How to keep a holiday party from getting awkward

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press December 18, 2013.

Dear Life Matters,

I am hosting a rather large holiday dinner with both friends and family invited. This is a tradition and it has always been very nice and a lot of fun.

But this year is a little different because one of my husband’s sisters has had a very bad marital situation this past year. Her husband left her and it turned out he cheated on her. She was devastated, but from what we can tell she is considering taking him back and there may be some reconciliation. They have been married a number of years and, quite frankly, this has come as a shock to everyone in the family. Their eldest daughter, who is still young and most would agree immature, is no longer speaking to him.

Truthfully, we do not know what is going on. We do not know if they are back together or not, if they are trying to make it work and certainly do not know what the family members, especially the eldest daughter, are thinking and feeling.

We have invited them to come to our dinner, but have not heard back from them. We really do not know what to think or how to act if they do come? How should we act if they come? How do we handle the tension between the father and daughter?

I don’t feel like I can hide my negative feelings toward him and I find myself wanting to ask questions. What should I do? How should we act? Should we not invite them?

Signed,

Torn

Dear Torn,

I can see and understand your dilemma, but I think we should consider all of the possibilities before drawing any conclusions.

When someone in the family has had an affair and there’s a lot of tension,  holiday get-togethers can be very awkward indeed.

You said that you already invited them, but they haven’t responded. I do not see how you can now disinvite them. If you did, that would definitely bring bad blood between you. If they have not answered, there is a very good chance that they are thinking about all of the same things that you are and my hunch is that they will back out gracefully this year. They probably don’t want to air their dirty laundry in front of all of you, and even if they said nothing, it sounds like they are in a very raw state that would make things obvious and tense for them and the rest of you.

That being said, they probably will skip this year and all of your worry will have been for not.

If they do come, it will probably be because they have worked things out to some degree and are feeling more comfortable.

It’s my opinion that you should just play host and treat them like everyone else. Do your best to make them feel comfortable. This will benefit you and them and everyone else there, whether the others know the situation or not.

As host, it’s your job to help everyone feel at ease and enjoy themselves.

I can understand your feelings, but I think you need to put them aside while hosting your holiday party. Just act the same as you do every other year.

Definitely do not ask questions; this is not the time or place for it. Also, it may not really be your business. Often we get involved in situations like this when, truthfully, it should be left up to the people directly involved to work out. We all need to be careful about getting drawn into these situations because the people involved often will try to get us on one side or the other and we may only be hearing part or half of the story.

It is usually the most vocal and seemingly wounded who will pull us in and, unfortunately, many of us think in terms of the heavy (bad one) and the victim. However, relationships usually do not work this way; it takes two to tango! More often than not we are not getting the entire picture so it truly is best to stay one step removed. We can be supportive while keeping an appropriate boundary.

One of the worst things you can do is invite one and not the other or bad mouth the other, only for them to end up back together and then you end up being the bad one or, at the very least, in a pretty awkward position.

I suggest you have a relaxing and fun holiday party and let the powers that be take care of your in-laws. Just be a good host and tend to yourself and your guests.

Who am I talking to?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press January 30, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I am experiencing some really difficult times with my loved one. She has been my partner for almost a decade now and I love her dearly.

Most of the time things are good, but when I need some space or I have to leave her for some time, she goes into a rage and it’s as if she has a totally different personality! I am not kidding; her facial expressions are completely different, even the sound of her voice is completely different. It is like she is a completely different person; it’s like she’s possessed.

We saw a marriage counselor and in the session she admitted feeling like she had something like a psychotic break. The therapist said that she has some kind of a personality problem or disorder. The therapist also said couples counseling was probably not going to work.

I’m a pretty tough guy, but these episodes hurt me deeply. Is there anything that can be done or anything that I can do, other than “man up?”

I don’t think I can take much more.

Thank you,

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Your situation does sound serious. Let me see if I can’t educate you a bit and make some suggestions that might help. I cannot say what is happening with your partner because I have never met her. I will, however, give you some information based on what you have said here.

There are people who have been deeply traumatized, usually when they were quite young and/or during their childhood, who do their best to bury the trauma and all the associated feelings. It’s maybe what we might think of as compartmentalizing. They attempt to move forward in the world just like the rest of us, but every so often the traumatized self comes out and screams out with the excruciating pain that it feels.

Sometimes this is referred to as Dissociative Disorder, formally called Multiple Personalities, but more often is diagnosed as Borderline Personality, which is someone who has great difficulty with emotional regulation.

