Too often we avoid red flags and latter regret it. Dr Barge weighs in on when we should listen to our intuition.
Dear New Shrink,
Why do people ignore "red flags?" I know I have done it in the past with relationships. I now know better but never really understood why I did it. And now we are hearing about it again and again on the news. Why are we all so stupid?
Signed,
Do Not Understand
Dear Do Not Understand,
You ask a really interesting question. Definitely with these shootings by the Army psychiatrist, the rape of a 15-year-old girl in Richmond, the paroled man who kidnapped, raped and fathered children with a young girl and may have killed a number of others, this is an important question. Even with our quieter suicides, unfortunate or unnecessary deaths, broken marriages, bad relationships, almost always someone or a number of people come forward to talk about what they noticed but yet said or did nothing about. Obviously in the end, it does seem stupid. But the real causes range from minding our own business, being politically correct, not wanting to cause a problem, being unsure of ourselves, not trusting our instincts to hoping that "it" will just take care of itself, work itself out or someone else will do something. Most of these sort of run together but in my opinion, we really need to rethink this. There are simply too many disastrous results when we look the other way and ignore, as you say, the red flags.
Usually if we take the time out to listen to our instincts, our gut, we will know what we need to know. But the mind can get in the way and tell us a hundred reasons why we are wrong or shouldn't do anything about what we are intuiting. It's best to tell the chatter to shut up, go away and listen to what that deeper part of yourself is saying and even ask it, what are you picking up on? Something is going on here, what is it?
Once you feel strongly about what you are feeling, the next step is deciding what to do about it. Depending on what it is, there are numerous alternatives. If it's a personal matter, or something with a friend or relative, ask yourself what might happen if you don't say anything. In a relationship, problems that are not addressed often lead to the end of it. If a friend is drinking too much or engaging in self destructive behavior or maybe just seems depressed, ask yourself whether you are really being a good and caring friend if you do not say anything. There are ways to say things. In these personal matters, coming from the heart and making sure there is no negative judgment, resentment or criticizing, can make a big difference. It can actually save someone's life.
In larger matters where it's a colleague, fellow student or neighbor, sometimes it's best to be less direct and seek help or guidance. Ask others that you trust if they have noticed anything unusual or go to a higher up and explain that you are not trying to cause trouble but at the same time you don't want to be part of a really bad outcome. Share your concerns.
Back to why do we ignore red flags? I have answered much of your question but there is another reason, and that is hope — hope that it will go away, work itself out or someone else will fix it. Hope is an interesting thing. We need it at times, for sure. It is similar to faith but not exactly the same. Hope always includes fear; the fear that something will not happen or that what is hoped for will. If you really think about it, it is like a drug. We use hope like a drug, to make an uncomfortable reality go away. It is very different from trust. Generally trust has a rational, more solid basis. This is not to say that we haven't had situations where it turns out that what we trusted, we should not have. But hope is not based on rationale; it's just hope. We use it when we need it and sometimes we get lucky but often we do not.
These words faith, trust and hope are used interchangeably but they are not the same. Hope has a dark side to it. If you are hoping that the chemotherapy of a relative is going to work, it's understandable but you should also prepare yourself. When you are talking about red flags, it's best to ask yourself "do I trust that my partner is faithful to me, or that the neighbor or professor is going to do something about what I am noticing? Or am I hoping?" If you are hoping, you should rethink it and maybe pay more attention. Red flags do mean something!
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Excessive worrying can be a burden too big to bare
Dr Barge has some insight on when worrying can be a little too much to be healthy, and in fact, quite unhealthy.
Dear New Shrink,
For the last few years, I have been suffering from chronic stomachaches, heartburn and acid reflux. My doctor says he believes these symptoms are all related to my stress level. I will admit I am somewhat of a worrier. There isn't anything unbearable or tragic going on in my life right now but I do constantly find myself worrying about work, school and what's going to happen tomorrow. I find myself even worrying about the littlest things. How can I control this? How can I stop worrying so much?
Help,
Worrywart
Dear Worrywart,
A lot of people worry in an excessive way. There is often something that might cause worry for most people but to be healthy, to keep it in perspective, worry should not be so excessive as to cause symptoms such as these or something similar like headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, insomnia or fatigue. Excessive worry is a complete waste of time; it does absolutely no good at all except that it can give us an illusion of being in control. In this sense, it is a defense mechanism. But as you point out indirectly in describing your painful symptoms, it is often a costly one. When you have stomach problems and acid reflux, your problem has become quite serious. Acid reflux can lead to cancer of the esophagus, one of the leading cancers in the United States right now. Worrying can also be easily classified as negative stress, which can compromise our immune systems. Not to mention, if you worry long enough and hard enough, you can drive your blood pressure up.
