Saying goodbye to a loved one is never an easy process, but Dr Barge gives tips to make the process at least a little less abrupt and tumultuous
Dear New Shrink,
I am interested in a comment you made in one of your last columns where you said "if you are good with someone before you lose them, you will do much better with the loss." This struck a chord with me because my best friend was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. Unfortunately his doctors did not catch this early enough to treat and he has been given only four months to live. I know that it will be hard to say goodbye and even harder once he is gone. What can I do to make the most of this short time so that I can better handle the loss?
Signed,
Saying Goodbye
Dear Saying Goodbye,
First off, let me extend my sympathy. I hate hearing this sort of thing and of course, it is a thousand times worse for you. There are no good words that anyone can say to help soothe this kind of suffering.
In the article you referred to, I think I mentioned that I had lost a few friends prematurely; I also have studied attachment and loss. In terms of future emotional adjustment, it is extremely important that friends and family do not take our pain away. If that happens, it will only go underground and haunt us later. Grieving is very important. It is natural, normal and needs to happen.
Often friends will say things in an attempt to take the pain away, really inadequate things like "you will find another spouse," when your spouse is dying. Or "thank God you have a lot of other friends." Like this will do any good at all. It actually has the opposite effect, making us feel as if we shouldn't be grieving so much. I have said some really dim-witted things myself and then thought you of all people should know better! But to a certain extent, we are comforting ourselves too, because this kind of sadness is close to unbearable.
Regarding your point, being good with someone before you lose them is critical because if you are not, you will regret it forever or at least for a very long time.
There is a difference between an attachment and a relationship. With someone that you are close to, you generally have both. You are going to mourn the attachment when you lose it, no matter what. Again, it is natural, normal and healthy to mourn.
But if your relationship is not so good, then you will have regrets for a long time. By this I mean if you have just had a fight, or if you have resentments between you or perhaps you have never really told that special friend how important they are to you, how much you love them. Perhaps you owe them an apology or should share a regret that you both may have.
If you feel 100 percent comfortable in the relationship and there is no unfinished business between you, you should be fine.
To be sure, perhaps you should imagine life without him, once he is gone. Think hard, now while you have a chance, is there anything that you are going to wish you had said to him? Perhaps you can write a letter but not to give to him; it's simply for your clarification. You will say it instead. You have a few months so you don't need to say it all at once. But start soon because with aggressive cancer, it can all happen very quickly and with some of the treatments your friend may have, he might be too sick to listen a good part of the time.
I realize that this can be really uncomfortable to do but if you are mentally prepared, you will do much better when that final day comes.
Another thing is to not be afraid to talk about what is really happening and the inevitable — maybe even help to plan the funeral. Research has consistently shown that dying people feel very lonely when everyone around them pretends that they are going to be OK. Your friend is going to want to talk about his feelings and being a part of that can be incredibly rewarding.
Being with someone who is dying and with them when they die is nice for them and good for us. This probably sounds surprising to some readers, and perhaps it isn't best for all, but most of the time folks are really glad that they were there in the end.
Good Luck! Saying goodbye is never easy but in this case, you asked the right question and you will be glad that you did.
Dr. Barge
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
How to keep from getting caught in the middle or two friends: Dr Barge gives out some helpful tips
Dear New Shrink,
My mom's former best friend is a good friend of mine, although they parted ways years ago, not by my friend's choice but by my mother's. The reason that they are no longer friends is somewhat fuzzy but according to my mom, her friend embarrassed her by telling her off and contradicting her in front of friends. This apparently happened two times. This friend, for the past few years, has made significant attempts to repair the relationship, apologize and try to reconnect, to no avail. Meanwhile, the friend has been wonderful to me and my family. The friend has not given up trying to mend the friendship with my mom but my mom is silent to her efforts. This is bothersome to me. First, I don't think she taught me not to forgive. Second, I don't want to explain to my kid one day why the lady who was at my wedding and in my life is not liked by my mom and that she hasn't forgiven her years later. Third, I feel I need to teach my mom to evolve as a human and heal through forgiveness. Is it possible some people really don't want to forgive and move on? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Missing a Family Friend
Dear Missing a Family Friend,
First off, I am struck with the way that you signed your question. It immediately made me feel like the loss is not only personal but a familial one for you. It would be nice to have your family back the way that you had known it. Loss is always painful, but as I have said in so many columns, allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you move on.
