We say the darndest things

Q: This question comes out of numerous recent discussions I have had. Why is it that we sometimes say the meanest things and hurt those we care about? Why do they do it to us?

- Signed,
Sorry

A: Dear Sorry,

This is a great question and I want to remind you that your personal information will be kept strictly confidential.

There are many reasons for saying hurtful things to those we love, and we are all subject to it.

One reason has to do with our state of mind. Our state of mind can vary from day to day or sometimes within an hour. Some of us have steady state of mind, most of the time. But no one has the same state of mind all of the time. Sometimes we feel stressed out, tired, vulnerable or just simply more fragile. Maybe it is from a bad night's sleep, financial worries, a hard day at work, skipping a meal, or PMS. Being caught off guard, especially when our state of mind is not ideal can cause us to snap at people or even bite someone's head off.

We also have basic instincts. If someone says something that we misinterpret or maybe they say something that is insensitive or a bit on the cruel side, our most immediate response will be to retaliate. If we feel attacked, we tend to want to attack back. This is basic in the animal kingdom, but humans have a frontal lobe lending to our capacity to stop ourselves, think things through and not attack. But if we are in a vulnerable state of mind, we may not always catch ourselves. Of course there are things that can interfere with this capacity like drinking or drug use or maybe just being overly tired, hungry or stressed.

Most remarks are made due to misunderstandings; something left over, not communicated or plain old misinterpretation. There is also what is known as displacement. This happens when you are really upset with someone or something else but you take it out on the person closest to you. If you find yourself snapping at others or saying hurtful things, the first step is to evaluate your own state of mind. Are you run down, in need of a break, overly stressed? Or maybe your problem is situation or person specific, in this case look inside yourself for built up resentments. Resentment literally means feelings re-sent so look for old hurt or anger that keeps coming back. See what you can do to clean your own house so to speak.

Sometimes writing is a great tool. Make a list of the ways that you feel you have been wronged and evaluate it. It's best to read this with someone you know you can trust. Talking about what's on the list, if you believe in prayer, praying about it or actually just being honest with yourself can take you a long way. Maybe just write yourself a note about what is troubling you. Once you have done this, you may discover that there is something to talk over with the person you have been short with or the people involved in your troubling situation.

Perhaps you start with an amends; "I am really sorry that I snapped at you the other day or I am sorry that I said that to you. I have been doing some soul searching and realized that I have been upset over -----; I am hoping that we can resolve this." While this takes courage it almost always results in understanding and a better relationship.

There are few people who can say that they have never lashed out or snapped at someone. Most of us have said things that we regret to the people we care about the most. This may be worse these days when most of us are overly busy and have difficulty handling all the stress in our lives. It's important to forgive ourselves and to make amends, to say you are sorry and mean it. Otherwise, my only advice is to do your best to take care of yourself, be reflective about your state of mind so that you choose the best times for sensitive conversations, and be as honest with yourself as you can be on an ongoing basis, so that you do not build up unnecessary resentments. Know that our basic instinct is to retaliate so we must learn to count to 10, take a deep breath or think things through before opening our mouths. That way no biting tongue can ever come out!

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Friend or not a friend?

Dr New Shrink,

I have a friend who constantly criticizes me. He has a very sarcastic personality so he plays it off as humor. Recently he's been blatantly ignoring me when we are in a group situation or making me feel as if I am not welcome. Then all of a sudden, he's really nice to me.

As far as I can tell, I'm not changing my own behavior. I have no idea why his attitude toward me swings so much. I can't really approach him because he will laugh it off and say I'm being overly sensitive and can't take a joke. Why do friends feel the need to bring each other down or be so competitive?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,

This question is a loaded one! It has me spinning a bit. My first question to you is what is your definition of friendship? I think most would agree that friends do not act this way. Oh sure, we can step on each other's toes, hurt each other's feelings and at times want to get even with one another. But friends talk to each other, at least real friends do. When a relationship is important to us, we talk things out. There may be times we simply cannot muster up the courage, so we act "strange," in hopes that the other will ask us what is wrong. But you say that you cannot even talk to this friend. He will only use it as a reason (weapon) to put you down again and make fun of you. If this is true, this is not a real friend.

The way that you describe all of this sounds like a very immature way of getting even, or actually it sounds a bit more like a lover's quarrel.

Perhaps the problem resides in you more than you would care to admit? Do you just go along with these mood swings? Are you there when this supposed friend is nice but yet say nothing when he is treating you badly? Do you confront him?

Have you hurt him in some way that you are not admitting to or are aware of? This may take some thought, but think hard, consider everything. Is he attracted to you but you are not attracted to him? Have you slighted him in the past? It sounds like he may want you to feel what he is feeling.

Some people are simply emotionally immature and so disturbed that they can only participate in what pop psychology calls "toxic relationships." What are his other relationships like? Perhaps he is one of these "toxic" people and if so, he needs some serious help.

Perhaps none of this applies, although I cannot help but wonder why he has picked you to pick on?

How much interest and fascination do you have with this guy? Do you have some internal battle you are fighting and hoping to win through him? Do you secretly enjoy some part of this drama? Does it make you feel special albeit in a hurtful way? What would happen if you let go of the energy you have attached to this and simply ignore his mood swings? What's more important to you, drama or connection?

Finally, I feel that it is important to address the last part of your question. When we are young and striving to get ahead, we sometimes are competitive without knowing it. But as we mature, we usually come to recognize that competition at the expense of another, especially someone we care about, someone we call a friend, is simply not worth it. We value our friendships and learn that we can all compete for what we want in the world without stepping on each other. Friends have each other's back. They truly care about each other and do what they can to contribute to each other's welfare.

As life marches on, you will find that your true friends will consist of a very small inner circle. Your social friends will form a circle just outside of that; still friends but just not as close. True friendships require time and work. It's nearly impossible to have very many. In any event, friends become an integral part of what is known as our social support network. Studies have consistently found that having a solid social support network contributes to our overall success in life and is very instrumental in maintaining good health and/or surviving a serious illness. Define your idea of friendship and classify your friends. Put people where they really belong in your life and you will be happier and healthier for it.

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Living with an addict can be difficult

Learn some tips to cope from Brentwood Psychologist Dr. Barge

Dear New Shrink,

My husband is an addict. He's been to rehab but is back on drugs again. We have two small children. I feel helpless, hurt, angry, and I am confused. I love him; I hate him. I want to leave but I don't. I cannot believe he is doing this to us. Please help.

Signed,
Helpless and Hopeless

Dear Helpless and Hopeless,

Living with an addict is a very hard thing to do. If you are anything like the other men or women who live with this, you are scared, you are disgusted and feeling increasingly depressed. You do not know what to tell your children, parents or friends. You think it is your fault but you are pretty sure that it is not. You think you can change it, if you can just find a way to make him happier.

You try everything you can think of to "make things better." You take it very personally. If he loved me, he would not do this to me/us. There are so many broken promises. Strange behaviors and terrible mood swings have turned your loved one into an unpredictable and frightening stranger. Unfortunately, many addicts have to do rehab more than once before it takes.

Perhaps you have read or heard the media say it is a "disease," an illness. It can be hard to believe and understandably so because, there is that element of volition. Obviously, if he would just not take a drink or use that drug, there would be no problem.

Unfortunately, choice, volition, is not in charge! It is at best, a small piece of the picture.

This is because the brain is involved and becomes impaired. With receptor sites wide open and on fire, neurological pathways coding both tolerance and euphoria, the central nervous system rebounding like a jack in the box each and every time the addict uses, addiction is just like a dog chasing its own tail!

"First the person takes the drug, then the drug takes the drug, then the drug takes the person." This modern version of a very old Japanese proverb, could not be truer. There are many reasons why someone may start drinking or taking other drugs: social or peer influences, medical reasons, or self-medicating emotional pain. However, it no longer matters what started it. Once the "drug starts taking the drug," your addict has crossed a fine line and the brain has now taken over. Addiction takes on a life of its own and stopping is not so easy. In fact, it is nearly impossible, on one's own.

Denial, the hallmark of addiction, makes the problem almost surreal. When you tell yourself that the problem is just temporary, due to stress or that you alone can turn things around, this is denial. Your countless failed attempts to control things have all been forms of denial.

Addicts deny the seriousness of their addiction, they blame others and they lie to themselves about their impact on others. When they do glimpse reality, they tell themselves they will quit tomorrow. They mean it, they believe it. It is all denial. In the same way that you think you might find a way to turn things around, addicts think they will "get a hold of" themselves.

As addiction progresses, nothing makes sense. More importantly, it has little or nothing to do with you and actually, at this point, it has very little to do with him either. It is all much bigger than either one of you and you are both in its grip!

What can you do? What should you do?

• Learn the three Cs: You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you surely cannot cure it!

• Know your addict needs help, not from you, from professionals and other addicts and alcoholics.

• Stop taking it personally!

• Learn compassion without guilt.

• Start focusing on taking care of yourself.

• Contact Al-Anon family groups, help for the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. Their Web site is www.al-anon.alateen.org

• Consider an intervention.

• Look for a psychotherapist who specializes in family problems and knows addiction treatment. Do not take their word for it, get some proof. Addiction is tricky and many well meaning therapists have done more harm than good because they simply did not grasp what they thought they understood.

• Finally, stay positive, there are thousands of recovering addicts and alcoholics.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Are you perhaps addicted to food?

 If so, diets may do nothing to curb your addictions.  Dr. Barge gives her thoughts. 

Dear New Shrink,

For most of my adult life I have struggled with weight and body image issues. Over the last two years I have gained over 50 pounds and can't seem to kick my unhealthy habits. I have tried a number of different diets and weight loss plans, all with only short-term results. During a recent doctor's visit, my physician asked me to think about the reasons I eat, and in particular the occasions or things that might cause me to overeat. This helped me to think about the underlying causes but do you have ideas of what I can do to take my mind off eating and help me to commit to losing weight for good?

Signed,
Overweight and Unhappy


Dear Overweight and Unhappy,

Congratulations to your physician! Most people think that the incredible weight problem and epidemic of obesity here in America is simply the result of poor food choices and bad lifestyles. While this is certainly part of it, it is anything but the whole picture. People that go on and off diets, gain and lose weight and feel bad about themselves like you do, are most likely struggling with food addiction.

Diets don't work! The weight loss industry is one of the biggest industries in our country precisely because diets do not work for most people. Those who lose weight and keep it off are the ones who adopt a lifelong food plan that means "eating to live rather than living to eat."

If you find yourself feeling ashamed and embarrassed because of your eating — hiding your food, eating until you feel sick, vomiting or using other unhealthy ways to lose weight quickly or varying three sizes in your clothes closet — odds are you have a food problem. Weight, which is the consequence of your problem with food, is not the primary issue.

Food is meant to fuel the body and while we all enjoy our comfort foods from time to time, when you find yourself eating for the wrong reasons, i.e., to self-soothe, to avoid feelings of loneliness, emptiness sadness or anger, you have a food problem and you need help.

As one of my successful patients says, "I am a food addict!" "I have an emotional attachment to anything I put in my mouth. I was afraid of my feelings and would use food to avoid them." She now attends Overeaters Anonymous, and does not eat sugar one day at a time. She is also working on herself in therapy.

This is a bit like admitting you are an alcoholic, one drink is too many. There are countless success stories from people who have gone to Overeater's Anonymous. As long as they work the program, they not only lose weight but learn to identify and free themselves from the underlying causes of their food addiction. Members pick their own abstinence plan. Another one of my patients who is doing quite well has picked three meals a day, two snacks and nothing in between. The patient that I quoted above has chosen no sugar or white flour, one day at a time. For her, if she has one cookie or piece of cake, she will eat the whole box or cake. Eating right has led both to feeling better physically and psychologically. One had gained 60 pounds and the other 80. And yes, they have both lost and are losing weight. Both are feeling happy with themselves.

I realize that it is very hard to take the first step of admitting you are an addict and may need this kind of help. If you are, you will be so much happier for it, you won't be sorry. Ideally, you will get a therapist to help you process your feelings as well. If you have been afraid of them for a long time, relapse is less likely with the support of a good therapist although many do just fine with OA alone.

If you simply do not see this as an answer for you, Weight Watchers has a good success rate as well. They have meetings, education, weigh-ins and a lot of support, similar to OA.

The right therapist can help you with identifying fears or feelings that you have been avoiding and then along with their support, you may be able to stick with a lifelong food plan that you choose for yourself. The important thing is that you should not try to do it alone.

Good Luck! I promise you that this can work if you really want it.

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Who would have thought?...

 ...that childbirth could lead to divorce.  Brentwood Psychologist Joanne Barge reacts to this unfortunate situation

Dear New Shrink,

I am very distraught. After 12 years of what I thought was a good marriage, I have discovered that my husband is having an affair. He blames it on me, but up until the time our child was born, we had a great sex life, were best friends and he never complained. Now with our child only 3 years old, it looks like we may not make it. I still love him and I beg him to go to counseling but he is completely shut down. Is this my fault? Am I crazy to want to make it work? Is there anything that I can do?

Signed,
Despondent

Dear Despondent,

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this and it makes total sense that you would be depressed. After all this time and a child together, it is not "crazy" to still love your husband.

I can't say how much fault is yours. Generally, when it comes to relationships, I think in terms of 50/50 or close to it. But fault is too strong a word. No one wants their marriage to fail. Relationships are full of conflict and require a lot of attention and work. Love is never enough. Assuming you picked a good partner, one whose character you liked, someone you had a lot in common with, then the secret of staying in love is communication.

What I find interesting is that you were great for nine years but not so good the last three, which coincides with the birth of your child. Unfortunately, that first little bundle of joy does not always bring happiness to a marriage. In fact, it is often the beginning of marital conflict. For many if not most of the couples I have seen, their trouble started with the birth of the first child.

Having children is the great event most people look toward and children bring lots of joy to most families. But the sad truth is that when you have your first child, you go from being a dyad to a triangle. Triangles are very difficult to negotiate and infants cannot be negotiated. Someone is going to be left out and it is usually the father.

All those romantic walks you use to take along the beach, long talks over a glass of chianti, lots of time for each other is now replaced with dirty diapers, spilled milk and little time for one another. Lack of sleep doesn't help either. But the real problem, should it occur, is a kind of unconscious process that takes place. Fathers often feel left out. Feeling replaced, jealously and anger bubbles up in them but good men say to themselves, "I want my child to have a good mother; I want my wife to be a good mother. What kind of man must I be if I have these feelings?" They feel guilty about their "bad" feelings. The natural impulse is to suppress them but this is not good for the relationship.

The truth is that these feelings are completely natural and normal and if you anticipate them and keep the lines of communication open, they don't have to cause problems in the relationship. Unfortunately, most couples do not think this will happen to them.

Often these feelings come out in sarcasm or he simply looks for other ways to get his emotional needs met. It can be anything from working long hours, drinking too much with the guys or having an affair. However, it doesn't just start there, usually there is some fighting and further distancing that occurs first. Mom being tired and needing extra support herself, may also feel abandoned. She probably doesn't even know what her husband is feeling, he may not know himself and with both feeling abandoned, arguments start over things that don't really matter. They don't even know why they are fighting. But increased feelings of alienation can lead to looking for getting needs met in other ways or places.

Clearly it could all be prevented and if there is not interruption of this downhill spiral, it can end in a bad way or at the very least yet best, in a counselor's office. Discovering the truth and realizing that you never stopped loving each other is the blessing that can come from talking this out and learning to enjoy your child together. The good news is that the second one is never as hard. There are no more triangles!

I hope you and your husband will consider this and that you can recapture what you had. Good luck.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Paying attention to red flags is important

 Too often we avoid red flags and latter regret it.  Dr Barge weighs in on when we should listen to our intuition.

Dear New Shrink,

Why do people ignore "red flags?" I know I have done it in the past with relationships. I now know better but never really understood why I did it. And now we are hearing about it again and again on the news. Why are we all so stupid?

Signed,
Do Not Understand

Dear Do Not Understand,

You ask a really interesting question. Definitely with these shootings by the Army psychiatrist, the rape of a 15-year-old girl in Richmond, the paroled man who kidnapped, raped and fathered children with a young girl and may have killed a number of others, this is an important question. Even with our quieter suicides, unfortunate or unnecessary deaths, broken marriages, bad relationships, almost always someone or a number of people come forward to talk about what they noticed but yet said or did nothing about. Obviously in the end, it does seem stupid. But the real causes range from minding our own business, being politically correct, not wanting to cause a problem, being unsure of ourselves, not trusting our instincts to hoping that "it" will just take care of itself, work itself out or someone else will do something. Most of these sort of run together but in my opinion, we really need to rethink this. There are simply too many disastrous results when we look the other way and ignore, as you say, the red flags.

Usually if we take the time out to listen to our instincts, our gut, we will know what we need to know. But the mind can get in the way and tell us a hundred reasons why we are wrong or shouldn't do anything about what we are intuiting. It's best to tell the chatter to shut up, go away and listen to what that deeper part of yourself is saying and even ask it, what are you picking up on? Something is going on here, what is it?

Once you feel strongly about what you are feeling, the next step is deciding what to do about it. Depending on what it is, there are numerous alternatives. If it's a personal matter, or something with a friend or relative, ask yourself what might happen if you don't say anything. In a relationship, problems that are not addressed often lead to the end of it. If a friend is drinking too much or engaging in self destructive behavior or maybe just seems depressed, ask yourself whether you are really being a good and caring friend if you do not say anything. There are ways to say things. In these personal matters, coming from the heart and making sure there is no negative judgment, resentment or criticizing, can make a big difference. It can actually save someone's life.

In larger matters where it's a colleague, fellow student or neighbor, sometimes it's best to be less direct and seek help or guidance. Ask others that you trust if they have noticed anything unusual or go to a higher up and explain that you are not trying to cause trouble but at the same time you don't want to be part of a really bad outcome. Share your concerns.

Back to why do we ignore red flags? I have answered much of your question but there is another reason, and that is hope — hope that it will go away, work itself out or someone else will fix it. Hope is an interesting thing. We need it at times, for sure. It is similar to faith but not exactly the same. Hope always includes fear; the fear that something will not happen or that what is hoped for will. If you really think about it, it is like a drug. We use hope like a drug, to make an uncomfortable reality go away. It is very different from trust. Generally trust has a rational, more solid basis. This is not to say that we haven't had situations where it turns out that what we trusted, we should not have. But hope is not based on rationale; it's just hope. We use it when we need it and sometimes we get lucky but often we do not.

These words faith, trust and hope are used interchangeably but they are not the same. Hope has a dark side to it. If you are hoping that the chemotherapy of a relative is going to work, it's understandable but you should also prepare yourself. When you are talking about red flags, it's best to ask yourself "do I trust that my partner is faithful to me, or that the neighbor or professor is going to do something about what I am noticing? Or am I hoping?" If you are hoping, you should rethink it and maybe pay more attention. Red flags do mean something!

Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Excessive worrying can be a burden too big to bare

Dr Barge has some insight on when worrying can be a little too much to be healthy, and in fact, quite unhealthy.

Dear New Shrink,

For the last few years, I have been suffering from chronic stomachaches, heartburn and acid reflux. My doctor says he believes these symptoms are all related to my stress level. I will admit I am somewhat of a worrier. There isn't anything unbearable or tragic going on in my life right now but I do constantly find myself worrying about work, school and what's going to happen tomorrow. I find myself even worrying about the littlest things. How can I control this? How can I stop worrying so much?

Help,
Worrywart

Dear Worrywart,

A lot of people worry in an excessive way. There is often something that might cause worry for most people but to be healthy, to keep it in perspective, worry should not be so excessive as to cause symptoms such as these or something similar like headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, insomnia or fatigue. Excessive worry is a complete waste of time; it does absolutely no good at all except that it can give us an illusion of being in control. In this sense, it is a defense mechanism. But as you point out indirectly in describing your painful symptoms, it is often a costly one. When you have stomach problems and acid reflux, your problem has become quite serious. Acid reflux can lead to cancer of the esophagus, one of the leading cancers in the United States right now. Worrying can also be easily classified as negative stress, which can compromise our immune systems. Not to mention, if you worry long enough and hard enough, you can drive your blood pressure up.

Sometimes, worrying is caused from an underlying anxiety disorder or what is known as obsessive-compulsive disorder. These conditions can be treated with a psychotropic medication from the SSRI group or with certain types of talk therapy. Meditation and yoga can also be helpful in teaching you how to control your own mind.

Certainly something needs to be done when it gets as bad as you describe. You said you are in school, so I wonder about your age and how long you have had these symptoms? The sooner you catch it, the better. You also say that nothing bad is going on "right now," so I wonder if something bad happened in the past. In a similar vein, I also wonder if something unexpected happened that was difficult for you to deal with. If so, you might have what is known as post-traumatic stress. There are a lot of questions I might ask if I were your doctor. For now, I would just say again, take this very seriously and find a solution that works for you.

