Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on January 17, 2013
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My husband thinks that I need to see a therapist. He says it is a new
year already and I have had the same problem for the past three, and
every year say I am going to take care of it, but I haven’t. It’s pretty
personal so I would prefer to open up to some close friends, but I am
wondering if that is the best choice. He really thinks I should see a
professional who doesn’t know me. Why couldn’t my friends help?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Friends are very important and are critical in terms of social
support, but they cannot replace a professional. I don’t know what the
problem is so I can’t say for sure what you should do, but there are
some things you should know.
There are three things that are guaranteed with your psychotherapist
that cannot be promised with a friend. The first is confidentiality;
this is your legal and ethical right with a licensed psychotherapist.
Friends sometimes gossip.
The second is the education and experience of the therapist; this
brings a knowledge base that most friends will not have. A minimum
education for a master’s level therapist is six years of university and
3,000 hours of supervised experience before they can take their boards
to practice on their own.
Psychologists with a doctor of psychology have at least seven years
of education and the same number of supervised clinical hours before
taking the boards. Ph.D. psychologists often have 10 to 11 years of
university and again, the same number of hours before being able to take
boards. Psychiatrists have gone to medical school before doing a
residency in psychiatry, which is another three years.
Your friends know you as they see you through their own eyes and have
life experience, but even well educated friends who are not studied in
this field really do not have the same objectivity and ability to spot
problems the way that a therapist can.
Another reason to have a therapist over a friend, and this is really
important, is that your therapist will not have an agenda for you,
friends do. An example would be that a therapist does not care if you
marry someone, get a divorce, change jobs, or move; they are only
interested in what leads to your happiness. Friends and family often
want you to do something that (subconsciously) benefits them but may not
be best for you.
So if you have emotional or relationship problems, or perhaps just
some important decisions that you are finding difficult to make, a
therapist can provide you with confidential, educated help that is not
biased because their only desire is to help you make your best choices
and to be happy and healthy. This simply is not something that you can
expect from a friend. Even the best of friends are unlikely to have all
of these ingredients, so to speak.
The short answer is something only you really know, but here are some guidelines for when deciding to see a therapist:
• Is there something you have wanted and tried to change for awhile
now but to no avail? This might be anything from dieting, quitting
smoking or another bad habit, dealing with a relationship problem or
deciding about making changes in your career.
• Are you depressed a fair amount of the time and either do not know
why or you think you do know why but it doesn’t change anything?
• Have your loved ones or friends been concerned about you or perhaps
been angry and upset with you for things you have said or done, or for
something that you do not truly understand?
• Do you feel frightened or anxious more days than not and either do
not know why or cannot seem to change it, even if you know the reason?
A good therapist will have the right questions that will guide your
discussions in a way that you will begin to find your own answers.
Therapy is not always easy, but it does lead to relief and feeling
better about yourself and your life, if it’s done well and you and your
therapist both work together.
I say make 2013 a good year, a year you finally take on that problem
and work your way toward freedom from it. Find a therapist, pick
carefully and give it a chance: I recommend at least six sessions. If
you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere, change therapists or try
something else. I do not mean that all will be done in six sessions, it
will just give you a sense of whether you can work with this therapist
and if the discussions make sense to you. If you feel like you are on
the right tract, stick with it.
Good luck and happy new year!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and
family therapist with offices in Brentwood, Calif. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail anonymous questions and replies to newshrink@gmail.com Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does
