know." I don't want to stay mad, how do I let this go and how do I get him to see his own behavior?
Thank you,
Very Angry

Dear Very Angry,
You are clearly very upset, which makes me wonder about a few things. First, what were you expecting for Mother's Day? Obviously, you expected something more, but why? Is it because you have received gifts from your husband in the past? Or perhaps this is what your father did with your mother? Or is it because you saw what some of your friends got and you didn't?
No pun intended, but expectation is the mother of disappointment!
Do yourself a favor and think about this, and then I think you will begin to realize that while you may feel angry, you are probably more hurt or scared. There is usually hurt or fear or both underlying anger. We prefer to get angry because it makes us feel more powerful. Do yourself a favor and try to be a little more introspective before talking to him, or worse yet, blowing up at him.
Second, what has been going on in your marriage? It is unusual to be this hurt if you are really getting along and communicating well.
Often, men get hurt and jealous when there is a new child. But mothers can get hurt too if they feel that they are not getting the support and help they need. If this is going on, but it only comes out in fighting or through sarcasm, then maybe your husband is angry and didn't want to give you a gift. Could he be angry with you for being a good mother but forgetting to be his wife? This is just something to consider. Also take into account whether you have already been angry with him before this incident occurred. Again, I don't know if you have received gifts in the past, but if you have, this might be a clue.
You mentioned that you have a 6-month-old son; there is no question that they can steal away a lot of our attention. Actually, a lot if not most of marital problems start with the first child because of the radical changes in your relationship. You are no longer a romantic dyad but now you have a triangle. Triangles are always difficult to negotiate, but with an infant negotiation is near impossible, therefore things can be really rough. You mentioned other children, so a question I have for you is how did you do with the first kids? Were there any problems in your marriage that you perhaps never resolved?
Lastly, with all due respect, I don't know of any place where it is written that a gift is expected from our husbands on Mother's Day. It really depends on the couple.
So when you write about his bad behavior, I'm unsure of what you mean. Do you mean his disappointing you, or hurting your feelings? After reflecting on what this all means to you and what you are hurt about or what your fears might be, tell him in a calm, non-accusatory way. The real secret to staying in love is communication. This is something you need to start and soon. Don't withhold from your husband; talk to him.
Finally, if you are having trouble communicating the way you know that you need to, seek couples counseling. Don't wait until it is too late and please remember that it takes two to make a relationship.
I hope this helps you let go, and to forget about changing his behavior; just start talking and see if you can't become good friends again.
Good luck.

Proceed with Caution when giving Fellow Parent's Advice

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 22, 2012.
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I don't even know where to start but really hope that you can help me. I have a good friend who grew up with a mother who abandoned her emotionally. It seems mom was more interested in her second husband and set of kids than she was in my friend.
I have always been sympathetic and we have had many intimate discussions about personal matters. I care about her and her children, who are roughly the same age as mine and have become good friends with them.
I just cannot believe what is suddenly happening and when I try to discuss it with her she gets really angry with me. She is in total denial but she is doing exactly the same thing as her mother did.
She has two children from a prior marriage but now happily remarried and has a couple more and she is really ignoring the first two. They are both teenagers and the daughter recently had a suicide attempt and the son has been on anti-depressants.
Here is my dilemma; after the daughter's suicide attempt, the therapist involved asked that my friend come in, calling it a "family matter." My friend is angry with this and has literally said, "It is her problem, not mine and I am not going!" Meanwhile, her son came to me and said he had quit his medication.