Regarding what you should do to help your mother, why do you feel that it is it your responsibility to help her evolve and move on? I am not so sure that this is your job.
It is actually quite possible that there is more to the story than you know. It is also quite possible that the more you attempt to change your mom the less likely you will be able to do so. There is something fundamental to human nature and that is, we all resist change when it is thrust upon us. I as a psychologist can change no one. I don't even try or think about it. I can only help others change themselves if they want to. The energy you are putting into this might be better used in forgiving your mom and allowing her to be whoever she is.
There are definitely people who do not want to change and then there are also pockets in people, all of us, that may resist change. Holding on to anger is often a defense against feeling pain or also a defense against being vulnerable to reoccurring injury.
As you said, the story is fuzzy. Perhaps your mom was injured in a way that you cannot see, she cannot describe or is simply difficult for you and her past friend to understand. Have you tried talking to your mother without trying to change her, trying to understand what the injury really is to her? This is definitely one thing that I recommend you do. Tell her how deeply you are struggling but that you also want to understand her side of things. Try to let go of your own agenda.
It is interesting that this embarrassing experience happened more than once with a best friend. I have to wonder what else was backed up in their history and how well this friend really knew your mom. We generally know when to stop with someone who is close to us. It really sounds like you want your family back as you knew it and while that is completely understandable, your mom may never be able to trust this friend again.
Lastly, I don't think you need to worry about your son. When he is old enough to see what is going on, then you can tell him that something happened that you do not understand, it bothers you but if he wants an answer, he should ask his grandmother.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the middle and let it evolve naturally. Don't put so much pressure on yourself and just allow the tears to flow for what once was but is no longer. Maybe you will get lucky with a surprisingly good outcome in the future.
You sound like a great daughter but one who might be taking on too much.
Good luck!
Dr. Barge
** Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
My mom's former best friend is a good friend of mine, although they parted ways years ago, not by my friend's choice but by my mother's. The reason that they are no longer friends is somewhat fuzzy but according to my mom, her friend embarrassed her by telling her off and contradicting her in front of friends. This apparently happened two times. This friend, for the past few years, has made significant attempts to repair the relationship, apologize and try to reconnect, to no avail. Meanwhile, the friend has been wonderful to me and my family. The friend has not given up trying to mend the friendship with my mom but my mom is silent to her efforts. This is bothersome to me. First, I don't think she taught me not to forgive. Second, I don't want to explain to my kid one day why the lady who was at my wedding and in my life is not liked by my mom and that she hasn't forgiven her years later. Third, I feel I need to teach my mom to evolve as a human and heal through forgiveness. Is it possible some people really don't want to forgive and move on? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Missing a Family Friend
Dear Missing a Family Friend,
First off, I am struck with the way that you signed your question. It immediately made me feel like the loss is not only personal but a familial one for you. It would be nice to have your family back the way that you had known it. Loss is always painful, but as I have said in so many columns, allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you move on.
Regarding what you should do to help your mother, why do you feel that it is it your responsibility to help her evolve and move on? I am not so sure that this is your job.
It is actually quite possible that there is more to the story than you know. It is also quite possible that the more you attempt to change your mom the less likely you will be able to do so. There is something fundamental to human nature and that is, we all resist change when it is thrust upon us. I as a psychologist can change no one. I don't even try or think about it. I can only help others change themselves if they want to. The energy you are putting into this might be better used in forgiving your mom and allowing her to be whoever she is.
There are definitely people who do not want to change and then there are also pockets in people, all of us, that may resist change. Holding on to anger is often a defense against feeling pain or also a defense against being vulnerable to reoccurring injury.
As you said, the story is fuzzy. Perhaps your mom was injured in a way that you cannot see, she cannot describe or is simply difficult for you and her past friend to understand. Have you tried talking to your mother without trying to change her, trying to understand what the injury really is to her? This is definitely one thing that I recommend you do. Tell her how deeply you are struggling but that you also want to understand her side of things. Try to let go of your own agenda.
