So, you want to become a shrink?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on July 11, 2013.

www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,

I am wondering what it takes to become a psychologist.

My friends all tell me that I should be one. I am currently taking some psychology and sociology classes at Santa Monica College and I think I like them. But most of all, everyone says that I am a really good listener and I think they are right.

I grew up an only child from a divorced home and my mother and I were best friends. I was her confidant; she told me all her problems with men, money and work. I even helped her make decisions. I handled it all very well.

All of this has made me the go-to person for my friends and I am thinking I am a natural to be a psychologist. What do you think? I am being urged to pick a major so I should decide soon.

Thank you,

Maybe Psychologist

Dear Maybe,

It is certainly understandable that you think this might be a good fit. It is clearly a familiar and, I am assuming, comfortable role for you. But I am really glad that you wrote in with this question or what I am going to call a situation.

Becoming a psychologist requires a lot more than having friends and your mother come to you with their problems.

My first question to you is one you probably cannot answer just yet but you should definitely ask yourself and be thinking a lot about this. Is this “role” good for you?

It may have become a big part of your identity, I am guessing, because your relationship with your mother was so inverted. Questioning who you really are and what you actually want is an important place to start, not just for deciding on whether to become a psychologist, but for your own future wellness and happiness. If it is not right for you, you will end up feeling very burnt out sooner than not! And while you may have grown up quickly and developed some skills that most young people don’t yet have, you also do not sound like you had much of a childhood. You may need to give yourself some time off, some playtime, before you settle into adult responsibility again.

If you need help in getting to your own truth, consider a few therapy sessions to help you. A good therapist will have the right questions to help you know if this would be a good decision for you or not and to help you understand your own needs.

That actually brings us to another point, which is that being a psychologist, or another type of psychotherapist, is not just about listening. Being a really good listener is a critical start to helping patients but it is not an end in itself. You have to know what questions to ask and when to ask them. This timing can be critical. You also need to have the analytical skills to look at things in a number of different ways and then how to rule out non-essential issues and focus on the critical ones. You must be able to decide what the best treatment approach is for your patient or client.

So you see, it is not just about other people feeling good about talking to you. At this point, they may be coming to you because they sense that it is something you are open to. But as I already mentioned, this does not mean it is good for you. 

It may not be good for them either.

We tend to tell friends what they want to hear because we do not want them to get angry and/or we do not want to hurt their feelings. We often agree with them when deep down we really don’t. As a professional you cannot do this with the people you try to help.

The listening and being supportive is a nice thing to do for others, but if you were to become a psychotherapist, you would not be that friend, you would be a professional with a lot of responsibility and you would need to be comfortable with questioning and giving honest feedback.

Another thing to consider is how much you like the academic environment. You say that “you think” you like your classes. If you do not really love school, you might want to think twice because you need at least a master’s degree to be a professional therapist. That adds up to a minimum of six years. If you want to be a psychologist, you will need to earn a doctoral degree in psychology, which is anywhere from eight to 10 years.

Finally, career counselors have tests and skills to help you determine if this is the right path for you.

How to know if you are entering a good marriage

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 7, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

 

Dear Life Matters,

I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.

We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”

My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.

My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.

He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.

But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,

Help

  

Dear Help,

I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.

While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.

If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.

If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.

Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.

If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.

I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.

It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.

Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.

In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.

There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.

But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.

- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf