Originally posted
in the Santa Monica Daily Press September 26, 2013
Dear Life Matters,
I am struggling to
understand why the friends I have had for years, and some family, who have
always professed their love and support for me are suddenly pulling away from
me. I never hear from them or at least not very often. I am no longer invited
to many of the same social gatherings, but even worse, when I do see them they
seem to make critical comments every chance they get. These comments are
usually in the form of a joke, but they are no joke and they are always
sarcastic, which really stings.
Some of my other
friends say that it is because they are embarrassed or ashamed of their own bad
habits and my quitting mine just highlights theirs.
Whatever the case
may be, I feel very hurt and rejected.
Signed,
Confused and Sad
Dear Confused,
Well, this
definitely begs the question of, “What bad habits?”
Given that you have
written to me, I am thinking that they might have been some unhealthy addictive
behaviors. Whether it is drinking, smoking, doing drugs, gambling, or a
shopping or sexual addiction, what else could be so bad for you that would, at
the same time, cause your longtime friends to back off or change their view of
you? If this has been the case, the obvious answer would be that they did these
things with you and while you have stopped, they are still doing them.
Your “other”
friends may very well be correct. It’s a good guess that some of your friends
are distancing themselves from you because they are ashamed or embarrassed by
their own destructive behaviors and your quitting makes them more aware of what
their bad habits are.
With addictive
behaviors, when someone stops or gets clean, their partners in crime really
feel uncomfortable and will either try to sabotage the new behavior or get away
from that person. Usually, they try to sabotage them by pointing out how silly
or lame the person is while making fun of the newly found sobriety. If and when
that doesn’t work, then they will back off because the newly clean person
becomes like a mirror, making them look at themselves, which can be difficult.
While this rejection might hurt you, in the end you will be better off without
them and you will not miss them.
Beyond addictions,
it is also true that a group’s cohesiveness is dependent on a common bond. So
anyone who begins to deviate from the group’s norm becomes a threat to the
group and they will be made to feel like they are doing something wrong. If
they cannot be persuaded to come back into the fold, they will be rejected. It
is necessary for the group’s survival and is not necessarily a conscious kind
of thing.
An example of this
might be that you decide to go back to school and all your other friends are
dropouts and make fun of school. Or perhaps you decide that you want to become
part of a religious group and you and your friends have always been atheists.
Or maybe you have been a workaholic and decide you are going to try to take it
easy for a while. Anything that goes against the group norm will be considered
deviant and the person doing it will be made to feel it.
So, whether you are
going against your family’s values and are being judged or you decide that you
want to do or be something different from what your group is about, you will be
deviating from that group and they will try to pull you back in or, if that
doesn’t work, reject you. It’s just the way it is.
It really isn’t
even personal and if you can step back from it far enough, you will see it for
what it is worth.
I don’t know what
your case entails, but what I have said here is true. So if you are taking
better care of yourself and your old friends don’t like it, so be it. Don’t let
them drag you down.
Hopefully, this sheds a little bit of
light on this and makes you feel better.
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