It is interesting that this embarrassing experience happened more than once with a best friend. I have to wonder what else was backed up in their history and how well this friend really knew your mom. We generally know when to stop with someone who is close to us. It really sounds like you want your family back as you knew it and while that is completely understandable, your mom may never be able to trust this friend again.
Lastly, I don't think you need to worry about your son. When he is old enough to see what is going on, then you can tell him that something happened that you do not understand, it bothers you but if he wants an answer, he should ask his grandmother.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the middle and let it evolve naturally. Don't put so much pressure on yourself and just allow the tears to flow for what once was but is no longer. Maybe you will get lucky with a surprisingly good outcome in the future.
You sound like a great daughter but one who might be taking on too much.
Good luck!
Dr. Barge
** Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dr. Barge discusses how to combat the monday blues
Dear New Shrink,
I have been wondering why it is that I hate Mondays so much. I have been asking around and a lot of my friends have similar feelings. It is not unanimous but pretty close. What causes this and what can we do about it?
Signed,
Monday Blues
Dear Monday Blues,
You ask an interesting question but it is difficult to come up with just one answer. Maybe we should start by pointing out that it's the opposite of TGIF?
On a serious note, I really think that each situation is different and I tend to think that it is somewhat age dependent; also gender, marital status and our role in life factor in.
If you are younger, it may be that you are somewhat lost, not sure yet of your direction in life. If you are a recent college grad but can't find a job, this is not exactly uplifting. Looking for employment these days is anxiety producing as well.
Or perhaps your love life, dates, personal relations were not what you had hoped for over the weekend. Any of this can cause the Monday Blues.
And for the very young kids, some have trouble separating from family and friends after a weekend. Monday can be a big day of adjustment for them.
Along similar lines, many moms are homemakers and they experience a kind of empty nest on a Monday. They have been with family and friends all weekend and then everyone is gone come Monday. Sundays tend to be thought of as family day, so following the closeness of it can make the next day seem all the more empty.
It's good to have a game plan for Monday morning; gym, a class, or volunteer work. Having something to get up and go to puts the week off to a better start.
It is also no secret these days that we have a high number of unemployed men. This can be very hard on the self-esteem as well as the pocketbook. If you are the primary income provider, are identified with your work and have a family to support, these are rough times emotionally.
With technology advancing so rapidly and literally replacing people and jobs, some folks have to start over. They often feel insignificant, angry, scared and like a failure to the family.
For the employed, ambitious types, there can be performance anxiety or worry about losing business, jobs or clients. On the other hand, maybe you are employed and hate Mondays simply because you just do not like your job or the people you work with.
Or maybe you are like the young man who recently wrote in about being tired and hung over on Mondays. He clearly needs to cut back on the Sunday drinking. If he can't or finds excuses not to, he may have what we call the Monday morning "alcoholism" flu.
Having said all of this, there are some folks who love Mondays. For some, it is almost like a defense, it gets them away from their weekend blues.
Lastly, there is the retired. This is an important group to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or those career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.
No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. When we are younger, we hopefully have our entire lives ahead of us and much to look forward to. Even if we are not clear in our identity, figuring it out can become the purpose and establishing it, even more so. But if we are beyond this and suddenly lose our jobs, especially if it's a job that is being totally eliminated and won't be coming back, we can become very threatened and the blues may go way beyond Mondays.
The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes and unexpected events much better.
Think about your reasons for the Monday Blues. There is a good chance it falls into one of the categories above or something quite close to it. Once you figure it out, do your best to do something about it.
If not, write back. We are here to help you with your life matters.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
I have been wondering why it is that I hate Mondays so much. I have been asking around and a lot of my friends have similar feelings. It is not unanimous but pretty close. What causes this and what can we do about it?
Signed,
Monday Blues
Dear Monday Blues,
You ask an interesting question but it is difficult to come up with just one answer. Maybe we should start by pointing out that it's the opposite of TGIF?
On a serious note, I really think that each situation is different and I tend to think that it is somewhat age dependent; also gender, marital status and our role in life factor in.
If you are younger, it may be that you are somewhat lost, not sure yet of your direction in life. If you are a recent college grad but can't find a job, this is not exactly uplifting. Looking for employment these days is anxiety producing as well.
