Do you ever feel like the only single person around? Dr Barge gives advice to shed off those lonely feelings.
Dear New Shrink,
I read your article on loneliness and got discouraged because I am lonely. I do have friends and I think that I do connect with them, but I do not have a love relationship. It seems like most of my friends do and actually, many of them are getting married soon or are already married.
Is something wrong with me? Can you tell me how to get into a relationship and keep it going?
Signed,
Lonely Single
Dear Single,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged. From your comments, I assume that you are a young person. Not everyone finds love at the same time or pace. Please don't think that something is wrong just because you are not on some kind of schedule. And definitely do not try to force yourself into a relationship before the actual Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. Unless you have some serious attachment issues, calm down, your time will come.
There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First off, there is what I refer to as the three C's: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. It is also highly recommended that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal and something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political; it might be saving the environment, or fighting for the right to bare arms. Having that one thing that you both share and are impassioned about can see you through rough times and actually, being involved with it now is a great way of meeting someone you will click with.
Next, selecting someone with a character you like, admire and respect is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along. So in choosing, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he or she treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?
Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't rely on changing it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, be empathic and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about, not scream, but talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need.
A basic rules is "relationships require room for two" and this means allowing for each other's needs and tolerating differences. If I can take care of me, my partner and the relationship, all at the same time, we are in good shape or at least I am. This is one indication of good mental health and it certainly is an aspect to keeping a relationship alive and well.
Don't get me wrong, this is a hard thing to do but it should be your goal and if you work at it, you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and storms.
Money is the most frequent cause of conflict in marriages, so try to be clear and straightforward about this before you start a serious relationship.
And once you are in a serious relationship, count on conflict. It's normal and natural if you find yourself fighting once a week or more. Take it as a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble and get help.
Our divorce rate is high but many good relationships could be saved if they got help early enough. Too many couples wait until it is too late. Many had something special and good but let it go until it was too late. Never let pride keep you from getting the help you need. Losing that someone you love is not worth it. Hope this helps. Good Luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
How to enjoy the holiday spirit at a work function without making regrets
Dear New Shrink,
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
With the holidays nearing, my office is planning its annual Christmas party. This is my first year with the company and I have already heard stories of things that have happened at past parties and have been surprised by the drunken behaviors of my unassuming colleagues. I very rarely go out with my coworkers and wondered if you had any do's or don'ts to help me enjoy the open-bar party without feeling pressured to go to extremes.
Thanks for your help,
Party Goer
Dear Party Goer,
I'm impressed that you are thinking about this ahead of time. Walking into the annual holiday party with a game plan will certainly help you to have a good time with your colleagues without creating embarrassing moments. While this is intended to be a time for you to be yourself and unwind, doing so within reasonable professional limits will help to ensure you maintain the professional image you have built over the last year.
First off it is really important that you do attend your holiday work party. While it may feel stressful to navigate the potential of party mishaps, making an appearance will help confirm that you are committed to the company and interested in creating relationships with your colleagues. Be sure to re-read your invitation for details on dress, gift-giving and guests so you go into the party prepared and ready to go. When in doubt, inquire about any specific details on dress and dates before the big night.
While having access to an open bar can seem like a good deal for your pocketbook, pace yourself and pay careful attention to the number of drinks you consume. We all know the classic story of the friendly coworker who has too much to drink at the holiday party and ends up making decisions that he or she might not make during a normal day at the office. While a holiday party is presented as an opportunity to celebrate with colleagues, keep in mind that you will need to see these people again on Monday morning.
As evidenced by the conversations already going on in the office, people do remember what happens. Although some may be willing to chalk it up to a one-time event, consider whether you are willing to risk your professional reputation for the sake of a few drinks. Since you are thinking about this ahead of time my guess is that you do care about the reputation you have with your colleagues and want to ensure this event does not compromise your status with them.
OK, so enough with the warnings. What can you do to have a good time but not "too" good of a time? If you are going to drink, start out easy; find a drink that you are likely to enjoy for awhile rather than shots or drinks that you are tempted to drink quickly. Consider the alcohol content per volume, a beer or glass of wine provides the same amount of alcohol as a shot but can be enjoyed over a longer period of time. You mention that you don't want to feel pressured to go to extremes. If this pressure is coming from coworkers who are pushing you to drink, you might want to consider less obvious ways to take a break from the booze. Consider substituting in sparkling water with lime or soda between drinks. You'll reduce your alcohol intake without informing others that you're not partaking in the festive cocktails. Balancing your intake will help to ensure that you are in control of your behaviors during the entire party. The same holds true for the buffet. You can always continue eating and drinking at home, so avoid making a scene by overindulging.