Some of the classic symptoms of this are emotional instability; difficulty if not inability to tolerate separation; extreme reactions to abandonment, real or imagined; extreme difficulty with interpersonal relations; and often some history of substance abuse, shopping sprees, sexual promiscuity and also, self injury. Having said that, there are varying degrees of this and some people are far more functional than others. The bottom line, as you can see, is a real inability to control their moods and emotions.

I liken it to the construction of a home. If we build one, we hope it is on solid ground and that it is well constructed. From there it is about décor and fixtures, maybe later a remodel.

Our personalities are built on the temperament that we are born with, although it can be modified with good parenting and attunement to our babies. Then we build personalities with that and other environmental factors, but primarily the experience of our interpersonal world.

If our house is not well built, it is going to blow apart or suffer some serious damage when a strong storm comes along. The same is true for this type of personality. If everything is wonderful, things can go smoothly, but with any gust of wind, there can be a real shake up.

People who have these types of problems are not at fault. It is because of the trauma they experienced. The good news is that the field of mental health is coming up with new treatments every day that are successful. The bad news is that sometimes these people are too scared, and untrusting to try therapy.

If you can get your wife into treatment, it sounds like she might benefit from what is known as DBT or EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, to name a few specialized treatments for trauma. Talk therapy alone will not be enough. Unfortunately, there are no medications that target this specifically so it has to be therapy with a specialized trauma therapist.

Couples therapy won’t work except to move her towards seeking the trauma therapy. If you can get through to her that you deeply love her and she trusts you and the therapist enough, you might be able to get her into trauma treatment. Then I would say couples counseling was a success, but it won’t be a success in the classic way that we think of, helping the relationship to be better. It needs that missing ingredient.

As far as “man up,” I hope you don’t mean keep taking it like a man and pretend it doesn’t hurt. If you point out her defects and criticize her she wont hear you. But if you share your hurt feelings, you have a good chance of being heard because that it something she understands.

Why the rich, famous relapse

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press  February 12, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I can’t seem to get away from all the news about Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I certainly agree that we lost one of the greatest actors of our time. I did not know, but do now, that there is an epidemic of heroin use in our country.

What I really don’t understand, and I haven’t heard anyone explain, is how could he relapse and go back to using such a horrible drug when he had everything, including all kinds of people who loved him, a family, money and a great career. How could this happen?

I understood Michael Jackson because he was clearly unhappy. But Philip Seymour Hoffman, why and how could he do this?

Signed,

Sadly Puzzled

Dear Sadly Puzzled,

I can certainly understand your questions and bewilderment since you’re looking at it from the outside in. But there’s so much more to the story of drug abuse and addiction.

These questions are not surprising because chemical dependency is a very complex, multifaceted, bio-psychosocial disease that is incredibly insidious.

You see, addicts are addicted to the drug, whatever the drug of choice may be, and any reason to use it is as good as another. They may use, or so they tell themselves, because it’s been a bad day and they feel terrible or they may use (or drink) because it has been a great day and they want to celebrate.

No, there’s not a lot of rhyme or reason to it, not when it comes to addiction.

There’s an ancient Japanese proverb that says, “first the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the drink, then the drink takes the man.” Many people struggle to understand this middle part, when the drink is taking the drink or the drug is taking the drug. This is where it no longer makes sense to most people and even to the addicts themselves. But it is at this point that “why” is the most irrelevant question to ask, but we all still want to ask it. You see when the drug is taking the drug, the brain has become involved in a big way. Neurological pathways are stimulated and receptor sites are screaming, craving and the nervous system is rebounding; the drug has taken over the brain and the brain, not the person, is now in charge.

It is also true with the drink; alcohol is a drug too! It’s like the brain has been hijacked and it’s no longer under the control of the person who originally made the choice to use, no matter what the reason.

When they say addicts have a monkey on their back, believe it, they’re not kidding! When the drug or drink is taking the drug/drink, even the addicts scramble for reasons to explain it to themselves. We often refer to this as denial.

If someone is really full on into addiction, then asking what the psychological reasons are makes absolutely no sense. Again, the brain has been hijacked and it is no longer under their control.

So we wonder what makes someone vulnerable to start using something that can take him or her down this road? First off, most people don’t believe that they will end up in so much trouble. The reasons vary from physical pain to self-medicating of psychological/emotional problems to simply being social. You might think heroin does not sound like a social thing to do, but in some circles it can be.

Some are more fortunate than others; one can start as a social drinker but if they have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism or addiction, then they may be off and running. The one thing I can guarantee you is that no one plans to be an alcoholic or drug addict when they grow up! “It will never happen to me” are the famous last words of every addict.