Or perhaps your love life, dates, personal relations were not what you had hoped for over the weekend. Any of this can cause the Monday Blues.
And for the very young kids, some have trouble separating from family and friends after a weekend. Monday can be a big day of adjustment for them.
Along similar lines, many moms are homemakers and they experience a kind of empty nest on a Monday. They have been with family and friends all weekend and then everyone is gone come Monday. Sundays tend to be thought of as family day, so following the closeness of it can make the next day seem all the more empty.
It's good to have a game plan for Monday morning; gym, a class, or volunteer work. Having something to get up and go to puts the week off to a better start.
It is also no secret these days that we have a high number of unemployed men. This can be very hard on the self-esteem as well as the pocketbook. If you are the primary income provider, are identified with your work and have a family to support, these are rough times emotionally.
With technology advancing so rapidly and literally replacing people and jobs, some folks have to start over. They often feel insignificant, angry, scared and like a failure to the family.
For the employed, ambitious types, there can be performance anxiety or worry about losing business, jobs or clients. On the other hand, maybe you are employed and hate Mondays simply because you just do not like your job or the people you work with.
Or maybe you are like the young man who recently wrote in about being tired and hung over on Mondays. He clearly needs to cut back on the Sunday drinking. If he can't or finds excuses not to, he may have what we call the Monday morning "alcoholism" flu.
Having said all of this, there are some folks who love Mondays. For some, it is almost like a defense, it gets them away from their weekend blues.
Lastly, there is the retired. This is an important group to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or those career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.
No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. When we are younger, we hopefully have our entire lives ahead of us and much to look forward to. Even if we are not clear in our identity, figuring it out can become the purpose and establishing it, even more so. But if we are beyond this and suddenly lose our jobs, especially if it's a job that is being totally eliminated and won't be coming back, we can become very threatened and the blues may go way beyond Mondays.
The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes and unexpected events much better.
Think about your reasons for the Monday Blues. There is a good chance it falls into one of the categories above or something quite close to it. Once you figure it out, do your best to do something about it.
If not, write back. We are here to help you with your life matters.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Friday, December 10, 2010
Preparing for retirement can be a whole lot more than we bargained for
Brentwood Psychologist Dr Joanne Barge gives insight to the hidden dangers of retirement.
Dear New Shrink,
In your article on the Monday morning blues, you mentioned that retirement can be dangerous, even deadly, if one is not prepared for it. My husband and I are about to retire and while I am excited, I am worried about him. His life has always been about his work and us, his family. Can you elaborate more on what makes for a pleasant retirement verses a dreary one?
Thanks,
Scared to retire
Dear Scared,
I am glad you picked up on the dangers of retiring and I am also happy to expand on it.
No matter what the circumstances of retirement, it is important for us to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.
Some people are forced into retirement and they may need to get over the hurt or resentment that they feel about losing their right to choose. Processing their feelings by talking it out with someone is a good idea. But then, move on to making the best of it.
Maybe you were not forced to retire, it was just time but you are not quite ready. You are that guy or gal who always worked and never had time for anything more. You need to start thinking about what you would like to do, new things to try, hobbies, travel, sports? It is always a good idea to find things that first and foremost you will enjoy but second, bring you into contact with others and keep you active.
No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. Some people work so hard in their careers that they truly don't take the time to develop avocations or hobbies. Their work is their life. Suddenly retired, they can wake up and wonder who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? It is easy to feel as if life is over because their work was their purpose and meaning.
Mondays can be dreadful for these folks and yet, for many others, the beauty of retirement is that time sort of melts together so that there is no more Monday vs. Tuesday or Friday. All of this time is yours to do with as you please, assuming your health permits.
Start thinking about all the things you have wanted to do but never had time for. Make a list and start with the easiest things to do first. Maybe you love to read, well then go to the Library and consider joining a book club. It's important to keep your mind active and the social support is essential to your well being.
If you feel a need to be needed or want to help others, volunteer at a hospital or library, museum or music society, actually anything that suits you. There are countless opportunities for helping others by being a volunteer.
Maybe you start yourself a garden and learn to grow your own vegetables and fruits.
