Brentwood CA Therapist Dr. Barge gives advice on this difficult issue
Dear New Shrink,
My family is very worried about my brother. Over the past year he has become increasingly sullen, moody, irritable and difficult to get along with. He is very successful in his career and he is also the oldest child, which seems to contribute to his attitude of "you can't tell me anything." His wife is getting kind of fed up and frankly, we don't understand how this change in him — he is almost like a stranger — could keep from interfering with his job performance. We think he is depressed, but he insists that he is not. Is it possible that he is depressed and how can we tell for sure and how can we tell him?
Signed,
Worried
Dear Worried,
Depression is absolutely a possibility, in fact it sounds like a pretty good hunch on your part. The fact that he denies it means nothing and actually is fairly common among men. In our society, men tend to think they are not real men, that they are somehow weak, if they admit to the feelings or symptoms that go along with depression such as hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, exhaustion, sadness, moodiness, or not being able to take care of oneself.
Depression can take on many forms but there are two that I want to highlight. In the mental health field we refer to these as retarded depression or agitated depression. The first is evidenced by someone being slowed down, sad, tired, and weepy and actually, more obviously depressed. The agitated type shows up as agitation, irritability, short-tempered, difficult. Unfortunately, it is the type we are least sympathetic to and it can be the most dangerous. These are the folks that can put their foot to the pedal and drive off a cliff.
An agitated depression often causes others to get fed up and walk away from the person they once loved, or admired or worked so well with. You have good reason to worry about your brother because many men simply will not admit to this and they stand a four times greater chance of committing suicide. Depression is also linked to heart attacks, strokes and other serious medical problems. Men are more likely to try to mask their problem with alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior that becomes a distraction and makes them feel better temporarily, but can lead to dire consequences.
Women are much more likely to discuss their depressed feelings openly. Unfortunately, we have come to accept depression in women and actually for hundreds of years, depression was thought of as a woman's disease. It was literally thought to be connected to the hormonal problems that women can experience along with their menstrual periods or menopause.
We now know that depression exists in the brain, whether it started there or not. It is not something one chooses to have; it is actually very painful. This is not to say that we do not make our own choices along the way that may lead us into a depression, we do. Anger turned inward is a major cause of depression. But by the time you have these symptoms and it becomes unbearable to you or those around you, it is in the brain.
Fortunately, there are many excellent treatments now and new ones coming all the time. Neuroscience has shown that certain types of talk therapy can actually change depression in the brain and there is also an array of good medication. The problem is in getting someone to admit to depression and seek the help that they need. It can be difficult for anyone to admit to; we are a society that likes to think we can control just about anything.
If you are a guy who is feeling irritable, becomes easily frustrated over small things, finds yourself screaming at people you care about and you simply do not feel good, be courageous and take charge of your life now. Get the help you need. Talk to your doctor or call a mental health professional. Go online and find out about depression; it really can happen to anyone, a man or a woman.
For men who just cannot seem to do it, maybe their wives, sisters or relatives will have to start the process. Worried, you and your family can see a professional to help you find the best way to approach your brother, if he can't do it. Usually, it is worth the effort.
Good Luck!
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Showing posts with label therapist los angeles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapist los angeles. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
How to tell if your child is actually depressed and not
Dear New Shrink,
After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?
Signed,
Curious Mom
Dear Curious Mom,
Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.
Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.
While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.
In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.
In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.
Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.
The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.
The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.
Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.
We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.
Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?
Signed,
Curious Mom
Dear Curious Mom,
Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.
Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.
While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.
In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.
In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.
Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.
The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.
The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.
Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.
We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.
Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Brentwood therapist Dr Barge gives insight on how to deal with the plight of the economy
Have you lost your job? Has someone in your family or close to you lost theirs? Or have you or your family lost a significant amount of your savings, or worse yet, your home?
Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.
Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.
Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.
Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.
This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.
So what can we do during these tough economic times?
If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.
In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.
We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.
Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.
Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.
Try these things:
1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.
2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.
3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.
4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.
You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.
Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.
Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press
Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.
Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.
Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.
Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.
This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.
So what can we do during these tough economic times?
If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.
In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.
We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.
Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.
Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.
Try these things:
1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.
2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.
3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.
4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.
You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.
Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.
Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Hug or not to Hug
Do you come from a non-affectionate family and have trouble showing affection to the ones you love? Dr Barge weighs in on how to overcome those barriers.
Dear New Shrink,
I have been wondering and worrying about how I can let the people I love know that I love them. I come from a kind of hands off, non-demonstrative family and we just do not say I love you or even give hugs or embraces. Yet I know we all care deeply about one another. I find myself following in the same foot steps, but I want to change it. I just do not know how to go about it. I am known for sending the best cards, with the best messages, but while this may be good enough for those I send them to, I don't feel satisfied or that I have communicated the deeper and close feelings that I really have.
Can you suggest anything?
Signed,
Not sure
Dear Not Sure,
Well you sound like someone who has matured enough to understand that someone we deeply care about can be taken from us in a flash. I don't mean to seem morbid but it is one of those things about life that is unfortunately true.
I have had a number of close friends that have lost someone suddenly and a couple of my own friends died prematurely. Having studied attachment and loss, I can promise you one thing; if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss. We are always grief stricken with loss of any kind, but if we have unfinished business, left over resentment or we simply have not said the things we needed to say to someone, loss hits us much harder. I have had patients that literally spent years regretting that they never told someone that they loved them, or made it clear how important that somebody was to them.
While you haven't said anything about loss, I wanted to include it because it may be an unconscious factor in your wanting to change. The other factor is probably your own desire for closeness. It is definitely more satisfying to be intimate and most of us need or crave it.
If you come from a family or culture, which can play a huge role, where folks do not seem to be demonstrative or know how to say I love you directly to each other, then it is normal for you to be hesitant or not to know how to go about it.
My recommendation is to start slow, with baby steps so to speak. First off, pick the people you want to do this with the most or that might be the easiest for you. Make a list of the top few then make a list for the next people in line.
Start by putting a hand on their shoulder, then if it works out, next time try an arm around the shoulders with a quick squeeze. Perhaps you try a peck on the cheek if and when appropriate. Stick with this for a while and then when it feels comfortable, you can move to a hug. As things move along organically and it all feels OK, then try a bigger hug or saying I love you.
It's important to go slowly because you don't want to scare people. If you have never done it, and you start off with a big bang, they are going to wonder if something is wrong, maybe you have an illness and are not telling them. Maybe they will think you have taken to smoking something. The point is you do not want to scare anyone and if you are too quick and too much all at once, you will.
A slow and gradual approach will probably be easier for you as well as more comfortable for them.
I must warn you, there are those folks that simply do not like demonstration of feeling and never get comfortable with it. I think if you do it in this slow and easy way, you will know who to continue with. Don't take it personally if someone you care about is uncomfortable and seems to back off. They might just be one of these people who are just too uncomfortable or it may be that the next time around, they will be more responsive. This latter example is generally the case.
I think most of us like to hear that someone cares about or loves us. It really is just a matter of not changing it up on them too fast.
Good Luck; I am sure you can do it.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I have been wondering and worrying about how I can let the people I love know that I love them. I come from a kind of hands off, non-demonstrative family and we just do not say I love you or even give hugs or embraces. Yet I know we all care deeply about one another. I find myself following in the same foot steps, but I want to change it. I just do not know how to go about it. I am known for sending the best cards, with the best messages, but while this may be good enough for those I send them to, I don't feel satisfied or that I have communicated the deeper and close feelings that I really have.
Can you suggest anything?
Signed,
Not sure
Dear Not Sure,
Well you sound like someone who has matured enough to understand that someone we deeply care about can be taken from us in a flash. I don't mean to seem morbid but it is one of those things about life that is unfortunately true.
I have had a number of close friends that have lost someone suddenly and a couple of my own friends died prematurely. Having studied attachment and loss, I can promise you one thing; if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss. We are always grief stricken with loss of any kind, but if we have unfinished business, left over resentment or we simply have not said the things we needed to say to someone, loss hits us much harder. I have had patients that literally spent years regretting that they never told someone that they loved them, or made it clear how important that somebody was to them.
While you haven't said anything about loss, I wanted to include it because it may be an unconscious factor in your wanting to change. The other factor is probably your own desire for closeness. It is definitely more satisfying to be intimate and most of us need or crave it.
If you come from a family or culture, which can play a huge role, where folks do not seem to be demonstrative or know how to say I love you directly to each other, then it is normal for you to be hesitant or not to know how to go about it.
My recommendation is to start slow, with baby steps so to speak. First off, pick the people you want to do this with the most or that might be the easiest for you. Make a list of the top few then make a list for the next people in line.
Start by putting a hand on their shoulder, then if it works out, next time try an arm around the shoulders with a quick squeeze. Perhaps you try a peck on the cheek if and when appropriate. Stick with this for a while and then when it feels comfortable, you can move to a hug. As things move along organically and it all feels OK, then try a bigger hug or saying I love you.
It's important to go slowly because you don't want to scare people. If you have never done it, and you start off with a big bang, they are going to wonder if something is wrong, maybe you have an illness and are not telling them. Maybe they will think you have taken to smoking something. The point is you do not want to scare anyone and if you are too quick and too much all at once, you will.
A slow and gradual approach will probably be easier for you as well as more comfortable for them.
I must warn you, there are those folks that simply do not like demonstration of feeling and never get comfortable with it. I think if you do it in this slow and easy way, you will know who to continue with. Don't take it personally if someone you care about is uncomfortable and seems to back off. They might just be one of these people who are just too uncomfortable or it may be that the next time around, they will be more responsive. This latter example is generally the case.
I think most of us like to hear that someone cares about or loves us. It really is just a matter of not changing it up on them too fast.
Good Luck; I am sure you can do it.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Brentwood Psychologist gives advice on how to react when a friend cuts you off
Dear New Shrink,
I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.
I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,
Sad and disappointed
Dear Sad and disappointed,
There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.
There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.
If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.
If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?
You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.
You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.
Good luck.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.
I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,
Sad and disappointed
Dear Sad and disappointed,
There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.
There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.
If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.
If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?
You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.
You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.
Good luck.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Monday, December 6, 2010
Brentwood Therapist Dr Barge gives advice on dating IQ
Do you know someone who is highly intelligent that falls hopelessly in the dating arena? Listen in.
Dear New Shrink,
Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.
For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.
She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!
While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.
I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.
Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?
Dear Maybe,
First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.
However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?
Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.
This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.
About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.
If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.
As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.
Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.
For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.
She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!
While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.
I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.
Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?
Dear Maybe,
First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.
However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?
Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.
This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.
About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.
If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.
As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.
Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Sunday, November 28, 2010
How to enjoy the holiday spirit at a work function without making regrets
Dear New Shrink,
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Saturday, November 20, 2010
How can a 'nice guy" end up on such a horrible path?
Dear New Shrink,
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
How to deal with Depression
Dear New Shrink,
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Friday, November 12, 2010
Having a hard time balancing priorites? Brentwood Psychologist Dr Barge gives advice on deciding on the things you really want
Dear New Shrink,
Recently I have become increasingly stressed out trying to do all of the things that are important to me. I have a career, hobby, girlfriend and social life, each of which I feel dedicated to. I think that I am good at time management, which seems like the logical answer. But when I prioritize one or two over the others, I end up wondering what I should be doing in the other areas, if I had the time.
Signed,
Rubber Ducky
Dear Rubber Ducky,
When I got your question I immediately thought that the name you chose to sign in with was interesting. Rubber Ducky. A rubber ducky floats around in the bathtub. They never sink unless you pop a hole in them but they don't get very far either; they just float around in circles. It sounds to me like this might be what you are saying? If it's not, then maybe it's time that you take a long hot relaxing bath and contemplate what is really important to you and where you want your life to be in five years.
Your stress does not seem like a time management issue; it sounds more like how do I fit it all in or what do I really want? I suspect that you are young because the older we get, the more established our careers become and we usually have picked a life partner and have made the choices we needed to make. All of your interests sound important but if you are really honest with yourself, some are going to be more important to you than others. You probably want it all because most of us do, but this is rarely possible and only so if you are able to integrate all of your interests in some way. For example, can you connect your social life with your career goals? Is your girlfriend interested in your career and friends? Are you interested in hers? Hopefully so, because you will want to do some of these things together, if you intend on having a future. It's also ideal if you share some of the same hobbies or recreational interests. Research on marital satisfaction has shown that you need to be highly compatible in four of five areas, if you are to be happy. These areas of intimacy are intellectual, emotional, sexual, social and recreational. Social intimacy means the sharing of a network of friends and recreational means enjoying many of the same things that you do for fun. The last two seem to apply to you.
Imagining where you want to be, what you want your life to look like in five years should really help you to prioritize. Take some time to really think about it and be honest with yourself. This should eliminate your stress and make you feel more comfortable for now. However, as you get older, if you marry and have children, your friends and recreational activities will change.
It's important to have some friends and hobbies outside of your work and relationship. This makes for a good life balance and helps to ensure that you do not feel as if you have compromised yourself. Folks who already have careers and families sometimes discover that they have made some bad choices for themselves, mostly in terms of giving up hobbies or certain friends. If this is the case, hopefully they have emotional intimacy (can freely share feelings) and will talk about what they truly need.
It's important that you do not let guilt get in the way; you won't be doing your girlfriend any favors. If you cannot be honest with yourself and your partner, you will just build resentment. And I promise you, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment. If you have already let this happen, you should not worry. The good news is that once the resentment is resolved, the flame almost always returns. Talk about it, work it out.
Lastly, we all need to learn that we cannot be all things to all people. It's important to know who we are and what we want from life. Everyone is not going to like us and we save ourselves a lot of wasted time if we just learn to be true to ourselves, the sooner the better. When we do this, the other things will begin to fall into place.
Thanks for writing in and best of luck to you.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Recently I have become increasingly stressed out trying to do all of the things that are important to me. I have a career, hobby, girlfriend and social life, each of which I feel dedicated to. I think that I am good at time management, which seems like the logical answer. But when I prioritize one or two over the others, I end up wondering what I should be doing in the other areas, if I had the time.
Signed,
Rubber Ducky
Dear Rubber Ducky,
When I got your question I immediately thought that the name you chose to sign in with was interesting. Rubber Ducky. A rubber ducky floats around in the bathtub. They never sink unless you pop a hole in them but they don't get very far either; they just float around in circles. It sounds to me like this might be what you are saying? If it's not, then maybe it's time that you take a long hot relaxing bath and contemplate what is really important to you and where you want your life to be in five years.
Your stress does not seem like a time management issue; it sounds more like how do I fit it all in or what do I really want? I suspect that you are young because the older we get, the more established our careers become and we usually have picked a life partner and have made the choices we needed to make. All of your interests sound important but if you are really honest with yourself, some are going to be more important to you than others. You probably want it all because most of us do, but this is rarely possible and only so if you are able to integrate all of your interests in some way. For example, can you connect your social life with your career goals? Is your girlfriend interested in your career and friends? Are you interested in hers? Hopefully so, because you will want to do some of these things together, if you intend on having a future. It's also ideal if you share some of the same hobbies or recreational interests. Research on marital satisfaction has shown that you need to be highly compatible in four of five areas, if you are to be happy. These areas of intimacy are intellectual, emotional, sexual, social and recreational. Social intimacy means the sharing of a network of friends and recreational means enjoying many of the same things that you do for fun. The last two seem to apply to you.
Imagining where you want to be, what you want your life to look like in five years should really help you to prioritize. Take some time to really think about it and be honest with yourself. This should eliminate your stress and make you feel more comfortable for now. However, as you get older, if you marry and have children, your friends and recreational activities will change.
It's important to have some friends and hobbies outside of your work and relationship. This makes for a good life balance and helps to ensure that you do not feel as if you have compromised yourself. Folks who already have careers and families sometimes discover that they have made some bad choices for themselves, mostly in terms of giving up hobbies or certain friends. If this is the case, hopefully they have emotional intimacy (can freely share feelings) and will talk about what they truly need.
It's important that you do not let guilt get in the way; you won't be doing your girlfriend any favors. If you cannot be honest with yourself and your partner, you will just build resentment. And I promise you, nothing puts the flame out faster than resentment. If you have already let this happen, you should not worry. The good news is that once the resentment is resolved, the flame almost always returns. Talk about it, work it out.
Lastly, we all need to learn that we cannot be all things to all people. It's important to know who we are and what we want from life. Everyone is not going to like us and we save ourselves a lot of wasted time if we just learn to be true to ourselves, the sooner the better. When we do this, the other things will begin to fall into place.
Thanks for writing in and best of luck to you.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Monday, October 11, 2010
Meet Dr Barge therapist in Brentwood Ca 90049!
Get to know Dr Barge and her unique outlook on a therapists roll in healing:
"I am often asked, "How can you listen to people's problems all day long?" This is not at all what I do. I do not just listen to problems; I listen to people in their entirety. I hear so much more than their problems! I hear the songs in their hearts, their dreams, their sadness and losses but most of all, I hear their answers, the way out, that light at the end of the tunnel. It is really a joy to be a part of the process of discovery and finding happiness and solutions. I believe in people and I trust that there is something for anyone who is truly looking. Whatever type of work we do together, the joy of my work is in getting there!"
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