Losing my daughter, marriage

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 27, 2013
www.smdp.com
  

Dear Life Matters,

I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!

And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!

I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.

This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!

What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?

Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,

Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

 

Dear Upset,

If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.

From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.

Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.

Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.

You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!

And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.

Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.

Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.

If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.

Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.

If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.

In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.

I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

 

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Dear Life Matters,
I am so upset with my husband because he will not stop enabling our daughter and her drug use! I have watched him deteriorate much like she has! I’m beginning to think he is sicker than she is!
And this is bad because she’s very sick with drug addiction. She’s been in and out of so many rehabs and seen countless therapists, but she always ends up right back where she started, on heavy drugs. My husband keeps giving her money, bailing her out of bad situations, including jail. He thinks he’s saving her!
I am really afraid she’s going to die; she’s using hard-core drugs and doing nothing else with her life. If this happens it will kill him, and I will blame him.
This has created great tension in our marriage and we no longer get along. He is so preoccupied with saving her that he has forgotten about our marriage. He just keeps insisting that he is saving her, and if he doesn’t help her he believes he will lose her. I think it’s the reverse. He’s making no sense and we can’t agree on anything anymore!
What can I do to save my daughter and maybe my marriage?
Please help. I am at a complete loss!

Signed,
Upset, scared and angry

Dear Upset,
If this will help you feel any better, please know that I have heard this exact same scenario over and over again, both in my practice and in classes I have taught.
From your description, it does sound like your husband is sick or becoming sick. He is obsessed, but actually for good reason. He loves your daughter and doesn’t want to see her die or end up in jail. However, his notions about what will actually help are completely distorted.
Many people in similar situations do all the wrong things, but for the right reasons. They simply cannot see the forest for the trees and are too scared to stop and really analyze what they are doing. They are running so scared that they often do not even think about seeking professional help from the right people, such as those who really understand addiction.
Your husband is an addict too. It is called a co-dependent. My definition of this is a “cooperative dependence on unhealthy behaviors in order to maintain a relationship.” This, of course, runs the gamut of situations, but in your case it is a serious, if not grave, situation.
You are correct that it is the wrong thing to be doing with your daughter. Your husband is only enabling the behavior that might lead to the thing he fears most!
And yes, this has caused great strain in many relationships and marriages. It often leads to the end of them.
Because you are asking for help, I am going to assume that you want to save, if possible, both your daughter and your marriage. My first thoughts are that you should see if your husband would accompany you to a therapist for marriage counseling. He must know that things are strained. If he agrees, make sure that the therapist is someone who is truly schooled and knowledgeable about chemical dependency and co-dependency.
Like your husband, some well-meaning therapists can do more harm than good if they do not fully understand the issue.
If he will go, this counseling should help him to begin to understand that his best intentions are causing more harm than good. It will not be easy for him, but if he also goes to Al-Anon, which the therapist should suggest, he will gradually begin to see.
Unfortunately, it is not an overnight success, but rather a process. Hopefully your husband sees the light before something horrible happens to your daughter. But at the very least his trying should help you to understand him and begin to both forgive him and feel closer to him.
If he won’t go to counseling with you, I would recommend you consult with a top interventionist. The intervention may have to start with your husband and then, all going well, move on to your daughter.
In the meantime, you should consider attending Al-Anon or similar groups for the family and friends of addicts. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as well. This is a serious and very disturbing situation that few people, if any, can truly handle by themselves.
I wish you the best of luck with this and if you need referrals, please feel free to contact my office.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let me help you with your life matters, because it does
- See more at: http://smdp.com/losing-my-daughter-marriage/124019#sthash.4rU8h88u.dpuf

Is a cheater always a cheater?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press under Life Matters on May 30, 2013
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our child. I did not and still do not understand why he did this. We separated but continue co-parenting and the love clearly seems to still be there. But how can I ever know that I can trust him again? He hurt me to the core. It was a knife to my heart and I still experience some of those feelings.
Can he ever truly change? Many of my friends say no and not to trust him.
Signed,
Lost in love

