I hate my mother, I love my mother

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 10, 2013

Dear Life Matters,

I am having a really hard time. I can’t even say what I really want to say because you won’t publish it. But I hope you are listening and really hear what I am desperately trying to say.

My mother is divorced. For a long time now I have somehow become her go-to guy, her best friend. Actually, I feel more like the parent than her son. She is constantly texting me messages about her boyfriend problems or her medical problems or whatever. It seems everything is a problem for her. I would call her a drama queen except I think the situation is worse than that.

I think she is one of those women who were strikingly beautiful (she used to model) and decided that all she needed was a rich man to take care of her and she would be just fine. Well, she has definitely had a number of well-off guys who did take care of her, but throughout it all I still was her best buddy.

It used to feel good, like I was somehow really special to her, but I am now beginning to see it differently. I feel special only to the degree that she can and does use me. She truly has no life or her own. She lives through others and she lives through me most of all and I do not know how to get away!

I am very ashamed to tell you the horrible things I have said to her and terrible names I have called her. But not even that works.

I am in my 20s and have always done well in school. I am one semester away from graduating from a prestigious university, but I just cannot seem to get it together and finish. I must admit that I have taken to smoking pot every day and, honestly, it is the only relief I have. It is the only way I can get away from her! I don’t know if it is the bud or my anger at her that keeps me from graduating?

She begs me to finish and she pays the tuition. I think she wants me to finish so, when all else fails, I will be there to take care of her. I cannot ever see a life of my own, for myself.

So, I do love her and want her to be well and happy, but I also harbor extreme rage towards her. I just hate her sometimes for being so selfish and robbing me of a life.

Signed, Hate/Love

Dear Hate/Love,

I can see that your situation is dire. It is most unfortunate when we have a parent who lives through us, which is what you seem to be describing.

I think most, if not all, of us love our mothers at some level, but it is certainly true that an intrusive and selfish one that cannot see that she needs to back off and let you breathe is intolerable. It does lead to extremely angry feelings; perhaps rage is the best term for this. We all need the space to be ourselves and grow into who we are meant to be. It sounds like you are being robbed of this experience right now and actually for some time now.

I think it is extremely sad when beautiful women (and it can happen to men too) just rely on their looks and charm to capture that person who will take care of them in the fashion that they see fit. It normally does not work. They can’t keep the relationship because it is too shallow or someone moves on to a younger model. Actually, I have counseled a good number of these women who have objectified themselves and many of them hate their husbands or partners, and they really are miserable. This is sad, but we need to first help you.

I think it is most important to focus on you right now! She is obviously getting to you, but let’s think of how you can gently back off and begin to take care of yourself.

Is smoking so much grass keeping you from finishing your college degree? If you step back and think for yourself, is this degree something that can put you ahead and that you would like to have, independent of your mother? Are you punishing your mother by not graduating when it might well be the best thing for you personally?

I think you should seek some counseling to separate yourself and learn to think for yourself and do what is best for you. Your university healthcare center most likely can and will provide you with no cost counseling. Get it now and do what is best for you.

We can tackle the mom problem later and most likely the college counselor can help with that too.

Mom needs serious help, but we need to start with you.

Learning to Live without Ma and Pa

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 24, 2013

Dear Life Matters,

I recently got news that my father is very ill and I am not handling it well at all. I find myself in complete denial and shock because somehow, even at my age, I am not prepared to lose my parents.

I am single and have no children. I think in some way I am still living as if I am a young person and the “child” of my parents. Suddenly I am realizing my age, how fast time passes and how empty my life is in some ways. I have a great career and I do have a long-time lover, but my life will be really empty without my parents and I feel like I cannot face it. I am already feeling like an orphan.

What is the best way for me to cope with this? I have been advised to visit my father as soon as possible because his condition is terminal. This would be a rather big trip for me and I definitely would have to take time off and make arrangements.

I keep thinking that it can wait, that he might recover, that he doesn’t sound so bad on the phone and, quite frankly, I am terrified of how I will react if I see him.  But I want to do what is right, whatever is best for him and for me.

What do you think?

Signed,  

Middle-aged and scared

Dear Scared,

I am sorry for your dilemma and the imminent loss of your father. Loss is always painful for all of us, no matter who we are or when it occurs.

But there is definitely something to say about the cycle of life and when or why it feels natural at certain times and not at others.

I think you bring up a very important point, whether you know it or not.