I know the father and grandparents and they are very caring, but the mother has the primary custody. Should I tell them what I see going on and what the son recently told me or should I just stay out of it? My friend was so angry when I approached her the first time it truly shocked me. I don't think she will do anything about it if I approach her again.
Signed,
Very Worried and Surprised

Dear Worried and Surprised,
I am not at all surprised that you worry and are concerned. These are your children's friends and the children of a friend that you care about.
Most likely somewhere deep inside, your friend is fearful of being like her mother.
It never feels good when your children are in trouble, and to have both of them in such serious situations, she is probably extremely defensive and feeling pretty helpless.
First of all, you know that talking to her doesn't work. At least not a straight head-on confrontation of the issues. She is too defensive.
Nothing is worse than being accused of or thinking of yourself as a bad mother. Only rapists and child molesters are considered worse. We don't like bad mothers in our society and we certainly don't want to face the possibility that we might be one. Having said that, there is a chance that you only got her initial defensive reaction and that she will come around.
I would forget trying to confront her at this point. Perhaps you can just be supportive in a way that encourages her to take a more serious role with these two children. I would say use a "back door approach," if talking to her about this at all.
If you are supportive in a way that makes her feel safe to talk to you, she may come around. If you see no signs of this, I think you should definitely express your concerns to the father and grandparents for the children's sake. I realize that this might jeopardize your friendship with her, but there is a reason that this teenage boy told you that he stopped his medicine. You did not say that he said to keep it a secret, all the more reason to assume that he is reaching out for help. But even if he had, I think I would not chance suicide with these teenage kids.
If the father and grandparents care and she seems preoccupied with the new husband and children, these kids may be better off with dad.
These kids need help and you would never forgive yourself if you ignored it and one or both ended up either committing suicide or in serious trouble.
Adolescents are the most likely group to commit suicide or if not that, to begin self-medicating with drugs and maybe dying from that. They just do not have fully developed brains or the wisdom to understand what they are doing.
I think you know what you have to do and it's important that you do it. Do not wait too long; time is of the essence. But do take time to think of the most diplomatic way to go about it.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.

Concerns about Jealous Type

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 8, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
I was supposed to hang out with a male co-worker — truly just friends — last Saturday night. But my long-distance boyfriend surprised me and showed up over the weekend. I didn't think much about it but my other co-workers said his motive was either protective or jealous. At what point is jealousy unhealthy and at what point is it natural? Where is the line drawn?
Signed,
Better at controlling this then he is

Dear Better,
Jealously, as we think of it, is a natural instinct at times. It may serve to inform or protect those we care about and ourselves. But when it is acute or chronic, there is nothing healthy about it.
Normal is a term that comes from statistics. If it falls within the bell curve, meaning that most people do it, it becomes normal. This is not the same as healthy, although many issues are defined this way. Just as an example, we have an epidemic of obesity in our country right now, not sure it has become the norm but it certainly is not healthy.
So let's talk about healthy and what jealousy actually is. Jealousy is either a quick instinct that is protective or it comes from an anxious attachment.
First of all, do you think your boyfriend meant to truly surprise you or did he know you were hanging out with your co-worker? If it was a real surprise, then I don't think we should label it as jealousy. It is actually curious to me how your co-workers determined this about your boyfriend, an outsider?
When we are in relationships, males are protective when it comes to other men, especially when they don't know them. Boys will be boys and they can barely help it with that powerful testosterone running through their veins.
There are many men that believe that opposite sexes cannot be just friends, unless of course one is gay. I disagree because over the years I have had a number of male friends that I shared intellectual and work-related interests with and nothing ever happened. We are still friends to this day. Yet we still need to be careful, especially when we are young.
In relationships, we have a tendency to think "she is mine or he is mine" and we do protect that which is ours. Having said that, no one belongs to anyone; that kind of thinking is unhealthy for sure.
Real jealously comes from anxiety in your attachment. To secure the relationship, communication about these kinds of things is key. You need a heart-to-heart talk so that you are open, honest and clear with each other and hopefully can and will learn to trust each other. Relationships do not work out well if the trust isn't there.
Now a lack of trust is not exactly the same as jealously, but there is a relationship. Anxious attachment comes from insecurity and fear of loss. Your boyfriend, if he is jealous, may bring this anxious attachment to the relationship. If he did not have a secure relationship with his family growing up he will be insecure in relationships that are important to him.
It is unfortunate that we often judge people as clingy or dependent or even obnoxious and call them jealous types when what they really have is insecure attachment. Building trust will help, but he may need some counseling around this particular issue in order to resolve it because it will continue to get in his way or spoil his relations.
Finally, to answer your question more specifically, try a heart-to-heart talk and building some trust with your boyfriend if he is really important to you.
How much is too much jealously, as you put it, comes down to how much you can endure. There is no blueprint for relationships. It all depends on the people involved. How much can you take?
Also, a little self-examination is in order to make sure you are not bringing it on so that you can feel more important or secure. As they say, it takes two to tango and you did say that you are better at "controlling it?" Be sure your side of the street is clean.
If you can't build the trust that requires both of you, and one of you is suffering from anxious attachment, get some professional help.