Dear Lost,
I am sorry that you were so hurt. No one should have to go through that pain. While still in love, you are struggling with trust, which is quite understandable. I think it is a somewhat prevailing view that once a cheater always a cheater. But I must say that it really depends on the person and the situation. Like anything, not everyone is the same no matter what has happened.
Some cheaters are perpetual cheaters; they are pathological liars who do not believe that the rules apply to them. Often they are unable to empathize with the pain that they cause others and therefore might be said to have narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies.
Sometimes cheating is truly situational and not at all perpetual. These people feel bad about what they have done even if they haven’t been caught and they are determined because of their own morals never to do it again.
Then there are those who think what you don’t know won’t hurt you. But that usually never works. Somehow, someway, we tend to know even when we don’t know what we know. This is called intuition or that sixth sense.
Some cheaters are truly alarmed by the pain they have caused and their empathy leads them to change.
The motives of a cheater are quite diverse and vast. Sometimes it is simply that they cannot keep their pants zipped or buttoned. These folks just might have a sexual addiction and need some help.
Then there is the “first child syndrome” where you go from being a romantic dyad to being a triad and in this triangle the baby cannot be negotiated. Very often new fathers feel left out and they are really hurt. They often start to resent their partner, but they usually find it difficult to admit to that because they don’t want to be that guy who is jealous of his child or does not want his child to have a good mother.
If the couple has not learned of this possibility before it happens and is not able to speak about it when it does, then more than likely you will have some acting out. This is not always in the form of cheating, but when you are really in need of some attention, this may be the way that you get it.
On a similar note, women married to very successful men who travel a lot or simply work long hours may find themselves in a similar situation. They resent the long hours, but do not want to complain because of the income. However, it is not unusual for them to become involved with their yoga instructor or trainer or anyone that they spend a lot of time with.
Another possibility is that if someone has experienced a great deal of painful loss they can be somewhat emotionally detached and feel extremely uncomfortable putting all their eggs in one basket. If they keep other relations going at the same time, they feel less vulnerable. This is called a “defensive structure” and to break it down and help someone reorganize their psychology, psychotherapy is needed — actually it is required. This is not a change that occurs naturally. It takes serious psychological work.
So, I would say try to evaluate which of these scenarios is the most applicable to your relationship and then decide if it would be prudent on your part to stay or go.
Also, I have a feeling that you might benefit from some counseling to help you work out some of your negative feelings. It really is not good for you to hang on to old injuries and you won’t be clear until you do let go.
Lastly, it is important to remember that relationships require work. We cannot assume that our partner will know what we are feeling or that it will work out if it’s meant to be. This kind of thinking is incorrect.
We are all human. It does not matter if you are a man or woman, anyone can cheat if his or her needs exceed or are not recognized in the relationship.

When is crazy really crazy?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 9, 2013
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
After all the news regarding the Boston Marathon bombing, I find myself wondering, when is crazy really crazy and when is it not? Are these brothers crazy? Are they sick or are they evil? What makes for these differences?
Thank you for anything you might add.

Signed,
Confused, Crazy or Evil?

Dear Confused,
An excellent question, truly a smart one and I say that because most people just have an opinion, emotionally based, never giving it any further thought.
The word “crazy” is used very loosely in our society and generally comes out of making a joke or having a fairly strong opinion about something that differs from your own.
In clinical or scientific forms, mental illness is a quantifiable concept based on the Bell Curve. If one falls underneath the bell of this curve, which accounts for a little more than two-thirds of us, then one is considered normal. If you are at either end, outside of the curve, or if you are an outlier, then you can be considered abnormal. Outliers are people falling way outside of the curve and in science there are usually only a few and they are eliminated from results in order to maintain the curve.
So what you have is a concept where anyone that is not of the norm might be called crazy.
A famous psychiatrist named Thomas Szasz originally challenged this concept. He felt strongly that people differ greatly based on their cultures, languages and therefore social norms vary a great deal and that it is wrong to judge somewhat as being crazy or ill because they are different from us. He criticized his own profession for labeling someone as having a mental disorder because they did not conform to the social norms of our society. He further argued that psychiatry has used it as a means of social control.
If you saw the movie “Shutter Island,” then you might understand Dr. Szasz’ argument. Fortunately we have come a long way since then; just 30 years ago people who did not like the behavior of an unruly teen or difficult relative could get them locked up in a hospital and medicated if they demonstrated odd behaviors and/or if the person had the money to influence a psychiatrist. This is now outlawed. As research evidence of genetic contributions to mental illnesses grows, and medicines truly help those people who suffer, the categorization becomes more justifiable and somewhat easier to make a distinction.
However, sometimes (what we call) mentally ill people are not suffering and they do not think anything is wrong with them.
So can definition simply be on the basis of someone else being different in his or her social norms or philosophical thinking? As we grow more diversified, both here at home and globally, there are clearly differences in standards, beliefs and behaviors and it might just be best for us to try to understand them versus judging them, even if we don’t agree or something seems odd to us.
Not only would this foster tolerance and integration instead of segregation and hatred, but also it might help us to get into the mindsets of others and stop some of the violent behavior like we just witnessed with the Boston bombings.
Many people are calling the Boston bombers “sick,” probably because what happened makes us feel sick. But so far there is no real evidence that they were mentally ill. They believe what they believe. Even with our definition of mental disorders, they would only qualify if we compare them to our thinking; they are not different from the thinking of the group to which they belong.
It is a personal opinion that any thinking that includes the harming or killing of others is wrong and most of us would agree. But is it mental illness or evil?
I would say that the Sandy Hook killing of young children or the Colorado shooting in the movie theater were a function of mental illness.
The Boston marathon bombing seems more like evil, yet you have some suggesting sociopathy, which seems to fit, but then the discussion turns to the brain differences on scans between sociopaths and normal and you start moving back toward the illness concept. I would venture to say that anyone that is so filled with hatred that they cannot empathize with a different perspective and that they believe they have a right to murder because of their view is in someway sick. But again, is it crazy sick or sick evil? An excellent question and I am obviously answering a question with a question but trying to understand this and understand each other might just help us all out.