Or just the flowers can be wonderful to grace your own home with or share with a friend.
If you love sports, try one if you can. Being active is healthy and can be social. There are hiking clubs, walking groups, tennis groups, even bicycles on the beach.
If you always wanted to travel, now is a good time to get going. Being part of a tour group might be best because of the social networking, medical attention if needed and guides to help along the way. Traveling does not need to be expensive. There are a number of ways to do it. You can rent an RV and drive across country, go camping or take cruises that are discounted when you sign up in advance. Many have found lifelong friends that they made on their travel tours.
If traveling is your thing, go over your budget and find ways to be creative about it.
And when not traveling, consider taking classes, getting active with others, learning a new skill. Maybe take up dancing, weaving, knitting, sewing, swimming, boating, hiking, chess or poker.
The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes. We also need to feel that we matter, are making a contribution, that our lives are meaningful and have a purpose. We also deserve to play at this point. Find the things that bring you joy and start doing them. It is never too late.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Dear New Shrink,
In your article on the Monday morning blues, you mentioned that retirement can be dangerous, even deadly, if one is not prepared for it. My husband and I are about to retire and while I am excited, I am worried about him. His life has always been about his work and us, his family. Can you elaborate more on what makes for a pleasant retirement verses a dreary one?
Thanks,
Scared to retire
Dear Scared,
I am glad you picked up on the dangers of retiring and I am also happy to expand on it.
No matter what the circumstances of retirement, it is important for us to consider. Scientific research has shown that those who are not prepared for retirement, especially men or career folks who are highly identified with their work, have a much higher incidence of death within the first two years of retirement. It cannot be stressed enough just how very important it is to be prepared for retirement.
Some people are forced into retirement and they may need to get over the hurt or resentment that they feel about losing their right to choose. Processing their feelings by talking it out with someone is a good idea. But then, move on to making the best of it.
Maybe you were not forced to retire, it was just time but you are not quite ready. You are that guy or gal who always worked and never had time for anything more. You need to start thinking about what you would like to do, new things to try, hobbies, travel, sports? It is always a good idea to find things that first and foremost you will enjoy but second, bring you into contact with others and keep you active.
No matter who we are, we need to have a meaning or purpose to our lives. Some people work so hard in their careers that they truly don't take the time to develop avocations or hobbies. Their work is their life. Suddenly retired, they can wake up and wonder who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? It is easy to feel as if life is over because their work was their purpose and meaning.
Mondays can be dreadful for these folks and yet, for many others, the beauty of retirement is that time sort of melts together so that there is no more Monday vs. Tuesday or Friday. All of this time is yours to do with as you please, assuming your health permits.
Start thinking about all the things you have wanted to do but never had time for. Make a list and start with the easiest things to do first. Maybe you love to read, well then go to the Library and consider joining a book club. It's important to keep your mind active and the social support is essential to your well being.
If you feel a need to be needed or want to help others, volunteer at a hospital or library, museum or music society, actually anything that suits you. There are countless opportunities for helping others by being a volunteer.
Maybe you start yourself a garden and learn to grow your own vegetables and fruits.
Or just the flowers can be wonderful to grace your own home with or share with a friend.
If you love sports, try one if you can. Being active is healthy and can be social. There are hiking clubs, walking groups, tennis groups, even bicycles on the beach.
If you always wanted to travel, now is a good time to get going. Being part of a tour group might be best because of the social networking, medical attention if needed and guides to help along the way. Traveling does not need to be expensive. There are a number of ways to do it. You can rent an RV and drive across country, go camping or take cruises that are discounted when you sign up in advance. Many have found lifelong friends that they made on their travel tours.
If traveling is your thing, go over your budget and find ways to be creative about it.
And when not traveling, consider taking classes, getting active with others, learning a new skill. Maybe take up dancing, weaving, knitting, sewing, swimming, boating, hiking, chess or poker.
The bottom line is that we need to be prepared, as prepared as we can be because it always helps us to handle life changes. We also need to feel that we matter, are making a contribution, that our lives are meaningful and have a purpose. We also deserve to play at this point. Find the things that bring you joy and start doing them. It is never too late.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Brentwood Psychologist gives advice on how to react when a friend cuts you off
Dear New Shrink,
I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.