The holiday party may present an opportunity for you to talk with others who you don't normally interact with. Engaging in personal conversations will help you to get to know your colleagues better and can provide for a great networking opportunity. However, be mindful of the content of your conversations; even though this may seem like a casual opportunity to relax with your coworkers you should not use this as a time to vent about your employer.
The bottom line is that you should enjoy yourself; in this economy a holiday party may be the only gift you receive from your employer. After the celebration, be sure to thank the person who planned the party. Showing your appreciation will help build powerful professional alliances within your company. I hope this helps to ensure that you have a good time without becoming part of the office headlines!
Dr Barge and Katrina Davy
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Friday, November 26, 2010
Handling rejection a tough task: Dr Joanne Barge speaks out
Have you ever experienced a rejection that eats away at you? Dr Barge sheds insight on how to handle difficult feelings of rejection.
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can give me advise about handling rejection. I have started to feel really bad because I lost my job and cannot seem to find another one; several times I have gone on job interviews, and not even had a call back. But what is really troubling me is dating. I have no trouble getting dates but here too, often there is no second date. I did date someone I met online for about two months but it ended out of the blue. I just don't understand any of this and I am starting to feel like one big reject.
Signed,
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
Unfortunately, this seems to be a sign of the times. I think you are far from being alone on this one. Searching for a job or a partner, looking for work or dating, they are both two of the most difficult things to do right now.
I am not certain how much of it applies mostly here in California because we are certainly in financial trouble as a state and when it comes to dating, I am constantly being told how difficult it is to meet someone here.
Most people seem to be using online dating services and while they may be great for finding people and some have found their life partners on them, there is also a lot of inherent rejection as well. There are actually studies and psychological literature that talk about what has been referred to as the "flawometer." It seems that we tend to look for what we don't like or what seems wrong with someone rather then giving them a chance, when we are viewing them from an online web site. Part of the problem is that the questions tend to categorize people in a somewhat simplistic way; all of us have a lot more to us than can be expressed by checking off a box. This is simply the nature of the beast; there really is no other way to do it online.
When you first meet, it is somewhat contrived and most likely both parties are a bit nervous. If you use these online sites, it's best that you get to know each other through e-mail and phone conversations before actually meeting.
But more importantly, regarding the issue of rejection, it is a bit similar in looking for a job these days. Many positions get hundreds of applications. The employer looks through them very quickly and if your letter of intent and resume are not ideal, just like that "flawometer" in online dating, you won't even get the first meeting. If you do get the interview but are not the one chosen, you just have to realize that it was not a dislike or rejection of you but that they chose someone better suited for the position; someone they just "clicked" with or had the best chemistry with.
The same goes for dating, if there isn't chemistry or an attraction, most people keep moving, looking for someone that they have this with. Attraction can and often does grow with time but few of us are willing to wait. In this age of technology, most people want quick results and actually may be passing up some real opportunities without knowing it.
I honestly feel that we can't or shouldn't take this all so personally. It is impossible to make yourself attracted to someone; you either feel it or you don't. Chemistry is a complicated thing; it pulls in the physical, the emotional and sometimes subconscious, and definitely the psychological draw or match. This may or may not be healthy, ideal or even the best choice.
But as much as we would like to think we have control over this, we don't have as much as we might want to believe.
So what is rejection really? I think of it as a very active and often aggressive act. If we cannot control our attractions, cannot make ourselves be attracted to or have chemistry with someone, then are we rejecting them?
Maybe we need to rethink rejection. In a job interview, there are several excellent candidates but we can only pick one and the one we decide on seems the best fit out of the three. Are we really rejecting the other two?
Or is it simply that we go with what feels the best, then and there. Who knows? It could be a mistake but I really question if we should call it rejection.
Of course there are times that we all "feel" rejected, or are concerned about making someone else feel rejected and I do not mean to minimize these feelings. But feelings are not facts and I think we just might want to start rethinking what rejection really means.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I am wondering if you can give me advise about handling rejection. I have started to feel really bad because I lost my job and cannot seem to find another one; several times I have gone on job interviews, and not even had a call back. But what is really troubling me is dating. I have no trouble getting dates but here too, often there is no second date. I did date someone I met online for about two months but it ended out of the blue. I just don't understand any of this and I am starting to feel like one big reject.
