So, you want to become a shrink?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on July 11, 2013.

www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,

I am wondering what it takes to become a psychologist.

My friends all tell me that I should be one. I am currently taking some psychology and sociology classes at Santa Monica College and I think I like them. But most of all, everyone says that I am a really good listener and I think they are right.

I grew up an only child from a divorced home and my mother and I were best friends. I was her confidant; she told me all her problems with men, money and work. I even helped her make decisions. I handled it all very well.

All of this has made me the go-to person for my friends and I am thinking I am a natural to be a psychologist. What do you think? I am being urged to pick a major so I should decide soon.

Thank you,

Maybe Psychologist

Dear Maybe,

It is certainly understandable that you think this might be a good fit. It is clearly a familiar and, I am assuming, comfortable role for you. But I am really glad that you wrote in with this question or what I am going to call a situation.

Becoming a psychologist requires a lot more than having friends and your mother come to you with their problems.

My first question to you is one you probably cannot answer just yet but you should definitely ask yourself and be thinking a lot about this. Is this “role” good for you?

It may have become a big part of your identity, I am guessing, because your relationship with your mother was so inverted. Questioning who you really are and what you actually want is an important place to start, not just for deciding on whether to become a psychologist, but for your own future wellness and happiness. If it is not right for you, you will end up feeling very burnt out sooner than not! And while you may have grown up quickly and developed some skills that most young people don’t yet have, you also do not sound like you had much of a childhood. You may need to give yourself some time off, some playtime, before you settle into adult responsibility again.

If you need help in getting to your own truth, consider a few therapy sessions to help you. A good therapist will have the right questions to help you know if this would be a good decision for you or not and to help you understand your own needs.

That actually brings us to another point, which is that being a psychologist, or another type of psychotherapist, is not just about listening. Being a really good listener is a critical start to helping patients but it is not an end in itself. You have to know what questions to ask and when to ask them. This timing can be critical. You also need to have the analytical skills to look at things in a number of different ways and then how to rule out non-essential issues and focus on the critical ones. You must be able to decide what the best treatment approach is for your patient or client.

So you see, it is not just about other people feeling good about talking to you. At this point, they may be coming to you because they sense that it is something you are open to. But as I already mentioned, this does not mean it is good for you. 

It may not be good for them either.

We tend to tell friends what they want to hear because we do not want them to get angry and/or we do not want to hurt their feelings. We often agree with them when deep down we really don’t. As a professional you cannot do this with the people you try to help.

The listening and being supportive is a nice thing to do for others, but if you were to become a psychotherapist, you would not be that friend, you would be a professional with a lot of responsibility and you would need to be comfortable with questioning and giving honest feedback.

Another thing to consider is how much you like the academic environment. You say that “you think” you like your classes. If you do not really love school, you might want to think twice because you need at least a master’s degree to be a professional therapist. That adds up to a minimum of six years. If you want to be a psychologist, you will need to earn a doctoral degree in psychology, which is anywhere from eight to 10 years.

Finally, career counselors have tests and skills to help you determine if this is the right path for you.

How to know if you are entering a good marriage

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 7, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

 

Dear Life Matters,

I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.

We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”

My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.

My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.

He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.

But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,

Help

  

Dear Help,

I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.

While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.

If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.

If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.

Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.

If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.

I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.

It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.

Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.

In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.

There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.

But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.

- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf

Losing my daughter, marriage

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 27, 2013
www.smdp.com
  

Dear Life Matters,

I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!

And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!

I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.

This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!

What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?

Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,

Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

 

Dear Upset,

If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.

From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.

Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.

Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.

You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!

And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.

Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.

Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.

If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.

Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.

If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.

In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.

