Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 2, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I'm a 19-year-old girl of
East Indian and African decent. I had a daughter recently and her dad,
also 19 and of East Indian descent, got deported before I even found out
I was pregnant. He asked me to come to his country and marry him, but I
have to wait a few months. We have also been on and off due to his
infidelity.
Meanwhile this other guy and I started getting close.
The man I was supposed to marry had a girlfriend who called me: he said
he would explain but went M.I.A. for six weeks.
During this time
my guy friend started coming over more and more. He knows that I like
him and I was starting to get over my child's father. He liked me too
but he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship so we just remained
friends. Then we started becoming friends with benefits. We started and
it was amazing, but he refused to kiss me.
Then one day I acted
strange because I realized my emotions were getting out of control. He
was really concerned about me and kept asking me what was on my mind. I
should have told him that it felt really bad to me, but instead I acted
like a total jerk and then told him we should call off our arrangement.
He seemed totally cool with it. We talked a couple of times after that
and then he cut me off! He told me how I made him feel really bad that
day and he is now saying he doesn't want to be friends anymore.
My
guy friends say that it looks like he started getting feelings for me
and decided to bolt. He is not the type of guy to just cut me off
because he got what he wanted; I'm the second girl he ever had sex with.
But
why not be friends? He keeps acting as if I offended him and keeps
saying he should just disappear. I'm really torn up about this. I need
advice. Please help me understand why he is behaving this way and what I
can do to get us back to being friends.
Signed,
Torn up
Dear Torn up,
I
understand why you are feeling bad. Your situation is confusing and you
obviously became attached to your "friend with benefits."
I am
not so sure this is an idea that really works so well. Open marriages
end, for the most part, in divorce or in need of serious counseling.
Very few pulled that off.
Friends are perhaps a little less
emotionally involved, at least in the beginning, but sex is a very
intimate act. There are multiple reasons why this might be true, but
generally speaking women get attached when they have sex. Some men do
too but they can have sex much more freely without feeling an
attachment.
Your friend may have been avoiding feelings by not
kissing you or it may be an indication that he never had them. It may
have been strictly sex for him.
From your description, it does
sound like he is sensitive and if he says you upset him and made him
feel like he should disappear, then he must have gotten hurt. If you can
trust your other guy friends to tell you the truth, then the messages
he sent must have said quite a lot for them to conclude that he was
developing feelings and bolted when he got too close or got hurt.
However,
don't forget that there is also the pending husband that might make him
keep his distance. Perhaps he cannot be just friends? Once you have
been intimate, it's difficult to go back.
It really sounds to me
like you need to get yourself straightened out a bit. What is it that
you really want? What does sex mean to you? Are you being cautious
enough with both yourself and sex? You already are a single mother at
19; not an easy task. I can't help but wonder if you were having safe
sex?
There are so many sexually transmitted diseases out there
now and also, there has been a 200 percent increase in new HIV cases for
your age group in the U.S.
I really recommend that you think
seriously about who you are and what you want. When you are clear about
this, then perhaps you can approach your guy friend again if he is still
someone you want to be with. He may also trust an involvement with you
more at this point.
Good luck. Hope this helps.
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