Ask yourself why you think you might be worrying so much? Did something happen to you that you need to get over? Are you sure that there is nothing to worry about? Are your loved ones OK? Is someone close to you having problems that concern you? Is there anything that you can actually do? If so, do it but then work on letting it go.

Definitely ask yourself if you feel more in control when you worry. Does it really get you what you want? Ask yourself if it's worth it to worry so much; can you afford the consequences of these physical symptoms if they continue? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be. This alone can lead you to possible solutions.

Try exercise, which can eliminate stress, and try meditation or yoga. These things along with rigorous self-honesty can take you a long way. If you cannot stop this on your own, please recognize that you need help. The professional help you might need should be short and sweet, so to speak.

Most of all remember that worry is not an honest feeling. It is an emotion we design to give ourselves a sense of control. But it is only an illusion. What have you ever actually changed or even controlled with your worry? I recently wrote an article that included a similar sentiment about hope. Just like hope, worry can be used like a drug. It is not always used in good faith and it can either let us down or end up causing us unpleasant consequences. Use it if you need it, but learn to do so sparingly and appropriately but then, let it go. You will be better for it!

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Sibling stanoffs can be quite painful to bear

Brentwood Psychologist Dr. Barge gives tips on how to mend a seeming broken relationship with a sibling/

Dear New Shrink,

I am very troubled over my relationship with my brother. We were pretty close growing up and then even closer when our father died during our teenage years. We now share the responsibility for our ailing mother so it is important that we get along. But for some time now, we seem to be at odds. I think my sister in-law dislikes me so that does not help, but I honestly do not understand why he seems so angry toward me. I would really like to be closer to him. It is really painful now that the holidays are approaching. I dread being in the same room.

Signed,
Hurt Sibling


Dear Hurt Sibling,

This is most unfortunate and I hope that I can help. Thankfully, most siblings remain close and actually provide a great emotional attachment for each other for 20 years or more beyond their parental ties. They are clearly lucky but it goes beyond luck. There are many siblings at odds as you say, or in a kind of cold war. There are even studies that show that siblings account for about 60 percent of domestic violence, when living under the same roof.

There are many causes for sibling problems and I hope parents that read this will pay attention because this can truly be a great source of pain for everyone later in life.

Sibling rivalry is common place among Americans. The good news is that parents can do a lot to intervene if they understand it, look for it and do something about it.

I advise parents to find a way to include their first child when they have the second. Have that child help with the new baby; find special time for the first and realize how easy it is for that child to become jealous if you don't. Often sibling problems are rooted in one child being viewed as favored even when it isn't so. Even if it is, one hopes that the parents will go out of their way not to show favoritism.

Sometimes there is family dysfunction and one child becomes the scapegoat. This clearly leads to the perception of one or more being favored. Sometimes a parent is ill and the eldest has to assume a parental role which can lead to hostility toward that child. This is because they are either perceived as bossy or sometimes because they did not fulfill the subconscious needs and expectations of the younger ones who hoped that they would be more like the missing parent.

Of course, even in the same family, all children are not alike. Some may be better looking, more popular or end up more accomplished and as adults, perhaps have a better socioeconomic status. Jealousy is definitely a big factor in sibling problems. Even as adults, new problems can occur because of jealousy or anger. It might be over one having more success, or over lifestyle or politics. It can also happen when one has or feels like they have the lion's share of responsibility for the family or aging parents.

In-laws can definitely be divisive, especially if they have an agenda or ax to grind. This is especially difficult to deal with if your sibling does not honor your attachment or have the courage to stand up for it.

Finally, money causes more problems when it gets toward the end of the line with parents, and the family as you have known it draws to a close. It's hard to know when it is really about greed or when the sadness is replaced by anger at feeling cheated by the loss. If there is a will that is fair, there should not be a problem, but we have all heard the horror stories.

As for the holidays, your first priority should be to get through them in a peaceful way. If you get together, consider your seating arrangement and definitely keep alcohol at a minimum. This may be when you want to drink the most but it can only lead to disaster. Also, go in with a promise to yourself that you will not react. Refuse to fight!

After the holidays, consider writing your brother a letter, one that is kind and expresses your sadness over the loss of your relationship. Tell him that you miss him; extend a hand. Perhaps apologize for your part and if you don't know what that is, be prepared to listen to his side of the story. You may have hurt him unwittingly. It is better to be happy than to fight or be "right."

Good luck!

Dr. Barge
 **Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press

Addiction is a serious problem

Sometimes making a new years resolution to quit drinking isn't enough to combat a serious problem.  We need support.  Dr. Barge weighs in. 

Dear New Shrink,

I have tried to stop drinking but have not been able to, even after getting a DUI. But I feel ready and have made a New Year's resolution to stop! My family wants me to go to rehab but I really do not think I need it. What do you think? How do others do it?

Signed,
Determined

 
Dear Determined,

You can resolve all you want but it won't help if you have a problem. I don't know you, so I cannot say what is best but with a DUI and your family thinking you need rehab, it looks like you just might have a problem that is a little more serious than you think. This is not to say you need a $60,000 rehab but you probably should not try to go it alone. Few people are able to do it on their own, without support you probably will not make it and if you do, you will be "white knuckling it," meaning that you will basically be what is known as a dry drunk and you won't have the serenity that can come with a recovery program.

The word rehab actually means rehabilitation and this can happen in a number of ways. It has come to be associated with in-patient programs but while they are fashionable, they are not always necessary. They actually are more of a luxury than necessity in many cases. Not everyone needs horses, pilates and a gourmet chef in order to get sober.

For more than half a century, most folks with a drinking problem just walked into AA meetings and with the love and support they found from others who really understood them, they often did just fine. Because of its success, there are now 12-step meetings for almost every form of addiction.

But as other drug use increased along with the use of alcohol, and because of what is known as dual diagnosis, some people required a lot more than meetings alone. Dual diagnosis is when there is a mental health problem along with substance abuse and/or other addictions.

In-patient programs started to spread in the 1980s but then many shut down because they were costly, insurance would no longer pay for them and they often did not yield better results. Now there are far fewer and many of them are very costly.

The advantage of course is that you are taken away from your current environment where there are multiple triggers and most likely, co-dependent relationships. You have lots of doctors and counselors helping you 24/7 while you focus on your addiction and recovery. For people with multiple addictions and serious situations at home, this is often preferred if affordable.

But while this might be nice, even ideal, not everyone has the money or can get away. Some people don't want it. They prefer to start privately and quietly. The good news is that out-patient treatment has worked very well for the majority of folks for many years now.

You have the option of seeking help with a physician who is certified in addiction medicine or you can see a psychologist who is certified in the treatment of substance abuse or addictions. Both will do thorough evaluations and you can begin an individualized treatment program. If detoxification is needed, it can be arranged. Most alcoholics or alcohol addicts can detoxify at home with minor medications. Your family may be asked to come in for some counseling with you. This is a critical step because the people who love you will often be your biggest enablers and probably have some feelings to work out themselves. You are going to need your relationships to be healthy. And for married alcoholics who get sober, there are only three options: get help together, go back to drinking or split up.

A good doctor that really knows about addiction will help you sort out your relationships, make a healthy environment for yourself and help you to identify and work on any psychological problems that contributed to this in the first place. Ideally you will also go to 12-step meetings where you have 24/7 support from people who truly care but some get sober without it. All of this can be done out-patient and is far less costly.