Signed,
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
Unfortunately, this seems to be a sign of the times. I think you are far from being alone on this one. Searching for a job or a partner, looking for work or dating, they are both two of the most difficult things to do right now.
I am not certain how much of it applies mostly here in California because we are certainly in financial trouble as a state and when it comes to dating, I am constantly being told how difficult it is to meet someone here.
Most people seem to be using online dating services and while they may be great for finding people and some have found their life partners on them, there is also a lot of inherent rejection as well. There are actually studies and psychological literature that talk about what has been referred to as the "flawometer." It seems that we tend to look for what we don't like or what seems wrong with someone rather then giving them a chance, when we are viewing them from an online web site. Part of the problem is that the questions tend to categorize people in a somewhat simplistic way; all of us have a lot more to us than can be expressed by checking off a box. This is simply the nature of the beast; there really is no other way to do it online.
When you first meet, it is somewhat contrived and most likely both parties are a bit nervous. If you use these online sites, it's best that you get to know each other through e-mail and phone conversations before actually meeting.
But more importantly, regarding the issue of rejection, it is a bit similar in looking for a job these days. Many positions get hundreds of applications. The employer looks through them very quickly and if your letter of intent and resume are not ideal, just like that "flawometer" in online dating, you won't even get the first meeting. If you do get the interview but are not the one chosen, you just have to realize that it was not a dislike or rejection of you but that they chose someone better suited for the position; someone they just "clicked" with or had the best chemistry with.
The same goes for dating, if there isn't chemistry or an attraction, most people keep moving, looking for someone that they have this with. Attraction can and often does grow with time but few of us are willing to wait. In this age of technology, most people want quick results and actually may be passing up some real opportunities without knowing it.
I honestly feel that we can't or shouldn't take this all so personally. It is impossible to make yourself attracted to someone; you either feel it or you don't. Chemistry is a complicated thing; it pulls in the physical, the emotional and sometimes subconscious, and definitely the psychological draw or match. This may or may not be healthy, ideal or even the best choice.
But as much as we would like to think we have control over this, we don't have as much as we might want to believe.
So what is rejection really? I think of it as a very active and often aggressive act. If we cannot control our attractions, cannot make ourselves be attracted to or have chemistry with someone, then are we rejecting them?
Maybe we need to rethink rejection. In a job interview, there are several excellent candidates but we can only pick one and the one we decide on seems the best fit out of the three. Are we really rejecting the other two?
Or is it simply that we go with what feels the best, then and there. Who knows? It could be a mistake but I really question if we should call it rejection.
Of course there are times that we all "feel" rejected, or are concerned about making someone else feel rejected and I do not mean to minimize these feelings. But feelings are not facts and I think we just might want to start rethinking what rejection really means.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press
Monday, November 22, 2010
Brentwood Therapist Dr. Barge give advice on: Trying to strengthen family ties
Have you ever felt feelings of abandonment by your family? Dr Barge speaks on how to deal with family conflict that may be getting in the way of healthy family relationships.
Dear New Shrink,
I am in so much pain; I don't know what to do. I feel completely abandoned by my family. Years ago my parents divorced. My father was abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. When I moved out we were barely speaking. I told my mom she needed to get sober. I sent for the Al-Anon literature, but when I gave it to her she quit speaking to me for five months! Luckily, I found my husband and we now have a lovely son, just over a year old. I considered not inviting my mother to the wedding but decided to invite her on the condition that she would not drink at my wedding. My father was not invited at all. His behavior was absolutely intolerable to me. My Mother came to the wedding but did not keep her promise to stay sober. She was as drunk as ever and actually fell on the dance floor. We have not spoken since. She tried to visit me at the hospital when my son was born but I turned her away because I will not expose my son to her bad behavior. Now that he is a year old and I am such a proud mother, I really am feeling abandoned. My own mother has never seen my son, my father has only seen him once and the rest of the extended family, well you could count on one hand the times they have seen my son. No one seems to come around and I honestly fear that they have all taken my mother's side. I am a mature woman with a master's degree, am an excellent school teacher and a good mother. Thank God for my husband's family, they are helpful and loving to me. But I cannot shake off my hurt feelings of abandonment?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about, and feel, your pain. I can tell that you are, emotionally speaking, bleeding inside.