You say that you are not married and do not have children. What you are saying is that you have not lived what we have come to know as a conventional family life here in America. I think that this may be part of the reason that you are having such a hard time.

There is a natural cycle of life that, albeit painful to all, is more acceptable and easy to deal with when loss feels natural.

We know, for example, that anyone who has lost a child finds it virtually impossible to get over it. A big part of the reason is clearly that it is so unnatural, so outside the normal cycle of life.

We expect to deal with the death of our parents at some point and this is hard enough, but when loss occurs outside of the normal cycle, it is exceptionally difficult to deal with. You, like a number of folks these days, are without a family and I believe that this makes the cycle seem less natural.

If you had children, and a family of your own, you would feel and see the natural cycle of things. You would also still have a family, even when the elders pass.

But if you do not have this family continuity, the emptiness is not only more obvious, but also more profound. Your loss comes not only as a painful surprise, but it is probably one that has not been anticipated or planned for because you have no family of your own, no continuation of the family.

This is regretful and something many people have to deal with these days because without children, grandchildren and a normal cycle of life, a parent’s passing will probably be more painful.

You cannot change your circumstances, but, to answer your question, the best way for you to deal with it is to face it and deal with it directly. We handle things that we are mentally prepared for better, an advantage that those with families and the expected normal cycle of life have, but you can begin to prepare yourself for what is normal by embracing what is going to happen, whether you feel prepared for it or not.

Your friends or advisors are correct; you should definitely prepare to go visit your father and the sooner the better. You will be very sorry if the unthinkable happens and you have not seen him and said your goodbyes.

The people who deal with loss the best are those who have prepared themselves and have said their goodbyes. Also, if there is any unfinished business, keep in mind that emotional closure is very important as well. Once someone is gone, you can no longer go back and finish things. Do it now, while you still can.

Are you a love addict?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 7, 2013

Dear Life Matters,

My friends have been ribbing me a lot lately, saying that I am a “Love Addict!” I think they might be joking but then I also think that a part of them is serious. I do know that I have some relationship issues but I really thought this was the sort of thing that only females experienced.

I am not sure why but I love new relationships and that feeling of being in love. I love the sparks that fly, the intimacy that is so powerful, the chemistry, but once that begins to settle down or fade, usually around three to four months, I begin to get bored.

Usually, I lose interest, find fault with the woman and kind of just drift away looking for the next partner who will also be thrilling, but I am also always hoping that it will last longer. So far, it never has.

I really do not want to spend my life alone so help!

Signed,

Maybe a love addict

Dear Maybe,

First off, this addiction as you call it, is not just for females. Many men like to think that they are stronger than women and don’t have these kinds of issues but you do. Physically different (or stronger) does not make you completely different emotionally nor does it render your brain activity different in response to this sort of stimuli.

Anyone can be a love addict. Popular culture encourages it and our quick paced lives, always wanting answers and solutions immediately as if people were made up of the same components as a Google search, definitely has contributed to relationship problems. For all the good of the Internet, its down side is that many folks expect immediate results and if and when they do not get them, they move on quickly.

This is simply not how real relationships work. Each one is different and there is no blue print sent from the heavens to tell us exactly how one should go.

Movies, and music perpetuate the notion of perfect love, love at first sight and some of the things that we might all want to believe in but to stay close to your question, all of this can feed into love addiction.

Most of us love that wonderful feeling that comes with falling in love. Early on it is intoxicating. Preliminary research following reactions in the brain has shown that the early stages of love intoxication light up the same neurobiological pathways as cocaine or similar drugs that get us high.

So clearly the dopamine (pleasure) center is involved when we first fall in love. And it is intoxicating and people do feel high but that phase in a relationship never lasts more than a few months. It begins to diminish once we are drawn closer to each other and then comes the next phase where we take the blinders off and we find out if the one we are with is the one we are meant to be with.

In this phase we deal with how we are at settling our differences? Can we resolve problems? Or are our differences or conflicts too great to make us truly compatible?

It is here that some folks bail before ever having given it a chance. They want no part of it, and they are out to find the next love as quickly as possible, never looking back, much as you describe about yourself.

For it to really be called an addiction, there must be consequences that one ignores and yet, keeps up the behavior anyway. In your case, perhaps it is the loneliness that you ignore?

There is another aspect to this behavior that may or may not be related to love addiction. Fears of attachment can derail budding relationships because attachment can lead to loss, which is the real fear involved here, and of course loss is painful to all of us.

A good number of people have difficulty with attachment and once they start to feel attached, they run away out of fear. It is often like a knee jerk reaction, they don’t even realize what they are doing. Spoiling the relationship before it gets dangerously close or finding fault with a potential partner so that there is good reason to get away are common defenses against the feared attachment.

Attachment and abandonment issues can lead to love addiction but they are not necessarily one in the same. Some people avoid relationships all together.

Other folks have these issues but are also totally taken by the intoxicating effects of first being in love or some consider sexual connection, with the same high, to be a real relationship, until they realize that it just isn’t.

Either way, you end up with a problem and probably alone. Love addiction can have much more serious consequences.

If you would like, e-mail me and I can give you a couple of good books that might help.

Living in a Sexless Marriage

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 21, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I feel a lot of anxiety and a bit of embarrassment to write to you about this. It is hard for me, it feels terribly upsetting and I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeves. Thank you for treating my identity with utmost confidentiality.

My problem is that I am in a long-term marriage with a number of children. We are a close family and love each other and this is all great. No family problems, but, and a big but here, my spouse and I rarely have sex anymore.

It was great in the beginning; we couldn’t get enough of each other. But as time wore on it became quieter and quieter and less and less. I know that sex tends to lessen in long-term relationships, but when it gets to zero, and for years now, I do not think it is natural and I am most unhappy about it.

I have not strayed, but I am starting to have fantasies, but honestly I only want to be with my wife. She is everything to me, but I am feeling frustrated, lonely and I feel hurt inside. Somehow it seems to me that if she loved me she would want to make love with me. If I try to discuss this with her she either changes the subject or picks a fight with me.

I think you will probably tell me to go to marriage counseling, but I have tried that and so far she says she won’t go. She says that I am overly sensitive, that I make too big a deal of sex and, simply put, in her eyes we don’t have a problem.

The only thing I know for sure is that this is not working for me. I feel very rejected. I think, in the end, it could tear us apart.

Signed, Hurt, hurt and hurt!

Dear Hurt,

I can feel your pain! This is a very serious problem and your wife sounds like she is being very defensive.

Sexual connection with one’s partner is a natural and necessary part of life and of a relationship. You are very normal in your feelings and it is really interesting that she is so defensive. It begs the question, what is she defending?

It is very nice that you have a great family relationship and are close with your children. This is truly important and something you hope to have forever, but a divorce could change all that.

A marriage of no love making, year after year, is not normal or healthy.

Everyone can site an example of someone they know who is married forever and hasn’t had sex in decades, but that is not the norm and we have no way of knowing what they are really feeling inside. Conversely, there are many couples married for years who are very active sexually.

It really comes down to what works for both of you. In all relationships there must be room for two. Your needs are as important as hers and it is important that she realize this. It is not that one is right and the other is wrong. It just is a matter of caring about and being empathic to your partner’s needs and desires. From the way you describe this, there has only been room for one and it’s her!

This simply is not healthy and it definitely does not make for a good relationship. Your feelings are very understandable, but now the trick is to get her to understand them and to try to figure out what is going on with her that has made her so unavailable to you.

I am wondering about her age or her personal history. Is she at an age where she is no longer feeling good about herself and her body? Maybe she has no sex drive because of low or lost hormones.

Does she have a history of sexual abuse? I have worked with couples married for years where sex has gone by the wayside because the wife was really never into it because of an abuse history. Do you tell her she is attractive to you or do you just complain about not having sex?

Finally, underneath sex problems, often there are unresolved resentments.

You really do need to seek marital therapy and preferably with someone who is experienced, if not certified, in sex therapy. Tell your partner how important this is to you. You need to get through to her and “not wearing your heart on your sleeve” may be working against you at this point. She needs to know how deeply hurt and rejected you feel and how much you want to connect with her.

If she still won’t go, go without her and get some resolution for yourself. Often one partner going ends up helping both and it is not unusual for the other to follow.

Good luck!

Can one really become a mind reader?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press December 5, 2013

Dear New Shrink,

My girlfriend is forever thinking she can read my mind. I don’t believe it. What is your opinion on this?

She will tell me she knows what I’m thinking. She will be wrong and it is usually some insecurity of hers that she puts into my mind, not literally of course, but my point is that she is sure that she is right. She then gets upset and we end up in a fight because she is not right and I find this quite irritating! I love her to death, but when she starts this I feel like breaking up with her.

We tried a counselor who taught us the communication skill of saying “I feel,” instead of “you.”

Now she says, as an example, “I feel that you are upset with me.”

