Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Dog house for husband
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 17, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink
I am furious with my husband because he did not give me anything for Mother's Day! Not even flowers. The kids gave me things that they had made me in school and we all went to breakfast that he paid for, but I have a 6-month-old little boy. You would think he would notice and get a clue. I am barely speaking to him and he has asked me "what is wrong?" I just say nothing or "you should know." I don't want to stay mad, how do I let this go and how do I get him to see his own behavior?
Thank you,
Very Angry
Dear Very Angry,
You are clearly very upset, which makes me wonder about a few things. First, what were you expecting for Mother's Day? Obviously, you expected something more, but why? Is it because you have received gifts from your husband in the past? Or perhaps this is what your father did with your mother? Or is it because you saw what some of your friends got and you didn't?
No pun intended, but expectation is the mother of disappointment!
Do yourself a favor and think about this, and then I think you will begin to realize that while you may feel angry, you are probably more hurt or scared. There is usually hurt or fear or both underlying anger. We prefer to get angry because it makes us feel more powerful. Do yourself a favor and try to be a little more introspective before talking to him, or worse yet, blowing up at him.
Second, what has been going on in your marriage? It is unusual to be this hurt if you are really getting along and communicating well.
Often, men get hurt and jealous when there is a new child. But mothers can get hurt too if they feel that they are not getting the support and help they need. If this is going on, but it only comes out in fighting or through sarcasm, then maybe your husband is angry and didn't want to give you a gift. Could he be angry with you for being a good mother but forgetting to be his wife? This is just something to consider. Also take into account whether you have already been angry with him before this incident occurred. Again, I don't know if you have received gifts in the past, but if you have, this might be a clue.
You mentioned that you have a 6-month-old son; there is no question that they can steal away a lot of our attention. Actually, a lot if not most of marital problems start with the first child because of the radical changes in your relationship. You are no longer a romantic dyad but now you have a triangle. Triangles are always difficult to negotiate, but with an infant negotiation is near impossible, therefore things can be really rough. You mentioned other children, so a question I have for you is how did you do with the first kids? Were there any problems in your marriage that you perhaps never resolved?
Lastly, with all due respect, I don't know of any place where it is written that a gift is expected from our husbands on Mother's Day. It really depends on the couple.
So when you write about his bad behavior, I'm unsure of what you mean. Do you mean his disappointing you, or hurting your feelings? After reflecting on what this all means to you and what you are hurt about or what your fears might be, tell him in a calm, non-accusatory way. The real secret to staying in love is communication. This is something you need to start and soon. Don't withhold from your husband; talk to him.
Finally, if you are having trouble communicating the way you know that you need to, seek couples counseling. Don't wait until it is too late and please remember that it takes two to make a relationship.
I hope this helps you let go, and to forget about changing his behavior; just start talking and see if you can't become good friends again.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Proceed with Caution when giving Fellow Parent's Advice
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 22, 2012.
http://www.smdp.com/
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I don't even know where to start but really hope that you can help me. I have a good friend who grew up with a mother who abandoned her emotionally. It seems mom was more interested in her second husband and set of kids than she was in my friend.
I have always been sympathetic and we have had many intimate discussions about personal matters. I care about her and her children, who are roughly the same age as mine and have become good friends with them.
I just cannot believe what is suddenly happening and when I try to discuss it with her she gets really angry with me. She is in total denial but she is doing exactly the same thing as her mother did.
She has two children from a prior marriage but now happily remarried and has a couple more and she is really ignoring the first two. They are both teenagers and the daughter recently had a suicide attempt and the son has been on anti-depressants.
Here is my dilemma; after the daughter's suicide attempt, the therapist involved asked that my friend come in, calling it a "family matter." My friend is angry with this and has literally said, "It is her problem, not mine and I am not going!" Meanwhile, her son came to me and said he had quit his medication.
I don't even know where to start but really hope that you can help me. I have a good friend who grew up with a mother who abandoned her emotionally. It seems mom was more interested in her second husband and set of kids than she was in my friend.
I have always been sympathetic and we have had many intimate discussions about personal matters. I care about her and her children, who are roughly the same age as mine and have become good friends with them.
I just cannot believe what is suddenly happening and when I try to discuss it with her she gets really angry with me. She is in total denial but she is doing exactly the same thing as her mother did.