Bottom line, you have four choices: go it alone; go to 12-step meetings only; go into rehab; or see a specialist who can help you while you continue to live at home.

Good Luck!

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to get a man in your life to talk about his depressed feelings

Brentwood CA Therapist Dr. Barge gives advice on this difficult issue

Dear New Shrink,

My family is very worried about my brother. Over the past year he has become increasingly sullen, moody, irritable and difficult to get along with. He is very successful in his career and he is also the oldest child, which seems to contribute to his attitude of "you can't tell me anything." His wife is getting kind of fed up and frankly, we don't understand how this change in him — he is almost like a stranger — could keep from interfering with his job performance. We think he is depressed, but he insists that he is not. Is it possible that he is depressed and how can we tell for sure and how can we tell him?

Signed,
Worried


Dear Worried,

Depression is absolutely a possibility, in fact it sounds like a pretty good hunch on your part. The fact that he denies it means nothing and actually is fairly common among men. In our society, men tend to think they are not real men, that they are somehow weak, if they admit to the feelings or symptoms that go along with depression such as hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, exhaustion, sadness, moodiness, or not being able to take care of oneself.

Depression can take on many forms but there are two that I want to highlight. In the mental health field we refer to these as retarded depression or agitated depression. The first is evidenced by someone being slowed down, sad, tired, and weepy and actually, more obviously depressed. The agitated type shows up as agitation, irritability, short-tempered, difficult. Unfortunately, it is the type we are least sympathetic to and it can be the most dangerous. These are the folks that can put their foot to the pedal and drive off a cliff.

An agitated depression often causes others to get fed up and walk away from the person they once loved, or admired or worked so well with. You have good reason to worry about your brother because many men simply will not admit to this and they stand a four times greater chance of committing suicide. Depression is also linked to heart attacks, strokes and other serious medical problems. Men are more likely to try to mask their problem with alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior that becomes a distraction and makes them feel better temporarily, but can lead to dire consequences.

Women are much more likely to discuss their depressed feelings openly. Unfortunately, we have come to accept depression in women and actually for hundreds of years, depression was thought of as a woman's disease. It was literally thought to be connected to the hormonal problems that women can experience along with their menstrual periods or menopause.

We now know that depression exists in the brain, whether it started there or not. It is not something one chooses to have; it is actually very painful. This is not to say that we do not make our own choices along the way that may lead us into a depression, we do. Anger turned inward is a major cause of depression. But by the time you have these symptoms and it becomes unbearable to you or those around you, it is in the brain.

Fortunately, there are many excellent treatments now and new ones coming all the time. Neuroscience has shown that certain types of talk therapy can actually change depression in the brain and there is also an array of good medication. The problem is in getting someone to admit to depression and seek the help that they need. It can be difficult for anyone to admit to; we are a society that likes to think we can control just about anything.

If you are a guy who is feeling irritable, becomes easily frustrated over small things, finds yourself screaming at people you care about and you simply do not feel good, be courageous and take charge of your life now. Get the help you need. Talk to your doctor or call a mental health professional. Go online and find out about depression; it really can happen to anyone, a man or a woman.

For men who just cannot seem to do it, maybe their wives, sisters or relatives will have to start the process. Worried, you and your family can see a professional to help you find the best way to approach your brother, if he can't do it. Usually, it is worth the effort.

Good Luck!

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to tell if your child is actually depressed and not

Dear New Shrink,

After reading your article about depression in men, I couldn't help but wonder if my son could be depressed. He is only 7, but he is irritable and has a lot of stomach aches. I know children are moody and unmanageable but can they actually get depressed?

Signed,
Curious Mom

 
Dear Curious Mom,

Absolutely your son could be depressed. We love kids for their openness and honesty, it is refreshing. But while they have a sense of what is going on around them and have reactions to experiences, they do not always know what they know and they generally do not know how to communicate what they are feeling.

Stomach aches, crying, temper tantrums, and irritability are definitely signs that something is wrong and if it persists, it is something that parents should pay attention to. Because young children have not yet learned to articulate their feelings, they tend to have symptoms of anxiety such as phobias or separation anxiety, somatic complaints, auditory hallucinations and increased irritability. Instead of verbalizing their feelings, children often express their frustration and irritability through temper tantrums and behavioral problems. Unfortunately, this is often mistakenly referred to as a brat, or the difficult child, without any recognition of the very real possibility of an underlying depression.

While there are definitely spoiled children who will manipulate us with their tantrums, often these are a sign that something might be seriously wrong. This is especially true if it seems to come on for no apparent reason (from your perspective) or is a departure from normal behavior and the personality of your child.

In young children, girls and boys experience depression equally, a ratio of 1:1 but as a child ages into adolescence, the ratio changes to 1:2, it is twice as likely in girls. But it is often more deadly in boys or men. This is precisely due to the fact that they do not express their feelings. Suicide starts to become a real threat in the adolescent population but while girls may attempt it more, males are more likely to succeed at it.

In adolescents, the symptom picture begins to change slightly. Because of their new found cognitive abilities, teenagers are often more aware of the difference between what could be and what is; they tend to have more hopelessness, guilt for new and emerging feelings and/or behaviors, and problems with low self-esteem. Adolescents tend to experience more sleep and appetite disturbances than younger children and they tend to have more difficulty functioning. But much like children, they externalize their depression in the form of behavioral problems.

Beyond suicide risk, engaging in drug abuse is a major risk for teenagers with depression. Research has clearly shown that drug or alcohol use during the teen years leads to a life-long struggle with it.

The emotional signs of depression can include sadness, low self-esteem, self critical thoughts, inability to experience pleasure, losing interest in things, loss of ambition, inability to concentrate or make a decision, irritability, anxiety, anger, pessimism and hopelessness, excessive guilt, feeling helpless and having fantasies of death or suicide. Just one of these may indicate depression in a child or adolescent.

The good news is that there are a number of things that can be done and the earlier you catch something and take care of it, the better the outcome. Try talking with them to see if they know something is bothering them. Take them to a physician for a complete exam and evaluation for the possibility of depression.

Certain types of psychotherapy have been shown to be quite effective with children and adolescents as well as adults. Prozac is a medication that is FDA approved for the treatment of childhood depression but while effective, it must be closely monitored. There is definitely help but you must start with the recognition that your child may not just be a brat who is trying to manipulate you. Your child may be depressed.

We never know for sure what may have happened to our children. Various forms of abuse are often hidden for years because of shame or embarrassment. Or a child might be predisposed to depression due to a family history; even if a child is reacting to problems in your own home or family, don't let guilt stop you from getting help.

Whatever the case, yes children do get depression, just like adult men and women do. It just looks a little different.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood therapist Dr Barge gives insight on how to deal with the plight of the economy

Have you lost your job? Has someone in your family or close to you lost theirs? Or have you or your family lost a significant amount of your savings, or worse yet, your home?

Over the last six months to a year, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, savings, and homes. The effect of this is on every one of us and no matter what our stage of life or our socioeconomic status in life is, we all tend to react to this in remarkably similar ways.