I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,
Sad and disappointed
Dear Sad and disappointed,
There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.
There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.
If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.
If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?
You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.
You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.
Good luck.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
I am not sure where to start. I have (or had) this friend for the last five years or so. When we met, she had few to no friends, seemed very shy and was definitely without social skills. But something about her made me care about her. She has a good heart and a lot of class, in that she is well mannered and treats people well. We have fun together and as time went on, I got to know her as she opened up and revealed the many ways that she had been hurt and humiliated in the past. I felt for her and really cared about her.
I did notice that she tended to be a bit narrow minded, and lacked the ability to compromise, but it really did not get in the way of our friendship. Recently she told me about a problem she continues to struggle with and I made a suggestion, one I truly thought might help. She wanted no part of it. I shouldn't have argued, but I did push it because I truly believed it or something like it might help. In any event, it obviously hit a nerve because she has now left a message saying she never wants to see me or talk to me again. This hurts! I was just trying to help and after all these years of my being in her corner, one disagreement and I am history? This can't be good for her and it doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel healthy or right. I left her a message asking her to think it over, saying I was sorry but I hoped one wrong would not wash away the rest of a good relationship. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?
Signed,
Sad and disappointed
Dear Sad and disappointed,
There is no question that being completely cut off by what you thought was a friend is not pleasant. Ideally, you would at least have a conversation to look at what the misunderstanding might be. If you are truly coming from the caring place you describe, then your friend misunderstood you, or at least misunderstood your intentions. There may also be something you don't know, something that she never told you, maybe a secret that she could never tell you? We don't always know everything about our friends and sometimes we can walk right into a trap in trying to help. This is even more so if she didn't ask for your help.
There is a saying that you don't really know you have a relationship until you make it through your first fight. While this applies more to romantic relationships, there is a thread of truth to it with friendships as well. Relationships of all kinds are inherently loaded with conflict and misunderstandings are common.
If I were you, I would try to talk with your friend and explain that you realize you stepped on her toes but that you never meant to and hope that she can find it in her heart to give you another chance. Let's hope she will at least try to talk with you about what her hurt feelings are about and how the misunderstanding occurred.
If she won't do this, you will just have to let go and move on. Send her lots of good wishes because it sounds like she is going to need it. You said she doesn't have many friends. You are one of her better friends and this is how she handles her anger at you? It is easy to see why her friends are few. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before this happened. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the things we notice about people in the beginning and we should never assume it is going to be different with us. I don't mean to sound harsh but why would you think that she wouldn't turn on you one day? She cuts people off, why not you?
You should also try to reflect about what you may have done to hurt her so much. Most people don't act like this unless they are deeply hurt. If you can figure it out, and have the opportunity to talk to her again, this may bring you a long way in mending the friendship.
You are correct, this is sad. And it is not healthy but do your best to do your part and hope that your friend comes around, not just for your sake but for her own sake as well.
Good luck.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr. Barge
Monday, December 6, 2010
Brentwood Therapist Dr Barge gives advice on dating IQ
Do you know someone who is highly intelligent that falls hopelessly in the dating arena? Listen in.
Dear New Shrink,
Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.
For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.
She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!
While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.
I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.
Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?
Dear Maybe,
First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.
However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?
Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.
This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.
About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.
If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.
As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.
Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
Why are so many smart women so dumb when it comes to men? I have a friend who is smart and successful and I think most people would agree, is also beautiful. But unfortunately, she seems out of touch when it comes to men. She doesn't seem to be able to discern sincerity from bologna. And she seems to get hopeful when there is no good reason to.
For example, one evening a successful businessman but known player, made a sincere sounding declaration of his desire for her, adding in his desire to settle down, be married and have kids. It was one night when they were all celebrating a big success. Mind you, they had never been out before.
She had been attracted to him as well. They had a heavy "make out session," if you want to call it that. He promised to call her as soon as he returned from his next business trip. However, it's been three months, and you guessed it, no call!
While she understands that he probably will not be calling, there is a part of her that clings to the notion that they were meant to be together and is secretly waiting for him to call one day.