She thinks she is doing what the counselor advised, but I don’t see the difference? Can you enlighten me, please?

Signed, Irritated

Dear Irritated,

I can see why you might feel so irritated and I am sure you are frustrated as well. Let me assure you that most people would feel exactly as you do.

As to your first question, you are correct others cannot read our minds. I am a psychologist with 30 years of experience and I am not able to read people’s minds. You would think someone with my background could if anyone could.

Unfortunately there are a few too many people who think they know what others are thinking, even though it is not possible. Now, having said that, when we are close to someone and know him or her well, we do have a head start on guessing what might be happening.

But it is never a good idea to assume you are correct or to be so certain as your girl- friend sounds. As you have pointed out, assumptions with this degree of certainty might just as easily be projections. The term projection was borrowed from film and literally means that something inside of us is being projected onto another. An example might be that I feel angry or upset with you, but I either cannot tolerate the feeling or I deny it, so I then project it onto you and think that you are angry and upset with me. Yes, it is crazy making.

When couples come in to see me for marital or couples counseling, I invariably have to warn them that making attributions about the other is very bad for the relationship.

We really do need to learn to listen to each other, have empathy for our partners, even when we do not agree. Empathy is not agreement. Empathy is attuning and understanding.

If we really listen with an empathic ear, we can help each other with whatever insecurities each might have and hopefully begin to withdraw the projections.

Assuming we know what the other is thinking and acting on it is very unhealthy and leads to significant problems. We’ve all heard the saying, “When you assume, you make an ass out of ‘u’ and me.”

As for the communication skills you learned, well it doesn’t sound like you really learned them because what you should have come away with is the ability to talk about your own feelings and not make attributions by pointing the finger at the other. “I am feeling hurt” or “I am feeling scared” or “I am excited right now” are good examples. When someone says “I feel that you are (fill in the blank),” it is not their feelings that they are talking about. It is their analysis of you and they are making an attribution, which often contains a projection.

No one likes being told that they are thinking or feeling something that they are not. It is irritating and very frustrating. Because you love her, you need to discuss this with her in a serious matter, and not when you are fighting. Perhaps show her this article, if it won’t make her too angry. Whether you show her this or not, I think you need some more or different counseling.

Be firm about it, tell her how much she means to you and that you want to make sure your relationship will be healthy.

I hope this has helped. I will sign off with something fun, but profound to remember and that is, when you are pointing the finger at someone else, remember that three are pointing right back at you. Try it with your hand right now and you will see. It is a great metaphor.

How to keep a holiday party from getting awkward

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press December 18, 2013.

Dear Life Matters,

I am hosting a rather large holiday dinner with both friends and family invited. This is a tradition and it has always been very nice and a lot of fun.

But this year is a little different because one of my husband’s sisters has had a very bad marital situation this past year. Her husband left her and it turned out he cheated on her. She was devastated, but from what we can tell she is considering taking him back and there may be some reconciliation. They have been married a number of years and, quite frankly, this has come as a shock to everyone in the family. Their eldest daughter, who is still young and most would agree immature, is no longer speaking to him.

Truthfully, we do not know what is going on. We do not know if they are back together or not, if they are trying to make it work and certainly do not know what the family members, especially the eldest daughter, are thinking and feeling.

We have invited them to come to our dinner, but have not heard back from them. We really do not know what to think or how to act if they do come? How should we act if they come? How do we handle the tension between the father and daughter?

I don’t feel like I can hide my negative feelings toward him and I find myself wanting to ask questions. What should I do? How should we act? Should we not invite them?

Signed,

Torn

Dear Torn,

I can see and understand your dilemma, but I think we should consider all of the possibilities before drawing any conclusions.

When someone in the family has had an affair and there’s a lot of tension,  holiday get-togethers can be very awkward indeed.

You said that you already invited them, but they haven’t responded. I do not see how you can now disinvite them. If you did, that would definitely bring bad blood between you. If they have not answered, there is a very good chance that they are thinking about all of the same things that you are and my hunch is that they will back out gracefully this year. They probably don’t want to air their dirty laundry in front of all of you, and even if they said nothing, it sounds like they are in a very raw state that would make things obvious and tense for them and the rest of you.

That being said, they probably will skip this year and all of your worry will have been for not.

If they do come, it will probably be because they have worked things out to some degree and are feeling more comfortable.

It’s my opinion that you should just play host and treat them like everyone else. Do your best to make them feel comfortable. This will benefit you and them and everyone else there, whether the others know the situation or not.

