Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Dog house for husband
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 17, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink
I am furious with my husband because he did not give me anything for Mother's Day! Not even flowers. The kids gave me things that they had made me in school and we all went to breakfast that he paid for, but I have a 6-month-old little boy. You would think he would notice and get a clue. I am barely speaking to him and he has asked me "what is wrong?" I just say nothing or "you should know." I don't want to stay mad, how do I let this go and how do I get him to see his own behavior?
Thank you,
Very Angry
Dear Very Angry,
You are clearly very upset, which makes me wonder about a few things. First, what were you expecting for Mother's Day? Obviously, you expected something more, but why? Is it because you have received gifts from your husband in the past? Or perhaps this is what your father did with your mother? Or is it because you saw what some of your friends got and you didn't?
No pun intended, but expectation is the mother of disappointment!
Do yourself a favor and think about this, and then I think you will begin to realize that while you may feel angry, you are probably more hurt or scared. There is usually hurt or fear or both underlying anger. We prefer to get angry because it makes us feel more powerful. Do yourself a favor and try to be a little more introspective before talking to him, or worse yet, blowing up at him.
Second, what has been going on in your marriage? It is unusual to be this hurt if you are really getting along and communicating well.
Often, men get hurt and jealous when there is a new child. But mothers can get hurt too if they feel that they are not getting the support and help they need. If this is going on, but it only comes out in fighting or through sarcasm, then maybe your husband is angry and didn't want to give you a gift. Could he be angry with you for being a good mother but forgetting to be his wife? This is just something to consider. Also take into account whether you have already been angry with him before this incident occurred. Again, I don't know if you have received gifts in the past, but if you have, this might be a clue.
You mentioned that you have a 6-month-old son; there is no question that they can steal away a lot of our attention. Actually, a lot if not most of marital problems start with the first child because of the radical changes in your relationship. You are no longer a romantic dyad but now you have a triangle. Triangles are always difficult to negotiate, but with an infant negotiation is near impossible, therefore things can be really rough. You mentioned other children, so a question I have for you is how did you do with the first kids? Were there any problems in your marriage that you perhaps never resolved?
Lastly, with all due respect, I don't know of any place where it is written that a gift is expected from our husbands on Mother's Day. It really depends on the couple.
So when you write about his bad behavior, I'm unsure of what you mean. Do you mean his disappointing you, or hurting your feelings? After reflecting on what this all means to you and what you are hurt about or what your fears might be, tell him in a calm, non-accusatory way. The real secret to staying in love is communication. This is something you need to start and soon. Don't withhold from your husband; talk to him.
Finally, if you are having trouble communicating the way you know that you need to, seek couples counseling. Don't wait until it is too late and please remember that it takes two to make a relationship.
I hope this helps you let go, and to forget about changing his behavior; just start talking and see if you can't become good friends again.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Proceed with Caution when giving Fellow Parent's Advice
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 22, 2012.
http://www.smdp.com/
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I don't even know where to start but really hope that you can help me. I have a good friend who grew up with a mother who abandoned her emotionally. It seems mom was more interested in her second husband and set of kids than she was in my friend.
I have always been sympathetic and we have had many intimate discussions about personal matters. I care about her and her children, who are roughly the same age as mine and have become good friends with them.
I just cannot believe what is suddenly happening and when I try to discuss it with her she gets really angry with me. She is in total denial but she is doing exactly the same thing as her mother did.
She has two children from a prior marriage but now happily remarried and has a couple more and she is really ignoring the first two. They are both teenagers and the daughter recently had a suicide attempt and the son has been on anti-depressants.
Here is my dilemma; after the daughter's suicide attempt, the therapist involved asked that my friend come in, calling it a "family matter." My friend is angry with this and has literally said, "It is her problem, not mine and I am not going!" Meanwhile, her son came to me and said he had quit his medication.
I don't even know where to start but really hope that you can help me. I have a good friend who grew up with a mother who abandoned her emotionally. It seems mom was more interested in her second husband and set of kids than she was in my friend.