Fear, anxiety, irritability, agitation, anger and depression are all becoming much too familiar to most of us. How much so depends on our way of looking at things and on how attached we are to others. Social support, faith and optimism seem to be the key to avoiding these unpleasant feelings and more importantly, to keep from being carried away by them.

Families can also get depressed. Together we can spiral in a downhill fashion, if we are not careful.

Studies show that 80 percent of us find these financially bad times to be a significant source of stress in our daily lives. Young people who are just finishing college are worried about getting jobs and parents are worried about how they will be able to send their kids to college. Many couples are fighting and don't know why or don't realize that it is being triggered by money fears. Even couples on the verge of divorce are changing their minds because they simply cannot afford to divorce.

This type of stress can lead to health problems and doctors are finding an increasing number of patients suffering from stress related symptoms.

So what can we do during these tough economic times?

If you are someone who has placed a lot of emphasis on work and material gain, now just might be the time to begin changing. Spend time with your family and friends. Join a church or temple if you are so inclined or go back to your place of worship if you quit somewhere along the way. Or if that doesn't suit you, try joining a group where you have some mutual interest. The camaraderie and social support of belonging to a group can be a big source of relief and perhaps a place of networking for future jobs.

In your families, talk with your children, keep their moods up, and keep a loving supportive environment so that your children will grow into healthy, mature, adaptable adults. Remind your spouse or partner that you love them. Nurture your relationships. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take a walk, make a phone call, watch a movie together or pitch in for a neighborhood potluck dinner.

We don't have to spend money to be happy. Our children are used to getting things because we are materialistic in America. But "things" are not what we really need! We need love and support and we all need to know that we have someone we can turn to. Children can live without the next toy or special label pair of jeans. Actually, we all can live without some of these things, but we really can't live without emotional support. Study after study has shown that social support is important to our health and to our well being. If we want to remain strong, or even just get strong again, if we want to be healthy and productive enough to turn our lives around and to look forward to a healthy financial future, we cannot let ourselves be depressed.

Our friends, families, social support networks must take on the value they deserve. Our perceptions of things must be optimistic going forward. It's a tall order! Hard to do in these depressing times but truthfully, the meaning of an event is in the interpretation we give it. How we look at ourselves, these difficult times and the future is finally, up to us.

Now the good news is we can change the way we look at things.

Try these things:

1. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can't do.

2. Make a list of the things you are grateful for.

3. Make another list of your strengths and of your skills.

4. Imagine what you want and keep thinking about it. Dream about it, meditate on it.

You may not be able to control the economy, but one thing you can control is your way of thinking.

Some of us may need help in doing so but it can be done. A major point to this article is that you are not alone. Lots of people are struggling just like you and you should not try to lift yourself up by yourself. Reach out for help and also, reach out and help someone else. Most of all keep trying and keep dreaming.

Dr. Barge
***Originally posted in Santa Monica Daily Press

Hug or not to Hug

Do you come from a non-affectionate family and have trouble showing affection to the ones you love?  Dr Barge weighs in on how to overcome those barriers. 

Dear New Shrink,

I have been wondering and worrying about how I can let the people I love know that I love them. I come from a kind of hands off, non-demonstrative family and we just do not say I love you or even give hugs or embraces. Yet I know we all care deeply about one another. I find myself following in the same foot steps, but I want to change it. I just do not know how to go about it. I am known for sending the best cards, with the best messages, but while this may be good enough for those I send them to, I don't feel satisfied or that I have communicated the deeper and close feelings that I really have.

Can you suggest anything?

Signed,
Not sure
 
Dear Not Sure,

Well you sound like someone who has matured enough to understand that someone we deeply care about can be taken from us in a flash. I don't mean to seem morbid but it is one of those things about life that is unfortunately true.

I have had a number of close friends that have lost someone suddenly and a couple of my own friends died prematurely. Having studied attachment and loss, I can promise you one thing; if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss. We are always grief stricken with loss of any kind, but if we have unfinished business, left over resentment or we simply have not said the things we needed to say to someone, loss hits us much harder. I have had patients that literally spent years regretting that they never told someone that they loved them, or made it clear how important that somebody was to them.

While you haven't said anything about loss, I wanted to include it because it may be an unconscious factor in your wanting to change. The other factor is probably your own desire for closeness. It is definitely more satisfying to be intimate and most of us need or crave it.

If you come from a family or culture, which can play a huge role, where folks do not seem to be demonstrative or know how to say I love you directly to each other, then it is normal for you to be hesitant or not to know how to go about it.

My recommendation is to start slow, with baby steps so to speak. First off, pick the people you want to do this with the most or that might be the easiest for you. Make a list of the top few then make a list for the next people in line.

Start by putting a hand on their shoulder, then if it works out, next time try an arm around the shoulders with a quick squeeze. Perhaps you try a peck on the cheek if and when appropriate. Stick with this for a while and then when it feels comfortable, you can move to a hug. As things move along organically and it all feels OK, then try a bigger hug or saying I love you.

It's important to go slowly because you don't want to scare people. If you have never done it, and you start off with a big bang, they are going to wonder if something is wrong, maybe you have an illness and are not telling them. Maybe they will think you have taken to smoking something. The point is you do not want to scare anyone and if you are too quick and too much all at once, you will.

A slow and gradual approach will probably be easier for you as well as more comfortable for them.

I must warn you, there are those folks that simply do not like demonstration of feeling and never get comfortable with it. I think if you do it in this slow and easy way, you will know who to continue with. Don't take it personally if someone you care about is uncomfortable and seems to back off. They might just be one of these people who are just too uncomfortable or it may be that the next time around, they will be more responsive. This latter example is generally the case.

I think most of us like to hear that someone cares about or loves us. It really is just a matter of not changing it up on them too fast.

Good Luck; I am sure you can do it.

Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Make the best of forthcoming goodbyes

Saying goodbye to a loved one is never an easy process, but Dr Barge gives tips to make the process at least a little less abrupt and tumultuous

Dear New Shrink,

I am interested in a comment you made in one of your last columns where you said "if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss." This struck a chord with me because my best friend was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. Unfortunately his doctors did not catch this early enough to treat and he has been given only four months to live. I know that it will be hard to say goodbye and even harder once he is gone. What can I do to make the most of this short time so that I can better handle the loss?

Signed,
Saying Goodbye


Dear Saying Goodbye,

First off, let me extend my sympathy. I hate hearing this sort of thing and of course, it is a thousand times worse for you. There are no good words that anyone can say to help soothe this kind of suffering.

In the article you referred to, I think I mentioned that I had lost a few friends prematurely; I also have studied attachment and loss. In terms of future emotional adjustment, it is extremely important that friends and family do not take our pain away. If that happens, it will only go underground and haunt us later. Grieving is very important. It is natural, normal and needs to happen.

Often friends will say things in an attempt to take the pain away, really inadequate things like "you will find another spouse," when your spouse is dying. Or "thank God you have a lot of other friends." Like this will do any good at all. It actually has the opposite effect, making us feel as if we shouldn't be grieving so much. I have said some really dim-witted things myself and then thought you of all people should know better! But to a certain extent, we are comforting ourselves too, because this kind of sadness is close to unbearable.