It sounds like you want to be close with your family of origin, or at least your mother and some of the extended family you have on her side. However, given your description, it's complicated. You want to be close but you don't want her around? Sounds like the only way you would consider being close is if she adheres to your rules. I don't know her or your family but in all relationships there really does need to be room for two. That is to say, room for negotiation.
More importantly, there seems to be an issue with alcoholism and while you probably do not want to hear this, you may be a little off base. Alcoholism is not bad behavior; it is a disease, and illness. Many people do not want to believe this but the science is there to prove it. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and then the drink takes the man."
This is an old Japanese proverb that explains the process, and progression very well. When the drunk starts taking the drink, it is no longer about choice and the behavior is a function of that brain chemistry. Blackouts and bad behavior come out of alcoholism but are not separate from it. Your mother doesn't get drunk at you nor does she mean to ruin your wedding, she is sick and she needs help. If she stopped talking to you when you gave her Al-Anon literature that was clearly defensive and it was her sickness talking.
It makes sense that you have misgivings about exposing your child to your mother's problem. This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. But you need to understand that your son is already genetically predisposed and at risk, and given your feelings of abandonment and resentment, you are the one that needs to learn more about alcoholism and you are the one who would benefit from Al-Anon. I know that it is not fair; and your feeling abandoned is totally understandable. All children of alcoholics feel this way. However, your resentment is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else.
My guess is that your extended family is probably trying to avoid the conflict, staying under the radar so to speak. If you want a relationship with them, reach out to them and see what happens. Alcoholism is a family disease and no one really knows what to do. Step up for yourself and take care of yourself by ridding yourself of resentment, learning about alcoholism and getting some counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for the sake of yourself and your son. Start to get healthy yourself, then reach out to your family. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I am in so much pain; I don't know what to do. I feel completely abandoned by my family. Years ago my parents divorced. My father was abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. When I moved out we were barely speaking. I told my mom she needed to get sober. I sent for the Al-Anon literature, but when I gave it to her she quit speaking to me for five months! Luckily, I found my husband and we now have a lovely son, just over a year old. I considered not inviting my mother to the wedding but decided to invite her on the condition that she would not drink at my wedding. My father was not invited at all. His behavior was absolutely intolerable to me. My Mother came to the wedding but did not keep her promise to stay sober. She was as drunk as ever and actually fell on the dance floor. We have not spoken since. She tried to visit me at the hospital when my son was born but I turned her away because I will not expose my son to her bad behavior. Now that he is a year old and I am such a proud mother, I really am feeling abandoned. My own mother has never seen my son, my father has only seen him once and the rest of the extended family, well you could count on one hand the times they have seen my son. No one seems to come around and I honestly fear that they have all taken my mother's side. I am a mature woman with a master's degree, am an excellent school teacher and a good mother. Thank God for my husband's family, they are helpful and loving to me. But I cannot shake off my hurt feelings of abandonment?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about, and feel, your pain. I can tell that you are, emotionally speaking, bleeding inside.
It sounds like you want to be close with your family of origin, or at least your mother and some of the extended family you have on her side. However, given your description, it's complicated. You want to be close but you don't want her around? Sounds like the only way you would consider being close is if she adheres to your rules. I don't know her or your family but in all relationships there really does need to be room for two. That is to say, room for negotiation.
More importantly, there seems to be an issue with alcoholism and while you probably do not want to hear this, you may be a little off base. Alcoholism is not bad behavior; it is a disease, and illness. Many people do not want to believe this but the science is there to prove it. "The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and then the drink takes the man."
This is an old Japanese proverb that explains the process, and progression very well. When the drunk starts taking the drink, it is no longer about choice and the behavior is a function of that brain chemistry. Blackouts and bad behavior come out of alcoholism but are not separate from it. Your mother doesn't get drunk at you nor does she mean to ruin your wedding, she is sick and she needs help. If she stopped talking to you when you gave her Al-Anon literature that was clearly defensive and it was her sickness talking.
It makes sense that you have misgivings about exposing your child to your mother's problem. This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. But you need to understand that your son is already genetically predisposed and at risk, and given your feelings of abandonment and resentment, you are the one that needs to learn more about alcoholism and you are the one who would benefit from Al-Anon. I know that it is not fair; and your feeling abandoned is totally understandable. All children of alcoholics feel this way. However, your resentment is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else.