I have always been sympathetic and we have had many intimate discussions about personal matters. I care about her and her children, who are roughly the same age as mine and have become good friends with them.
I just cannot believe what is suddenly happening and when I try to discuss it with her she gets really angry with me. She is in total denial but she is doing exactly the same thing as her mother did.
She has two children from a prior marriage but now happily remarried and has a couple more and she is really ignoring the first two. They are both teenagers and the daughter recently had a suicide attempt and the son has been on anti-depressants.
Here is my dilemma; after the daughter's suicide attempt, the therapist involved asked that my friend come in, calling it a "family matter." My friend is angry with this and has literally said, "It is her problem, not mine and I am not going!" Meanwhile, her son came to me and said he had quit his medication.
I know the father and grandparents and they are very caring, but the mother has the primary custody. Should I tell them what I see going on and what the son recently told me or should I just stay out of it? My friend was so angry when I approached her the first time it truly shocked me. I don't think she will do anything about it if I approach her again.
Signed,
Very Worried and Surprised
Dear Worried and Surprised,
I am not at all surprised that you worry and are concerned. These are your children's friends and the children of a friend that you care about.
Most likely somewhere deep inside, your friend is fearful of being like her mother.
It never feels good when your children are in trouble, and to have both of them in such serious situations, she is probably extremely defensive and feeling pretty helpless.
First of all, you know that talking to her doesn't work. At least not a straight head-on confrontation of the issues. She is too defensive.
Nothing is worse than being accused of or thinking of yourself as a bad mother. Only rapists and child molesters are considered worse. We don't like bad mothers in our society and we certainly don't want to face the possibility that we might be one. Having said that, there is a chance that you only got her initial defensive reaction and that she will come around.
I would forget trying to confront her at this point. Perhaps you can just be supportive in a way that encourages her to take a more serious role with these two children. I would say use a "back door approach," if talking to her about this at all.
If you are supportive in a way that makes her feel safe to talk to you, she may come around. If you see no signs of this, I think you should definitely express your concerns to the father and grandparents for the children's sake. I realize that this might jeopardize your friendship with her, but there is a reason that this teenage boy told you that he stopped his medicine. You did not say that he said to keep it a secret, all the more reason to assume that he is reaching out for help. But even if he had, I think I would not chance suicide with these teenage kids.
If the father and grandparents care and she seems preoccupied with the new husband and children, these kids may be better off with dad.
These kids need help and you would never forgive yourself if you ignored it and one or both ended up either committing suicide or in serious trouble.
Adolescents are the most likely group to commit suicide or if not that, to begin self-medicating with drugs and maybe dying from that. They just do not have fully developed brains or the wisdom to understand what they are doing.
I think you know what you have to do and it's important that you do it. Do not wait too long; time is of the essence. But do take time to think of the most diplomatic way to go about it.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
Signed,
Very Worried and Surprised
Dear Worried and Surprised,
I am not at all surprised that you worry and are concerned. These are your children's friends and the children of a friend that you care about.
Most likely somewhere deep inside, your friend is fearful of being like her mother.
It never feels good when your children are in trouble, and to have both of them in such serious situations, she is probably extremely defensive and feeling pretty helpless.
First of all, you know that talking to her doesn't work. At least not a straight head-on confrontation of the issues. She is too defensive.
Nothing is worse than being accused of or thinking of yourself as a bad mother. Only rapists and child molesters are considered worse. We don't like bad mothers in our society and we certainly don't want to face the possibility that we might be one. Having said that, there is a chance that you only got her initial defensive reaction and that she will come around.
I would forget trying to confront her at this point. Perhaps you can just be supportive in a way that encourages her to take a more serious role with these two children. I would say use a "back door approach," if talking to her about this at all.
If you are supportive in a way that makes her feel safe to talk to you, she may come around. If you see no signs of this, I think you should definitely express your concerns to the father and grandparents for the children's sake. I realize that this might jeopardize your friendship with her, but there is a reason that this teenage boy told you that he stopped his medicine. You did not say that he said to keep it a secret, all the more reason to assume that he is reaching out for help. But even if he had, I think I would not chance suicide with these teenage kids.