Why won't you open your mouth?

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 18, 2013 under the Life Matters column.  

www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,

I cannot understand for the life of me, why some people just stop talking to their friends or relatives or disappear from their lives without an explanation.

This had happened to me twice and it has happened to others I know. It is extremely hurtful.

You don’t know what you have done, if anything. You don’t know if it is you or they that has the problem.

Why can’t or don’t some people just talk about things?

I would appreciate any explanations you might offer.

Signed,

Dumbfounded

Dear Dumbfounded,

This is an excellent question however there is not just one simple answer to give you.

There are a myriad of reasons that underlie this behavior.

You are absolutely correct it can be extremely hurtful. Sometimes it can feel like a murder, for lack of a better metaphor.

In some cases, it may be intended to punish and therefore hurt you.  If someone feels like they want to get even with you, this is certainly a very effective way of doing it. It is not only painful but leaves you feeling very helpless and confused. And clearly, it really is not at all fair.

Having said that, not all people who do this intend to do harm. In fact, many may not even realize that you are so hurt. 

There are many people who are afraid of confrontation and simply cannot bring themselves to talk about things that are a potential conflict.

Underneath this there is a fear of what conflict can bring and imagined injuries, emotional or otherwise. There also is often a fear of loss and of course this is ironic because they are creating the thing they fear most.  However, many of these people are very self-centered and do not think things through very well.  They are only thinking about how they feel. And believe it or not, they are often sorry later but then do not know how to turn it around.

There is also the element of false pride in that they cannot bring themselves to admit their own vulnerability, hurt feelings or wrongdoing once they have cut you off.

Some people who disappear on you may be hiding from themselves. What I mean by this is that they are guilty or feel shame about something they have done or are currently doing and cannot bring themselves to be open and honest with you.

Now on the other side of this is always the question of what your part might be.  Are you hurting people without knowing it? Are you someone who has a tendency to make others feel very important to you and while they might be, you cannot possibly fulfill their expectations or be that friend that they imagine you to be?  Or possibly you are not really paying attention to who these friends really are; what are they all about, how are they psychologically organized, what makes them tick.  If you don’t look at the whole picture and just tend to see what you want to see in others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you are a social friendly and popular type of person, you may enjoy the company of many and not realize that you cannot possibly be everyone’s best friend. If you are lucky you may have two or three really close friends, especially if you have a family. This is not to say you cannot have a number of great social friends but that is very different from the best friend category.

So as you might begin to see, there are many possibilities on both sides of the equation, things to take seriously and contemplate.

Generally speaking, communication is critical to relationships. It can be very hard at times but it truly is the secret of staying in love and maintaining really good and close long-term relationships.  If someone hurts your feelings or upsets you in someway, if you care about them and your relationship at all, you owe it to them to tell them.  This is due to the fact that resentment that is not discussed and resolved is the first, if not another, brick in the wall that is being built between you.

Relationships are bumpy at times but the honest ones tend to survive and get stronger if they were meant to be in the first place.

Do yourself a favor going forward and evaluate the communication you are able to have with someone before you get to far along. If it isn’t there, you are guaranteed to have these problems again and again.

Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage & family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at www.drbarge.com or send your anonymous questions to newshrink@gmail.com

Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does!