I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

 

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Is a cheater always a cheater?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press under Life Matters on May 30, 2013
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our child. I did not and still do not understand why he did this. We separated but continue co-parenting and the love clearly seems to still be there. But how can I ever know that I can trust him again? He hurt me to the core. It was a knife to my heart and I still experience some of those feelings.
Can he ever truly change? Many of my friends say no and not to trust him.
Signed,
Lost in love

Dear Lost,
I am sorry that you were so hurt. No one should have to go through that pain. While still in love, you are struggling with trust, which is quite understandable. I think it is a somewhat prevailing view that once a cheater always a cheater. But I must say that it really depends on the person and the situation. Like anything, not everyone is the same no matter what has happened.
Some cheaters are perpetual cheaters; they are pathological liars who do not believe that the rules apply to them. Often they are unable to empathize with the pain that they cause others and therefore might be said to have narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies.
Sometimes cheating is truly situational and not at all perpetual. These people feel bad about what they have done even if they haven’t been caught and they are determined because of their own morals never to do it again.
Then there are those who think what you don’t know won’t hurt you. But that usually never works. Somehow, someway, we tend to know even when we don’t know what we know. This is called intuition or that sixth sense.
Some cheaters are truly alarmed by the pain they have caused and their empathy leads them to change.
The motives of a cheater are quite diverse and vast. Sometimes it is simply that they cannot keep their pants zipped or buttoned. These folks just might have a sexual addiction and need some help.
Then there is the “first child syndrome” where you go from being a romantic dyad to being a triad and in this triangle the baby cannot be negotiated. Very often new fathers feel left out and they are really hurt. They often start to resent their partner, but they usually find it difficult to admit to that because they don’t want to be that guy who is jealous of his child or does not want his child to have a good mother.
If the couple has not learned of this possibility before it happens and is not able to speak about it when it does, then more than likely you will have some acting out. This is not always in the form of cheating, but when you are really in need of some attention, this may be the way that you get it.
On a similar note, women married to very successful men who travel a lot or simply work long hours may find themselves in a similar situation. They resent the long hours, but do not want to complain because of the income. However, it is not unusual for them to become involved with their yoga instructor or trainer or anyone that they spend a lot of time with.
Another possibility is that if someone has experienced a great deal of painful loss they can be somewhat emotionally detached and feel extremely uncomfortable putting all their eggs in one basket. If they keep other relations going at the same time, they feel less vulnerable. This is called a “defensive structure” and to break it down and help someone reorganize their psychology, psychotherapy is needed — actually it is required. This is not a change that occurs naturally. It takes serious psychological work.
So, I would say try to evaluate which of these scenarios is the most applicable to your relationship and then decide if it would be prudent on your part to stay or go.
Also, I have a feeling that you might benefit from some counseling to help you work out some of your negative feelings. It really is not good for you to hang on to old injuries and you won’t be clear until you do let go.
Lastly, it is important to remember that relationships require work. We cannot assume that our partner will know what we are feeling or that it will work out if it’s meant to be. This kind of thinking is incorrect.
We are all human. It does not matter if you are a man or woman, anyone can cheat if his or her needs exceed or are not recognized in the relationship.

When is crazy really crazy?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 9, 2013
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
After all the news regarding the Boston Marathon bombing, I find myself wondering, when is crazy really crazy and when is it not? Are these brothers crazy? Are they sick or are they evil? What makes for these differences?
Thank you for anything you might add.

Signed,
Confused, Crazy or Evil?

