Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press December 18, 2013.
Dear Life Matters,
I am hosting a rather large holiday
dinner with both friends and family invited. This is a tradition and it has
always been very nice and a lot of fun.
But this year is a little different
because one of my husband’s sisters has had a very bad marital situation this
past year. Her husband left her and it turned out he cheated on her. She was
devastated, but from what we can tell she is considering taking him back and
there may be some reconciliation. They have been married a number of years and,
quite frankly, this has come as a shock to everyone in the family. Their eldest
daughter, who is still young and most would agree immature, is no longer
speaking to him.
Truthfully, we do not know what is
going on. We do not know if they are back together or not, if they are trying
to make it work and certainly do not know what the family members, especially
the eldest daughter, are thinking and feeling.
We have invited them to come to our
dinner, but have not heard back from them. We really do not know what to think
or how to act if they do come? How should we act if they come? How do we handle
the tension between the father and daughter?
I don’t feel like I can hide my
negative feelings toward him and I find myself wanting to ask questions. What
should I do? How should we act? Should we not invite them?
Signed,
Torn
Dear Torn,
I can see and understand your
dilemma, but I think we should consider all of the possibilities before drawing
any conclusions.
When someone in the family has had an
affair and there’s a lot of tension, holiday get-togethers can be very
awkward indeed.
You said that you already invited
them, but they haven’t responded. I do not see how you can now disinvite them.
If you did, that would definitely bring bad blood between you. If they have not
answered, there is a very good chance that they are thinking about all of the
same things that you are and my hunch is that they will back out gracefully
this year. They probably don’t want to air their dirty laundry in front of all
of you, and even if they said nothing, it sounds like they are in a very raw
state that would make things obvious and tense for them and the rest of you.
That being said, they probably will
skip this year and all of your worry will have been for not.
If they do come, it will probably be
because they have worked things out to some degree and are feeling more
comfortable.
It’s my opinion that you should just
play host and treat them like everyone else. Do your best to make them feel
comfortable. This will benefit you and them and everyone else there, whether
the others know the situation or not.
As host, it’s your job to help
everyone feel at ease and enjoy themselves.
I can understand your feelings, but I
think you need to put them aside while hosting your holiday party. Just act the
same as you do every other year.
Definitely do not ask questions; this
is not the time or place for it. Also, it may not really be your business.
Often we get involved in situations like this when, truthfully, it should be
left up to the people directly involved to work out. We all need to be careful
about getting drawn into these situations because the people involved often
will try to get us on one side or the other and we may only be hearing part or
half of the story.
It is usually the most vocal and
seemingly wounded who will pull us in and, unfortunately, many of us think in
terms of the heavy (bad one) and the victim. However, relationships usually do
not work this way; it takes two to tango! More often than not we are not getting
the entire picture so it truly is best to stay one step removed. We can be
supportive while keeping an appropriate boundary.
One of the worst things you can do is
invite one and not the other or bad mouth the other, only for them to end up
back together and then you end up being the bad one or, at the very least, in a
pretty awkward position.
I suggest you have a relaxing and fun
holiday party and let the powers that be take care of your in-laws. Just be a
good host and tend to yourself and your guests.
No comments:
Post a Comment