Dear Life Matters,
I recently remarried and I am hoping
you can help me help my new husband. Years ago he was diagnosed with
post-traumatic stress disorder. He had counseling, but it doesn’t seem to have
helped him. And something that I really do not understand is that his
experience from the war is years ago; he is a Vietnam veteran!
About once a week he wakes up from
some nightmare, screaming and tossing around with a crazed look in his eyes.
It’s very frightening. I actually am worried for my own safety. In those few
minutes I am not sure that he even knows that I am there.
I not only feel sorry for him, I
worry for myself because it feels so dangerous at those times. I never realized
this before we married and began living together, which is almost a year ago
now. He also seems really isolated and seems to have pushed most of his friends
away.
So I have three concerns: how to deal
with my own fear, the effect on our marriage and his pain.
It really has become a problem for me
and any suggestions you have would be most appreciated.
Signed,
Scared
Dear Scared,
This definitely sounds frightening. I
would like to start with your specific problem and then move to the issue of
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in general.
This has got to be really scary for
you because it is new to you and apparently not something you really noticed or
knew about during your courtship.
The good news is that he has not hurt
you or mistaken you for an enemy for the year that you have been living
together and while I cannot promise you anything, it looks like you are going
to be safe and that it is a matter of managing your own fear and then, with any
luck at all, getting him some treatment that is more appropriate for him and
his condition.
Not all PTSD is alike; it does not
always come from the same kind of thing as in war nor does it manifest itself
in the same way for everyone.
He probably would tell you that the
counseling he got was helpful to him and it probably was, but it just did not
go far enough.
Your husband sounds as if he may
disassociate, a condition where he splits off from himself and in a surreal way
he is reliving the trauma just like you describe it.
This kind of experience requires a
very specific type of help with a trauma specialist. These are licensed
psychotherapists, but they have specialized training to help someone like your
husband. Look for someone who is certified in EMDR and/or specializes in trauma
and disassociation. Make sure that the therapist has the right credentials. Do
not take their word for it, look it up or ask to see the licenses and certification.
PTSD from war is horrible. Can you
even imagine being in a war zone, every day having to worry for your life and
actually not only losing, but also seeing some of your friends die? I think it
is really too much to even contemplate, but while war veterans are definitely
traumatized, not all develop PTSD. For those that do, there are new and very
effective treatments.
Also, war is not the only source of
trauma to cause PTSD. Anyone who has experienced a life-threatening event,
either to himself or herself or a loved one, is at risk. Physical and/or
emotional trauma can cause it as well.
Adults who grew up as children of
alcoholics or in homes with domestic violence are at high risk for developing
it. Also survivors of sexual abuse, rape or incest will almost always have some
aftermath in the form of PTSD.
Some of the more common symptoms of
it are: hypervigilance, an exaggerated startle response and avoidance of
people, places or things, even conversations that might be a reminder of the
trauma, or extreme distress at anything that reminds him or her of the trauma;
persistent exaggerated negative beliefs about themselves and others; feelings
of estrangement or detachment from others (you mentioned this about your
husband with his friends); reckless or self-destructive behavior; substance
abuse, problems with concentration and sleep disturbance and an overall
depressed mood.
Those who are fortunate have
immediate debriefing and counseling and are less likely to develop PTSD. But
while we now know to do this with school-aged children, for example counselors
rush in after a school shooting, with most traumas, like war, there is no time
for something like this. In the cases of childhood abuse, domestic violence or
sexual abuse, often the victims are afraid to speak up or have no one to turn
to. It is often years later that it comes to light when the victim finally
feels safe.
Getting help is better late than
never.
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