Dear Confused,
An excellent question, truly a smart one and I say that because most people just have an opinion, emotionally based, never giving it any further thought.
The word “crazy” is used very loosely in our society and generally comes out of making a joke or having a fairly strong opinion about something that differs from your own.
In clinical or scientific forms, mental illness is a quantifiable concept based on the Bell Curve. If one falls underneath the bell of this curve, which accounts for a little more than two-thirds of us, then one is considered normal. If you are at either end, outside of the curve, or if you are an outlier, then you can be considered abnormal. Outliers are people falling way outside of the curve and in science there are usually only a few and they are eliminated from results in order to maintain the curve.
So what you have is a concept where anyone that is not of the norm might be called crazy.
A famous psychiatrist named Thomas Szasz originally challenged this concept. He felt strongly that people differ greatly based on their cultures, languages and therefore social norms vary a great deal and that it is wrong to judge somewhat as being crazy or ill because they are different from us. He criticized his own profession for labeling someone as having a mental disorder because they did not conform to the social norms of our society. He further argued that psychiatry has used it as a means of social control.
If you saw the movie “Shutter Island,” then you might understand Dr. Szasz’ argument. Fortunately we have come a long way since then; just 30 years ago people who did not like the behavior of an unruly teen or difficult relative could get them locked up in a hospital and medicated if they demonstrated odd behaviors and/or if the person had the money to influence a psychiatrist. This is now outlawed. As research evidence of genetic contributions to mental illnesses grows, and medicines truly help those people who suffer, the categorization becomes more justifiable and somewhat easier to make a distinction.
However, sometimes (what we call) mentally ill people are not suffering and they do not think anything is wrong with them.
So can definition simply be on the basis of someone else being different in his or her social norms or philosophical thinking? As we grow more diversified, both here at home and globally, there are clearly differences in standards, beliefs and behaviors and it might just be best for us to try to understand them versus judging them, even if we don’t agree or something seems odd to us.
Not only would this foster tolerance and integration instead of segregation and hatred, but also it might help us to get into the mindsets of others and stop some of the violent behavior like we just witnessed with the Boston bombings.
Many people are calling the Boston bombers “sick,” probably because what happened makes us feel sick. But so far there is no real evidence that they were mentally ill. They believe what they believe. Even with our definition of mental disorders, they would only qualify if we compare them to our thinking; they are not different from the thinking of the group to which they belong.
It is a personal opinion that any thinking that includes the harming or killing of others is wrong and most of us would agree. But is it mental illness or evil?
I would say that the Sandy Hook killing of young children or the Colorado shooting in the movie theater were a function of mental illness.
The Boston marathon bombing seems more like evil, yet you have some suggesting sociopathy, which seems to fit, but then the discussion turns to the brain differences on scans between sociopaths and normal and you start moving back toward the illness concept. I would venture to say that anyone that is so filled with hatred that they cannot empathize with a different perspective and that they believe they have a right to murder because of their view is in someway sick. But again, is it crazy sick or sick evil? An excellent question and I am obviously answering a question with a question but trying to understand this and understand each other might just help us all out.

Why won't you open your mouth?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 18, 2013 under the Life Matters column.  

www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

I cannot understand for the life of me, why some people just stop talking to their friends or relatives or disappear from their lives without an explanation.

This had happened to me twice and it has happened to others I know. It is extremely hurtful.

You don’t know what you have done, if anything. You don’t know if it is you or they that has the problem.

Why can’t or don’t some people just talk about things?

I would appreciate any explanations you might offer.

Signed,

Dumbfounded

Dear Dumbfounded,

This is an excellent question however there is not just one simple answer to give you.

There are a myriad of reasons that underlie this behavior.

You are absolutely correct it can be extremely hurtful. Sometimes it can feel like a murder, for lack of a better metaphor.

In some cases, it may be intended to punish and therefore hurt you.  If someone feels like they want to get even with you, this is certainly a very effective way of doing it. It is not only painful but leaves you feeling very helpless and confused. And clearly, it really is not at all fair.

Having said that, not all people who do this intend to do harm. In fact, many may not even realize that you are so hurt. 

There are many people who are afraid of confrontation and simply cannot bring themselves to talk about things that are a potential conflict.

Underneath this there is a fear of what conflict can bring and imagined injuries, emotional or otherwise. There also is often a fear of loss and of course this is ironic because they are creating the thing they fear most.  However, many of these people are very self-centered and do not think things through very well.  They are only thinking about how they feel. And believe it or not, they are often sorry later but then do not know how to turn it around.

There is also the element of false pride in that they cannot bring themselves to admit their own vulnerability, hurt feelings or wrongdoing once they have cut you off.

Some people who disappear on you may be hiding from themselves. What I mean by this is that they are guilty or feel shame about something they have done or are currently doing and cannot bring themselves to be open and honest with you.

Now on the other side of this is always the question of what your part might be.  Are you hurting people without knowing it? Are you someone who has a tendency to make others feel very important to you and while they might be, you cannot possibly fulfill their expectations or be that friend that they imagine you to be?  Or possibly you are not really paying attention to who these friends really are; what are they all about, how are they psychologically organized, what makes them tick.  If you don’t look at the whole picture and just tend to see what you want to see in others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you are a social friendly and popular type of person, you may enjoy the company of many and not realize that you cannot possibly be everyone’s best friend. If you are lucky you may have two or three really close friends, especially if you have a family. This is not to say you cannot have a number of great social friends but that is very different from the best friend category.