In the case of this celebrity, we don’t really know whether he was happy or not. The one thing I can point out, as a psychologist and substance abuse specialist, is that he seemed like someone who was always “on.” Using again may have been his way to get time out or be “off duty.”

In his early recovery he mentioned how important being away in a quiet place where he could be himself and look at what he really needed and wanted to do was for him.

That was before he became really famous and was working almost 24/7. If he had another chance, I would wish for him, healthy time to himself, for himself.

Sadly, we will never know.

Married to a man with PTSD

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 5, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I recently remarried and I am hoping you can help me help my new husband. Years ago he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. He had counseling, but it doesn’t seem to have helped him. And something that I really do not understand is that his experience from the war is years ago; he is a Vietnam veteran!

About once a week he wakes up from some nightmare, screaming and tossing around with a crazed look in his eyes. It’s very frightening. I actually am worried for my own safety. In those few minutes I am not sure that he even knows that I am there.

I not only feel sorry for him, I worry for myself because it feels so dangerous at those times. I never realized this before we married and began living together, which is almost a year ago now. He also seems really isolated and seems to have pushed most of his friends away.

So I have three concerns: how to deal with my own fear, the effect on our marriage and his pain.

It really has become a problem for me and any suggestions you have would be most appreciated.

Signed,

Scared

Dear Scared,

This definitely sounds frightening. I would like to start with your specific problem and then move to the issue of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in general.

This has got to be really scary for you because it is new to you and apparently not something you really noticed or knew about during your courtship.

The good news is that he has not hurt you or mistaken you for an enemy for the year that you have been living together and while I cannot promise you anything, it looks like you are going to be safe and that it is a matter of managing your own fear and then, with any luck at all, getting him some treatment that is more appropriate for him and his condition.

Not all PTSD is alike; it does not always come from the same kind of thing as in war nor does it manifest itself in the same way for everyone.

He probably would tell you that the counseling he got was helpful to him and it probably was, but it just did not go far enough.

Your husband sounds as if he may disassociate, a condition where he splits off from himself and in a surreal way he is reliving the trauma just like you describe it.

This kind of experience requires a very specific type of help with a trauma specialist. These are licensed psychotherapists, but they have specialized training to help someone like your husband. Look for someone who is certified in EMDR and/or specializes in trauma and disassociation. Make sure that the therapist has the right credentials. Do not take their word for it, look it up or ask to see the licenses and certification.

PTSD from war is horrible. Can you even imagine being in a war zone, every day having to worry for your life and actually not only losing, but also seeing some of your friends die? I think it is really too much to even contemplate, but while war veterans are definitely traumatized, not all develop PTSD. For those that do, there are new and very effective treatments.

Also, war is not the only source of trauma to cause PTSD. Anyone who has experienced a life-threatening event, either to himself or herself or a loved one, is at risk. Physical and/or emotional trauma can cause it as well.

Adults who grew up as children of alcoholics or in homes with domestic violence are at high risk for developing it. Also survivors of sexual abuse, rape or incest will almost always have some aftermath in the form of PTSD.

Some of the more common symptoms of it are: hypervigilance, an exaggerated startle response and avoidance of people, places or things, even conversations that might be a reminder of the trauma, or extreme distress at anything that reminds him or her of the trauma; persistent exaggerated negative beliefs about themselves and others; feelings of estrangement or detachment from others (you mentioned this about your husband with his friends); reckless or self-destructive behavior; substance abuse, problems with concentration and sleep disturbance and an overall depressed mood.

Those who are fortunate have immediate debriefing and counseling and are less likely to develop PTSD. But while we now know to do this with school-aged children, for example counselors rush in after a school shooting, with most traumas, like war, there is no time for something like this. In the cases of childhood abuse, domestic violence or sexual abuse, often the victims are afraid to speak up or have no one to turn to. It is often years later that it comes to light when the victim finally feels safe.

Getting help is better late than never.

He Just Wants to Party All the Time

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 19, 2014

Dear Life Matters,

I am 27 years old and I’ve been married three years. I love my wife dearly, but I don’t know if I’m still in love with her? I find myself going out with my friends three to four times a week and I really need to do that — I need freedom. Of course, my wife is not happy at all.

She stays home most nights of the week and feels that we should be staying at home together and having dinner together almost every night, if not every night.

She didn’t used to be this way. When we were dating and early in our marriage, she was a lot of fun. We do not have children so I don’t know why we have to stay at home all the time, like an old married couple.

I am feeling like I want to run away. I simply cannot tell whether I am feeling smothered and tied down or have fallen out of love.

