Managing the Turbulent Teens (Originally published in The Santa Monica Daily Press

Dear New Shrink,

My husband and I are having a quite difficult time of it these days with our teenage son. One minute he seems like he can’t be close enough to us and he is almost like a young child. Then he turns into this big little man who is very rejecting and wants us to leave him alone. He acts as if we know nothing and have gotten it all wrong. We don’t think he is doing anything really bad or dangerous yet but he will soon be of age to drive and we fear he made be more vulnerable to drugs, sex and decisions that can be deadly if he doesn’t choose well. 

We are very worried and are not at all sure what to do or what not to do.

Sometimes we think we are just worrywarts but then we see some horror story on the news and get worried all over again.

But the worst part is that sometimes he doesn’t even seem like our son. It’s very weird.

Can you suggest books or give us some advice?

Signed,

Help

Dear Help,

The teenage years are indeed turbulent and dangerous and I think most parents worry.

There are so many changes, situations that adolescents are exposed to, decisions that they have to make; it is a scary time for all. One wrong decision can cost them their life or change it forever.

When puberty hits, it is not just bodily changes that occur which we all know are extremely difficult for teens. Complete changes in what the body looks like, what the voice sounds like and of course, sexual changes that can be extremely difficult to manage. However, the brain undergoes structural changes as well so that now your teen can think abstractly. This new found cognitive ability is what makes teens think that they know more than anyone else and because they can hypothesize the ideal, you will probably fall short. They do not have the experience and wisdom to know that the ideal is just that and nothing more. With a know it all attitude and all the new urges and experiences available, it is a time where they can be impulsive and one dangerous move can alter their life.

It is important that teens know ahead of time, all the risks of potential pregnancies and what that really means and also the horrible risk of contacting a (STD) sexually transmitted disease. The other is that most young people today think that sex is intercourse only, nothing else. I cannot even begin to tell you how many young people have told me that they made out and fooled around but didn’t have sex, yet when I pin them down it turns out that oral sex is part of fooling around.  It’s not considered sex; and truly smart, even college educated young people have not known that STDs are possible through oral sex as well as intercourse. Sex education about the use of condoms has led many to think intercourse is the culprit, use a condom and there is nothing more to worry about.

Drugs are something that most young people experiment with and you just hope that they are the lucky ones that not only don’t get addicted but also, do not have a bad life changing experience from it.

Driving is scary too because we all know stories of good kids driving or being in a car with a friend who drives recklessly and a tragic accident occurs.

So what can you do other than worry? The best thing you can do is solidifying your relationship with your kids before they become full blown teenagers.  You mentioned the push/pull nature of your relationship with your son. This is a time of identity formation and psychological separation from parents, so this is basically normal. This is all the more reason to solidify and strength your bond.

Have open honest discussions about all the things mentioned here. Do NOT try to scare them because they won’t listen to scare tactics. The truth is that most teenagers get through these years fine so forget scare tactics. Just discussing possibilities and making sure that they know that they can talk to you is the most important thing you can do.  This type of rapport with your child should start early on and keep building but if you want extra support now or do not feel your have a strong enough bond with your son, you should seek some family counseling. You might want to try the short- term groups that are intended for the express purpose of strengthening these bonds as the potentially dangerous years begin.

These groups can be found around town, ask your schools, churches or temples or call my office. I have two doctors who work for me that do this kind of work because we really believe in making the best of these years and preventing unnecessary tragedies.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or send your anonymous questions and responses to newshrink@gmail.com

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Strengthen your bond with your teen before there is trouble

I Can’t Seem to Get a Good Night’s Sleep. What is wrong; what should I do?

Dear New Shrink,

I have a very hard time getting a decent night’s sleep. My doctor has given me some medication but told me not to take it nightly. I don’t really want to take it at all but sometimes it is the only way I can sleep for more than a couple of hours.

I often fall asleep but wake up within a few hours and toss and turn and I worry about things like work, family, problems my friends are having, finances, I guess I worry about everything. Sometimes, it is work related and I am figuring out how to handle something the next day but often it is really nothing to worry about because I can’t do anything about it. My parents are older now and I worry about them dying but as you can see, I can’t really do much of anything about this.

I hate this because I want to get up and workout and I need to if I am going to keep my weight down. Also, I feel much more energetic if I work out in the morning but if I don’t sleep, I sometimes do not have time to go to the gym in the morning before I leave for work.

Do you have any thoughts on what is wrong or what I can do?

Signed,

Insomniac

Dear Insomniac,

Please don’t feel alone, according to research over one third of people report problems with sleep.

You mention medication. Your doctor is probably worried about you becoming dependent on the medication which can definitely happen and then, you will either need to continue it indefinitely or taper off of it. Most people do not become addicted to sleep aids and there are newer ones that don’t even create dependence. Addiction is where you take more and more and go to any lengths to obtain a drug and you also have a change in your normal behavior and emotions. This might happen with those who have histories of addiction but it is uncommon.

You also say you prefer not to take a medication. The good news is that the research has shown that you don’t need to because the equally if not more effective treatment for insomnia is a what is called “Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.” Advertisements from the pharmaceutical companies make us believe we need medicine but this is not always the case at all.