Regarding your point, being good with someone before you lose them is critical because if you are not, you will regret it forever or at least for a very long time.

There is a difference between an attachment and a relationship. With someone that you are close to, you generally have both. You are going to mourn the attachment when you lose it, no matter what. Again, it is natural, normal and healthy to mourn.

But if your relationship is not so good, then you will have regrets for a long time. By this I mean if you have just had a fight, or if you have resentments between you or perhaps you have never really told that special friend how important they are to you, how much you love them. Perhaps you owe them an apology or should share a regret that you both may have.

If you feel 100 percent comfortable in the relationship and there is no unfinished business between you, you should be fine.

To be sure, perhaps you should imagine life without him, once he is gone. Think hard, now while you have a chance, is there anything that you are going to wish you had said to him? Perhaps you can write a letter but not to give to him; it's simply for your clarification. You will say it instead. You have a few months so you don't need to say it all at once. But start soon because with aggressive cancer, it can all happen very quickly and with some of the treatments your friend may have, he might be too sick to listen a good part of the time.

I realize that this can be really uncomfortable to do but if you are mentally prepared, you will do much better when that final day comes.

Another thing is to not be afraid to talk about what is really happening and the inevitable — maybe even help to plan the funeral. Research has consistently shown that dying people feel very lonely when everyone around them pretends that they are going to be OK. Your friend is going to want to talk about his feelings and being a part of that can be incredibly rewarding.

Being with someone who is dying and with them when they die is nice for them and good for us. This probably sounds surprising to some readers, and perhaps it isn't best for all, but most of the time folks are really glad that they were there in the end.

Good Luck! Saying goodbye is never easy but in this case, you asked the right question and you will be glad that you did.

Dr. Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

How to keep from getting caught in the middle or two friends: Dr Barge gives out some helpful tips

Dear New Shrink,

My mom's former best friend is a good friend of mine, although they parted ways years ago, not by my friend's choice but by my mother's. The reason that they are no longer friends is somewhat fuzzy but according to my mom, her friend embarrassed her by telling her off and contradicting her in front of friends. This apparently happened two times. This friend, for the past few years, has made significant attempts to repair the relationship, apologize and try to reconnect, to no avail. Meanwhile, the friend has been wonderful to me and my family. The friend has not given up trying to mend the friendship with my mom but my mom is silent to her efforts. This is bothersome to me. First, I don't think she taught me not to forgive. Second, I don't want to explain to my kid one day why the lady who was at my wedding and in my life is not liked by my mom and that she hasn't forgiven her years later. Third, I feel I need to teach my mom to evolve as a human and heal through forgiveness. Is it possible some people really don't want to forgive and move on? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Missing a Family Friend


Dear Missing a Family Friend,

First off, I am struck with the way that you signed your question. It immediately made me feel like the loss is not only personal but a familial one for you. It would be nice to have your family back the way that you had known it. Loss is always painful, but as I have said in so many columns, allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you move on.

Regarding what you should do to help your mother, why do you feel that it is it your responsibility to help her evolve and move on? I am not so sure that this is your job.

It is actually quite possible that there is more to the story than you know. It is also quite possible that the more you attempt to change your mom the less likely you will be able to do so. There is something fundamental to human nature and that is, we all resist change when it is thrust upon us. I as a psychologist can change no one. I don't even try or think about it. I can only help others change themselves if they want to. The energy you are putting into this might be better used in forgiving your mom and allowing her to be whoever she is.

There are definitely people who do not want to change and then there are also pockets in people, all of us, that may resist change. Holding on to anger is often a defense against feeling pain or also a defense against being vulnerable to reoccurring injury.

As you said, the story is fuzzy. Perhaps your mom was injured in a way that you cannot see, she cannot describe or is simply difficult for you and her past friend to understand. Have you tried talking to your mother without trying to change her, trying to understand what the injury really is to her? This is definitely one thing that I recommend you do. Tell her how deeply you are struggling but that you also want to understand her side of things. Try to let go of your own agenda.

It is interesting that this embarrassing experience happened more than once with a best friend. I have to wonder what else was backed up in their history and how well this friend really knew your mom. We generally know when to stop with someone who is close to us. It really sounds like you want your family back as you knew it and while that is completely understandable, your mom may never be able to trust this friend again.

Lastly, I don't think you need to worry about your son. When he is old enough to see what is going on, then you can tell him that something happened that you do not understand, it bothers you but if he wants an answer, he should ask his grandmother.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the middle and let it evolve naturally. Don't put so much pressure on yourself and just allow the tears to flow for what once was but is no longer. Maybe you will get lucky with a surprisingly good outcome in the future.

You sound like a great daughter but one who might be taking on too much.

Good luck!

Dr. Barge
** Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Dr. Barge discusses how to combat the monday blues

Dear New Shrink,

I have been wondering why it is that I hate Mondays so much. I have been asking around and a lot of my friends have similar feelings. It is not unanimous but pretty close. What causes this and what can we do about it?

Signed,
Monday Blues

Dear Monday Blues,

You ask an interesting question but it is difficult to come up with just one answer. Maybe we should start by pointing out that it's the opposite of TGIF?

On a serious note, I really think that each situation is different and I tend to think that it is somewhat age dependent; also gender, marital status and our role in life factor in.

If you are younger, it may be that you are somewhat lost, not sure yet of your direction in life. If you are a recent college grad but can't find a job, this is not exactly uplifting. Looking for employment these days is anxiety producing as well.

Or perhaps your love life, dates, personal relations were not what you had hoped for over the weekend. Any of this can cause the Monday Blues.

And for the very young kids, some have trouble separating from family and friends after a weekend. Monday can be a big day of adjustment for them.

Along similar lines, many moms are homemakers and they experience a kind of empty nest on a Monday. They have been with family and friends all weekend and then everyone is gone come Monday. Sundays tend to be thought of as family day, so following the closeness of it can make the next day seem all the more empty.

It's good to have a game plan for Monday morning; gym, a class, or volunteer work. Having something to get up and go to puts the week off to a better start.

It is also no secret these days that we have a high number of unemployed men. This can be very hard on the self-esteem as well as the pocketbook. If you are the primary income provider, are identified with your work and have a family to support, these are rough times emotionally.

With technology advancing so rapidly and literally replacing people and jobs, some folks have to start over. They often feel insignificant, angry, scared and like a failure to the family.

For the employed, ambitious types, there can be performance anxiety or worry about losing business, jobs or clients. On the other hand, maybe you are employed and hate Mondays simply because you just do not like your job or the people you work with.

Or maybe you are like the young man who recently wrote in about being tired and hung over on Mondays. He clearly needs to cut back on the Sunday drinking. If he can't or finds excuses not to, he may have what we call the Monday morning "alcoholism" flu.

Having said all of this, there are some folks who love Mondays. For some, it is almost like a defense, it gets them away from their weekend blues.

Lastly, there is the retired. This is an important group to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or those career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.