Criticism that cuts to the core

Originally published under Life Matters in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 4, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My fiancé is everything I would want in a man and most of the time we have a very pleasant relationship and a lot of fun together. I love him deeply most of the time and I think he loves me. He did ask me to marry him.
But I think he has a mean streak. He doesn’t have a temper, he has never been physically abusive with me and I don’t think he ever would be. So it’s nothing like that. But, sometimes he just cuts me to the core with his words. He can be so critical of me and it seems to come out of nowhere and for no good reason.
When he starts this, I do not want to be around him. And later when he wants to make love, I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He acts as if nothing is any different. I would estimate that this happens about 10 to 20 percent of the time.
I really need to understand what I can do and how to deal with this before I move forward with an actual marriage.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I am glad to hear that you enjoy a lot in common, have fun together and, for the most part, have a pleasant relationship. You should definitely capitalize on this.
However, what you write to me indicates that you have three problems, not just one.
First, you say that you think that your fiancé loves you, but it doesn’t sound like you are very certain. You definitely do not want to marry someone who doesn’t really love you. Yes, he asked you to marry him and hopefully you are correct in what it means, but since I don’t know any of the other circumstances, I recommend that you honestly ask yourself if there might be any other reason or motive. I know it is not so romantic but better to know now if there is something a little off then to come up against it down the road when you are already hooked in.
Your second problem is the one that you point to, which is his criticizing of you. What is this about? Really, he cuts to your core, but on the other hand says he loves you and wants to marry you?
There are a number of reasons he might be behaving this way. He may be angry with you about something and unable to express it in any other way. Perhaps he is angry with someone else or another situation and just takes it out on you. It may be that he is very self-critical and it is easier to project it onto you. Maybe he wants you to be different than you really are.
All of this is a problem and it does need to be nipped in the bud! If not, you will be living with it and the growing resentment that you already have, which is your third problem.
Nothing kills a relationship faster and more efficiently than resentment!
If there is anything specific that he tends to criticize you about, pay attention to what it is and what this may mean.
There is a very correct saying that goes “when you point your finger, remember that three are pointing back at you!”
This is to be taken seriously and might help you understand what is going on with him.
As for staying in the relationship or moving forward, you are correct to think twice. If this 20 percent causes you to feel so terrible and to want to remove yourself from him as you describe this is a serious problem that if not addressed will just get worse.
Marriages or serious relationships should be made up of love, respect and mutual admiration and trust. There should be equality and at some level you should be best friends.
I don’t know that there is any room for criticism in a love relationship. It just hurts and causes resentment. Perhaps I am just splitting hairs but they are important ones.
It is fine to tell our partners what we like or don’t like, to share our feelings when we are hurt or bothered by something, but it does not need to be in the form of criticism, i.e., putting the other down, sarcasm that hurts the other. This is not only poor communication but also causes unnecessary pain which breeds resentment that more often than not leads to the end of a relationship.
Lastly, you might want to consider pre-marital counseling. It just might save both of you from a lot of heartache. At the very least start talking to him about this and start soon.

Still seeking parents' affection

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on Feb. 21, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I have never felt my parents cared about me or loved me. They divorced when I was 4 years old. I’m an only child and I think I was a burden to them.
I got into a lot of trouble at school, which now I realize, thanks to seeing therapists, was acting out. But that did not make them love me. They just got mad at me.
I’m desperate to have them love me. I am so lonely. I can’t seem to make a relationship work and I blame them. I have been to countless therapists who all say the same thing, but none could fix my problem. I doubt that you can, but I wanted to know what you might say.
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unloved and lonely! This truly is a horrible way to live.
I see also that you are angry, not just at your parents but at therapists as well. I think the best place to start is with your notion that your problem can be “fixed.” I don’t think you want to hear what I am going to say, but it honestly would be in your best interest to be open minded and consider what I am about to tell you.
Parents are people first and parents second! We hate to think this because we want to believe that as soon as one becomes a parent it’s all that matters to them and the actual person (of the parent) takes a back seat! Not so! Sure there are definitely maternal and paternal instincts, but they do not necessarily prevail.
There are people who become parents but do not know how to show love or affection. They never received it so perhaps they think as long as they put a roof over your head, feed you and make sure you are relatively safe, they are doing their “jobs.” No fun feeling like a job.
Love is a noun and a verb. Some people have it in the noun form, but cannot make it happen as a verb.
I have had patients whose parents loved them in their minds and hearts, but were never able to express it. They never said “I love you,” never hugged their kids; they just did not understand that love is a verb too! I know this because of family sessions where this became quite clear. They did feel love, but could never truly show it, realizing this was a relief and help to the patient, but at the same time somewhat baffling.
Then there is the woman I am seeing now whose mother was a heroin addict and ultimately was murdered over a quarrel with her addict boyfriend. This patient rarely saw her mother. She lived with her on and off but was mostly left to live with her grandparents and/or an aunt and uncle.
Fortunately for her she had siblings and they cared about and protected each other to the extent that they could.
But did she feel loved? Absolutely not. She was a motherless child with a father unknown to this day. Did her mother love her? Who is to say? But clearly her personal interests and drug addiction made her put her children way in the back seat.
Then there are single mothers who have to work and care for their children on very little money and they are usually tired and overwhelmed. Unless they have extended family to help, their children probably don’t feel loved either. These are just a few of many circumstances that can steal the love that a child needs or is looking for.
And yes, unfortunately there are parents who shouldn’t have had children because they really never wanted to be bothered or simply could not love them. Sad but true!
Your parents may not have loved you. Perhaps they were wrapped up in their own pain and drama of their divorce, and you may have felt like a burden to them. Hard to hear but sometimes true.
Parents are people too, and they really are people first. Some of us are luckier than others when it comes to a parent’s love, availability, attention and true caring. But the big question is what do you do if you are one of the unlucky ones as you say you are?
No therapist in the world can change or fix this. But a therapist can help you face the truth, mourn your loss and then claim your own life. Claim it and start living it and give up the horrible dark hope that one day you will find a way to change them. This notion can truly ruin your life.
Sometimes it is best to give up the hope! Kill it off and move on with your own life, without hanging on to hopes of the past.