I don't understand why an otherwise smart woman would believe this? Can you explain it to me or at least help me understand this? I don't think she is alone. If there were something I can do to help, I would love to, please let me know. I hate seeing her suffer because I care about her deeply. But I am clueless on what to say, if anything. And truthfully, I do not understand it.
Signed,
Maybe I'm dumb, too?
Dear Maybe,
First off, relationships can be difficult to understand and work out. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows they are fraught with questions, concerns and difficulties. They definitely require a lot of work, but that is generally after a commitment has been made.
However, this is a different question here. Smart women, successful women, I assume you mean in their given career. They make money and can take care of themselves?
Your friend sounds as if she believes in magic. Maybe even the magic kingdom with the prince charming that one day finally comes along and makes everything so perfect and wonderful. All love, no more worries. Now the princess is protected and taken care of and he is hers, and it's love and romance forever more.
This would be fantastic and while there are many good men as well as many good women, we all are, in the end, just people. Even those appointed with the titles of "prince" and "princess," are just human beings with all the same frailties and failings as the rest of the human race.
About men: they are not all the same, but they do have one thing in common. They have a drug pumping through their veins, 24/7 and it's not their fault. Testosterone makes them say and do things uncharacteristic of themselves. They mean it in the moment, or at least sort of, but it is forgotten the next day. They were under the influence.
If you or your friend wants to know what' s real, take a little time to get to know your man. If he is truly interested in you as a person, then a few dinners together is not too long to wait to get intimate. He will wait. If he doesn't or can't, it probably was just testosterone talking.
As for women (or men) with sudden dumbness in a given area, this is what we call "neurotic stupidity." It is a defense. We get all confused so that we cannot or will not have to face something we don't want to think about or feel. It does sound like your otherwise smart woman friend may become neurotically stupid so that she doesn't have to face, deal with or experience some issue she has with men.
Maybe she prefers to live in her magical fantasy world of "hope." Hope is interesting. We certainly need it; it has a very important function in our psyches. But there is a dark side to it as well. Hope is a drug when we use it to deny reality, it may help us fight a disease but it can also cost us a lot of wasted time when we use it to dope ourselves up. We need to hope that we use hope in a realistic way and are able to tell ourselves how to read the signs and when to move on.
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Im so Lonely I could die: 90049 Therapist Dr Barge reacts to these common
Have you been feeling lonely but don't know what to do about it? Dr Barge reacts on this uncomfortable feeling.
Dear New Shrink,
I have been feeling terrible. I think I might be depressed but my doctor doesn't think so and when I read up on depression, I don't have the symptoms. I just feel sad and often hopeless and I have been feeling this way since I lost my husband. He was my best friend and I just can't seem to replace him. I try to get out to social events, call my friends, but I even feel lonely when I am with them.
I am thinking of getting a pet, but otherwise I don't know what to do about this pain or even why I have it.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
I hope that what I write here can help you some. You are right in describing the horrible pain of loneliness. It is very painful and there can even be a feeling of heartache that goes with it. Do you have that?
Loneliness comes from not being able to fully connect with others. If you can be lonely in a room full of friends, this may be a big part of it for you. You didn't have it with your husband because he was, as you put it, your best friend. This to me means that you trusted him and really connected with him.
You probably don't want to replace him and you don't have to. But you might need to mourn your loss and move on. I would imagine he would want you to be happy, and clearly you are not.
A bereavement group might be a good place to start.
I say this because a group might help you to start connecting with others again while at the same time, also begin the process of getting over your loss.
The key to eliminating loneliness is to look at what is holding you back from getting closer to or connecting with others. Do you have trouble trusting people? Are you afraid of rejection? Or are you the type that believes you don't need anyone; you are better off taking care of things on your own? This might make you a tad standoffish.
Start by answering these questions and then take baby steps to go directly up against your fears and negative beliefs. Among your social acquaintances, pick the one or two that you think you have the most in common with and who you feel you can trust the most. Then slowly begin to befriend them. Invite them over or out to lunch. Try sharing some personal things about yourself, to whatever degree you are comfortable and then be sure to ask about them. Let the trust and comfort grow slowly but surely. Stay with it. Odds are that over time you will begin to feel connected and the loneliness will begin to subside.