Sometimes, worrying is caused from an underlying anxiety disorder or what is known as obsessive-compulsive disorder. These conditions can be treated with a psychotropic medication from the SSRI group or with certain types of talk therapy. Meditation and yoga can also be helpful in teaching you how to control your own mind.
Certainly something needs to be done when it gets as bad as you describe. You said you are in school, so I wonder about your age and how long you have had these symptoms? The sooner you catch it, the better. You also say that nothing bad is going on "right now," so I wonder if something bad happened in the past. In a similar vein, I also wonder if something unexpected happened that was difficult for you to deal with. If so, you might have what is known as post-traumatic stress. There are a lot of questions I might ask if I were your doctor. For now, I would just say again, take this very seriously and find a solution that works for you.
Ask yourself why you think you might be worrying so much? Did something happen to you that you need to get over? Are you sure that there is nothing to worry about? Are your loved ones OK? Is someone close to you having problems that concern you? Is there anything that you can actually do? If so, do it but then work on letting it go.
Definitely ask yourself if you feel more in control when you worry. Does it really get you what you want? Ask yourself if it's worth it to worry so much; can you afford the consequences of these physical symptoms if they continue? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be. This alone can lead you to possible solutions.
Try exercise, which can eliminate stress, and try meditation or yoga. These things along with rigorous self-honesty can take you a long way. If you cannot stop this on your own, please recognize that you need help. The professional help you might need should be short and sweet, so to speak.
Most of all remember that worry is not an honest feeling. It is an emotion we design to give ourselves a sense of control. But it is only an illusion. What have you ever actually changed or even controlled with your worry? I recently wrote an article that included a similar sentiment about hope. Just like hope, worry can be used like a drug. It is not always used in good faith and it can either let us down or end up causing us unpleasant consequences. Use it if you need it, but learn to do so sparingly and appropriately but then, let it go. You will be better for it!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
For the last few years, I have been suffering from chronic stomachaches, heartburn and acid reflux. My doctor says he believes these symptoms are all related to my stress level. I will admit I am somewhat of a worrier. There isn't anything unbearable or tragic going on in my life right now but I do constantly find myself worrying about work, school and what's going to happen tomorrow. I find myself even worrying about the littlest things. How can I control this? How can I stop worrying so much?
Help,
Worrywart
Dear Worrywart,
A lot of people worry in an excessive way. There is often something that might cause worry for most people but to be healthy, to keep it in perspective, worry should not be so excessive as to cause symptoms such as these or something similar like headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, insomnia or fatigue. Excessive worry is a complete waste of time; it does absolutely no good at all except that it can give us an illusion of being in control. In this sense, it is a defense mechanism. But as you point out indirectly in describing your painful symptoms, it is often a costly one. When you have stomach problems and acid reflux, your problem has become quite serious. Acid reflux can lead to cancer of the esophagus, one of the leading cancers in the United States right now. Worrying can also be easily classified as negative stress, which can compromise our immune systems. Not to mention, if you worry long enough and hard enough, you can drive your blood pressure up.
Sometimes, worrying is caused from an underlying anxiety disorder or what is known as obsessive-compulsive disorder. These conditions can be treated with a psychotropic medication from the SSRI group or with certain types of talk therapy. Meditation and yoga can also be helpful in teaching you how to control your own mind.
Certainly something needs to be done when it gets as bad as you describe. You said you are in school, so I wonder about your age and how long you have had these symptoms? The sooner you catch it, the better. You also say that nothing bad is going on "right now," so I wonder if something bad happened in the past. In a similar vein, I also wonder if something unexpected happened that was difficult for you to deal with. If so, you might have what is known as post-traumatic stress. There are a lot of questions I might ask if I were your doctor. For now, I would just say again, take this very seriously and find a solution that works for you.
Ask yourself why you think you might be worrying so much? Did something happen to you that you need to get over? Are you sure that there is nothing to worry about? Are your loved ones OK? Is someone close to you having problems that concern you? Is there anything that you can actually do? If so, do it but then work on letting it go.
