Alcoholism in My Family

Alcoholism In My Family, Should I Be Concerned?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Dear New Shrink,

I grew up in an alcoholic family and for a long time told myself that I would NEVER be like my family. I am not anything like them yet but I now find myself worried that it will all catch up with me.  It’s almost like a dark cloud following me. For some reason, I started to worry when my father died from his alcoholism about a year and a half ago. My mother is still alive but she is so bitter and is difficult to be around. My siblings are so different you would not think that we are related.

I am a high achiever and do not drink other than an occasional glass of wine with dinner but I do have a problem trusting relationships. One of my brothers is a drug addict and I have a sister who does not want to be close to any of us.  Can you educate me on the basic concerns that I should have or advise me on what I should do or know?

Signed,

Son of alcoholic parents

Dear Son,

This is such an important issue. One out of four families in our country are affected by alcoholism. Moreover, the children of alcoholics have a 4-5 times greater chance of developing alcoholism from a genetic perspective.

Knowing that there is definitely a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, if you are the child of an alcoholic you should learn all that you can and be very careful; children should also be alerted when the appropriate time comes. This is because alcoholism tends to skip generations precisely because of what you said about never wanting to be like your family. If and when you have kids they won’t see and experience the same thing so they won’t be defended against it. But they will have the genetic vulnerability.

Having said that, armed with this knowledge, you are not a shoe in for alcoholism. You can override genetic predispositions by making the correct and healthy behavioral choices. In truth, only one in five children of alcoholics (COA) become alcoholic themselves. I realize that this can be confusing but it has to do with the way a study is done. Among alcoholics, 58% have alcoholism in their families. When studying for life time prevalence, study after study shows a 4-5 times greater probability for developing it among offspring but when just looking at children of alcoholics (COA), only 1 out of 5 become alcoholics themselves.

However, many COA develop emotional or psychological problems from growing up in alcoholic families. It is not uncommon to have relationship problems because you have grown up with them. Alcoholism takes center stage, everyone adjusts to it and around it, tension is high and in many ways childhoods are aborted.

You mentioned your Mother being bitter and you also say you had alcoholic parents. It sounds like she had a problem also but even if she didn’t, it is not unusual for a wife to try to drink with her husband but she usually gives up when she cannot keep up, Her whole world becomes preoccupied with his every move and her lost dreams. If she can’t get him into treatment, she will usually start reorganizing the family to keep him on the outside. Children can get lost in the shuffle.

COA often become overly responsible and they also become caretakers, a natural role for them. Some act out their hurt and rage like your brother has.  Most COA do not have the time or safe environment to find out who they really are or what they really want out of life because they are too busy surviving and avoiding the conflict. Many become chameleons as a means of survival. And one of the biggest problems COA have is trusting others. Abandonment and loss of attentive parents, normal childhoods, and predictable secure homes all contribute to this.

If you couldn’t trust your own parents or family at whatever level, it will be difficult to trust others. You probably have come to believe that others will hurt and disappoint you if you let them get close. You may even find that you don’t trust love or marriage because of what you witnessed in your parents. Lastly, most COA continue the same defenses they used in childhood as adults. Out of the situation, these defenses usually do not serve us well. In fact, they often cause us more problems.

Get some help and learn all that you can. Besides psychotherapy, there are 12 step groups and there is a National Association of COA, which you can find on the Internet.

Thanks for writing in. Hope this helps some.

Losing our parents hurts deep inside

NATURAL OR NOT, LOSING OUR PARENTS HURTS!

Dear New Shrink,

I am slowly but surely losing my Mother, who has always been one of my best friends. It is not clear whether she just has some dementia or if she may have Alzheimer’s. I have no brothers or sisters; my father is still around but incapable of handling what is happening to his wife as he ages and is depressed by the circumstances as well.

I am obviously a baby boomer. I am college educated and fortunately have a good paying job. I can help financially but I cannot help out as much as I would like to on an emotional level because my work is so demanding.  In this economy, I cannot risk taking time off or being too preoccupied. So I stay focused and call and visit when I can but honestly, the visits are very painful and my wife complains that I am different for several days after I visit my parents.  Don’t get me wrong, my wife cares about her in-laws and she is very supportive but it’s whatever comes over me that bothers her.

I don’t truly understand it myself. I am hoping you can shed some light because while I don’t expect to be happy over my parents’ decline, I feel a bit spoiled since I have had a number of friends that lost their parents years ago from sudden illnesses, one from a heart attack and another lost both of his parents to alcoholism at a very early age. Shouldn’t I just be grateful?

Signed,

A Sad and Puzzled Man

Dear Sad and Puzzled,

Your feelings are completely normal and understandable.

I think part of it may be that you are a man who most likely was taught to compartmentalize your feelings and to be strong. But men and women alike can feel confused about how lucky they are to still have their parents when they are at an older age. No question, it is really terrible to lose a parent prematurely and unexpectedly, or from a long horrible illness.

Loss is always painful and definitely has its consequences to us if we cannot or do not deal with it.

Loss is easy to ignore or deny because it is so painful and our friends help to perpetuate this because they often feel helpless and do not want to see us suffer or to suffer the grief with us. Instant gratification, or feel good, is unfortunately, most often preferred. But I promise you; there are consequences to this that often bring serious problems to our lives.

Loss that is not dealt with, grief unprocessed, leads to depression, substance abuse, or addictions that distract us. It can also cause major problems with relationships. I am not thinking of your wife or marriage at this point but it could cause a problem there as well.

If we do not deal with loss, we generally become detached or at the very least, anxiously attached in our relationships. Being overly anxious in our relationships can drive our partners away. Often we will spoil things because we do not want to experience the heartbreak of another loss.

It is very important that you face your own loss here. You mentioned that your Mother had been a best friend. This is powerful and yes, you are lucky to have had this kind of relationship but unfortunately, you are going to feel the pain of losing her.

When we are lucky enough to have our parents live until a ripe old age, it often comes with a different kind of loss. Sometimes we   become the parent as they become more childlike. We lose the parent we have known and been close to for so long. Often it means making decisions about whether to put them in a home or assisted living or a facility for Alzheimer’s care. These are not easy decisions and actually should not be made without help. Often this really requires the help of a specialist who knows the differences in what is happening to your parent and can go over the financial aspects with you as well. Surprisingly, this is usually at no cost to you.

But please understand that it is every bit as important for you to get help with understanding and processing your personal loss. A natural part of life or not, loss is always painful and should be treated with the care and respect it and you deserve. There are bereavement groups, which are easy to find, or if you prefer a more private individualized approach, you can see a therapist like myself who specializes in grief and loss.

Please give yourself a break and respect your feelings. No matter how it occurs, loss brings grief. Don’t bury it alive.