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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
2012: Leave the Baggage Behind
New Year Resolutions?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Are Your New Year Resolutions For Real?
Dear New Shrink,
You won’t believe this but my husband and I actually got into an argument over New Year resolutions. It’s nothing serious, mostly silly but I thought I would ask your opinion on it.
I won’t say whom, but one of us thinks that resolutions are nonsense and the other thinks that they are important. Important to help us set our goals and to try to be disciplined for the year ahead.
What do you think?
Signed
Silly
Dear Silly,
I don’t think that resolutions are silly at all but the truth is that most of us do not keep them. This is primarily because we over shoot the mark. We make BIG promises to ourselves that we are not likely to keep because they are not realistic.
If you are going to make a resolution, you need to consider several things.
1. Is this a realistic goal or a pipe dream?
2. Look over the past year, was there something you know you needed to change or work on but somehow you did not get around to it? If so, maybe that should be a goal for 2011, a resolution, if you are going to keep your promise to yourself this time.
3. Many of our resolutions are unrealistic because they are simply beyond our control; not something we can do on our own without help.
4. If you are talking about stopping some self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugging, overeating, spending, gambling etc., you need to make your resolution be “ I am going to get help with this and try my best to stop it” with the help! Decide what a few help options might be and give yourself until the end of January (no longer) to research them and pick one to get started with immediately.
5. If you have marital conflict or relationship issues, and you had them around this time last year, you need to consider getting the appropriate help and quit wasting time on something so valuable. In order to make your resolution real, have it be that you will call someone for help before the end of January.
6. Lots of people join gyms, spend money on sign-ups for self help things but don’t follow through a month or two later. Don’t waste the money. Think it through and if you decide its right for you, perhaps tell a friend or two about it so that you are more likely to keep your commitment.
7. Don’t make promises to yourself that you can’t keep. Try to be as self-reflective and honest with yourself as you can be and then choose realistic goals. Again, consider telling a friend, or using the buddy system.
8. Keep in mind that we often feel guilty or bad about ourselves if we don’t keep a resolution, so what is the point of making it if we haven’t really thought it through and made sure that it is a good one for us?
9. It is a good idea to use the first of the year to take stock of ourselves and to think about what we need to be doing going forward. Use your time and thoughts wisely rather then making resolutions that are not well thought out or truly important.
10.In thinking about yourself, be introspective; think about what is valuable and meaningful to you. Whatever you decide to do, it should be based on what is truly important to you and NOT on what others may think or what you want to do to impress someone else.
11. Perhaps you want to do something to help others, contribute in someway to your community? Maybe your resolution is not just about doing something for you. Resolutions should not only be realistic, they should be meaningful and something you really can and will do because of their importance and value to you.
12.Finally, a resolution is meant to be about bringing you more joy and happiness in the coming year. So make sure that you make one or more that will bring you true inner joy.
Remember, resolutions mean that we have resolved to do something. This requires serious contemplation and should always be something you are sure you want to do, will get help doing if need be, and something that is meaningful to you and will bring joy to your heart.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The Dread of Loss, Real and Imagined
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Get Tiger Purring
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
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