Definitely ask yourself if you feel more in control when you worry. Does it really get you what you want? Ask yourself if it's worth it to worry so much; can you afford the consequences of these physical symptoms if they continue? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be. This alone can lead you to possible solutions.
Try exercise, which can eliminate stress, and try meditation or yoga. These things along with rigorous self-honesty can take you a long way. If you cannot stop this on your own, please recognize that you need help. The professional help you might need should be short and sweet, so to speak.
Most of all remember that worry is not an honest feeling. It is an emotion we design to give ourselves a sense of control. But it is only an illusion. What have you ever actually changed or even controlled with your worry? I recently wrote an article that included a similar sentiment about hope. Just like hope, worry can be used like a drug. It is not always used in good faith and it can either let us down or end up causing us unpleasant consequences. Use it if you need it, but learn to do so sparingly and appropriately but then, let it go. You will be better for it!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sibling stanoffs can be quite painful to bear
Brentwood Psychologist Dr. Barge gives tips on how to mend a seeming broken relationship with a sibling/
Dear New Shrink,
I am very troubled over my relationship with my brother. We were pretty close growing up and then even closer when our father died during our teenage years. We now share the responsibility for our ailing mother so it is important that we get along. But for some time now, we seem to be at odds. I think my sister in-law dislikes me so that does not help, but I honestly do not understand why he seems so angry toward me. I would really like to be closer to him. It is really painful now that the holidays are approaching. I dread being in the same room.
Signed,
Hurt Sibling
Dear Hurt Sibling,
This is most unfortunate and I hope that I can help. Thankfully, most siblings remain close and actually provide a great emotional attachment for each other for 20 years or more beyond their parental ties. They are clearly lucky but it goes beyond luck. There are many siblings at odds as you say, or in a kind of cold war. There are even studies that show that siblings account for about 60 percent of domestic violence, when living under the same roof.
There are many causes for sibling problems and I hope parents that read this will pay attention because this can truly be a great source of pain for everyone later in life.
Sibling rivalry is common place among Americans. The good news is that parents can do a lot to intervene if they understand it, look for it and do something about it.
I advise parents to find a way to include their first child when they have the second. Have that child help with the new baby; find special time for the first and realize how easy it is for that child to become jealous if you don't. Often sibling problems are rooted in one child being viewed as favored even when it isn't so. Even if it is, one hopes that the parents will go out of their way not to show favoritism.
Sometimes there is family dysfunction and one child becomes the scapegoat. This clearly leads to the perception of one or more being favored. Sometimes a parent is ill and the eldest has to assume a parental role which can lead to hostility toward that child. This is because they are either perceived as bossy or sometimes because they did not fulfill the subconscious needs and expectations of the younger ones who hoped that they would be more like the missing parent.
Of course, even in the same family, all children are not alike. Some may be better looking, more popular or end up more accomplished and as adults, perhaps have a better socioeconomic status. Jealousy is definitely a big factor in sibling problems. Even as adults, new problems can occur because of jealousy or anger. It might be over one having more success, or over lifestyle or politics. It can also happen when one has or feels like they have the lion's share of responsibility for the family or aging parents.
In-laws can definitely be divisive, especially if they have an agenda or ax to grind. This is especially difficult to deal with if your sibling does not honor your attachment or have the courage to stand up for it.
Finally, money causes more problems when it gets toward the end of the line with parents, and the family as you have known it draws to a close. It's hard to know when it is really about greed or when the sadness is replaced by anger at feeling cheated by the loss. If there is a will that is fair, there should not be a problem, but we have all heard the horror stories.
As for the holidays, your first priority should be to get through them in a peaceful way. If you get together, consider your seating arrangement and definitely keep alcohol at a minimum. This may be when you want to drink the most but it can only lead to disaster. Also, go in with a promise to yourself that you will not react. Refuse to fight!
After the holidays, consider writing your brother a letter, one that is kind and expresses your sadness over the loss of your relationship. Tell him that you miss him; extend a hand. Perhaps apologize for your part and if you don't know what that is, be prepared to listen to his side of the story. You may have hurt him unwittingly. It is better to be happy than to fight or be "right."
Good luck!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I am very troubled over my relationship with my brother. We were pretty close growing up and then even closer when our father died during our teenage years. We now share the responsibility for our ailing mother so it is important that we get along. But for some time now, we seem to be at odds. I think my sister in-law dislikes me so that does not help, but I honestly do not understand why he seems so angry toward me. I would really like to be closer to him. It is really painful now that the holidays are approaching. I dread being in the same room.