If the father and grandparents care and she seems preoccupied with the new husband and children, these kids may be better off with dad.
These kids need help and you would never forgive yourself if you ignored it and one or both ended up either committing suicide or in serious trouble.
Adolescents are the most likely group to commit suicide or if not that, to begin self-medicating with drugs and maybe dying from that. They just do not have fully developed brains or the wisdom to understand what they are doing.
I think you know what you have to do and it's important that you do it. Do not wait too long; time is of the essence. But do take time to think of the most diplomatic way to go about it.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Concerns about Jealous Type
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 8, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was supposed to hang out with a male co-worker — truly just friends — last Saturday night. But my long-distance boyfriend surprised me and showed up over the weekend. I didn't think much about it but my other co-workers said his motive was either protective or jealous. At what point is jealousy unhealthy and at what point is it natural? Where is the line drawn?
Signed,
Better at controlling this then he is
Dear Better,
Jealously, as we think of it, is a natural instinct at times. It may serve to inform or protect those we care about and ourselves. But when it is acute or chronic, there is nothing healthy about it.
Normal is a term that comes from statistics. If it falls within the bell curve, meaning that most people do it, it becomes normal. This is not the same as healthy, although many issues are defined this way. Just as an example, we have an epidemic of obesity in our country right now, not sure it has become the norm but it certainly is not healthy.
So let's talk about healthy and what jealousy actually is. Jealousy is either a quick instinct that is protective or it comes from an anxious attachment.
First of all, do you think your boyfriend meant to truly surprise you or did he know you were hanging out with your co-worker? If it was a real surprise, then I don't think we should label it as jealousy. It is actually curious to me how your co-workers determined this about your boyfriend, an outsider?
When we are in relationships, males are protective when it comes to other men, especially when they don't know them. Boys will be boys and they can barely help it with that powerful testosterone running through their veins.
There are many men that believe that opposite sexes cannot be just friends, unless of course one is gay. I disagree because over the years I have had a number of male friends that I shared intellectual and work-related interests with and nothing ever happened. We are still friends to this day. Yet we still need to be careful, especially when we are young.
In relationships, we have a tendency to think "she is mine or he is mine" and we do protect that which is ours. Having said that, no one belongs to anyone; that kind of thinking is unhealthy for sure.
Real jealously comes from anxiety in your attachment. To secure the relationship, communication about these kinds of things is key. You need a heart-to-heart talk so that you are open, honest and clear with each other and hopefully can and will learn to trust each other. Relationships do not work out well if the trust isn't there.
Now a lack of trust is not exactly the same as jealously, but there is a relationship. Anxious attachment comes from insecurity and fear of loss. Your boyfriend, if he is jealous, may bring this anxious attachment to the relationship. If he did not have a secure relationship with his family growing up he will be insecure in relationships that are important to him.
It is unfortunate that we often judge people as clingy or dependent or even obnoxious and call them jealous types when what they really have is insecure attachment. Building trust will help, but he may need some counseling around this particular issue in order to resolve it because it will continue to get in his way or spoil his relations.
Finally, to answer your question more specifically, try a heart-to-heart talk and building some trust with your boyfriend if he is really important to you.
How much is too much jealously, as you put it, comes down to how much you can endure. There is no blueprint for relationships. It all depends on the people involved. How much can you take?
Also, a little self-examination is in order to make sure you are not bringing it on so that you can feel more important or secure. As they say, it takes two to tango and you did say that you are better at "controlling it?" Be sure your side of the street is clean.
If you can't build the trust that requires both of you, and one of you is suffering from anxious attachment, get some professional help.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was supposed to hang out with a male co-worker — truly just friends — last Saturday night. But my long-distance boyfriend surprised me and showed up over the weekend. I didn't think much about it but my other co-workers said his motive was either protective or jealous. At what point is jealousy unhealthy and at what point is it natural? Where is the line drawn?
Signed,
Better at controlling this then he is
Dear Better,
Jealously, as we think of it, is a natural instinct at times. It may serve to inform or protect those we care about and ourselves. But when it is acute or chronic, there is nothing healthy about it.