She has two children from a prior marriage but now happily remarried and has a couple more and she is really ignoring the first two. They are both teenagers and the daughter recently had a suicide attempt and the son has been on anti-depressants.
Here is my dilemma; after the daughter's suicide attempt, the therapist involved asked that my friend come in, calling it a "family matter." My friend is angry with this and has literally said, "It is her problem, not mine and I am not going!" Meanwhile, her son came to me and said he had quit his medication.
I know the father and grandparents and they are very caring, but the mother has the primary custody. Should I tell them what I see going on and what the son recently told me or should I just stay out of it? My friend was so angry when I approached her the first time it truly shocked me. I don't think she will do anything about it if I approach her again.
Signed,
Very Worried and Surprised
Dear Worried and Surprised,
I am not at all surprised that you worry and are concerned. These are your children's friends and the children of a friend that you care about.
Most likely somewhere deep inside, your friend is fearful of being like her mother.
It never feels good when your children are in trouble, and to have both of them in such serious situations, she is probably extremely defensive and feeling pretty helpless.
First of all, you know that talking to her doesn't work. At least not a straight head-on confrontation of the issues. She is too defensive.
Nothing is worse than being accused of or thinking of yourself as a bad mother. Only rapists and child molesters are considered worse. We don't like bad mothers in our society and we certainly don't want to face the possibility that we might be one. Having said that, there is a chance that you only got her initial defensive reaction and that she will come around.
I would forget trying to confront her at this point. Perhaps you can just be supportive in a way that encourages her to take a more serious role with these two children. I would say use a "back door approach," if talking to her about this at all.
If you are supportive in a way that makes her feel safe to talk to you, she may come around. If you see no signs of this, I think you should definitely express your concerns to the father and grandparents for the children's sake. I realize that this might jeopardize your friendship with her, but there is a reason that this teenage boy told you that he stopped his medicine. You did not say that he said to keep it a secret, all the more reason to assume that he is reaching out for help. But even if he had, I think I would not chance suicide with these teenage kids.
If the father and grandparents care and she seems preoccupied with the new husband and children, these kids may be better off with dad.
These kids need help and you would never forgive yourself if you ignored it and one or both ended up either committing suicide or in serious trouble.
Adolescents are the most likely group to commit suicide or if not that, to begin self-medicating with drugs and maybe dying from that. They just do not have fully developed brains or the wisdom to understand what they are doing.
I think you know what you have to do and it's important that you do it. Do not wait too long; time is of the essence. But do take time to think of the most diplomatic way to go about it.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
Signed,
Very Worried and Surprised
Dear Worried and Surprised,
I am not at all surprised that you worry and are concerned. These are your children's friends and the children of a friend that you care about.
Most likely somewhere deep inside, your friend is fearful of being like her mother.
It never feels good when your children are in trouble, and to have both of them in such serious situations, she is probably extremely defensive and feeling pretty helpless.
First of all, you know that talking to her doesn't work. At least not a straight head-on confrontation of the issues. She is too defensive.
Nothing is worse than being accused of or thinking of yourself as a bad mother. Only rapists and child molesters are considered worse. We don't like bad mothers in our society and we certainly don't want to face the possibility that we might be one. Having said that, there is a chance that you only got her initial defensive reaction and that she will come around.
I would forget trying to confront her at this point. Perhaps you can just be supportive in a way that encourages her to take a more serious role with these two children. I would say use a "back door approach," if talking to her about this at all.
If you are supportive in a way that makes her feel safe to talk to you, she may come around. If you see no signs of this, I think you should definitely express your concerns to the father and grandparents for the children's sake. I realize that this might jeopardize your friendship with her, but there is a reason that this teenage boy told you that he stopped his medicine. You did not say that he said to keep it a secret, all the more reason to assume that he is reaching out for help. But even if he had, I think I would not chance suicide with these teenage kids.
If the father and grandparents care and she seems preoccupied with the new husband and children, these kids may be better off with dad.
These kids need help and you would never forgive yourself if you ignored it and one or both ended up either committing suicide or in serious trouble.
Adolescents are the most likely group to commit suicide or if not that, to begin self-medicating with drugs and maybe dying from that. They just do not have fully developed brains or the wisdom to understand what they are doing.
