Originally posted
in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 24, 2013
Dear Life Matters,
I recently got news
that my father is very ill and I am not handling it well at all. I find myself
in complete denial and shock because somehow, even at my age, I am not prepared
to lose my parents.
I am single and
have no children. I think in some way I am still living as if I am a young
person and the “child” of my parents. Suddenly I am realizing my age, how fast
time passes and how empty my life is in some ways. I have a great career and I
do have a long-time lover, but my life will be really empty without my parents
and I feel like I cannot face it. I am already feeling like an orphan.
What is the best
way for me to cope with this? I have been advised to visit my father as soon as
possible because his condition is terminal. This would be a rather big trip for
me and I definitely would have to take time off and make arrangements.
I keep thinking
that it can wait, that he might recover, that he doesn’t sound so bad on the
phone and, quite frankly, I am terrified of how I will react if I see him. But I want to do what is right, whatever
is best for him and for me.
What do you think?
Signed,
Middle-aged and
scared
Dear Scared,
I am sorry for your
dilemma and the imminent loss of your father. Loss is always painful for all of
us, no matter who we are or when it occurs.
But there is
definitely something to say about the cycle of life and when or why it feels
natural at certain times and not at others.
I think you bring
up a very important point, whether you know it or not.
You say that you
are not married and do not have children. What you are saying is that you have
not lived what we have come to know as a conventional family life here in
America. I think that this may be part of the reason that you are having such a
hard time.
There is a natural
cycle of life that, albeit painful to all, is more acceptable and easy to deal
with when loss feels natural.
We know, for
example, that anyone who has lost a child finds it virtually impossible to get
over it. A big part of the reason is clearly that it is so unnatural, so outside
the normal cycle of life.
We expect to deal
with the death of our parents at some point and this is hard enough, but when
loss occurs outside of the normal cycle, it is exceptionally difficult to deal
with. You, like a number of folks these days, are without a family and I
believe that this makes the cycle seem less natural.
If you had
children, and a family of your own, you would feel and see the natural cycle of
things. You would also still have a family, even when the elders pass.
But if you do not
have this family continuity, the emptiness is not only more obvious, but also
more profound. Your loss comes not only as a painful surprise, but it is
probably one that has not been anticipated or planned for because you have no
family of your own, no continuation of the family.
This is regretful
and something many people have to deal with these days because without
children, grandchildren and a normal cycle of life, a parent’s passing will
probably be more painful.
You cannot change
your circumstances, but, to answer your question, the best way for you to deal
with it is to face it and deal with it directly. We handle things that we are
mentally prepared for better, an advantage that those with families and the
expected normal cycle of life have, but you can begin to prepare yourself for
what is normal by embracing what is going to happen, whether you feel prepared
for it or not.
Your friends or
advisors are correct; you should definitely prepare to go visit your father and
the sooner the better. You will be very sorry if the unthinkable happens and
you have not seen him and said your goodbyes.
The people who deal with loss the
best are those who have prepared themselves and have said their goodbyes. Also,
if there is any unfinished business, keep in mind that emotional closure is
very important as well. Once someone is gone, you can no longer go back and
finish things. Do it now, while you still can.
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