Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 21, 2014
Dear Life Matters,
I feel a lot of
anxiety and a bit of embarrassment to write to you about this. It is hard for
me, it feels terribly upsetting and I am not one to wear my heart on my
sleeves. Thank you for treating my identity with utmost confidentiality.
My problem is that
I am in a long-term marriage with a number of children. We are a close family
and love each other and this is all great. No family problems, but, and a big
but here, my spouse and I rarely have sex anymore.
It was great in the
beginning; we couldn’t get enough of each other. But as time wore on it became
quieter and quieter and less and less. I know that sex tends to lessen in
long-term relationships, but when it gets to zero, and for years now, I do not
think it is natural and I am most unhappy about it.
I have not strayed,
but I am starting to have fantasies, but honestly I only want to be with my
wife. She is everything to me, but I am feeling frustrated, lonely and I feel
hurt inside. Somehow it seems to me that if she loved me she would want to make
love with me. If I try to discuss this with her she either changes the subject
or picks a fight with me.
I think you will
probably tell me to go to marriage counseling, but I have tried that and so far
she says she won’t go. She says that I am overly sensitive, that I make too big
a deal of sex and, simply put, in her eyes we don’t have a problem.
The only thing I
know for sure is that this is not working for me. I feel very rejected. I
think, in the end, it could tear us apart.
Signed, Hurt, hurt
and hurt!
Dear Hurt,
I can feel your
pain! This is a very serious problem and your wife sounds like she is being
very defensive.
Sexual connection
with one’s partner is a natural and necessary part of life and of a
relationship. You are very normal in your feelings and it is really interesting
that she is so defensive. It begs the question, what is she defending?
It is very nice
that you have a great family relationship and are close with your children.
This is truly important and something you hope to have forever, but a divorce
could change all that.
A marriage of no
love making, year after year, is not normal or healthy.
Everyone can site
an example of someone they know who is married forever and hasn’t had sex in
decades, but that is not the norm and we have no way of knowing what they are
really feeling inside. Conversely, there are many couples married for years who
are very active sexually.
It really comes
down to what works for both of you. In all relationships there must be room for
two. Your needs are as important as hers and it is important that she realize
this. It is not that one is right and the other is wrong. It just is a matter
of caring about and being empathic to your partner’s needs and desires. From
the way you describe this, there has only been room for one and it’s her!
This simply is not
healthy and it definitely does not make for a good relationship. Your feelings
are very understandable, but now the trick is to get her to understand them and
to try to figure out what is going on with her that has made her so unavailable
to you.
I am wondering
about her age or her personal history. Is she at an age where she is no longer
feeling good about herself and her body? Maybe she has no sex drive because of
low or lost hormones.
Does she have a
history of sexual abuse? I have worked with couples married for years where sex
has gone by the wayside because the wife was really never into it because of an
abuse history. Do you tell her she is attractive to you or do you just complain
about not having sex?
Finally, underneath
sex problems, often there are unresolved resentments.
You really do need
to seek marital therapy and preferably with someone who is experienced, if not
certified, in sex therapy. Tell your partner how important this is to you. You
need to get through to her and “not wearing your heart on your sleeve” may be
working against you at this point. She needs to know how deeply hurt and
rejected you feel and how much you want to connect with her.
If she still won’t
go, go without her and get some resolution for yourself. Often one partner
going ends up helping both and it is not unusual for the other to follow.
Good luck!
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