Signed,

Torn & Confused

Dear Torn,

I have no direct answer for you. This is something that only you can discover yourself, or the two of you can discover together.

However, I can say that a lot of couples getting married so early in life are having problems.

It did not used to be this way, but the times have changed dramatically. Information changes daily and choices and options for us all seem to change almost daily as well. Before one settles down into a marriage, it’s imperative that we have a very clear sense of who we are and what we want out of life. If we are pursuing a career, it can be a little more difficult to know this so early on.

In the U.S., half of all marriages end in divorce and many young people are ending up in divorce because they just are not ready for marriage yet.

We all have an internalized image of what a family should be. Along with that image comes role expectations. Each partner has a set of role expectations and an internalized image of what a good family looks like.

We have ideas and expectations of what a good spouse is and our partner has expectations too, but they may not be the same. You both have a set of expectations about what a good wife is or good husband is.

We often talk about what we want out of life, but rarely do people stop to think about and explore our role expectations before marriage. If it hasn’t become obvious by now, you have a real problem if your expectations don’t match up. Some expectations can be compromised, but they better be pretty close and, more importantly, you should know what they are before you sign that certificate.

Also, people are of different types. A test, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), can help determine your type and how best to get along with others. If you are extraverted and prefer spontaneity and your partner is introverted and prefers structure, you are going to have some compromising to do.

In your case, this sounds like it may be part of your problem and it really sounds like the two of you have very different role expectations.

Premarital counseling is a really good idea to prevent this sort of thing, but marital counseling can help too. You may not come out of it married, but you should come out of it with a clear understanding of the problems and therefore have a separation that is more amicable.

Unfortunately, most couples wait too long to get counseling and it often does not work, but having said that, it can and does work for a fair number of people.

The key to success is truly understanding your partner, without judgment, and learning how to interact in a healthy, non-destructive way. Lots of people think they communicate well and when things are good they probably do. But the real question is can you communicate in an empathetic way when there is conflict. Many couples cannot and they turn to sarcasm or avoidance, which makes matters worse. And when fighting, most couples are not fighting over the real issues.

We have to be able to trust our partners and in so much be vulnerable and honest with them. Without that, you are not likely to have a happy marriage and/ or you may get a divorce.

There are actually skills that you can learn on how to interact in a healthy, productive way. You really should try some counseling and learn about each other, your expectations and how to communicate better. Then you will know what to do.

So, you want to become a shrink?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on July 11, 2013.

www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,

I am wondering what it takes to become a psychologist.

My friends all tell me that I should be one. I am currently taking some psychology and sociology classes at Santa Monica College and I think I like them. But most of all, everyone says that I am a really good listener and I think they are right.

I grew up an only child from a divorced home and my mother and I were best friends. I was her confidant; she told me all her problems with men, money and work. I even helped her make decisions. I handled it all very well.

All of this has made me the go-to person for my friends and I am thinking I am a natural to be a psychologist. What do you think? I am being urged to pick a major so I should decide soon.

Thank you,

Maybe Psychologist

Dear Maybe,

It is certainly understandable that you think this might be a good fit. It is clearly a familiar and, I am assuming, comfortable role for you. But I am really glad that you wrote in with this question or what I am going to call a situation.

Becoming a psychologist requires a lot more than having friends and your mother come to you with their problems.

My first question to you is one you probably cannot answer just yet but you should definitely ask yourself and be thinking a lot about this. Is this “role” good for you?

It may have become a big part of your identity, I am guessing, because your relationship with your mother was so inverted. Questioning who you really are and what you actually want is an important place to start, not just for deciding on whether to become a psychologist, but for your own future wellness and happiness. If it is not right for you, you will end up feeling very burnt out sooner than not! And while you may have grown up quickly and developed some skills that most young people don’t yet have, you also do not sound like you had much of a childhood. You may need to give yourself some time off, some playtime, before you settle into adult responsibility again.

If you need help in getting to your own truth, consider a few therapy sessions to help you. A good therapist will have the right questions to help you know if this would be a good decision for you or not and to help you understand your own needs.

That actually brings us to another point, which is that being a psychologist, or another type of psychotherapist, is not just about listening. Being a really good listener is a critical start to helping patients but it is not an end in itself. You have to know what questions to ask and when to ask them. This timing can be critical. You also need to have the analytical skills to look at things in a number of different ways and then how to rule out non-essential issues and focus on the critical ones. You must be able to decide what the best treatment approach is for your patient or client.