If you are going to get a pet, maybe pick one that is similar to what other people around you have because sharing pet walks and talks about your pets can be a great icebreaker.
Now I just said, "go against your fears or negative beliefs." I really mean this because if you have had trouble connecting, then you have trust issues of some kind and to protect yourself you may find yourself subconsciously looking for what is wrong with others instead of what is right. You must challenge your own fears and negativity, which is almost always a defense.
Look for the good in people. Give them a chance, a fair chance. Notice when you are being negative or judgmental and stop yourself. No one is perfect and if you want to rid yourself from the heartache of loneliness, you are going to have to give others a chance.
You should also know that loneliness is not just emotionally painful; it is actually a high risk factor in early mortality. This is because with chronic loneliness, it elevates your systolic blood pressure and that in turn can lead to premature death. This has been demonstrated in a number of research studies that controlled for other related variables as well.
Catch your loneliness early. Don't let it become chronic. Not only is it harder to change the longer it goes on, but also your health risks go way up.
Having said that, it is never, or at least rarely ever, too late to change.
Start your change now so that you can feel better and live longer. And if you are successful, pass it on. Share the positive change with others.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
Dear New Shrink,
I have been feeling terrible. I think I might be depressed but my doctor doesn't think so and when I read up on depression, I don't have the symptoms. I just feel sad and often hopeless and I have been feeling this way since I lost my husband. He was my best friend and I just can't seem to replace him. I try to get out to social events, call my friends, but I even feel lonely when I am with them.
I am thinking of getting a pet, but otherwise I don't know what to do about this pain or even why I have it.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
I hope that what I write here can help you some. You are right in describing the horrible pain of loneliness. It is very painful and there can even be a feeling of heartache that goes with it. Do you have that?
Loneliness comes from not being able to fully connect with others. If you can be lonely in a room full of friends, this may be a big part of it for you. You didn't have it with your husband because he was, as you put it, your best friend. This to me means that you trusted him and really connected with him.
You probably don't want to replace him and you don't have to. But you might need to mourn your loss and move on. I would imagine he would want you to be happy, and clearly you are not.
A bereavement group might be a good place to start.
I say this because a group might help you to start connecting with others again while at the same time, also begin the process of getting over your loss.
The key to eliminating loneliness is to look at what is holding you back from getting closer to or connecting with others. Do you have trouble trusting people? Are you afraid of rejection? Or are you the type that believes you don't need anyone; you are better off taking care of things on your own? This might make you a tad standoffish.
Start by answering these questions and then take baby steps to go directly up against your fears and negative beliefs. Among your social acquaintances, pick the one or two that you think you have the most in common with and who you feel you can trust the most. Then slowly begin to befriend them. Invite them over or out to lunch. Try sharing some personal things about yourself, to whatever degree you are comfortable and then be sure to ask about them. Let the trust and comfort grow slowly but surely. Stay with it. Odds are that over time you will begin to feel connected and the loneliness will begin to subside.
If you are going to get a pet, maybe pick one that is similar to what other people around you have because sharing pet walks and talks about your pets can be a great icebreaker.
Now I just said, "go against your fears or negative beliefs." I really mean this because if you have had trouble connecting, then you have trust issues of some kind and to protect yourself you may find yourself subconsciously looking for what is wrong with others instead of what is right. You must challenge your own fears and negativity, which is almost always a defense.
Look for the good in people. Give them a chance, a fair chance. Notice when you are being negative or judgmental and stop yourself. No one is perfect and if you want to rid yourself from the heartache of loneliness, you are going to have to give others a chance.
You should also know that loneliness is not just emotionally painful; it is actually a high risk factor in early mortality. This is because with chronic loneliness, it elevates your systolic blood pressure and that in turn can lead to premature death. This has been demonstrated in a number of research studies that controlled for other related variables as well.
Catch your loneliness early. Don't let it become chronic. Not only is it harder to change the longer it goes on, but also your health risks go way up.
Having said that, it is never, or at least rarely ever, too late to change.
Start your change now so that you can feel better and live longer. And if you are successful, pass it on. Share the positive change with others.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge**
**Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press SMDP Dr Barge
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