As host, it’s your job to help everyone feel at ease and enjoy themselves.

I can understand your feelings, but I think you need to put them aside while hosting your holiday party. Just act the same as you do every other year.

Definitely do not ask questions; this is not the time or place for it. Also, it may not really be your business. Often we get involved in situations like this when, truthfully, it should be left up to the people directly involved to work out. We all need to be careful about getting drawn into these situations because the people involved often will try to get us on one side or the other and we may only be hearing part or half of the story.

It is usually the most vocal and seemingly wounded who will pull us in and, unfortunately, many of us think in terms of the heavy (bad one) and the victim. However, relationships usually do not work this way; it takes two to tango! More often than not we are not getting the entire picture so it truly is best to stay one step removed. We can be supportive while keeping an appropriate boundary.

One of the worst things you can do is invite one and not the other or bad mouth the other, only for them to end up back together and then you end up being the bad one or, at the very least, in a pretty awkward position.

I suggest you have a relaxing and fun holiday party and let the powers that be take care of your in-laws. Just be a good host and tend to yourself and your guests.

Who am I talking to?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press January 30, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I am experiencing some really difficult times with my loved one. She has been my partner for almost a decade now and I love her dearly.

Most of the time things are good, but when I need some space or I have to leave her for some time, she goes into a rage and it’s as if she has a totally different personality! I am not kidding; her facial expressions are completely different, even the sound of her voice is completely different. It is like she is a completely different person; it’s like she’s possessed.

We saw a marriage counselor and in the session she admitted feeling like she had something like a psychotic break. The therapist said that she has some kind of a personality problem or disorder. The therapist also said couples counseling was probably not going to work.

I’m a pretty tough guy, but these episodes hurt me deeply. Is there anything that can be done or anything that I can do, other than “man up?”

I don’t think I can take much more.

Thank you,

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Your situation does sound serious. Let me see if I can’t educate you a bit and make some suggestions that might help. I cannot say what is happening with your partner because I have never met her. I will, however, give you some information based on what you have said here.

There are people who have been deeply traumatized, usually when they were quite young and/or during their childhood, who do their best to bury the trauma and all the associated feelings. It’s maybe what we might think of as compartmentalizing. They attempt to move forward in the world just like the rest of us, but every so often the traumatized self comes out and screams out with the excruciating pain that it feels.

Sometimes this is referred to as Dissociative Disorder, formally called Multiple Personalities, but more often is diagnosed as Borderline Personality, which is someone who has great difficulty with emotional regulation.

Some of the classic symptoms of this are emotional instability; difficulty if not inability to tolerate separation; extreme reactions to abandonment, real or imagined; extreme difficulty with interpersonal relations; and often some history of substance abuse, shopping sprees, sexual promiscuity and also, self injury. Having said that, there are varying degrees of this and some people are far more functional than others. The bottom line, as you can see, is a real inability to control their moods and emotions.

I liken it to the construction of a home. If we build one, we hope it is on solid ground and that it is well constructed. From there it is about décor and fixtures, maybe later a remodel.

Our personalities are built on the temperament that we are born with, although it can be modified with good parenting and attunement to our babies. Then we build personalities with that and other environmental factors, but primarily the experience of our interpersonal world.

If our house is not well built, it is going to blow apart or suffer some serious damage when a strong storm comes along. The same is true for this type of personality. If everything is wonderful, things can go smoothly, but with any gust of wind, there can be a real shake up.

People who have these types of problems are not at fault. It is because of the trauma they experienced. The good news is that the field of mental health is coming up with new treatments every day that are successful. The bad news is that sometimes these people are too scared, and untrusting to try therapy.

If you can get your wife into treatment, it sounds like she might benefit from what is known as DBT or EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, to name a few specialized treatments for trauma. Talk therapy alone will not be enough. Unfortunately, there are no medications that target this specifically so it has to be therapy with a specialized trauma therapist.

Couples therapy won’t work except to move her towards seeking the trauma therapy. If you can get through to her that you deeply love her and she trusts you and the therapist enough, you might be able to get her into trauma treatment. Then I would say couples counseling was a success, but it won’t be a success in the classic way that we think of, helping the relationship to be better. It needs that missing ingredient.

As far as “man up,” I hope you don’t mean keep taking it like a man and pretend it doesn’t hurt. If you point out her defects and criticize her she wont hear you. But if you share your hurt feelings, you have a good chance of being heard because that it something she understands.