I think you know what you have to do and it's important that you do it. Do not wait too long; time is of the essence. But do take time to think of the most diplomatic way to go about it.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Concerns about Jealous Type
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 8, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was supposed to hang out with a male co-worker — truly just friends — last Saturday night. But my long-distance boyfriend surprised me and showed up over the weekend. I didn't think much about it but my other co-workers said his motive was either protective or jealous. At what point is jealousy unhealthy and at what point is it natural? Where is the line drawn?
Signed,
Better at controlling this then he is
Dear Better,
Jealously, as we think of it, is a natural instinct at times. It may serve to inform or protect those we care about and ourselves. But when it is acute or chronic, there is nothing healthy about it.
Normal is a term that comes from statistics. If it falls within the bell curve, meaning that most people do it, it becomes normal. This is not the same as healthy, although many issues are defined this way. Just as an example, we have an epidemic of obesity in our country right now, not sure it has become the norm but it certainly is not healthy.
So let's talk about healthy and what jealousy actually is. Jealousy is either a quick instinct that is protective or it comes from an anxious attachment.
First of all, do you think your boyfriend meant to truly surprise you or did he know you were hanging out with your co-worker? If it was a real surprise, then I don't think we should label it as jealousy. It is actually curious to me how your co-workers determined this about your boyfriend, an outsider?
When we are in relationships, males are protective when it comes to other men, especially when they don't know them. Boys will be boys and they can barely help it with that powerful testosterone running through their veins.
There are many men that believe that opposite sexes cannot be just friends, unless of course one is gay. I disagree because over the years I have had a number of male friends that I shared intellectual and work-related interests with and nothing ever happened. We are still friends to this day. Yet we still need to be careful, especially when we are young.
In relationships, we have a tendency to think "she is mine or he is mine" and we do protect that which is ours. Having said that, no one belongs to anyone; that kind of thinking is unhealthy for sure.
Real jealously comes from anxiety in your attachment. To secure the relationship, communication about these kinds of things is key. You need a heart-to-heart talk so that you are open, honest and clear with each other and hopefully can and will learn to trust each other. Relationships do not work out well if the trust isn't there.
Now a lack of trust is not exactly the same as jealously, but there is a relationship. Anxious attachment comes from insecurity and fear of loss. Your boyfriend, if he is jealous, may bring this anxious attachment to the relationship. If he did not have a secure relationship with his family growing up he will be insecure in relationships that are important to him.
It is unfortunate that we often judge people as clingy or dependent or even obnoxious and call them jealous types when what they really have is insecure attachment. Building trust will help, but he may need some counseling around this particular issue in order to resolve it because it will continue to get in his way or spoil his relations.
Finally, to answer your question more specifically, try a heart-to-heart talk and building some trust with your boyfriend if he is really important to you.
How much is too much jealously, as you put it, comes down to how much you can endure. There is no blueprint for relationships. It all depends on the people involved. How much can you take?
Also, a little self-examination is in order to make sure you are not bringing it on so that you can feel more important or secure. As they say, it takes two to tango and you did say that you are better at "controlling it?" Be sure your side of the street is clean.
If you can't build the trust that requires both of you, and one of you is suffering from anxious attachment, get some professional help.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was supposed to hang out with a male co-worker — truly just friends — last Saturday night. But my long-distance boyfriend surprised me and showed up over the weekend. I didn't think much about it but my other co-workers said his motive was either protective or jealous. At what point is jealousy unhealthy and at what point is it natural? Where is the line drawn?
Signed,
Better at controlling this then he is
Dear Better,
Jealously, as we think of it, is a natural instinct at times. It may serve to inform or protect those we care about and ourselves. But when it is acute or chronic, there is nothing healthy about it.
Normal is a term that comes from statistics. If it falls within the bell curve, meaning that most people do it, it becomes normal. This is not the same as healthy, although many issues are defined this way. Just as an example, we have an epidemic of obesity in our country right now, not sure it has become the norm but it certainly is not healthy.
So let's talk about healthy and what jealousy actually is. Jealousy is either a quick instinct that is protective or it comes from an anxious attachment.
First of all, do you think your boyfriend meant to truly surprise you or did he know you were hanging out with your co-worker? If it was a real surprise, then I don't think we should label it as jealousy. It is actually curious to me how your co-workers determined this about your boyfriend, an outsider?
When we are in relationships, males are protective when it comes to other men, especially when they don't know them. Boys will be boys and they can barely help it with that powerful testosterone running through their veins.
