Orginally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 3, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I am going through the worst time of my life trying to decide what to do.
I cannot even believe it, but I am pregnant. The situation is far from ideal for having a baby, but I really am wondering what it all means to have an abortion, what the risks are and whether or not I will be sorry afterwards. I would understand it if I were more religious, but I really am not. I just feel really scared and overwhelmed.
This is the last thing I expected because I really believed our method of protecting ourselves from this was a good one. My boyfriend supports me either way, or so he says.
Can you please just shed some light on the issue? I am hoping that it will help me decide while I am still early in the pregnancy.
Signed,
Sorry and worried
Dear Sorry and Worried,
I am really glad you wrote in regarding this issue of abortion and I know it must be difficult to discuss. Many women who have them tell very few, some none at all. Perhaps it is largely due to the sociopolitical climate these days, but my experience is that is goes way back to the days when it was theoretically accepted.
Over the years, I have worked with a number of women who have had abortions. Sometimes I am the only one to know. Not even the father is told; other times he is the only one to know.
The reactions to abortion vary and are often surprising to the women who have them. Sometimes it is actually the women who say that they are religious (not suggesting that they are not) who are the most relieved and move on quickly following an abortion. But more often than not, it is the women who say that they are OK with it, who are thinking mostly about the practical aspects of it and choose to do it because they think that it will bring relief, who suffer the most.
The statistics show that there are over 1 million abortions performed every year in the United States and that one in three women have an abortion before the age of 45.
Physically, if done by a doctor and in the first trimester, you should be absolutely fine. Very few women have complications or are injured in any way.
Some women, however, cannot afford an abortion so they try unorthodox methods to achieve it. This can be extremely dangerous.
But as a psychologist, it is the emotional consequences that I am concerned with. Few women really consider this before doing it. They tend to make the decision because they feel the pressure to do so and are considering only what they believe to be the practical aspects. The practical aspects can be very important and I would be the last to discount that piece of it. But it is very important to balance it out by thinking of the emotional aftermath. I have seen so many women who were very sad and often feeling very guilty after the fact. I have heard everything from "what if I never can have another child?" to "I can't believe I killed my baby."
I think it speaks for itself, but I have to say that it is extremely important that you consider who you are, what you are likely to feel afterwards and what coping mechanisms you have.
Are you prone to depression or substance abuse? Do you tend to be hard on yourself? Are you prone to feeling guilty or regretting some of your decisions because you made them in haste or under pressure?
I have seen women go into serious depression. I have seen others who feel spiritually guilty and it eats at their souls for months, or often years. I have also seen women who came to me for substance abuse that started with an abortion that they really were not prepared to have.
But as I said, some women move through it with barely a breeze.
I am not taking a position here other than to say you really need to think it through before making a decision. Think about who you are and how you are likely to feel afterwards. If you can't sort it out from the pressure you feel, you should seek some brief counseling to make sure you are doing what is truly best for you.
Lastly, you say you thought you had a good method of birth control. I cannot tell you how many women have said this to me over the years.
To avoid this terrible dilemma, perhaps it is time to make sure we are either on birth control or have the morning after pill or know our boundaries and limits. As women we need to be more aware of this, what it all really means and to understand what we are up against.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Lingering divorce creates dilemma on Father's Day
Orginally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 14, 2012
I am having a terrible family problem that I hope you can advise me on. I can't afford a therapist right now, but really wish that I could.
To give you a somewhat complete picture, I am a Santa Monica College student about to transfer to a university and for now live with my mother. My parents divorced when I was just starting high school and it was and still is ugly. My two older brothers got out of here a while ago; in fact one has already graduated law school.
My problem is that I want to spend Father's Day with my father, but this will really upset my mother. She divorced him when she found out that he was having an affair with a woman on the East Coast during his business travels. He pleaded with her and wanted to go to counseling, but she declined and still has not forgiven him. She wants us, my brothers and I, to hate him the way she does.
My brothers just ignore her, but I can't because I live with her. I don't think what my father did was right, but he has always been a good dad and I think, overall, a good man. My parents were the masters of bickering before the divorce so I always wonder if that was part of the reason for his cheating.
Anyway, I would like to know if there is a way to handle this because Father's Day is approaching and even though he lives nearby, I did not see him last year.