Making Friends

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press,  Feb. 23, 2012

http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I can make more friends. I only have one good friend, a girlfriend. But not only would I like more girlfriends, I would also like to have friends of the opposite sex. How do I make them, where do people go to find them in this town?
Signed,
Not Enough

Dear Not Enough,

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard about the difficulty of making friends in Los Angeles. I am not sure what it is. Perhaps our diversity, while a great thing, creates more cliques. Then there is the urban layout which makes it inconvenient to connect with friends in other areas. And of course, many people now feel that they have more friends than they really do through Internet connections like Facebook. Whatever the reason, you are not alone.

Most people make friends through their work, school, church or a common interest. If you play a sport, stay with it and reach out to the others you may end up playing with, whether it's volleyball on the beach, golf, tennis or basketball at local community centers.

If you tend toward religion, join a church or temple and participate in the activities there. Be sure to let the pastor or rabbi know that you are new.

If you are still in school, join some clubs. If you graduated, connect with alumni if possible.

Living in Santa Monica can be a blessing for meeting friends. If you are physically active you can meet people walking the Fourth Street stairs, rollerblading or riding bikes on the beach.

It sounds like you are not married yet, but if you do marry or form a permanent union and if you have children, you will meet and connect with other parents through your children.

There are actually many different ways to meet people in Los Angeles, you just need to be willing to get out and do it and you need to have patience.

Friendships are rarely made overnight. They generally take time and we usually get to know someone through something that we share.

Whether it's work, training or degree program, a sport or a religion, we generally become close to someone through the sharing of an activity. And it takes time. Be prepared to reach out, but take baby steps; don't come on too strong. If you have enough in common and the chemistry is there, it will happen naturally.

Now if you seem to be too shy and are hoping that others come to you or if you have sincerely tried some of the things that I have mentioned and nothing seems to work, then there just might be something in your interpersonal approach that would be worth exploring. Group therapy is excellent for this and you can find it through the American Psychological Association Therapist Locator or the California or Los Angeles Psychological Association. There is also the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists or perhaps you might look into Psychology Today's web site and search "Group Therapy."

If you feel comfortable with and around people and they seem to respond favorably to you, then my best recommendation is to start doing something you really like and are truly interested in. Volunteer, join a hiking group or go to Meet Up where you can find hundreds of different groups with special interests that you might like. Just do it and making friends will happen naturally over time.

If you care about the upcoming elections, whatever your party, there will soon be many volunteer opportunities to promote your candidate and that can be a great way to make friends of both sexes.

Now with the opposite sex friends, you will definitely need a common interest such as this that clearly differentiates a sexual interest from a friendship interest. There can be a lot of hesitancy in this regard if it is not clear and there is not a good reason for friendship.

Along these thoughts, I would avoid bars or gyms for the purpose of making friends. They are often pick-up places or people go there to seriously workout or drink.

The bottom line is to get involved with something that you are truly interested in and then give it time. And don't reject anyone unless they really bother you. You never know who will introduce you to others that you may really like.

Good luck!