There are many men that believe that opposite sexes cannot be just friends, unless of course one is gay. I disagree because over the years I have had a number of male friends that I shared intellectual and work-related interests with and nothing ever happened. We are still friends to this day. Yet we still need to be careful, especially when we are young.
In relationships, we have a tendency to think "she is mine or he is mine" and we do protect that which is ours. Having said that, no one belongs to anyone; that kind of thinking is unhealthy for sure.
Real jealously comes from anxiety in your attachment. To secure the relationship, communication about these kinds of things is key. You need a heart-to-heart talk so that you are open, honest and clear with each other and hopefully can and will learn to trust each other. Relationships do not work out well if the trust isn't there.
Now a lack of trust is not exactly the same as jealously, but there is a relationship. Anxious attachment comes from insecurity and fear of loss. Your boyfriend, if he is jealous, may bring this anxious attachment to the relationship. If he did not have a secure relationship with his family growing up he will be insecure in relationships that are important to him.
It is unfortunate that we often judge people as clingy or dependent or even obnoxious and call them jealous types when what they really have is insecure attachment. Building trust will help, but he may need some counseling around this particular issue in order to resolve it because it will continue to get in his way or spoil his relations.
Finally, to answer your question more specifically, try a heart-to-heart talk and building some trust with your boyfriend if he is really important to you.
How much is too much jealously, as you put it, comes down to how much you can endure. There is no blueprint for relationships. It all depends on the people involved. How much can you take?
Also, a little self-examination is in order to make sure you are not bringing it on so that you can feel more important or secure. As they say, it takes two to tango and you did say that you are better at "controlling it?" Be sure your side of the street is clean.
If you can't build the trust that requires both of you, and one of you is suffering from anxious attachment, get some professional help.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Making Friends
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press, Feb. 23, 2012
Dear New Shrink,
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I can make more friends. I only have one good friend, a girlfriend. But not only would I like more girlfriends, I would also like to have friends of the opposite sex. How do I make them, where do people go to find them in this town?
Signed,
Not Enough
I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I can make more friends. I only have one good friend, a girlfriend. But not only would I like more girlfriends, I would also like to have friends of the opposite sex. How do I make them, where do people go to find them in this town?
Signed,
Not Enough
Dear Not Enough,
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard about the difficulty of making friends in Los Angeles. I am not sure what it is. Perhaps our diversity, while a great thing, creates more cliques. Then there is the urban layout which makes it inconvenient to connect with friends in other areas. And of course, many people now feel that they have more friends than they really do through Internet connections like Facebook. Whatever the reason, you are not alone.
Most people make friends through their work, school, church or a common interest. If you play a sport, stay with it and reach out to the others you may end up playing with, whether it's volleyball on the beach, golf, tennis or basketball at local community centers.
If you tend toward religion, join a church or temple and participate in the activities there. Be sure to let the pastor or rabbi know that you are new.
If you are still in school, join some clubs. If you graduated, connect with alumni if possible.
Living in Santa Monica can be a blessing for meeting friends. If you are physically active you can meet people walking the Fourth Street stairs, rollerblading or riding bikes on the beach.
It sounds like you are not married yet, but if you do marry or form a permanent union and if you have children, you will meet and connect with other parents through your children.
There are actually many different ways to meet people in Los Angeles, you just need to be willing to get out and do it and you need to have patience.
Friendships are rarely made overnight. They generally take time and we usually get to know someone through something that we share.
Whether it's work, training or degree program, a sport or a religion, we generally become close to someone through the sharing of an activity. And it takes time. Be prepared to reach out, but take baby steps; don't come on too strong. If you have enough in common and the chemistry is there, it will happen naturally.
Now if you seem to be too shy and are hoping that others come to you or if you have sincerely tried some of the things that I have mentioned and nothing seems to work, then there just might be something in your interpersonal approach that would be worth exploring. Group therapy is excellent for this and you can find it through the American Psychological Association Therapist Locator or the California or Los Angeles Psychological Association. There is also the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists or perhaps you might look into Psychology Today's web site and search "Group Therapy."
If you feel comfortable with and around people and they seem to respond favorably to you, then my best recommendation is to start doing something you really like and are truly interested in. Volunteer, join a hiking group or go to Meet Up where you can find hundreds of different groups with special interests that you might like. Just do it and making friends will happen naturally over time.