Signed,
Hurt Sibling
Dear Hurt Sibling,
This is most unfortunate and I hope that I can help. Thankfully, most siblings remain close and actually provide a great emotional attachment for each other for 20 years or more beyond their parental ties. They are clearly lucky but it goes beyond luck. There are many siblings at odds as you say, or in a kind of cold war. There are even studies that show that siblings account for about 60 percent of domestic violence, when living under the same roof.
There are many causes for sibling problems and I hope parents that read this will pay attention because this can truly be a great source of pain for everyone later in life.
Sibling rivalry is common place among Americans. The good news is that parents can do a lot to intervene if they understand it, look for it and do something about it.
I advise parents to find a way to include their first child when they have the second. Have that child help with the new baby; find special time for the first and realize how easy it is for that child to become jealous if you don't. Often sibling problems are rooted in one child being viewed as favored even when it isn't so. Even if it is, one hopes that the parents will go out of their way not to show favoritism.
Sometimes there is family dysfunction and one child becomes the scapegoat. This clearly leads to the perception of one or more being favored. Sometimes a parent is ill and the eldest has to assume a parental role which can lead to hostility toward that child. This is because they are either perceived as bossy or sometimes because they did not fulfill the subconscious needs and expectations of the younger ones who hoped that they would be more like the missing parent.
Of course, even in the same family, all children are not alike. Some may be better looking, more popular or end up more accomplished and as adults, perhaps have a better socioeconomic status. Jealousy is definitely a big factor in sibling problems. Even as adults, new problems can occur because of jealousy or anger. It might be over one having more success, or over lifestyle or politics. It can also happen when one has or feels like they have the lion's share of responsibility for the family or aging parents.
In-laws can definitely be divisive, especially if they have an agenda or ax to grind. This is especially difficult to deal with if your sibling does not honor your attachment or have the courage to stand up for it.
Finally, money causes more problems when it gets toward the end of the line with parents, and the family as you have known it draws to a close. It's hard to know when it is really about greed or when the sadness is replaced by anger at feeling cheated by the loss. If there is a will that is fair, there should not be a problem, but we have all heard the horror stories.
As for the holidays, your first priority should be to get through them in a peaceful way. If you get together, consider your seating arrangement and definitely keep alcohol at a minimum. This may be when you want to drink the most but it can only lead to disaster. Also, go in with a promise to yourself that you will not react. Refuse to fight!
After the holidays, consider writing your brother a letter, one that is kind and expresses your sadness over the loss of your relationship. Tell him that you miss him; extend a hand. Perhaps apologize for your part and if you don't know what that is, be prepared to listen to his side of the story. You may have hurt him unwittingly. It is better to be happy than to fight or be "right."
Good luck!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Friday, December 24, 2010
Addiction is a serious problem
Sometimes making a new years resolution to quit drinking isn't enough to combat a serious problem. We need support. Dr. Barge weighs in.
Dear New Shrink,
I have tried to stop drinking but have not been able to, even after getting a DUI. But I feel ready and have made a New Year's resolution to stop! My family wants me to go to rehab but I really do not think I need it. What do you think? How do others do it?
Signed,
Determined
Dear Determined,
You can resolve all you want but it won't help if you have a problem. I don't know you, so I cannot say what is best but with a DUI and your family thinking you need rehab, it looks like you just might have a problem that is a little more serious than you think. This is not to say you need a $60,000 rehab but you probably should not try to go it alone. Few people are able to do it on their own, without support you probably will not make it and if you do, you will be "white knuckling it," meaning that you will basically be what is known as a dry drunk and you won't have the serenity that can come with a recovery program.
The word rehab actually means rehabilitation and this can happen in a number of ways. It has come to be associated with in-patient programs but while they are fashionable, they are not always necessary. They actually are more of a luxury than necessity in many cases. Not everyone needs horses, pilates and a gourmet chef in order to get sober.
For more than half a century, most folks with a drinking problem just walked into AA meetings and with the love and support they found from others who really understood them, they often did just fine. Because of its success, there are now 12-step meetings for almost every form of addiction.
But as other drug use increased along with the use of alcohol, and because of what is known as dual diagnosis, some people required a lot more than meetings alone. Dual diagnosis is when there is a mental health problem along with substance abuse and/or other addictions.