My guess is that your extended family is probably trying to avoid the conflict, staying under the radar so to speak. If you want a relationship with them, reach out to them and see what happens. Alcoholism is a family disease and no one really knows what to do. Step up for yourself and take care of yourself by ridding yourself of resentment, learning about alcoholism and getting some counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for the sake of yourself and your son. Start to get healthy yourself, then reach out to your family. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Saturday, November 20, 2010
How can a 'nice guy" end up on such a horrible path?
Dear New Shrink,
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
I have a question about a matter that my married friends and I have been talking about ever since it happened. Steve McNair. How can a 'nice guy' like this have ever ended up in this position? It doesn't make sense. It is scary to us. Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Married and Worried
Dear Married and Worried,
Because I do not know this man personally or know anyone who does, I cannot answer this question with any degree of certainty. However, I think I might be able to "shed some light."
Steve McNair was a legend. He was a star. By all accounts he was raised to be and was an honest, loyal, fair and very nice man. He was raised by a single mother and his older brother, who took on a paternal role when his father left, supported only by the mother's income as a local factory worker. Money was scarce and one has to wonder how much attention she could have given five sons, while working full time. She must have been tired, but as difficult as this would be, it seems that she gave her sons a lot of love and support and instilled great values.
Beyond family, McNair was a poor black kid from Mississippi who perhaps felt he was no one until he got his first taste of fame and fortune through his football career. No one has a bad thing to say about him; everyone seems to have thought that McNair was a nice guy and I think he probably was.
But let's look at his history and celebrity status. He was incredibly talented and early on got a lot of attention for his unusual athletic ability. By high school, he had the choice to play baseball, basketball or football. He held out for football and became the highest drafted black quarterback ever and was making millions of dollars by the time he was 22. Throughout his career in football, he was always a star.
He retired in 2008 and many think that his body just gave out, at least for playing football the way that he had played it.
What happens when you go from an entire stadium of applause on a regular basis to regular everyday life in two small towns in the south? He was dividing his time between two cities and he and his wife were raising two young sons, one about to be 11 and the other just 5. Was he getting the attention he needed or by now craved? Why was he pushing himself with such severe pain; what was he trying to prove and for whom?
Severe pain from a ruptured disk, and surgery and other injuries as well, he was pushing himself beyond belief. A few questions come to mind: did he even know who he was or his value as a human being outside of the stadium and stardom? Did physical and emotional pain lead to drinking? There are definitely some red flags that he may have become a drinker. He was first arrested for DUI in 2003 and then again with his brother in-law in 2007. I have no idea why but he missed week two, part of week three and nine more games in that (2007) season; one has to wonder. His third DUI involvement was with a 20-year-old girlfriend, days before he died. She was driving but I have to ask would a big guy like this let an intoxicated woman drive after already having two prior DUI arrests if he hadn't been drinking himself?
He retired in April 2008 and by the end of that year had fallen into some type of an affair with the woman who would kill him seven months later. Did all these factors put together make him vulnerable to this? It certainly looks as if it did.
The woman he was involved with was 20 (he was 36) and had lost both parents in Iran. She probably idolized and adored him. He had lost the applause, was now living in two cities, his wife was busy raising his two young sons, and they were living separately half of the time. If you add alcohol, this combination would make anyone, any nice guy or woman, very vulnerable. Alcohol numbs pain but it also can lead to very poor judgment. It may come out that he had multiple affairs; after all, women throw themselves at these guys. But at this time, in my research so far, there is no indication of marital problems, or cheating if you will, before he retired from being the legend that he was.
I don't think you need to worry unless you have one or more of these factors going on in your marriage. The bottom line is that we all can be vulnerable and that does not make for a bad guy.
Thank you for your question.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Brentwood Psychologist Dr Barge give insight into: Deciding when to hold on and when to let go
Is your marriage falling apart and you are worried about the impact it will have on your family? Dr Barge helps muddle through the wreckage to decide whats the best course of action for a family.
Dear New Shrink,
I am on the verge of ending a 20-plus year marriage, which also means the end of a family, as we have known it. Our children, three of them, are very upset, but generally speaking, doing well. One is ending high school and the other two are away at college, doing well.
As a couple, we are not happy, haven't been for years. Our sex life dwindled long ago, but even though our relationship seems empty now, and we are mostly fighting, I find myself feeling really sad about letting it go. He acts as if he is fine with moving on but I know that he is sad to. What should we be doing? Are we doing the right thing? How does one know?
Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
There are so many things to consider here.