If you care about the upcoming elections, whatever your party, there will soon be many volunteer opportunities to promote your candidate and that can be a great way to make friends of both sexes.
Now with the opposite sex friends, you will definitely need a common interest such as this that clearly differentiates a sexual interest from a friendship interest. There can be a lot of hesitancy in this regard if it is not clear and there is not a good reason for friendship.
Along these thoughts, I would avoid bars or gyms for the purpose of making friends. They are often pick-up places or people go there to seriously workout or drink.
The bottom line is to get involved with something that you are truly interested in and then give it time. And don't reject anyone unless they really bother you. You never know who will introduce you to others that you may really like.
Good luck!
If you tend toward religion, join a church or temple and participate in the activities there. Be sure to let the pastor or rabbi know that you are new.
If you are still in school, join some clubs. If you graduated, connect with alumni if possible.
Living in Santa Monica can be a blessing for meeting friends. If you are physically active you can meet people walking the Fourth Street stairs, rollerblading or riding bikes on the beach.
It sounds like you are not married yet, but if you do marry or form a permanent union and if you have children, you will meet and connect with other parents through your children.
There are actually many different ways to meet people in Los Angeles, you just need to be willing to get out and do it and you need to have patience.
Friendships are rarely made overnight. They generally take time and we usually get to know someone through something that we share.
Whether it's work, training or degree program, a sport or a religion, we generally become close to someone through the sharing of an activity. And it takes time. Be prepared to reach out, but take baby steps; don't come on too strong. If you have enough in common and the chemistry is there, it will happen naturally.
Now if you seem to be too shy and are hoping that others come to you or if you have sincerely tried some of the things that I have mentioned and nothing seems to work, then there just might be something in your interpersonal approach that would be worth exploring. Group therapy is excellent for this and you can find it through the American Psychological Association Therapist Locator or the California or Los Angeles Psychological Association. There is also the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists or perhaps you might look into Psychology Today's web site and search "Group Therapy."
If you feel comfortable with and around people and they seem to respond favorably to you, then my best recommendation is to start doing something you really like and are truly interested in. Volunteer, join a hiking group or go to Meet Up where you can find hundreds of different groups with special interests that you might like. Just do it and making friends will happen naturally over time.
If you care about the upcoming elections, whatever your party, there will soon be many volunteer opportunities to promote your candidate and that can be a great way to make friends of both sexes.
Now with the opposite sex friends, you will definitely need a common interest such as this that clearly differentiates a sexual interest from a friendship interest. There can be a lot of hesitancy in this regard if it is not clear and there is not a good reason for friendship.
Along these thoughts, I would avoid bars or gyms for the purpose of making friends. They are often pick-up places or people go there to seriously workout or drink.
The bottom line is to get involved with something that you are truly interested in and then give it time. And don't reject anyone unless they really bother you. You never know who will introduce you to others that you may really like.
Good luck!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Knowing if you’ve found Mr. or Mrs. Right
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on February 09, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I am becoming increasing nervous because I not only have a feeling but also have been secretly told that my boyfriend is about to propose to me.
I am very attracted to and involved with him and am not even sure why I am so nervous. But I have this thought that haunts me, "how is it that you know when you have found your right partner?" For me it is a very serious commitment and while I love him how can I be sure that he is the one that is truly right for me? How do I know that he is that one special one that I should spend my whole life with?
Signed,
Serious
Dear Serious,
This is a very important issue and question so I am happy for you that you know so too.
With divorce rates so high, it behooves you to ask yourself the right questions and think deeply about your choices.
Unfortunately, love is not enough. We often are very attracted to someone and even believe we are in love, but falling out of it comes far too easily if you don't have all the right ingredients.
There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First of all, there is what I refer to as the three Cs: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. I also highly recommend that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal but something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political, it might be fighting for the right to bare arms or it could be saving the environment. Having that one thing that you both share and are passionate about can see you through the rough times.
Next, make sure your partner is someone with character that you like, admire and respect. This is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along going forward. So in making your decision, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?
Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't think you will change it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need. The secret of staying in love is communication.
There is a saying that you don't really know that you have a relationship until you get through your first argument. Being able to fight and fight fairly is critical to an ongoing healthy relationship. So open up and see what is there, if you haven't done so already. But remember to always fight fair.
Don't get me wrong, these are hard things to do, but they should be your goal and if you work at it you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and the storms and inherent conflict of a relationship.