In-patient programs started to spread in the 1980s but then many shut down because they were costly, insurance would no longer pay for them and they often did not yield better results. Now there are far fewer and many of them are very costly.
The advantage of course is that you are taken away from your current environment where there are multiple triggers and most likely, co-dependent relationships. You have lots of doctors and counselors helping you 24/7 while you focus on your addiction and recovery. For people with multiple addictions and serious situations at home, this is often preferred if affordable.
But while this might be nice, even ideal, not everyone has the money or can get away. Some people don't want it. They prefer to start privately and quietly. The good news is that out-patient treatment has worked very well for the majority of folks for many years now.
You have the option of seeking help with a physician who is certified in addiction medicine or you can see a psychologist who is certified in the treatment of substance abuse or addictions. Both will do thorough evaluations and you can begin an individualized treatment program. If detoxification is needed, it can be arranged. Most alcoholics or alcohol addicts can detoxify at home with minor medications. Your family may be asked to come in for some counseling with you. This is a critical step because the people who love you will often be your biggest enablers and probably have some feelings to work out themselves. You are going to need your relationships to be healthy. And for married alcoholics who get sober, there are only three options: get help together, go back to drinking or split up.
A good doctor that really knows about addiction will help you sort out your relationships, make a healthy environment for yourself and help you to identify and work on any psychological problems that contributed to this in the first place. Ideally you will also go to 12-step meetings where you have 24/7 support from people who truly care but some get sober without it. All of this can be done out-patient and is far less costly.
Bottom line, you have four choices: go it alone; go to 12-step meetings only; go into rehab; or see a specialist who can help you while you continue to live at home.
Good Luck!
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
How to get a man in your life to talk about his depressed feelings
Brentwood CA Therapist Dr. Barge gives advice on this difficult issue
Dear New Shrink,
My family is very worried about my brother. Over the past year he has become increasingly sullen, moody, irritable and difficult to get along with. He is very successful in his career and he is also the oldest child, which seems to contribute to his attitude of "you can't tell me anything." His wife is getting kind of fed up and frankly, we don't understand how this change in him — he is almost like a stranger — could keep from interfering with his job performance. We think he is depressed, but he insists that he is not. Is it possible that he is depressed and how can we tell for sure and how can we tell him?
Signed,
Worried
Dear Worried,
Depression is absolutely a possibility, in fact it sounds like a pretty good hunch on your part. The fact that he denies it means nothing and actually is fairly common among men. In our society, men tend to think they are not real men, that they are somehow weak, if they admit to the feelings or symptoms that go along with depression such as hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, exhaustion, sadness, moodiness, or not being able to take care of oneself.
Depression can take on many forms but there are two that I want to highlight. In the mental health field we refer to these as retarded depression or agitated depression. The first is evidenced by someone being slowed down, sad, tired, and weepy and actually, more obviously depressed. The agitated type shows up as agitation, irritability, short-tempered, difficult. Unfortunately, it is the type we are least sympathetic to and it can be the most dangerous. These are the folks that can put their foot to the pedal and drive off a cliff.
An agitated depression often causes others to get fed up and walk away from the person they once loved, or admired or worked so well with. You have good reason to worry about your brother because many men simply will not admit to this and they stand a four times greater chance of committing suicide. Depression is also linked to heart attacks, strokes and other serious medical problems. Men are more likely to try to mask their problem with alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior that becomes a distraction and makes them feel better temporarily, but can lead to dire consequences.
Women are much more likely to discuss their depressed feelings openly. Unfortunately, we have come to accept depression in women and actually for hundreds of years, depression was thought of as a woman's disease. It was literally thought to be connected to the hormonal problems that women can experience along with their menstrual periods or menopause.
We now know that depression exists in the brain, whether it started there or not. It is not something one chooses to have; it is actually very painful. This is not to say that we do not make our own choices along the way that may lead us into a depression, we do. Anger turned inward is a major cause of depression. But by the time you have these symptoms and it becomes unbearable to you or those around you, it is in the brain.
Fortunately, there are many excellent treatments now and new ones coming all the time. Neuroscience has shown that certain types of talk therapy can actually change depression in the brain and there is also an array of good medication. The problem is in getting someone to admit to depression and seek the help that they need. It can be difficult for anyone to admit to; we are a society that likes to think we can control just about anything.
If you are a guy who is feeling irritable, becomes easily frustrated over small things, finds yourself screaming at people you care about and you simply do not feel good, be courageous and take charge of your life now. Get the help you need. Talk to your doctor or call a mental health professional. Go online and find out about depression; it really can happen to anyone, a man or a woman.
