Whether to stay or go home?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 31, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I am about to graduate college and after four years here in Los Angeles, I am having trouble deciding whether to stay here or go home which is across the country.
I love it here and have been happy. I have been able to forget family problems but on the other hand, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. My family is also urging me to come home.
My family is completely dysfunctional. My father comes from an alcoholic family and he himself has an unacknowledged drinking problem. My mother is completely codependent and even though she is my best friend, I really feel like an orphan and have for years. She is almost glued to my father after discovering one shocking behavior after another.
A nanny who I adore but is no longer with our family basically raised me. My parents both worked long hours and we rarely even had dinner together. I have several siblings but we actually are not all that close. We seem to have all gone our own ways. I would probably have to live at home again unless I get a fantastic job right away.
I think the job market is better back home but I feel free and happy here in Los Angeles. I really am torn and do not know what to do. Obviously, I haven't got long to decide.
Please help with any thoughts you might have.
Signed,
Tortured

Dear Tortured,
Tortured is a very strong word to describe your situation and feelings. I really understand it though because your situation seems like a lose-lose with pain in whichever way you go.
I find myself wondering if you can't find a way to stay just a little bit longer so that you give yourself some time to process your feelings and perhaps start checking out the job market? If you can, I would also recommend you find some unbiased and professional help in making the best decision for yourself.
On the one hand you say you are happy and have a sense of freedom and it sounds like well being here in Los Angeles. You didn't mention friends here but after four years in college you must have made some good friends. Are any of them staying here in Los Angeles; can you create a support group here?
Also, you are too young to know it yet, but most people make a fair number of friends in their jobs. We spend a good amount of time in our working life and it is unusual if we do not make some pretty good friends. The exception of course, would be if you worked alone. But even then you could create a network and of course, there is always your alumni association.
On the other hand, long-time friends and family are very important attachments that generally speaking, we are lucky to have and I really understand your missing them.
But if your family is so unhealthy for you, I think you had better have a really good game plan if you do return and have to stay with them for a while.
You are not likely to change them so you had better be prepared for the emotional state you may find yourself in. Living with them again is likely to activate a lot of memories and old feelings.
This is part of the reason I recommend that you get some help to process your feelings and the things that happened and didn't happen for you. But also, I cannot tell you how important it is to recognize that we cannot just bury feelings alive. It never works; they always come back to haunt us in one way or another.
You have escaped these feelings temporarily by being away but they will catch up with you whether you go or stay here. In fact, your feeling so tortured right now is a significant sign that they really are not that far away.
I hope the small things that I can say will help you some but more so, I really hope you can find a way to take the pressure off and get some help in figuring this out before you find yourself making a decision that you regret.
It is not where you live, it is how you live that will make the difference.
I wish you the best of luck.