Normal is a term that comes from statistics. If it falls within the bell curve, meaning that most people do it, it becomes normal. This is not the same as healthy, although many issues are defined this way. Just as an example, we have an epidemic of obesity in our country right now, not sure it has become the norm but it certainly is not healthy.
So let's talk about healthy and what jealousy actually is. Jealousy is either a quick instinct that is protective or it comes from an anxious attachment.
First of all, do you think your boyfriend meant to truly surprise you or did he know you were hanging out with your co-worker? If it was a real surprise, then I don't think we should label it as jealousy. It is actually curious to me how your co-workers determined this about your boyfriend, an outsider?
When we are in relationships, males are protective when it comes to other men, especially when they don't know them. Boys will be boys and they can barely help it with that powerful testosterone running through their veins.
There are many men that believe that opposite sexes cannot be just friends, unless of course one is gay. I disagree because over the years I have had a number of male friends that I shared intellectual and work-related interests with and nothing ever happened. We are still friends to this day. Yet we still need to be careful, especially when we are young.
In relationships, we have a tendency to think "she is mine or he is mine" and we do protect that which is ours. Having said that, no one belongs to anyone; that kind of thinking is unhealthy for sure.
Real jealously comes from anxiety in your attachment. To secure the relationship, communication about these kinds of things is key. You need a heart-to-heart talk so that you are open, honest and clear with each other and hopefully can and will learn to trust each other. Relationships do not work out well if the trust isn't there.
Now a lack of trust is not exactly the same as jealously, but there is a relationship. Anxious attachment comes from insecurity and fear of loss. Your boyfriend, if he is jealous, may bring this anxious attachment to the relationship. If he did not have a secure relationship with his family growing up he will be insecure in relationships that are important to him.
It is unfortunate that we often judge people as clingy or dependent or even obnoxious and call them jealous types when what they really have is insecure attachment. Building trust will help, but he may need some counseling around this particular issue in order to resolve it because it will continue to get in his way or spoil his relations.
Finally, to answer your question more specifically, try a heart-to-heart talk and building some trust with your boyfriend if he is really important to you.
How much is too much jealously, as you put it, comes down to how much you can endure. There is no blueprint for relationships. It all depends on the people involved. How much can you take?
Also, a little self-examination is in order to make sure you are not bringing it on so that you can feel more important or secure. As they say, it takes two to tango and you did say that you are better at "controlling it?" Be sure your side of the street is clean.
If you can't build the trust that requires both of you, and one of you is suffering from anxious attachment, get some professional help.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Making Friends
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press, Feb. 23, 2012
Dear New Shrink,
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I can make more friends. I only have one good friend, a girlfriend. But not only would I like more girlfriends, I would also like to have friends of the opposite sex. How do I make them, where do people go to find them in this town?
Signed,
Not Enough
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I can make more friends. I only have one good friend, a girlfriend. But not only would I like more girlfriends, I would also like to have friends of the opposite sex. How do I make them, where do people go to find them in this town?
Signed,
Not Enough
Dear Not Enough,
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard about the difficulty of making friends in Los Angeles. I am not sure what it is. Perhaps our diversity, while a great thing, creates more cliques. Then there is the urban layout which makes it inconvenient to connect with friends in other areas. And of course, many people now feel that they have more friends than they really do through Internet connections like Facebook. Whatever the reason, you are not alone.
Most people make friends through their work, school, church or a common interest. If you play a sport, stay with it and reach out to the others you may end up playing with, whether it's volleyball on the beach, golf, tennis or basketball at local community centers.
If you tend toward religion, join a church or temple and participate in the activities there. Be sure to let the pastor or rabbi know that you are new.
If you are still in school, join some clubs. If you graduated, connect with alumni if possible.
Living in Santa Monica can be a blessing for meeting friends. If you are physically active you can meet people walking the Fourth Street stairs, rollerblading or riding bikes on the beach.
It sounds like you are not married yet, but if you do marry or form a permanent union and if you have children, you will meet and connect with other parents through your children.
There are actually many different ways to meet people in Los Angeles, you just need to be willing to get out and do it and you need to have patience.
Friendships are rarely made overnight. They generally take time and we usually get to know someone through something that we share.
Whether it's work, training or degree program, a sport or a religion, we generally become close to someone through the sharing of an activity. And it takes time. Be prepared to reach out, but take baby steps; don't come on too strong. If you have enough in common and the chemistry is there, it will happen naturally.
Now if you seem to be too shy and are hoping that others come to you or if you have sincerely tried some of the things that I have mentioned and nothing seems to work, then there just might be something in your interpersonal approach that would be worth exploring. Group therapy is excellent for this and you can find it through the American Psychological Association Therapist Locator or the California or Los Angeles Psychological Association. There is also the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists or perhaps you might look into Psychology Today's web site and search "Group Therapy."
If you feel comfortable with and around people and they seem to respond favorably to you, then my best recommendation is to start doing something you really like and are truly interested in. Volunteer, join a hiking group or go to Meet Up where you can find hundreds of different groups with special interests that you might like. Just do it and making friends will happen naturally over time.
If you care about the upcoming elections, whatever your party, there will soon be many volunteer opportunities to promote your candidate and that can be a great way to make friends of both sexes.
Now with the opposite sex friends, you will definitely need a common interest such as this that clearly differentiates a sexual interest from a friendship interest. There can be a lot of hesitancy in this regard if it is not clear and there is not a good reason for friendship.
Along these thoughts, I would avoid bars or gyms for the purpose of making friends. They are often pick-up places or people go there to seriously workout or drink.
The bottom line is to get involved with something that you are truly interested in and then give it time. And don't reject anyone unless they really bother you. You never know who will introduce you to others that you may really like.
Good luck!
If you tend toward religion, join a church or temple and participate in the activities there. Be sure to let the pastor or rabbi know that you are new.
If you are still in school, join some clubs. If you graduated, connect with alumni if possible.
Living in Santa Monica can be a blessing for meeting friends. If you are physically active you can meet people walking the Fourth Street stairs, rollerblading or riding bikes on the beach.
It sounds like you are not married yet, but if you do marry or form a permanent union and if you have children, you will meet and connect with other parents through your children.
There are actually many different ways to meet people in Los Angeles, you just need to be willing to get out and do it and you need to have patience.
Friendships are rarely made overnight. They generally take time and we usually get to know someone through something that we share.
Whether it's work, training or degree program, a sport or a religion, we generally become close to someone through the sharing of an activity. And it takes time. Be prepared to reach out, but take baby steps; don't come on too strong. If you have enough in common and the chemistry is there, it will happen naturally.
Now if you seem to be too shy and are hoping that others come to you or if you have sincerely tried some of the things that I have mentioned and nothing seems to work, then there just might be something in your interpersonal approach that would be worth exploring. Group therapy is excellent for this and you can find it through the American Psychological Association Therapist Locator or the California or Los Angeles Psychological Association. There is also the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists or perhaps you might look into Psychology Today's web site and search "Group Therapy."
If you feel comfortable with and around people and they seem to respond favorably to you, then my best recommendation is to start doing something you really like and are truly interested in. Volunteer, join a hiking group or go to Meet Up where you can find hundreds of different groups with special interests that you might like. Just do it and making friends will happen naturally over time.
If you care about the upcoming elections, whatever your party, there will soon be many volunteer opportunities to promote your candidate and that can be a great way to make friends of both sexes.
Now with the opposite sex friends, you will definitely need a common interest such as this that clearly differentiates a sexual interest from a friendship interest. There can be a lot of hesitancy in this regard if it is not clear and there is not a good reason for friendship.
Along these thoughts, I would avoid bars or gyms for the purpose of making friends. They are often pick-up places or people go there to seriously workout or drink.
The bottom line is to get involved with something that you are truly interested in and then give it time. And don't reject anyone unless they really bother you. You never know who will introduce you to others that you may really like.
Good luck!
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