Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am feeling really
confused and emotionally torn. My husband had an affair while I was near the
end of my pregnancy and it has been very difficult if not impossible for me to
get over.
We have a beautiful
child together and are great co-parents. The problem is that I, after a couple
of years of being too angry to know or feel anything, find myself attracted to
him and actually feeling like I am still in love with him.
He claims that he has
always loved me and still does. He doesn’t really have a good explanation for his
infidelity. He says he is unsure why he did this but tires to blame it on the
lack of sex life that we had during the last trimester of our pregnancy. He
also says that I seemed more interested in our baby than I did in him.
We are not currently
living together but he really wants me to forgive him and live with him again.
He swears that he is sorry and will never do it again.
I wish I could
believe him but I just don’t know what to do.
Why does this
happen? Is there really a chance of my getting completely over this and do you
really think he has or can change?
Signed,
Want to Believe
Dear Want to
Believe,
It is difficult to
know where to start. This problem is so pervasive.
As you probably know
there are countries that punish it by death (to the women) or attempt to
prevent it with circumcision. But here
in the United States we tend to view it more like a nuance, which unless it
happens to us, it is far more than a nuance.
It feels like a deep betrayal to most people who are in committed
relationships or a marriage. Jealousy is very common, it fact it usually prevails.
Jealousy is not just
anger and suspicion; it actually is much more about our feelings of being in an
insecure attachment. And of course we
will feel insecurely attached if our committed partner has had a relationship
of whatever sort, with someone else.
Unfortunately I have
no way to say whether your husband would ever do this again; I cannot guarantee
anything. There are countless stories of
both men and women promising never ever, never again. Some are still doing it
and others mean it but end up cheating again.
However, if he
really loves you, this does count for something. We all need our attachments
and attachment is a driving force, an instinct just like or as much as sex is.
While infidelity is
definitely on the rise and very high according to statistical data, we need to
recognize that there are often factors in the relationship that contribute to
it.
In your case, you
say you were in your last trimester of pregnancy and if you didn’t feel sexual,
there is a good chance that he did not feel it with you. The birth of the first
child is often the beginning of marital problems for a myriad of reasons. In
this case, let’s start with the real possibility that he began to see you more
as a mother than as a sexual partner.
You add to it this that
he felt you were more interested in the baby than in him, then he must have had
hurt feelings and resentment, which is bad for any relationship.
Unfortunately, you
two did not recognize or talk about it because perhaps you could have worked it
out. So many couples have these exact problems.
Another situation
that is very common is what we think of as the mid-life crisis when the kids
are gone and both of you are looking for new identities or how you fit in this
world. This can bring with it new ideas and thoughts about your relationship.
Also, if you have devoted yourselves to being parents and somehow forgotten about
your relationship along the way, you will find yourselves strangers and the
probability of going your separate ways in high.
Infidelity rates are
quite high in the US with estimates being anywhere from 1/3 to 2/3 of all
relationships engaging in it at some point although most of it is never
discovered.
Men tend to cheat
more than women and they say that it is almost always about sex whereas women
tend to engage in outside relations for love and connection. In fact, women do
not always take it to a physical level. Having said that, biological research
indicates that monogamy is a difficult task for most all humans.
Clearly, the best
hope is to pay attention to our relationships, take good care of them, be
empathic to our partners and communicate.
The secret of
staying in love is honest communication.
Dr. JoAnne Barge is
a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage & family therapist with
offices in Brentwood. Visit her @ www.drbarge.com or email your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com Got something on
your mind? Let us help you with your life matters.