Lastly, be still and listen to your heart. Trust your intuition. If it is not right or if it is too soon, your boyfriend should understand because it is in his best interest as well. If you cannot manage this, you may have good reason for your anxiety.
Honesty does truly set us free. They say you will know when you find the right one. I think this is true if you are open, honest and trust your feelings.
Good luck!
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I am becoming increasing nervous because I not only have a feeling but also have been secretly told that my boyfriend is about to propose to me.
I am very attracted to and involved with him and am not even sure why I am so nervous. But I have this thought that haunts me, "how is it that you know when you have found your right partner?" For me it is a very serious commitment and while I love him how can I be sure that he is the one that is truly right for me? How do I know that he is that one special one that I should spend my whole life with?
Signed,
Serious
Dear Serious,
This is a very important issue and question so I am happy for you that you know so too.
With divorce rates so high, it behooves you to ask yourself the right questions and think deeply about your choices.
Unfortunately, love is not enough. We often are very attracted to someone and even believe we are in love, but falling out of it comes far too easily if you don't have all the right ingredients.
There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First of all, there is what I refer to as the three Cs: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. I also highly recommend that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal but something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political, it might be fighting for the right to bare arms or it could be saving the environment. Having that one thing that you both share and are passionate about can see you through the rough times.
Next, make sure your partner is someone with character that you like, admire and respect. This is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along going forward. So in making your decision, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?
Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't think you will change it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need. The secret of staying in love is communication.
There is a saying that you don't really know that you have a relationship until you get through your first argument. Being able to fight and fight fairly is critical to an ongoing healthy relationship. So open up and see what is there, if you haven't done so already. But remember to always fight fair.
Don't get me wrong, these are hard things to do, but they should be your goal and if you work at it you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and the storms and inherent conflict of a relationship.
Lastly, be still and listen to your heart. Trust your intuition. If it is not right or if it is too soon, your boyfriend should understand because it is in his best interest as well. If you cannot manage this, you may have good reason for your anxiety.
Honesty does truly set us free. They say you will know when you find the right one. I think this is true if you are open, honest and trust your feelings.
Good luck!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Marriages Ending Badly
Why Do So Many Marriages end badly and so quickly?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I am engaged and in the process of planning my wedding. Most of my friends have already gotten married but a number of them also have already split up. Some of them have young children that they are already arguing over. It’s really sad.
I just don’t understand it and it worries me for myself.
Signed,
Worried about marriage
Dear Worried,
Great question and I hope to be helpful. Unfortunately it is true, at least here in the US and in North America; close to half of all first marriages end in divorce and there are even higher rates of divorce for second and third marriages.
Divorces are more likely in the young i.e., those who marry before the age of 25. They are still high but decline in percentage between ages 25-30 and the rates go way down after the age 30.
In our country there is no question that for most people, there is a great deal more maturity after 25 and then certainly after 30. We are generally much more aware of what we want in our late twenties and early thirties. Actually, our brains don’t even stop growing until age 25.
So I would say that part of the problem is that it is easy to fall in love especially when we are young but it is not so easy to stay in love. We call it “falling” into love because that is what it is, a falling into something. However, when the dust settles and we are faced with the realities of what we are, who are partners are and the differences and problems that exist in all relationships, the only easy falling is out.
It is now time for work, building a relationship that will work for both partners and can sustain the ebb and flow that always occurs in a relationship.
This work seems so difficult for us to do. We have become use to getting what we want; having instant results and answers and also, divorce has become okay with many of us. It no longer carries the stigma that is use to do.
We are not taking the time to develop our patience, our characters and to really work on the problems that face us. We are use to the Internet and finding quick solutions and easy answers. But relationships are different because as human beings we are complex, have feelings and relationships require process. They are inheritantly conflictual, they not ever going to be instant and easy.
We can make them easier by taking marriage seriously and doing some premarital counseling. This is a short term, maybe six to eight session work that examines our internalized views of family and our role expectations for our partners and ourselves. For example, we usually have ideas about what makes a good wife and what makes for a good husband. There are two sets of expectations making for the possibility of very different ideas about what is right or wrong.
In premarital work, you figure out what these expectations are and how closely they match. If they don’t, then you have the opportunity to work it out in advance or perhaps you decide you are not as well suited for each other as you thought.