For men who just cannot seem to do it, maybe their wives, sisters or relatives will have to start the process. Worried, you and your family can see a professional to help you find the best way to approach your brother, if he can't do it. Usually, it is worth the effort.
Good Luck!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Dear New Shrink,
My family is very worried about my brother. Over the past year he has become increasingly sullen, moody, irritable and difficult to get along with. He is very successful in his career and he is also the oldest child, which seems to contribute to his attitude of "you can't tell me anything." His wife is getting kind of fed up and frankly, we don't understand how this change in him — he is almost like a stranger — could keep from interfering with his job performance. We think he is depressed, but he insists that he is not. Is it possible that he is depressed and how can we tell for sure and how can we tell him?
Signed,
Worried
Dear Worried,
Depression is absolutely a possibility, in fact it sounds like a pretty good hunch on your part. The fact that he denies it means nothing and actually is fairly common among men. In our society, men tend to think they are not real men, that they are somehow weak, if they admit to the feelings or symptoms that go along with depression such as hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, exhaustion, sadness, moodiness, or not being able to take care of oneself.
Depression can take on many forms but there are two that I want to highlight. In the mental health field we refer to these as retarded depression or agitated depression. The first is evidenced by someone being slowed down, sad, tired, and weepy and actually, more obviously depressed. The agitated type shows up as agitation, irritability, short-tempered, difficult. Unfortunately, it is the type we are least sympathetic to and it can be the most dangerous. These are the folks that can put their foot to the pedal and drive off a cliff.
An agitated depression often causes others to get fed up and walk away from the person they once loved, or admired or worked so well with. You have good reason to worry about your brother because many men simply will not admit to this and they stand a four times greater chance of committing suicide. Depression is also linked to heart attacks, strokes and other serious medical problems. Men are more likely to try to mask their problem with alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior that becomes a distraction and makes them feel better temporarily, but can lead to dire consequences.
Women are much more likely to discuss their depressed feelings openly. Unfortunately, we have come to accept depression in women and actually for hundreds of years, depression was thought of as a woman's disease. It was literally thought to be connected to the hormonal problems that women can experience along with their menstrual periods or menopause.
We now know that depression exists in the brain, whether it started there or not. It is not something one chooses to have; it is actually very painful. This is not to say that we do not make our own choices along the way that may lead us into a depression, we do. Anger turned inward is a major cause of depression. But by the time you have these symptoms and it becomes unbearable to you or those around you, it is in the brain.
Fortunately, there are many excellent treatments now and new ones coming all the time. Neuroscience has shown that certain types of talk therapy can actually change depression in the brain and there is also an array of good medication. The problem is in getting someone to admit to depression and seek the help that they need. It can be difficult for anyone to admit to; we are a society that likes to think we can control just about anything.
If you are a guy who is feeling irritable, becomes easily frustrated over small things, finds yourself screaming at people you care about and you simply do not feel good, be courageous and take charge of your life now. Get the help you need. Talk to your doctor or call a mental health professional. Go online and find out about depression; it really can happen to anyone, a man or a woman.
For men who just cannot seem to do it, maybe their wives, sisters or relatives will have to start the process. Worried, you and your family can see a professional to help you find the best way to approach your brother, if he can't do it. Usually, it is worth the effort.
Good Luck!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Monday, December 20, 2010
How to tell if your child is actually depressed and not
Dear New Shrink,
After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?
Signed,
Curious Mom
Dear Curious Mom,
Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.
Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.
While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.
In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.
In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.
Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.
The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.
The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.
Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.
We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.
Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?
Signed,
Curious Mom
Dear Curious Mom,
Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.
Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.
While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.
In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.
In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.
Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.
The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.
The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.
Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.
We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.
Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Brentwood therapist Dr Barge gives insight on how to deal with the plight of the economy
Have you lost your job? Has someone in your family or close to you lost theirs? Or have you or your family lost a significant amount of your savings, or worse yet, your home?
Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.
Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.
Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.
Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.
This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.
So what can we do during these tough economic times?
If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.
In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.
We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.
Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.
Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.
Try these things:
1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.
2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.
3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.
4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.
You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.
Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.
Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press
Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.
Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.
Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.
Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.
This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.
So what can we do during these tough economic times?
If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.
In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.
We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.
Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.
Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.
Try these things:
1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.
2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.
3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.
4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.
You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.
Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.
Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press
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