So as you might begin to see, there are many possibilities on both sides of the equation, things to take seriously and contemplate.

Generally speaking, communication is critical to relationships. It can be very hard at times but it truly is the secret of staying in love and maintaining really good and close long-term relationships.  If someone hurts your feelings or upsets you in someway, if you care about them and your relationship at all, you owe it to them to tell them.  This is due to the fact that resentment that is not discussed and resolved is the first, if not another, brick in the wall that is being built between you.

Relationships are bumpy at times but the honest ones tend to survive and get stronger if they were meant to be in the first place.

Do yourself a favor going forward and evaluate the communication you are able to have with someone before you get to far along. If it isn’t there, you are guaranteed to have these problems again and again.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage & family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or send your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com

Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does!

Criticism that cuts to the core

Originally published under Life Matters in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 4, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My fiancé is everything I would want in a man and most of the time we have a very pleasant relationship and a lot of fun together. I love him deeply most of the time and I think he loves me. He did ask me to marry him.
But I think he has a mean streak. He doesn’t have a temper, he has never been physically abusive with me and I don’t think he ever would be. So it’s nothing like that. But, sometimes he just cuts me to the core with his words. He can be so critical of me and it seems to come out of nowhere and for no good reason.
When he starts this, I do not want to be around him. And later when he wants to make love, I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He acts as if nothing is any different. I would estimate that this happens about 10 to 20 percent of the time.
I really need to understand what I can do and how to deal with this before I move forward with an actual marriage.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I am glad to hear that you enjoy a lot in common, have fun together and, for the most part, have a pleasant relationship. You should definitely capitalize on this.
However, what you write to me indicates that you have three problems, not just one.
First, you say that you think that your fiancé loves you, but it doesn’t sound like you are very certain. You definitely do not want to marry someone who doesn’t really love you. Yes, he asked you to marry him and hopefully you are correct in what it means, but since I don’t know any of the other circumstances, I recommend that you honestly ask yourself if there might be any other reason or motive. I know it is not so romantic but better to know now if there is something a little off then to come up against it down the road when you are already hooked in.
Your second problem is the one that you point to, which is his criticizing of you. What is this about? Really, he cuts to your core, but on the other hand says he loves you and wants to marry you?
There are a number of reasons he might be behaving this way. He may be angry with you about something and unable to express it in any other way. Perhaps he is angry with someone else or another situation and just takes it out on you. It may be that he is very self-critical and it is easier to project it onto you. Maybe he wants you to be different than you really are.
All of this is a problem and it does need to be nipped in the bud! If not, you will be living with it and the growing resentment that you already have, which is your third problem.
Nothing kills a relationship faster and more efficiently than resentment!
If there is anything specific that he tends to criticize you about, pay attention to what it is and what this may mean.
There is a very correct saying that goes “when you point your finger, remember that three are pointing back at you!”
This is to be taken seriously and might help you understand what is going on with him.
As for staying in the relationship or moving forward, you are correct to think twice. If this 20 percent causes you to feel so terrible and to want to remove yourself from him as you describe this is a serious problem that if not addressed will just get worse.
Marriages or serious relationships should be made up of love, respect and mutual admiration and trust. There should be equality and at some level you should be best friends.
I don’t know that there is any room for criticism in a love relationship. It just hurts and causes resentment. Perhaps I am just splitting hairs but they are important ones.
It is fine to tell our partners what we like or don’t like, to share our feelings when we are hurt or bothered by something, but it does not need to be in the form of criticism, i.e., putting the other down, sarcasm that hurts the other. This is not only poor communication but also causes unnecessary pain which breeds resentment that more often than not leads to the end of a relationship.
Lastly, you might want to consider pre-marital counseling. It just might save both of you from a lot of heartache. At the very least start talking to him about this and start soon.