I think this whole thing is very unfair to me and interestingly my one brother wants to go into family law. I know that they both have feelings, but they see both of our parents and ignore her anger.
Signed,
Unfairly Trapped
Dear Unfairly Trapped,
Let me just start by saying that it is clear that your mother feels a very deep sense of betrayal after a good number of years being married. It doesn't sound like she has gotten counseling, but she really should, and if any one of you could help her see this it would not only benefit her but would also help you. A life of resentment is a miserable one and only increases the odds of being bitter in her old age.
There is no question that this is unfair to you. Children should never be brought into the middle of their parents' problems or divorce. Often parents in a bitter divorce will use their children to get even, but that is absolutely and unequivocally wrong.
I am sure your brothers still feel it, but, as you say, you are more vulnerable to it.
It is interesting and probably no accident that your one brother wants to practice family law. Just the practice of law is generally a desire for justice.
I wonder if you have actually discussed this problem with your brothers; if not it would probably be a good idea. They might have a better perspective having been away for a while. I also imagine that you father understands the situation so explaining your dilemma to him might help, but on the other hand, if he is vindictive and/or has not moved on it could fuel the fire.
I do advise you to take some time to contemplate the fear you have of your mother's anger. Do you imagine that she will stop loving you or disown you? Or do you think she will just be angry because she feels so hurt and betrayed? Did she disown your brothers or does she simply assume that they go along with her and don't have a relationship with their father? Is she angry with them?
Anger can be a sign of something worse to come, but is sometimes used as a way to control others. Often it is just a cover up for the underlying pain.
Sometimes we get caught up in someone's anger and become afraid of it, unnecessarily so, especially when we are young and dependent on that person. Or actually even not so young people who feel dependent on someone's love and support are often afraid to deal with or confront that person's anger.
So, I think the most important place to start is by taking some quiet time to really think through what you mother is really about and what she will or won't do if you see your father. There is a good chance that she is just really hurt and her anger is a way to control the situation so that she doesn't feel any more pain. In this case, it is definitely something for her to work on but not something that you should allow to control you.
Hope this helps.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Too close for corporate gig?
Originally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 19, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I have had a very close friend for many years now and this special friend is very successful in business. I am soon to graduate with my master's degree and I have been offered a position with the business, but I would be my friend's employee, at least for a few years. We are both concerned about how this might affect our friendship. Do you have any special questions or advice that I should consider?
Thanks,
Excited but concerned
Dear Excited,
You ask an excellent question. There are many different cases of friends and families working together and from an emotional or psychological perspective the results have been varied. Some situations go extremely well and others go south faster than you might want to think.
In most cases, it depends on the family dynamics to begin with and how well prepared a family is for working together. There are specialists that work with families in business together. I know a few excellent ones; call me if you want some referrals.
Now, you ask about a good friend you've known for a long time. Working with them can either be great or really bad. It is rarely anything in between. There are many things to consider, questions to ask and expectations to explore.
In a sense, it is much like a marriage where the ideal images of the family, or in this case the business, needs to be explored in advance.
Role expectations need to be spelled out as much as possible and explored with each other. They are not likely to match 100 percent, but if you have worked them out in advance your chances of doing well are far better.
Also, it is really important that you discuss the inequality of your being an employee and your friend being your "boss." There may be enough in your education and experience to offset this inequality and if so you can be more like colleagues and that would be great. It is your friend's business that years of experience have gone into and as you mention, with much success. You wouldn't expect to come in at an equal level just coming out of school, but if you have enough to offer it may balance out nicely.
Try to think of all the possible situations that could arise and discuss them now. You can work out a way of handling them in the future should they come up.
Then you need to know your relationship. Is it just social? Or do you have a long-standing friendship where you honestly feel that you really know each other?
Some questions to ask are what will happen when one of you disappoints the other? Will you be able to talk it out? Have you ever had a fight or disagreement before? How did you work that out? Will you continue to want to spend social time together or will seeing each other at work mean spending less and less time together as friends?
It can go either way but typically when we get along we tend to spend more time with work friends. That is where many, if not most people, make their friendships.
It all depends on the two of you and your personalities and, most importantly, talking it out thoroughly first.
Then I think both of you might want to ask one or two other people that know you well if they can see or think of anything that might hinder your friendship or the working relationship. It's difficult to be more specific because it really depends on the personality of each of you. Hopefully you are close enough to know the sensitivities of the each other and whether or not your egos will clash down the road and over what types of things.
