Originally posted
in the Santa Monica Daily Press August 22, 2013
Dear Life Matters,
I am seriously
worried about my brother who has mentioned suicide a couple of times now. He
has been depressed, but he is also very irritable and agitated. He actually
makes it difficult for us to be nice to him sometimes. I don’t know if he is
just mad about something and wanting to upset us or if he might be really
suicidal. I don’t know what to do.
Signed, Worried
Dear Worried,
I think you should
take this serious and that we should always take someone serious when they
threaten suicide. If it were in a context of joking, maybe not, but I would
still pay attention to see if it is said again or if you notice anything
different or unusual about the person. In this case you do.
I think a lot of
people tend to blow off these kind of comments because they can’t deal with the
thought of it themselves, or it is simply too hard to believe, but suicide is a
very real thing and it happens more than it should.
You speak about
“us,” so it sounds to me like your brother might be young and you are still
living with your parents or family. If I am correct, it might be interesting
for you to note that young people in their late adolescence think about suicide
more often than any other age group. And it is the second leading cause of
death for young people between the ages of 18 and 25. So, as you can see, we
really do need to take it seriously.
The good news is
that most people who consider suicide or become actively suicidal do not
completely want to die. More likely than not they are divided between wanting
to live and wanting to die and even then the part of them that wants to die
really wants to kill off some kind of inner emotional pain. Examples of this
type of pain might be powerful feelings of shame or humiliation, self- hatred,
feelings of hopelessness, rejection and not belonging or feeling like a burden
to others. If you hear your brother talking like this, you and your family
should get him help as soon as possible.
A psychotherapist
that knows how to deal with suicide will help him see his divided self and
focus on constructive ways to rid him of these powerful negative thoughts. Many
suicidal people are helped when caught in time because deep down they do not
want to die. We want to appeal to the part of him that wants to live.
Other clues that a
person may be suicidal include some that you have already mentioned: agitation,
irritability, pushing people away, isolating, low tolerance for frustration,
disturbed sleep and alcohol and drug abuse.
People who are most
at risk are those who have unresolved trauma, have an alcohol or drug problem,
or suffer from a mood disorder or mental health issue. You may suspect any of
these things, but a professional should be the one to determine if it is true.
Your brother is
lucky to have a sister like you and hopefully a family who takes him seriously
and truly cares about how he is feeling. People who are alone and feeling completely
isolated are at the most risk for completed suicides.
You might want to
call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273- 8255. They can give
you more information and help you to find an appropriate therapist for your
brother.
Also, bring in your
family and any close friends who truly care and are willing to help. You are
most likely feeling helpless, but you really can help by building support, supporting
the side that wants to live, allowing him to vent his negative feelings so that
they have less power over him, but most of all, getting him the professional
help he needs. Never agree to keep it a secret or hold it in confidence for
someone. That would be very bad for you and for any suicidal person.
I want to end on a
positive note by saying again that not all of him wants to die. There is a side
to appeal to, just don’t try it alone.
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