It's unfortunate but the divorce rate here in the US, is 49 percent. Many of us are too quick to jump ship and don't do the things, I believe, we should do or try before ending a relationship, especially one with a commitment of marriage.
Having said that, there is clearly a difference between attachment and relationship. If the relationship is bad and cannot be "fixed" so to speak, then it is probably time to call it a day. No point in being miserable and trust me, it's not a favor to the kids to continue in misery.
The question is, where did you go wrong? Do both of you have the courage to look at the relationship realistically before you end it? Or maybe you have done this? It is not uncommon to see marriages end when the kids are grown up and leaving home. In this case it is because somewhere along the way you became parents only, no longer lovers and you forgot to take care of your marriage. Now you are like strangers.
Also, unfortunately, the birth of the first child is often the beginning of the end. This is because you move from your romantic dyad to a triangle. With triangles, someone has to be negotiated but it is not going to be the infant. The one left out, usually dads, will get hurt and jealous. That is where all the (bad) fun begins, if a couple is not educated and prepared for it.
No one likes to see a family end so it really is worth the effort to try some marriage or family counseling. It is especially hard at holidays when the grown kids come back but no longer really have a home to come home to. It's very sad for everyone.
I have seen all kinds of bad marriages/separations turn around, so there is always hope, but it is not easy if you wait too long.
If you do separate, end your "attachment," you can count on sadness. There is always grief and mourning when there is a loss of attachment. It comes with the territory. Expect sadness and a grief process when you end a significant or long-term attachment.
But an attachment, which we all need and is a basic instinct that causes us to form them, is very different from a relationship. After 20 years and three kids, you definitely have an attachment even if you no longer have a relationship. The attachment is that deep bond you feel, because you have it and have had it for awhile. The relationship is all about how you get along, how you "relate to each other." If the relationship sours and cannot be rekindled, then you let go. With that letting go, most people also lose their attachments. Loss of attachment always means sadness and a grieving process. It is simply part of our make up and to deny it or suppress it will only make you sick in some way. Let yourself grieve, it's natural and normal.
Just don't get confused thinking that your sadness over a loss of attachment means that the relationship was good or meant to be.
Attachment and relationship are connected but yet two separate things. You can't avoid the attachment sadness if the relationship goes but you can work on the relationship to see if maybe there isn't something left to work with.
I have seen so many couples turn it around. You fell in love when you married, that love might still be there.
Give yourself, your family, the "relationship" a chance. Seek counseling. If the relationship is truly over, then expect the natural grief and sadness that comes with the loss of any attachment.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I am on the verge of ending a 20-plus year marriage, which also means the end of a family, as we have known it. Our children, three of them, are very upset, but generally speaking, doing well. One is ending high school and the other two are away at college, doing well.
As a couple, we are not happy, haven't been for years. Our sex life dwindled long ago, but even though our relationship seems empty now, and we are mostly fighting, I find myself feeling really sad about letting it go. He acts as if he is fine with moving on but I know that he is sad to. What should we be doing? Are we doing the right thing? How does one know?
Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
There are so many things to consider here.
It's unfortunate but the divorce rate here in the US, is 49 percent. Many of us are too quick to jump ship and don't do the things, I believe, we should do or try before ending a relationship, especially one with a commitment of marriage.
Having said that, there is clearly a difference between attachment and relationship. If the relationship is bad and cannot be "fixed" so to speak, then it is probably time to call it a day. No point in being miserable and trust me, it's not a favor to the kids to continue in misery.
The question is, where did you go wrong? Do both of you have the courage to look at the relationship realistically before you end it? Or maybe you have done this? It is not uncommon to see marriages end when the kids are grown up and leaving home. In this case it is because somewhere along the way you became parents only, no longer lovers and you forgot to take care of your marriage. Now you are like strangers.
Also, unfortunately, the birth of the first child is often the beginning of the end. This is because you move from your romantic dyad to a triangle. With triangles, someone has to be negotiated but it is not going to be the infant. The one left out, usually dads, will get hurt and jealous. That is where all the (bad) fun begins, if a couple is not educated and prepared for it.
No one likes to see a family end so it really is worth the effort to try some marriage or family counseling. It is especially hard at holidays when the grown kids come back but no longer really have a home to come home to. It's very sad for everyone.
I have seen all kinds of bad marriages/separations turn around, so there is always hope, but it is not easy if you wait too long.