It is easy to talk about goals and feelings and what you want going forward. But who will take out the trash, which one will be responsible for the social calendar, the bills, meals and the many things that go with having children is not something most folks think about or work out in advance. There can be some very hurt feelings and big resentments when things don’t go as expected.
Working this out in advance may not sound very romantic but it definitely can save a lot of heartache down the road.
There is another thing to note and that is while there are more divorces among the childless, it is with the birth of the first child that a lot of marital problems begin. This is because we go from being a romantic dyad to a triangle. Triangles are difficult to negotiate and infants cannot be negotiated. The relationship that we have become accustom to changes and if we are not prepared for it, dads can feel left out, hurt and angry and look for solace elsewhere e.g., in work, drinking or an affair. Moms can easily feel abandoned if their husbands are suddenly not as available when they need them the most. Often couples start fighting and don’t even know what they are fighting about. Lack of sleep does help but the point is that if they don’t start talking and figure it out, they are headed for a fall into the divorce pool.
Good News is that this can all be prevented with education, a thorough understanding of what can happen and ideally, some quick helpful premarital counseling.
Good Luck with your wedding and marriage.
Is Pot Causing My Son to be a Deadbeat
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My husband and I are very worried about our son. He is in his mid twenties, has had an excellent education but all that he seems to be interested in is staying up late to play video games and sleeping until noon. He hasn’t gotten a job, doesn’t even look for one; he also doesn’t seem to be interested in having a girlfriend. Actually, he seems interested in very little.
We have been told that he smokes marijuana every day but he denies it. We both think that we have smelled it.
We realize that we are probably enabling him by allowing him to stay in our home but at the same time, the job market is bad and we are terribly worried about what will happen if we ask him to leave.
He simply does not seem capable of taking care of himself. This by the way is very different from the teenage son we use to have. Everything about him seems very different.
Can you tell us how to know if marijuana is causing this? What should we be doing if it is?
Signed,
Worried Parents
Dear Worried Parents,
I am sorry to say that you should be worried but there are some things that you can do.
I can’t say for sure that your son is smoking marijuana but he sure fits the profile. Marijuana is very easy to obtain, many people think that it is benign and most young people are trying it and many are using it regularly.
Marijuana is much stronger than it use to be and it has a very long half life which is the number of hours or days that the drug is still in your system. It also stores in the fat cells, so daily users are really stoned all of the time whether they realize it or not.
Everything you said about your son is consistent with what can happen with regular marijuana use. Contrary to popular opinion, it is addictive. Addiction means difficulty with controlling drug use (or a behavior) and not being able to stop even though it is interfering with one’s life.
There is documented proof that many regular long-term users experience a withdrawal syndrome of irritability, anxiety, sleeping problems and craving. Fifteen percent (15%) of people entering drug treatment say that marijuana is their drug of choice.
Marijuana is linked with several very disturbing mental health problems. There is strong evidence suggesting that it can lead to psychosis or a brief psychotic episode that gradually fades away when the drug is withdrawn.
Research has shown definite negative effects on attention; memory and learning all of which can last for days or weeks after the acute effects wear off. There is really no question that regular users are impaired in their daily functioning.
This is not to say that marijuana is bad in general or for all people. I am not talking about occasional social or recreational use of marijuana. Generally, it is the regular users of it that experience the negative effects and are at increased risk for psychosis, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety or personality disturbances. Of course, like alcohol, marijuana is very intoxicating and no one should drive under its influence.
One of the longest standing concerns about marijuana has been with what is known as “amotivational syndrome,” which is a diminished or absent drive to participate in what would typically be rewarding experiences. Along with reduced intellectual ability and the cognitive impairment associated with regular use, it is no surprise that many of these people have less educational accomplishments, lower incomes and far lower career achievements.
The good news is that you can do something for your son. You can take him to your family physician to be tested or there are over the counter drug tests that are very reliable. If he is using regularly and cannot stop, it would clearly explain the behavior you are worried about. You son may need help to quit and get started up again with a normal life.
There are treatment programs and there are addiction specialists that can help him if he can’t help himself. Some physicians or psychiatrists that specialize in addiction medicine may prescribe some temporary medications to help him detoxify. There are also groups and 12-Step Programs for marijuana users.
If what you are seeing and thinking is correct, your son most likely needs help. And enabling him will not help him. There is something in between putting him out vs. continuing to support him while looking the other way.
Find out what is truly going on and do something about it.
Best of Luck!
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