Finally, there is the issue of compensation and it is very important that neither one of you give in to the other, but instead you both are comfortable with the proposal. Be sure to consider long-term results. Down the road is there room to grow or will you always be at the same status. If you leave, what effects will that have on your relationship? How long are you expected to stay in the business before moving up?
A special friend is hard to lose but a good friendship can grow even better under the right circumstances. Just make sure you vet it first.
Good luck!
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I have had a very close friend for many years now and this special friend is very successful in business. I am soon to graduate with my master's degree and I have been offered a position with the business, but I would be my friend's employee, at least for a few years. We are both concerned about how this might affect our friendship. Do you have any special questions or advice that I should consider?
Thanks,
Excited but concerned
Dear Excited,
You ask an excellent question. There are many different cases of friends and families working together and from an emotional or psychological perspective the results have been varied. Some situations go extremely well and others go south faster than you might want to think.
In most cases, it depends on the family dynamics to begin with and how well prepared a family is for working together. There are specialists that work with families in business together. I know a few excellent ones; call me if you want some referrals.
Now, you ask about a good friend you've known for a long time. Working with them can either be great or really bad. It is rarely anything in between. There are many things to consider, questions to ask and expectations to explore.
In a sense, it is much like a marriage where the ideal images of the family, or in this case the business, needs to be explored in advance.
Role expectations need to be spelled out as much as possible and explored with each other. They are not likely to match 100 percent, but if you have worked them out in advance your chances of doing well are far better.
Also, it is really important that you discuss the inequality of your being an employee and your friend being your "boss." There may be enough in your education and experience to offset this inequality and if so you can be more like colleagues and that would be great. It is your friend's business that years of experience have gone into and as you mention, with much success. You wouldn't expect to come in at an equal level just coming out of school, but if you have enough to offer it may balance out nicely.
Try to think of all the possible situations that could arise and discuss them now. You can work out a way of handling them in the future should they come up.
Then you need to know your relationship. Is it just social? Or do you have a long-standing friendship where you honestly feel that you really know each other?
Some questions to ask are what will happen when one of you disappoints the other? Will you be able to talk it out? Have you ever had a fight or disagreement before? How did you work that out? Will you continue to want to spend social time together or will seeing each other at work mean spending less and less time together as friends?
It can go either way but typically when we get along we tend to spend more time with work friends. That is where many, if not most people, make their friendships.
It all depends on the two of you and your personalities and, most importantly, talking it out thoroughly first.
Then I think both of you might want to ask one or two other people that know you well if they can see or think of anything that might hinder your friendship or the working relationship. It's difficult to be more specific because it really depends on the personality of each of you. Hopefully you are close enough to know the sensitivities of the each other and whether or not your egos will clash down the road and over what types of things.
Finally, there is the issue of compensation and it is very important that neither one of you give in to the other, but instead you both are comfortable with the proposal. Be sure to consider long-term results. Down the road is there room to grow or will you always be at the same status. If you leave, what effects will that have on your relationship? How long are you expected to stay in the business before moving up?
A special friend is hard to lose but a good friendship can grow even better under the right circumstances. Just make sure you vet it first.
Good luck!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Whether to stay or go home?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 31, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I am about to graduate college and after four years here in Los Angeles, I am having trouble deciding whether to stay here or go home which is across the country.
I love it here and have been happy. I have been able to forget family problems but on the other hand, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. My family is also urging me to come home.
My family is completely dysfunctional. My father comes from an alcoholic family and he himself has an unacknowledged drinking problem. My mother is completely codependent and even though she is my best friend, I really feel like an orphan and have for years. She is almost glued to my father after discovering one shocking behavior after another.
A nanny who I adore but is no longer with our family basically raised me. My parents both worked long hours and we rarely even had dinner together. I have several siblings but we actually are not all that close. We seem to have all gone our own ways. I would probably have to live at home again unless I get a fantastic job right away.
I think the job market is better back home but I feel free and happy here in Los Angeles. I really am torn and do not know what to do. Obviously, I haven't got long to decide.
Please help with any thoughts you might have.
Signed,
Tortured
Dear Tortured,
Tortured is a very strong word to describe your situation and feelings. I really understand it though because your situation seems like a lose-lose with pain in whichever way you go.