If you do separate, end your "attachment," you can count on sadness. There is always grief and mourning when there is a loss of attachment. It comes with the territory. Expect sadness and a grief process when you end a significant or long-term attachment.
But an attachment, which we all need and is a basic instinct that causes us to form them, is very different from a relationship. After 20 years and three kids, you definitely have an attachment even if you no longer have a relationship. The attachment is that deep bond you feel, because you have it and have had it for awhile. The relationship is all about how you get along, how you "relate to each other." If the relationship sours and cannot be rekindled, then you let go. With that letting go, most people also lose their attachments. Loss of attachment always means sadness and a grieving process. It is simply part of our make up and to deny it or suppress it will only make you sick in some way. Let yourself grieve, it's natural and normal.
Just don't get confused thinking that your sadness over a loss of attachment means that the relationship was good or meant to be.
Attachment and relationship are connected but yet two separate things. You can't avoid the attachment sadness if the relationship goes but you can work on the relationship to see if maybe there isn't something left to work with.
I have seen so many couples turn it around. You fell in love when you married, that love might still be there.
Give yourself, your family, the "relationship" a chance. Seek counseling. If the relationship is truly over, then expect the natural grief and sadness that comes with the loss of any attachment.
Dr. Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
How to deal with Depression
Dear New Shrink,
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
I am hoping you can help me. Over the past few months I have been feeling very tired, pretty much all the time. I have a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning and during the day do not have much energy. Recently I canceled plans with friends only to spend the entire weekend in my bed with no motivation to do anything. No matter how much I sleep I am still very tired. I recently told a friend and he said I might be "depressed." I hear this word all the time but I really do not know what it means. How does one know if they are "depressed" and how do they get their energy back?
Signed,
Tired Out
Dear Tired Out,
Fatigue is definitely a symptom of depression and ironically, it can be the only (conscious) symptom. But it is also a symptom of many other things as well. Problems with underactive thyroid, anemia, infections and viruses and other medical problems can be underlying the extreme fatigue that you describe.
The first thing you should do is to get a physical examination along with a routine blood panel. It's important that you rule out a medical problem before assuming that you have depression.
Having said that, do you know what your friend is seeing in you that you may not be able to see in yourself? What is it about you that makes your friend think that you are depressed? As human beings, we have a range of consciousness when it comes to self awareness. Some of us are very introspective while others are more externally focused and have not developed skills at introspection. Sometimes, we have deliberately worked out a defense mechanism so that we don't notice our own feelings. This is particularly true if we were raised in an environment where it wasn't really safe to pay attention to feelings. One feeling that often goes unnoticed is anger and this can be a problem because anger turned inward, against ourselves, is one of the single greatest causes of depression.
So, let's start with some questions. Are you feeling sad or blue? Do you think your mood is depressed, even if just slightly? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel kind of vacant and uncertain of yourself? Are you still interested in the things that have always excited you or been important to you? Or have you kind of lost interest in things that used to matter? How is your appetite? Are you eating more or eating less? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you moody or irritable and impatient with others? What about sexual appetite? Has it changed; have you lost it or maybe, even though you are tired, you feel more of a need for sexual stimulation? How is your concentration? Depression often makes concentration very difficult. Work will often suffer because we cannot concentrate or as you mentioned, the motivation to do things just seems to be missing. Sometimes, it is simply really difficult to make decisions.
Have you found yourself crying unexpectedly or without understanding why? Do you feel that your life has meaning; that it is worth living? Or do you sometimes think you would be better off if you were not alive? Do you have suicidal thoughts or sometimes find yourself wishing that you would not wake up in the morning?
These are all the classic signs of depression. All of us have some days that are better than others and we all have times when we feel depressed about something or another. But feeling depressed from time to time is much different than being depressed. If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may well be depressed.
If you want to try to overcome this on your own, start by talking with someone you trust. Look at any recent losses or big disappointments you may have had. Ask yourself who or what you might be angry at. Process your grief or anger. Write about it, talk about it. Diet and exercise can play a big role as well. It's very hard to be active and depressed at the same time.
If you do not feel better soon, you should seek professional help. Untreated, depression can go from bad to worse. Fortunately, there are a number of very good treatment options. Today there are excellent medications if you need one but they are not always necessary. Mental health professionals have developed a number of proven techniques to cure depression and are well trained to help you. The talking cure does work.
Quality of life matters. Depression hurts the one who has it and the people who love them as well.
Dr. JoAnne Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
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