So you see, it is not just about other people feeling good about talking to you. At this point, they may be coming to you because they sense that it is something you are open to. But as I already mentioned, this does not mean it is good for you. 

It may not be good for them either.

We tend to tell friends what they want to hear because we do not want them to get angry and/or we do not want to hurt their feelings. We often agree with them when deep down we really don’t. As a professional you cannot do this with the people you try to help.

The listening and being supportive is a nice thing to do for others, but if you were to become a psychotherapist, you would not be that friend, you would be a professional with a lot of responsibility and you would need to be comfortable with questioning and giving honest feedback.

Another thing to consider is how much you like the academic environment. You say that “you think” you like your classes. If you do not really love school, you might want to think twice because you need at least a master’s degree to be a professional therapist. That adds up to a minimum of six years. If you want to be a psychologist, you will need to earn a doctoral degree in psychology, which is anywhere from eight to 10 years.

Finally, career counselors have tests and skills to help you determine if this is the right path for you.

How to know if you are entering a good marriage

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 7, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

 

Dear Life Matters,

I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.

We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”

My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.

My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.

He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.

But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,

Help

  

Dear Help,

I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.

While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.

If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.

If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.

Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.

If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.

I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.

It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.

Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.

In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.

There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.

But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.

- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.A9vZFJ7d.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am feeling depressed, but I am really more confused than depressed. At the end of June, I suddenly called off my wedding. I know why, at least I think I do. I feel kind of crazy to have gotten so far along only to have abruptly called it off.
We are still together. He thinks that I just got cold feet and even though it has caused him great embarrassment, which he constantly makes a point of, he forgives me because he understands that I have certain “weaknesses.”
My friends and family think that I am nuts because he is so perfect in so many ways. He holds undergraduate and graduate degrees from Ivy League colleges, he is already successful and well on his way to great things. He is also quite handsome and from a very good and wealthy family.
My family is also well off and my father has been very successful. I am quite close to my father, but the truth is that I have problems with my mother, who is always pointing out my flaws and trying to change and perfect me. Actually, this is one of the reasons that I stopped the wedding. My fiancé reminds me of my mother.
He “loves” me, but I am never quite as good as I should be or as good as he is. He is really great in all the ways that I have said and that my friends and family say. I do love him; he has a very sweet side. But he is hard on himself and hard on me. It’s as if he is addicted to perfection.
But despite being hard on himself, he is also very vain. He is constantly bragging about himself and putting others down behind their backs. This is the side of him that I just hate. It really scares me. Yet he seems like that guy that most any woman would want and I really feel crazy, as in confused.

Signed,
Help

Dear Help,
I am really feeling you and understand your confusion. It is far better to stop and wait, trust your intuition and examine your fears before proceeding into such a big commitment.
While it may not seem so anymore, marriage is (meant to be) for a lifetime. If you break up the first year like many marriages do, you still will have spent lots of money unnecessarily and you will still experience the pain of a lost dream and feelings of embarrassment for having failed. And of course you will have to break up the household that you have set up, one of you will have to move and there will most likely be arguments over the wedding gifts.
If you continue in your marriage and then get pregnant, you will be together for the rest of your lives. And unless you get along well, your children will feel the effects of a bad marriage or divorce.
If you have big questions now you are right to step back and truly explore your concerns. Love is not enough! It can wear off quickly if you are not well suited for each other or if either one of you have problems with the others’ character.
Simplifying it, you should have the three Cs: 1) Common values and goals 2) Character 3) Communication.
If you do not have all three, you are most likely headed for trouble.
I always recommend pre-marital counseling, with a religious leader or therapist, for anyone who has questions. This can give you the opportunity to clarify whether you have the same goals and values and if you have the same or at least similar expectations about what your family will look like.
It can also help you have better communication. It is often said that communication is the secret to staying in love.
Finally, it is extremely important that you like and respect your partner’s character. Character is not something you can change later and if you don’t like it now, that flame that burns hot today will eventually flicker out.
In your case, you have already called the wedding off so it should be no surprise that you want to do some counseling to be sure. If he won’t go, that tells you a lot and I strongly advise you to go on your own.
There is not enough room or time here to go into what might be going on with him. However, I will say that he sounds deeply insecure. I realize it does not look like it, but anyone who constantly brags about himself or herself and puts others down is, in my view, someone who is trying to convince himself but probably does not know it. Underneath it all, there is serious insecurity.
But again, this is part of character and does not change on its own. If anything, it may get worse unless he is lucky enough to get some psychological help.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/column-how-to-know-if-you-are-entering-a-good-marriage/125455#sthash.5ay2SzKl.dpuf