I find myself wondering if you can't find a way to stay just a little bit longer so that you give yourself some time to process your feelings and perhaps start checking out the job market? If you can, I would also recommend you find some unbiased and professional help in making the best decision for yourself.
On the one hand you say you are happy and have a sense of freedom and it sounds like well being here in Los Angeles. You didn't mention friends here but after four years in college you must have made some good friends. Are any of them staying here in Los Angeles; can you create a support group here?
Also, you are too young to know it yet, but most people make a fair number of friends in their jobs. We spend a good amount of time in our working life and it is unusual if we do not make some pretty good friends. The exception of course, would be if you worked alone. But even then you could create a network and of course, there is always your alumni association.
On the other hand, long-time friends and family are very important attachments that generally speaking, we are lucky to have and I really understand your missing them.
But if your family is so unhealthy for you, I think you had better have a really good game plan if you do return and have to stay with them for a while.
You are not likely to change them so you had better be prepared for the emotional state you may find yourself in. Living with them again is likely to activate a lot of memories and old feelings.
This is part of the reason I recommend that you get some help to process your feelings and the things that happened and didn't happen for you. But also, I cannot tell you how important it is to recognize that we cannot just bury feelings alive. It never works; they always come back to haunt us in one way or another.
You have escaped these feelings temporarily by being away but they will catch up with you whether you go or stay here. In fact, your feeling so tortured right now is a significant sign that they really are not that far away.
I hope the small things that I can say will help you some but more so, I really hope you can find a way to take the pressure off and get some help in figuring this out before you find yourself making a decision that you regret.
It is not where you live, it is how you live that will make the difference.
I wish you the best of luck.
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
I am about to graduate college and after four years here in Los Angeles, I am having trouble deciding whether to stay here or go home which is across the country.
I love it here and have been happy. I have been able to forget family problems but on the other hand, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. My family is also urging me to come home.
My family is completely dysfunctional. My father comes from an alcoholic family and he himself has an unacknowledged drinking problem. My mother is completely codependent and even though she is my best friend, I really feel like an orphan and have for years. She is almost glued to my father after discovering one shocking behavior after another.
A nanny who I adore but is no longer with our family basically raised me. My parents both worked long hours and we rarely even had dinner together. I have several siblings but we actually are not all that close. We seem to have all gone our own ways. I would probably have to live at home again unless I get a fantastic job right away.
I think the job market is better back home but I feel free and happy here in Los Angeles. I really am torn and do not know what to do. Obviously, I haven't got long to decide.
Please help with any thoughts you might have.
Signed,
Tortured
Dear Tortured,
Tortured is a very strong word to describe your situation and feelings. I really understand it though because your situation seems like a lose-lose with pain in whichever way you go.
I find myself wondering if you can't find a way to stay just a little bit longer so that you give yourself some time to process your feelings and perhaps start checking out the job market? If you can, I would also recommend you find some unbiased and professional help in making the best decision for yourself.
On the one hand you say you are happy and have a sense of freedom and it sounds like well being here in Los Angeles. You didn't mention friends here but after four years in college you must have made some good friends. Are any of them staying here in Los Angeles; can you create a support group here?
Also, you are too young to know it yet, but most people make a fair number of friends in their jobs. We spend a good amount of time in our working life and it is unusual if we do not make some pretty good friends. The exception of course, would be if you worked alone. But even then you could create a network and of course, there is always your alumni association.
On the other hand, long-time friends and family are very important attachments that generally speaking, we are lucky to have and I really understand your missing them.
But if your family is so unhealthy for you, I think you had better have a really good game plan if you do return and have to stay with them for a while.
You are not likely to change them so you had better be prepared for the emotional state you may find yourself in. Living with them again is likely to activate a lot of memories and old feelings.
This is part of the reason I recommend that you get some help to process your feelings and the things that happened and didn't happen for you. But also, I cannot tell you how important it is to recognize that we cannot just bury feelings alive. It never works; they always come back to haunt us in one way or another.
You have escaped these feelings temporarily by being away but they will catch up with you whether you go or stay here. In fact, your feeling so tortured right now is a significant sign that they really are not that far away.
I hope the small things that I can say will help you some but more so, I really hope you can find a way to take the pressure off and get some help in figuring this out before you find yourself making a decision that you regret.
It is not where you live, it is how you live that will make the difference.
I wish you the best of luck.
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