No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. When we are younger, we hopefully have our entire lives ahead of us and much to look forward to. Even if we are not clear in our identity, figuring it out can become the purpose and establishing it, even more so. But if we are beyond this and suddenly lose our jobs, especially if it's a job that is being totally eliminated and won't be coming back, we can become very threatened and the blues may go way beyond Mondays.

The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes and unexpected events much better.

Think about your reasons for the Monday Blues. There is a good chance it falls into one of the categories above or something quite close to it. Once you figure it out, do your best to do something about it.

If not, write back. We are here to help you with your life matters.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Preparing for retirement can be a whole lot more than we bargained for

Brentwood Psychologist Dr Joanne Barge gives insight to the hidden dangers of retirement.

Dear New Shrink,

In your article on the Monday morning blues, you mentioned that retirement can be dangerous, even deadly, if one is not prepared for it. My husband and I are about to retire and while I am excited, I am worried about him. His life has always been about his work and us, his family. Can you elaborate more on what makes for a pleasant retirement verses a dreary one?

Thanks,
Scared to retire


Dear Scared,

I am glad you picked up on the dangers of retiring and I am also happy to expand on it.

No matter what the circumstances of retirement, it is important for us to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.

Some people are forced into retirement and they may need to get over the hurt or resentment that they feel about losing their right to choose. Processing their feelings by talking it out with someone is a good idea. But then, move on to making the best of it.

Maybe you were not forced to retire, it was just time but you are not quite ready. You are that guy or gal who always worked and never had time for anything more. You need to start thinking about what you would like to do, new things to try, hobbies, travel, sports? It is always a good idea to find things that first and foremost you will enjoy but second, bring you into contact with others and keep you active.

No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. Some people work so hard in their careers that they truly don't take the time to develop avocations or hobbies. Their work is their life. Suddenly retired, they can wake up and wonder who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? It is easy to feel as if life is over because their work was their purpose and meaning.

Mondays can be dreadful for these folks and yet, for many others, the beauty of retirement is that time sort of melts together so that there is no more Monday vs. Tuesday or Friday. All of this time is yours to do with as you please, assuming your health permits.

Start thinking about all the things you have wanted to do but never had time for. Make a list and start with the easiest things to do first. Maybe you love to read, well then go to the Library and consider joining a book club. It's important to keep your mind active and the social support is essential to your well being.

If you feel a need to be needed or want to help others, volunteer at a hospital or library, museum or music society, actually anything that suits you. There are countless opportunities for helping others by being a volunteer.

Maybe you start yourself a garden and learn to grow your own vegetables and fruits.

Or just the flowers can be wonderful to grace your own home with or share with a friend.

If you love sports, try one if you can. Being active is healthy and can be social. There are hiking clubs, walking groups, tennis groups, even bicycles on the beach.

If you always wanted to travel, now is a good time to get going. Being part of a tour group might be best because of the social networking, medical attention if needed and guides to help along the way. Traveling does not need to be expensive. There are a number of ways to do it. You can rent an RV and drive across country, go camping or take cruises that are discounted when you sign up in advance. Many have found lifelong friends that they made on their travel tours.

If traveling is your thing, go over your budget and find ways to be creative about it.

And when not traveling, consider taking classes, getting active with others, learning a new skill. Maybe take up dancing, weaving, knitting, sewing, swimming, boating, hiking, chess or poker.

The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes. We also need to feel that we matter, are making a contribution, that our lives are meaningful and have a purpose. We also deserve to play at this point. Find the things that bring you joy and start doing them. It is never too late.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood Psychologist gives advice on how to react when a friend cuts you off

Dear New Shrink,

I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.

I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

Signed,
Sad and disappointed


Dear Sad and disappointed,

There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.

There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.

If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.

If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?

You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.

You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.

Good luck.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge

Brentwood Therapist Dr Barge gives advice on dating IQ

Do you know someone who is highly intelligent that falls hopelessly in the dating arena?  Listen in.

Dear New Shrink,

Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.

For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.

She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!

While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.

I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.

Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?

 
Dear Maybe,

First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.

However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?

Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.

This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.

About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.

If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.

As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.

Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge

Im so Lonely I could die: 90049 Therapist Dr Barge reacts to these common

Have you been feeling lonely but don't know what to do about it?  Dr Barge reacts on this uncomfortable feeling.  

Dear New Shrink,

I have been feeling terrible. I think I might be depressed but my doctor doesn't think so and when I read up on depression, I don't have the symptoms. I just feel sad and often hopeless and I have been feeling this way since I lost my husband. He was my best friend and I just can't seem to replace him. I try to get out to social events, call my friends, but I even feel lonely when I am with them.

I am thinking of getting a pet, but otherwise I don't know what to do about this pain or even why I have it.

Signed,
Lonely

 
Dear Lonely,
I hope that what I write here can help you some. You are right in describing the horrible pain of loneliness. It is very painful and there can even be a feeling of heartache that goes with it. Do you have that?

Loneliness comes from not being able to fully connect with others. If you can be lonely in a room full of friends, this may be a big part of it for you. You didn't have it with your husband because he was, as you put it, your best friend. This to me means that you trusted him and really connected with him.

You probably don't want to replace him and you don't have to. But you might need to mourn your loss and move on. I would imagine he would want you to be happy, and clearly you are not.

A bereavement group might be a good place to start.

I say this because a group might help you to start connecting with others again while at the same time, also begin the process of getting over your loss.

The key to eliminating loneliness is to look at what is holding you back from getting closer to or connecting with others. Do you have trouble trusting people? Are you afraid of rejection? Or are you the type that believes you don't need anyone; you are better off taking care of things on your own? This might make you a tad standoffish.

Start by answering these questions and then take baby steps to go directly up against your fears and negative beliefs. Among your social acquaintances, pick the one or two that you think you have the most in common with and who you feel you can trust the most. Then slowly begin to befriend them. Invite them over or out to lunch. Try sharing some personal things about yourself, to whatever degree you are comfortable and then be sure to ask about them. Let the trust and comfort grow slowly but surely. Stay with it. Odds are that over time you will begin to feel connected and the loneliness will begin to subside.

If you are going to get a pet, maybe pick one that is similar to what other people around you have because sharing pet walks and talks about your pets can be a great icebreaker.

Now I just said, "go against your fears or negative beliefs." I really mean this because if you have had trouble connecting, then you have trust issues of some kind and to protect yourself you may find yourself subconsciously looking for what is wrong with others instead of what is right. You must challenge your own fears and negativity, which is almost always a defense.

Look for the good in people. Give them a chance, a fair chance. Notice when you are being negative or judgmental and stop yourself. No one is perfect and if you want to rid yourself from the heartache of loneliness, you are going to have to give others a chance.

You should also know that loneliness is not just emotionally painful; it is actually a high risk factor in early mortality. This is because with chronic loneliness, it elevates your systolic blood pressure and that in turn can lead to premature death. This has been demonstrated in a number of research studies that controlled for other related variables as well.

Catch your loneliness early. Don't let it become chronic. Not only is it harder to change the longer it goes on, but also your health risks go way up.

Having said that, it is never, or at least rarely ever, too late to change.

Start your change now so that you can feel better and live longer. And if you are successful, pass it on. Share the positive change with others.

Good luck!

Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press  SMDP Dr Barge