Sister always knows best

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 21st, 2013.
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
My sister and I grew up very close, being only a year apart in age and having a mother who died young. We never knew our dad and were raised by grandparents and an uncle. We shared so much and were and still are close, but somehow we have turned out so different. I married and had three children. I went to college and I own my home. My sister has children but never married, they have different fathers and she moves constantly. I am even unsure how she supports herself.
First of all, I cannot believe how different we turned out since we came from the same family circumstances and were so close and in agreement growing up. But my real problem is my nieces and nephew. My sister is not a very good mother, in my opinion. I love and worry about her children. I often find myself intervening on their behalf.
I have tried over and over again to show my sister a better way of doing things, and instead of being grateful, she seems annoyed and gets angry with me. I am only trying to help, to show her the best way for herself and her children. Perhaps I am not approaching it right. Can you help me find a way to get through to her?

Thanks,
Worried Sister

Dear Worried,
It is indeed very interesting how different we can be from our siblings.
We immediately think, just as you said, that we had the same experience, and same family, but actually this is not completely correct.
While it may be the same family, not everyone has the same experience within a family system. There can be subtle and not so subtle differences in the relationships within a family.
Having said that, even if it seems identical, we all experience things differently. While we humans have much in common, we are each unique in terms of feelings, physiological profiles and various states of mind and how we perceive things. I often hear this same comment or question, how could we be so different when we grew up in the same family?
So while you shared a lot with your sister growing up, and even seemed to agree, I assume, on how things were experienced or perhaps your opinions on what was going on, you should realize that under stressful experiences people can tend to agree even if they don’t (perhaps haven’t even had a chance to think it through) in service of being together and feeling the protection of togetherness.
You and your sister clearly took in your same or similar experiences in very different ways. You reacted completely differently. I cannot say why, only you and she might know.
But your bigger question has to do with why she doesn’t do things your way, clearly the best way, and why won’t she listen to your helpful advise?
Wow! I must ask you why you are so certain that your way is the way? I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever heard of “different strokes for different folks?” Her way just may not be your way, end of story! It seems it would be better for you to put your energy into accepting this.
You will not be able to change her unless she asks you for help and truly wants it. And even then, you won’t change her; you might help her change herself. It is best to not interfere, especially with someone else’s children, unless they ask you for help.
I started some time ago to avoid giving advice or even my opinion, unless I was asked. Telling people what they should do, how they should be is not only asking for trouble, it is a tad arrogant. And be careful because some people will go on and on about their troubles and it really may sound like they want your help but I think it is best to ask first, “would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” They may say yes because they feel they should after going on and on, so ask again, “are you sure?”
Often people just want us to listen. We may want to help and think that we can, but be sure the help is wanted or you will end up with some bad feelings between you.
I think the best way to help your sister is by example, never by preaching or scolding or pointing out the ills of her way. Be available to your nieces and nephews and let them know you care about them so that they know that they can turn to you, but do it without saying anything about their mother.
Good luck!