Cognitive-Behavioral treatment generally consists of no more than eight sessions and it includes a lot of education, some of which I will give you here.

If this article does not help, then you should seek therapy with a sleep expert.

First you should know that not all people actually need eight hours of sleep, a common myth. Some people feel rested with four to five hours but they are people who sleep well. Also, how long we need to sleep changes with age and differences we may experience in body temperature with physiological changes or different seasons.  

Our sleep hygiene is extremely important and this is the first thing I hope you will consider.  You will need to take a look at your diet, exercise although is sounds like you take care of this most of the time, alcohol and caffeine intake during the last few hours before going to bed, and general activities before going to bed, especially the last hour or so. Also, the bed you sleep in is important. If your mattress is not a good one for you, you may need to replace it.

You definitely should not be working during the last hour before you attempt to go to sleep. If you are watching television and what you see disturbs you, change it. Do something that is truly relaxing for you the last hour before you go to sleep.  Do not eat or drink much of anything other than water, an herbal tea or warm milk before going to bed.

If you go to sleep and wake up, do not turn a TV on. This is one of the worst things you can do. If you can’t get back to sleep, go into another room to watch TV or read, until you are sleepy again.

Lastly, you talk about worrying, worrying a lot actually. My first thought is that you may be worrying about not sleeping when you go to bed and this may create a kind of secondary insomnia, if you will.

Finally, all this worrying that you do sounds really troubling and while it’s beyond the scope of this article, I will tell you this, worrying is simply our way of feeling like we are in control. It is an otherwise useless activity that only causes harm to our bodies and selves. Try to give it up or get help with it.

Good Luck!

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist with offices in Brentwood.

Visit her at www.drbarge.com or email your anonymous questions and responses to newshrink@gmail.com

What to do when you are lied to, dumped and completely confused

Dear New Shrink,

I am at a loss.  My friend and I have known each other 20 yrs, he moved away 4 yrs ago but we talked regularly.  I must mention he is bipolar and bisexual, we had an ongoing affair after his first divorce, and we both enjoyed that aspect of our lives. Before Christmas we talked and he never mentioned anything to me about remarrying.  I found out new years day via face book.  I was shocked but I thought he needs a new person in his life, I congratulated him, tried calling him but he shut me out just like that, no warning, I feel bad that I found out since he is off meds, back to drinking and his new wife is 17 yrs his junior, somehow throw this altogether it sounds like a recipe for disaster, I feel for him but I don’t know how to handle this.  I'm so disappointed.  He lives 3000 miles away now, so I could not see all of this.  I hope he is going to be all right.

Signed,

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

I am sorry for your pain. It is clear that you are not only shocked but grief stricken. Twenty years is a long time and you were intimate. Your pain is understandable and you might want to look into some kind of group therapy support or counseling to help you get through this and also to better understand your involvement with someone so split off, hidden and unpredictable.

Clearly, he is not a stable man or picture of mental health. It sounds like he is very confused about who he is and what he wants and is also quite secretive.

Bipolar and bisexual and apparently has an alcohol problem because you say he is back to drinking. 

I don’t think bisexual is necessarily unusual or a sign of sickness but the overall picture is one, as you describe it, of somebody who is not ready for an honest steady healthy relationship, friendship or otherwise.

How long ago were you intimate? Was it before he moved away four years ago?

Were you in love with him or was it simply an enjoyable bisexual experience for you?

It feels like the intimacy created a sense of closeness for you that apparently may not have been there for him. Or maybe you were so intimate, that he could not tell you of his hidden self. There is also a good chance that he does not want to hear your warnings and words of wisdom and most likely, that he does not want his new wife to know anything about you. I can’t think of another reason to cut you off unless you were expecting more from the intimate relationship and he simply did not know how to tell you.

It does sounds like he is headed for a crash with being off his meds and drinking again but it also sounds like you really cannot do anything about it.

Its time for you to take care of yourself and maybe to do some inventory on what this relationship was about for you.

Alan-on Family groups could be a great idea for you. They are all over the city. They have meetings for Gays & Lesbians, just men, just women, coed for straight or gay. The philosophy and steps are truly miraculous. I honestly suggest that you find yourself a group that works for you and attend it on a regular basis. There is no question that is will help you and provide the support you need so badly right now.

There are no dues or fees and members are anonymous. If you don’t like one group, try another.  You can find them online or by calling information. They have a Central Office or online you get general information about how they can help and by putting in your city or zip code, you will get a list of local meetings.

The other option is to find a group therapy or a therapist, which can also help a lot but will cost you money, usually well spent. But finally, they are not mutually exclusive. A good therapist would probably suggest that you give Alan-on a try as a compliment to the therapy work.

Loss of a relative, lover or friend is very painful. It is always best to get some help for yourself. If your friendship is meant to be, he will be back around one day. But for now, let go and get help for you.

Good Luck!

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and marriage/family therapist. She is also APA certified in the Treatment of Alcoholism and other Substance Use Disorders. Dr. Barge has offices in Brentwood and can be located @ www.drbarge.com

Sent your anonymous questions and replies to newshrink@gmail.com

Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters.