Originally published under Life Matters in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 4, 2013.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My fiancé is everything I would want in a man and most of the time we
have a very pleasant relationship and a lot of fun together. I love him
deeply most of the time and I think he loves me. He did ask me to marry
him.
But I think he has a mean streak. He doesn’t have a temper, he has
never been physically abusive with me and I don’t think he ever would
be. So it’s nothing like that. But, sometimes he just cuts me to the
core with his words. He can be so critical of me and it seems to come
out of nowhere and for no good reason.
When he starts this, I do not want to be around him. And later when
he wants to make love, I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He
acts as if nothing is any different. I would estimate that this happens
about 10 to 20 percent of the time.
I really need to understand what I can do and how to deal with this before I move forward with an actual marriage.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
I am glad to hear that you enjoy a lot in common, have fun together
and, for the most part, have a pleasant relationship. You should
definitely capitalize on this.
However, what you write to me indicates that you have three problems, not just one.
First, you say that you think that your fiancé loves you, but it
doesn’t sound like you are very certain. You definitely do not want to
marry someone who doesn’t really love you. Yes, he asked you to marry
him and hopefully you are correct in what it means, but since I don’t
know any of the other circumstances, I recommend that you honestly ask
yourself if there might be any other reason or motive. I know it is not
so romantic but better to know now if there is something a little off
then to come up against it down the road when you are already hooked in.
Your second problem is the one that you point to, which is his
criticizing of you. What is this about? Really, he cuts to your core,
but on the other hand says he loves you and wants to marry you?
There are a number of reasons he might be behaving this way. He may
be angry with you about something and unable to express it in any other
way. Perhaps he is angry with someone else or another situation and just
takes it out on you. It may be that he is very self-critical and it is
easier to project it onto you. Maybe he wants you to be different than
you really are.
All of this is a problem and it does need to be nipped in the bud! If
not, you will be living with it and the growing resentment that you
already have, which is your third problem.
Nothing kills a relationship faster and more efficiently than resentment!
If there is anything specific that he tends to criticize you about, pay attention to what it is and what this may mean.
There is a very correct saying that goes “when you point your finger, remember that three are pointing back at you!”
This is to be taken seriously and might help you understand what is going on with him.
As for staying in the relationship or moving forward, you are correct
to think twice. If this 20 percent causes you to feel so terrible and
to want to remove yourself from him as you describe this is a serious
problem that if not addressed will just get worse.
Marriages or serious relationships should be made up of love, respect
and mutual admiration and trust. There should be equality and at some
level you should be best friends.
I don’t know that there is any room for criticism in a love
relationship. It just hurts and causes resentment. Perhaps I am just
splitting hairs but they are important ones.
It is fine to tell our partners what we like or don’t like, to share
our feelings when we are hurt or bothered by something, but it does not
need to be in the form of criticism, i.e., putting the other down,
sarcasm that hurts the other. This is not only poor communication but
also causes unnecessary pain which breeds resentment that more often
than not leads to the end of a relationship.
Lastly, you might want to consider pre-marital counseling. It just
might save both of you from a lot of heartache. At the very least start
talking to him about this and start soon.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Still seeking parents' affection
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on Feb. 21, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I have never felt my parents cared about me or loved me. They divorced when I was 4 years old. I’m an only child and I think I was a burden to them.
I got into a lot of trouble at school, which now I realize, thanks to seeing therapists, was acting out. But that did not make them love me. They just got mad at me.
I’m desperate to have them love me. I am so lonely. I can’t seem to make a relationship work and I blame them. I have been to countless therapists who all say the same thing, but none could fix my problem. I doubt that you can, but I wanted to know what you might say.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unloved and lonely! This truly is a horrible way to live.
I see also that you are angry, not just at your parents but at therapists as well. I think the best place to start is with your notion that your problem can be “fixed.” I don’t think you want to hear what I am going to say, but it honestly would be in your best interest to be open minded and consider what I am about to tell you.
Parents are people first and parents second! We hate to think this because we want to believe that as soon as one becomes a parent it’s all that matters to them and the actual person (of the parent) takes a back seat! Not so! Sure there are definitely maternal and paternal instincts, but they do not necessarily prevail.
There are people who become parents but do not know how to show love or affection. They never received it so perhaps they think as long as they put a roof over your head, feed you and make sure you are relatively safe, they are doing their “jobs.” No fun feeling like a job.
Love is a noun and a verb. Some people have it in the noun form, but cannot make it happen as a verb.
I have had patients whose parents loved them in their minds and hearts, but were never able to express it. They never said “I love you,” never hugged their kids; they just did not understand that love is a verb too! I know this because of family sessions where this became quite clear. They did feel love, but could never truly show it, realizing this was a relief and help to the patient, but at the same time somewhat baffling.
Then there is the woman I am seeing now whose mother was a heroin addict and ultimately was murdered over a quarrel with her addict boyfriend. This patient rarely saw her mother. She lived with her on and off but was mostly left to live with her grandparents and/or an aunt and uncle.
Fortunately for her she had siblings and they cared about and protected each other to the extent that they could.
But did she feel loved? Absolutely not. She was a motherless child with a father unknown to this day. Did her mother love her? Who is to say? But clearly her personal interests and drug addiction made her put her children way in the back seat.
Then there are single mothers who have to work and care for their children on very little money and they are usually tired and overwhelmed. Unless they have extended family to help, their children probably don’t feel loved either. These are just a few of many circumstances that can steal the love that a child needs or is looking for.
And yes, unfortunately there are parents who shouldn’t have had children because they really never wanted to be bothered or simply could not love them. Sad but true!
Your parents may not have loved you. Perhaps they were wrapped up in their own pain and drama of their divorce, and you may have felt like a burden to them. Hard to hear but sometimes true.
Parents are people too, and they really are people first. Some of us are luckier than others when it comes to a parent’s love, availability, attention and true caring. But the big question is what do you do if you are one of the unlucky ones as you say you are?
No therapist in the world can change or fix this. But a therapist can help you face the truth, mourn your loss and then claim your own life. Claim it and start living it and give up the horrible dark hope that one day you will find a way to change them. This notion can truly ruin your life.
Sometimes it is best to give up the hope! Kill it off and move on with your own life, without hanging on to hopes of the past.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I have never felt my parents cared about me or loved me. They divorced when I was 4 years old. I’m an only child and I think I was a burden to them.
I got into a lot of trouble at school, which now I realize, thanks to seeing therapists, was acting out. But that did not make them love me. They just got mad at me.
I’m desperate to have them love me. I am so lonely. I can’t seem to make a relationship work and I blame them. I have been to countless therapists who all say the same thing, but none could fix my problem. I doubt that you can, but I wanted to know what you might say.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unloved and lonely! This truly is a horrible way to live.
I see also that you are angry, not just at your parents but at therapists as well. I think the best place to start is with your notion that your problem can be “fixed.” I don’t think you want to hear what I am going to say, but it honestly would be in your best interest to be open minded and consider what I am about to tell you.
Parents are people first and parents second! We hate to think this because we want to believe that as soon as one becomes a parent it’s all that matters to them and the actual person (of the parent) takes a back seat! Not so! Sure there are definitely maternal and paternal instincts, but they do not necessarily prevail.
There are people who become parents but do not know how to show love or affection. They never received it so perhaps they think as long as they put a roof over your head, feed you and make sure you are relatively safe, they are doing their “jobs.” No fun feeling like a job.
Love is a noun and a verb. Some people have it in the noun form, but cannot make it happen as a verb.
I have had patients whose parents loved them in their minds and hearts, but were never able to express it. They never said “I love you,” never hugged their kids; they just did not understand that love is a verb too! I know this because of family sessions where this became quite clear. They did feel love, but could never truly show it, realizing this was a relief and help to the patient, but at the same time somewhat baffling.
Then there is the woman I am seeing now whose mother was a heroin addict and ultimately was murdered over a quarrel with her addict boyfriend. This patient rarely saw her mother. She lived with her on and off but was mostly left to live with her grandparents and/or an aunt and uncle.
Fortunately for her she had siblings and they cared about and protected each other to the extent that they could.
But did she feel loved? Absolutely not. She was a motherless child with a father unknown to this day. Did her mother love her? Who is to say? But clearly her personal interests and drug addiction made her put her children way in the back seat.
Then there are single mothers who have to work and care for their children on very little money and they are usually tired and overwhelmed. Unless they have extended family to help, their children probably don’t feel loved either. These are just a few of many circumstances that can steal the love that a child needs or is looking for.
And yes, unfortunately there are parents who shouldn’t have had children because they really never wanted to be bothered or simply could not love them. Sad but true!
Your parents may not have loved you. Perhaps they were wrapped up in their own pain and drama of their divorce, and you may have felt like a burden to them. Hard to hear but sometimes true.
Parents are people too, and they really are people first. Some of us are luckier than others when it comes to a parent’s love, availability, attention and true caring. But the big question is what do you do if you are one of the unlucky ones as you say you are?
No therapist in the world can change or fix this. But a therapist can help you face the truth, mourn your loss and then claim your own life. Claim it and start living it and give up the horrible dark hope that one day you will find a way to change them. This notion can truly ruin your life.
Sometimes it is best to give up the hope! Kill it off and move on with your own life, without hanging on to hopes of the past.
Sister always knows best
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on March 21st, 2013.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My sister and I grew up very close, being only a year apart in age and having a mother who died young. We never knew our dad and were raised by grandparents and an uncle. We shared so much and were and still are close, but somehow we have turned out so different. I married and had three children. I went to college and I own my home. My sister has children but never married, they have different fathers and she moves constantly. I am even unsure how she supports herself.
First of all, I cannot believe how different we turned out since we came from the same family circumstances and were so close and in agreement growing up. But my real problem is my nieces and nephew. My sister is not a very good mother, in my opinion. I love and worry about her children. I often find myself intervening on their behalf.
I have tried over and over again to show my sister a better way of doing things, and instead of being grateful, she seems annoyed and gets angry with me. I am only trying to help, to show her the best way for herself and her children. Perhaps I am not approaching it right. Can you help me find a way to get through to her?
Thanks,
Worried Sister
Dear Worried,
It is indeed very interesting how different we can be from our siblings.
We immediately think, just as you said, that we had the same experience, and same family, but actually this is not completely correct.
While it may be the same family, not everyone has the same experience within a family system. There can be subtle and not so subtle differences in the relationships within a family.
Having said that, even if it seems identical, we all experience things differently. While we humans have much in common, we are each unique in terms of feelings, physiological profiles and various states of mind and how we perceive things. I often hear this same comment or question, how could we be so different when we grew up in the same family?
So while you shared a lot with your sister growing up, and even seemed to agree, I assume, on how things were experienced or perhaps your opinions on what was going on, you should realize that under stressful experiences people can tend to agree even if they don’t (perhaps haven’t even had a chance to think it through) in service of being together and feeling the protection of togetherness.
You and your sister clearly took in your same or similar experiences in very different ways. You reacted completely differently. I cannot say why, only you and she might know.
But your bigger question has to do with why she doesn’t do things your way, clearly the best way, and why won’t she listen to your helpful advise?
Wow! I must ask you why you are so certain that your way is the way? I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever heard of “different strokes for different folks?” Her way just may not be your way, end of story! It seems it would be better for you to put your energy into accepting this.
You will not be able to change her unless she asks you for help and truly wants it. And even then, you won’t change her; you might help her change herself. It is best to not interfere, especially with someone else’s children, unless they ask you for help.
I started some time ago to avoid giving advice or even my opinion, unless I was asked. Telling people what they should do, how they should be is not only asking for trouble, it is a tad arrogant. And be careful because some people will go on and on about their troubles and it really may sound like they want your help but I think it is best to ask first, “would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” They may say yes because they feel they should after going on and on, so ask again, “are you sure?”
Often people just want us to listen. We may want to help and think that we can, but be sure the help is wanted or you will end up with some bad feelings between you.
I think the best way to help your sister is by example, never by preaching or scolding or pointing out the ills of her way. Be available to your nieces and nephews and let them know you care about them so that they know that they can turn to you, but do it without saying anything about their mother.
Good luck!
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My sister and I grew up very close, being only a year apart in age and having a mother who died young. We never knew our dad and were raised by grandparents and an uncle. We shared so much and were and still are close, but somehow we have turned out so different. I married and had three children. I went to college and I own my home. My sister has children but never married, they have different fathers and she moves constantly. I am even unsure how she supports herself.
First of all, I cannot believe how different we turned out since we came from the same family circumstances and were so close and in agreement growing up. But my real problem is my nieces and nephew. My sister is not a very good mother, in my opinion. I love and worry about her children. I often find myself intervening on their behalf.
I have tried over and over again to show my sister a better way of doing things, and instead of being grateful, she seems annoyed and gets angry with me. I am only trying to help, to show her the best way for herself and her children. Perhaps I am not approaching it right. Can you help me find a way to get through to her?
Thanks,
Worried Sister
Dear Worried,
It is indeed very interesting how different we can be from our siblings.
We immediately think, just as you said, that we had the same experience, and same family, but actually this is not completely correct.
While it may be the same family, not everyone has the same experience within a family system. There can be subtle and not so subtle differences in the relationships within a family.
Having said that, even if it seems identical, we all experience things differently. While we humans have much in common, we are each unique in terms of feelings, physiological profiles and various states of mind and how we perceive things. I often hear this same comment or question, how could we be so different when we grew up in the same family?
So while you shared a lot with your sister growing up, and even seemed to agree, I assume, on how things were experienced or perhaps your opinions on what was going on, you should realize that under stressful experiences people can tend to agree even if they don’t (perhaps haven’t even had a chance to think it through) in service of being together and feeling the protection of togetherness.
You and your sister clearly took in your same or similar experiences in very different ways. You reacted completely differently. I cannot say why, only you and she might know.
But your bigger question has to do with why she doesn’t do things your way, clearly the best way, and why won’t she listen to your helpful advise?
Wow! I must ask you why you are so certain that your way is the way? I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever heard of “different strokes for different folks?” Her way just may not be your way, end of story! It seems it would be better for you to put your energy into accepting this.
You will not be able to change her unless she asks you for help and truly wants it. And even then, you won’t change her; you might help her change herself. It is best to not interfere, especially with someone else’s children, unless they ask you for help.
I started some time ago to avoid giving advice or even my opinion, unless I was asked. Telling people what they should do, how they should be is not only asking for trouble, it is a tad arrogant. And be careful because some people will go on and on about their troubles and it really may sound like they want your help but I think it is best to ask first, “would you like to hear my thoughts about this?” They may say yes because they feel they should after going on and on, so ask again, “are you sure?”
Often people just want us to listen. We may want to help and think that we can, but be sure the help is wanted or you will end up with some bad feelings between you.
I think the best way to help your sister is by example, never by preaching or scolding or pointing out the ills of her way. Be available to your nieces and nephews and let them know you care about them so that they know that they can turn to you, but do it without saying anything about their mother.
Good luck!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Parents estranged from their children
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on February 7, 2013
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was once a happy family of four, but now I am alone. I had two sons, now I have only one and he won’t speak to me. We are completely estranged and I am at a loss as to what I can do.
My youngest son died years ago from a drug overdose. About a year later my wife, his mother, came down with breast cancer. She never really recovered from the loss of our son and just did not seem to want to fight the cancer. There are many breast cancer survivors but she is not one of them. She lasted about three years before she died.
My oldest son was completely devastated by all of this and has somehow decided it is my fault and has quit speaking to me. He has not returned my calls or spoken to me since the funeral two years ago.
I am heartbroken, but he believes I am cold and that I don’t care. He won’t give me a chance to work it out. He says I was never there for any of them so why should he be there for me now.
It is true that I worked a lot and still do, but besides liking my work and being good at it, I always thought I was working hard to make good money to provide a nice life for my family. I never felt like I was being selfish. I am at a complete loss.
Signed,
Heart Broken
Dear Heart Broken,
Your story does indeed sound like a sad one, if not tragic. I have been a therapist for years now and still find it amazing how so much can happen to one family. It is almost like a snowball effect.
I do want to tell you that you are not alone. There are many estranged families, many children that do not speak to their parents. You might find some solace from a web site called http://www.estrangedstories.com.
I don’t really know why your son doesn’t speak to you except to say that often when there is severe emotional pain people will look for someone to blame. It feels far easier to be angry than sad. Albeit not healthy for him, your son may be using anger to hold himself together. He may feel that if he were to be close to you now that the floodgates would open and he would be in a puddle of sadness, perhaps forever. This might all be subconscious with him. Did you ever have time with him during all the loss to know whether he grieved or not? Was he angry with you before this all happened? Were you ever truly close?
Sometimes these relationships can be repaired, but it does take the two of you. You might want to start by reaching out to him in small ways just to let him know you are thinking about him, care about him and miss him. Try not to ask for anything in return from him and don’t get too upset if you don’t get the response you want at first.
We all can get our feelings hurt and all too often we let our egos get in the way. If you really want to get your son back or start a new relationship with him you cannot let this happen. You have to be the bigger one, be strong and come from a truly loving place. If he cares at all he will feel this and may eventually be willing to see you or speak with you some.
I certainly would recommend that the two of you get some counseling together if you can break the ice with him in the way that I have suggested. If you never had much of a relationship there may be little to touch inside of him and this may not work. If you were ever close, appeal to him in a heart-to-heart way, but do it slowly and carefully, just a step at a time.
In the unfortunate event that you get no response at all, you should find yourself a support group with others who have similar problems. You might also want to seek counseling to work out some of your own feelings and questions. And while this should not be the reason for your own counseling, if it creates changes in you for the better it might be what he needs to come back to you.
I wish you all the best. I know that nothing feels worse than the loss of children and the horrible breakup, destruction of a family like this.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or send your inquires and replies to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does!
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I was once a happy family of four, but now I am alone. I had two sons, now I have only one and he won’t speak to me. We are completely estranged and I am at a loss as to what I can do.
My youngest son died years ago from a drug overdose. About a year later my wife, his mother, came down with breast cancer. She never really recovered from the loss of our son and just did not seem to want to fight the cancer. There are many breast cancer survivors but she is not one of them. She lasted about three years before she died.
My oldest son was completely devastated by all of this and has somehow decided it is my fault and has quit speaking to me. He has not returned my calls or spoken to me since the funeral two years ago.
I am heartbroken, but he believes I am cold and that I don’t care. He won’t give me a chance to work it out. He says I was never there for any of them so why should he be there for me now.
It is true that I worked a lot and still do, but besides liking my work and being good at it, I always thought I was working hard to make good money to provide a nice life for my family. I never felt like I was being selfish. I am at a complete loss.
Signed,
Heart Broken
Dear Heart Broken,
Your story does indeed sound like a sad one, if not tragic. I have been a therapist for years now and still find it amazing how so much can happen to one family. It is almost like a snowball effect.
I do want to tell you that you are not alone. There are many estranged families, many children that do not speak to their parents. You might find some solace from a web site called http://www.estrangedstories.com.
I don’t really know why your son doesn’t speak to you except to say that often when there is severe emotional pain people will look for someone to blame. It feels far easier to be angry than sad. Albeit not healthy for him, your son may be using anger to hold himself together. He may feel that if he were to be close to you now that the floodgates would open and he would be in a puddle of sadness, perhaps forever. This might all be subconscious with him. Did you ever have time with him during all the loss to know whether he grieved or not? Was he angry with you before this all happened? Were you ever truly close?
Sometimes these relationships can be repaired, but it does take the two of you. You might want to start by reaching out to him in small ways just to let him know you are thinking about him, care about him and miss him. Try not to ask for anything in return from him and don’t get too upset if you don’t get the response you want at first.
We all can get our feelings hurt and all too often we let our egos get in the way. If you really want to get your son back or start a new relationship with him you cannot let this happen. You have to be the bigger one, be strong and come from a truly loving place. If he cares at all he will feel this and may eventually be willing to see you or speak with you some.
I certainly would recommend that the two of you get some counseling together if you can break the ice with him in the way that I have suggested. If you never had much of a relationship there may be little to touch inside of him and this may not work. If you were ever close, appeal to him in a heart-to-heart way, but do it slowly and carefully, just a step at a time.
In the unfortunate event that you get no response at all, you should find yourself a support group with others who have similar problems. You might also want to seek counseling to work out some of your own feelings and questions. And while this should not be the reason for your own counseling, if it creates changes in you for the better it might be what he needs to come back to you.
I wish you all the best. I know that nothing feels worse than the loss of children and the horrible breakup, destruction of a family like this.
Good luck!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed family therapist with offices in Brentwood. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or send your inquires and replies to newshrink@gmail.com. Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does!
Monday, January 21, 2013
When to see a psychologist
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on January 17, 2013
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My husband thinks that I need to see a therapist. He says it is a new year already and I have had the same problem for the past three, and every year say I am going to take care of it, but I haven’t. It’s pretty personal so I would prefer to open up to some close friends, but I am wondering if that is the best choice. He really thinks I should see a professional who doesn’t know me. Why couldn’t my friends help?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Friends are very important and are critical in terms of social support, but they cannot replace a professional. I don’t know what the problem is so I can’t say for sure what you should do, but there are some things you should know.
There are three things that are guaranteed with your psychotherapist that cannot be promised with a friend. The first is confidentiality; this is your legal and ethical right with a licensed psychotherapist. Friends sometimes gossip.
The second is the education and experience of the therapist; this brings a knowledge base that most friends will not have. A minimum education for a master’s level therapist is six years of university and 3,000 hours of supervised experience before they can take their boards to practice on their own.
Psychologists with a doctor of psychology have at least seven years of education and the same number of supervised clinical hours before taking the boards. Ph.D. psychologists often have 10 to 11 years of university and again, the same number of hours before being able to take boards. Psychiatrists have gone to medical school before doing a residency in psychiatry, which is another three years.
Your friends know you as they see you through their own eyes and have life experience, but even well educated friends who are not studied in this field really do not have the same objectivity and ability to spot problems the way that a therapist can.
Another reason to have a therapist over a friend, and this is really important, is that your therapist will not have an agenda for you, friends do. An example would be that a therapist does not care if you marry someone, get a divorce, change jobs, or move; they are only interested in what leads to your happiness. Friends and family often want you to do something that (subconsciously) benefits them but may not be best for you.
So if you have emotional or relationship problems, or perhaps just some important decisions that you are finding difficult to make, a therapist can provide you with confidential, educated help that is not biased because their only desire is to help you make your best choices and to be happy and healthy. This simply is not something that you can expect from a friend. Even the best of friends are unlikely to have all of these ingredients, so to speak.
The short answer is something only you really know, but here are some guidelines for when deciding to see a therapist:
• Is there something you have wanted and tried to change for awhile now but to no avail? This might be anything from dieting, quitting smoking or another bad habit, dealing with a relationship problem or deciding about making changes in your career.
• Are you depressed a fair amount of the time and either do not know why or you think you do know why but it doesn’t change anything?
• Have your loved ones or friends been concerned about you or perhaps been angry and upset with you for things you have said or done, or for something that you do not truly understand?
• Do you feel frightened or anxious more days than not and either do not know why or cannot seem to change it, even if you know the reason?
A good therapist will have the right questions that will guide your discussions in a way that you will begin to find your own answers.
Therapy is not always easy, but it does lead to relief and feeling better about yourself and your life, if it’s done well and you and your therapist both work together.
I say make 2013 a good year, a year you finally take on that problem and work your way toward freedom from it. Find a therapist, pick carefully and give it a chance: I recommend at least six sessions. If you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere, change therapists or try something else. I do not mean that all will be done in six sessions, it will just give you a sense of whether you can work with this therapist and if the discussions make sense to you. If you feel like you are on the right tract, stick with it.
Good luck and happy new year!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood, Calif. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail anonymous questions and replies to newshrink@gmail.com Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My husband thinks that I need to see a therapist. He says it is a new year already and I have had the same problem for the past three, and every year say I am going to take care of it, but I haven’t. It’s pretty personal so I would prefer to open up to some close friends, but I am wondering if that is the best choice. He really thinks I should see a professional who doesn’t know me. Why couldn’t my friends help?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Friends are very important and are critical in terms of social support, but they cannot replace a professional. I don’t know what the problem is so I can’t say for sure what you should do, but there are some things you should know.
There are three things that are guaranteed with your psychotherapist that cannot be promised with a friend. The first is confidentiality; this is your legal and ethical right with a licensed psychotherapist. Friends sometimes gossip.
The second is the education and experience of the therapist; this brings a knowledge base that most friends will not have. A minimum education for a master’s level therapist is six years of university and 3,000 hours of supervised experience before they can take their boards to practice on their own.
Psychologists with a doctor of psychology have at least seven years of education and the same number of supervised clinical hours before taking the boards. Ph.D. psychologists often have 10 to 11 years of university and again, the same number of hours before being able to take boards. Psychiatrists have gone to medical school before doing a residency in psychiatry, which is another three years.
Your friends know you as they see you through their own eyes and have life experience, but even well educated friends who are not studied in this field really do not have the same objectivity and ability to spot problems the way that a therapist can.
Another reason to have a therapist over a friend, and this is really important, is that your therapist will not have an agenda for you, friends do. An example would be that a therapist does not care if you marry someone, get a divorce, change jobs, or move; they are only interested in what leads to your happiness. Friends and family often want you to do something that (subconsciously) benefits them but may not be best for you.
So if you have emotional or relationship problems, or perhaps just some important decisions that you are finding difficult to make, a therapist can provide you with confidential, educated help that is not biased because their only desire is to help you make your best choices and to be happy and healthy. This simply is not something that you can expect from a friend. Even the best of friends are unlikely to have all of these ingredients, so to speak.
The short answer is something only you really know, but here are some guidelines for when deciding to see a therapist:
• Is there something you have wanted and tried to change for awhile now but to no avail? This might be anything from dieting, quitting smoking or another bad habit, dealing with a relationship problem or deciding about making changes in your career.
• Are you depressed a fair amount of the time and either do not know why or you think you do know why but it doesn’t change anything?
• Have your loved ones or friends been concerned about you or perhaps been angry and upset with you for things you have said or done, or for something that you do not truly understand?
• Do you feel frightened or anxious more days than not and either do not know why or cannot seem to change it, even if you know the reason?
A good therapist will have the right questions that will guide your discussions in a way that you will begin to find your own answers.
Therapy is not always easy, but it does lead to relief and feeling better about yourself and your life, if it’s done well and you and your therapist both work together.
I say make 2013 a good year, a year you finally take on that problem and work your way toward freedom from it. Find a therapist, pick carefully and give it a chance: I recommend at least six sessions. If you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere, change therapists or try something else. I do not mean that all will be done in six sessions, it will just give you a sense of whether you can work with this therapist and if the discussions make sense to you. If you feel like you are on the right tract, stick with it.
Good luck and happy new year!
Dr. JoAnne Barge is a licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Brentwood, Calif. Visit her at http://www.drbarge.com or e-mail anonymous questions and replies to newshrink@gmail.com Got something on your mind? Let us help you with your life matters, because it does
Monday, December 17, 2012
Lack of work causing problems at home
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press under the Life Matters Column on December 13, 2012.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My wife works six days a week and I only work one or two. I’m trying to find a more steady gig, but in this economy I can’t seem to get work. This has put a strain on our relationship.
What should I do to make our relationship better? I don’t want her to be so angry with me? There is real tension in our relationship and things seem to be souring fast.
Signed,
Under-employed
Dear Under-employed,
It is no secret that employment can be difficult to come by for many people in this terrible economy. California has been particularly hard hit, but the good news is that the economy does seem to be improving. In the meantime there are all kinds of variations on this theme amongst couples.
Traditionally it has been the man that works more outside of the home and the wife who works less or stays at home to raise the children. This has been changing for some time and most couples find that two incomes are required and these days often the wife works more or is the only one working.
However, this really is not news so I am wondering why she is so angry with you?
Does she feel that you have not tried hard enough to get work and if so, is she correct? Do you have children and if so, who does the majority of the childcare and household chores?
If you are one of those men who feels like it is not manly, somehow a threat to your manhood to do what has typically been “women’s work,” this could be a major problem.
As we end 2012 and enter 2013, it is quite realistic to think of househusbands and/or men helping with the grocery shopping, household chores and work that is related to the children. Cooking dinner, or being responsible for it, if she is the one working three times as much as you, is definitely something you should be doing or considering. Doing the grocery shopping on those days when you don’t work and helping with bathing the children, getting them to bed, driving them to school, helping with their homework are all things that men tend to share and do these days.
In the eyes of most women, it makes you more of a man, not less of one when you step up to help out and are not locked into some traditional role that says you are not masculine if you do what you think of as women’s work. It is the insecurity in a man of his own masculinity/manhood that actually makes him less of a man and often unattractive to today’s modern woman.
Having said this, it may be truer here than in other parts of the country because there are surprising differences in how people think and feel in different parts of our country.
I am assuming you are in Los Angeles and what I am saying here is certainly true for most folks both here and in other major metropolitan cities across the country. However, if you are from another part of the country or both you and your wife are from different backgrounds and have different expectations about your marital roles, then this is surely part of the problem.
Again, I am very curious about why she is so angry with you. It cannot be for no good reason. You must have very different expectations and it sounds like you are not able to really talk these through.
Many couples these days find themselves in financial and employment situations that are not ideal, but they are able to recognize the economic climate and because they love each other and talk it through, they come to some type of understanding that serves them for the time being.
You really need to ask yourself why she is so angry with you. What can or should you be doing differently? Are you trying hard enough to get work? Do you care that she works more than you do? If you care and can’t get equal work, are you doing enough to help with work around the house?
Are you doing what you can to be empathic and helpful to your wife or are you in some kind of standoff or power struggle?
Don’t let pride get in your way. If you truly want to have your wife be less angry, try to understand what is going on and talk with her. Apologize if you need to and ask her what you can do to help things be better between you.
And I certainly wish you more work, if you want it. Hopefully better days are ahead for all of us.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My wife works six days a week and I only work one or two. I’m trying to find a more steady gig, but in this economy I can’t seem to get work. This has put a strain on our relationship.
What should I do to make our relationship better? I don’t want her to be so angry with me? There is real tension in our relationship and things seem to be souring fast.
Signed,
Under-employed
Dear Under-employed,
It is no secret that employment can be difficult to come by for many people in this terrible economy. California has been particularly hard hit, but the good news is that the economy does seem to be improving. In the meantime there are all kinds of variations on this theme amongst couples.
Traditionally it has been the man that works more outside of the home and the wife who works less or stays at home to raise the children. This has been changing for some time and most couples find that two incomes are required and these days often the wife works more or is the only one working.
However, this really is not news so I am wondering why she is so angry with you?
Does she feel that you have not tried hard enough to get work and if so, is she correct? Do you have children and if so, who does the majority of the childcare and household chores?
If you are one of those men who feels like it is not manly, somehow a threat to your manhood to do what has typically been “women’s work,” this could be a major problem.
As we end 2012 and enter 2013, it is quite realistic to think of househusbands and/or men helping with the grocery shopping, household chores and work that is related to the children. Cooking dinner, or being responsible for it, if she is the one working three times as much as you, is definitely something you should be doing or considering. Doing the grocery shopping on those days when you don’t work and helping with bathing the children, getting them to bed, driving them to school, helping with their homework are all things that men tend to share and do these days.
In the eyes of most women, it makes you more of a man, not less of one when you step up to help out and are not locked into some traditional role that says you are not masculine if you do what you think of as women’s work. It is the insecurity in a man of his own masculinity/manhood that actually makes him less of a man and often unattractive to today’s modern woman.
Having said this, it may be truer here than in other parts of the country because there are surprising differences in how people think and feel in different parts of our country.
I am assuming you are in Los Angeles and what I am saying here is certainly true for most folks both here and in other major metropolitan cities across the country. However, if you are from another part of the country or both you and your wife are from different backgrounds and have different expectations about your marital roles, then this is surely part of the problem.
Again, I am very curious about why she is so angry with you. It cannot be for no good reason. You must have very different expectations and it sounds like you are not able to really talk these through.
Many couples these days find themselves in financial and employment situations that are not ideal, but they are able to recognize the economic climate and because they love each other and talk it through, they come to some type of understanding that serves them for the time being.
You really need to ask yourself why she is so angry with you. What can or should you be doing differently? Are you trying hard enough to get work? Do you care that she works more than you do? If you care and can’t get equal work, are you doing enough to help with work around the house?
Are you doing what you can to be empathic and helpful to your wife or are you in some kind of standoff or power struggle?
Don’t let pride get in your way. If you truly want to have your wife be less angry, try to understand what is going on and talk with her. Apologize if you need to and ask her what you can do to help things be better between you.
And I certainly wish you more work, if you want it. Hopefully better days are ahead for all of us.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Fiancée not 420 friendly
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 29, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend, who I have actually asked to marry me. I want to spend my life with her but she is adamant that I no longer smoke pot or she will not marry me. I guess our engagement is on hold.
I need pot for stress and back pain. I do not feel I should just give in and allow her to control me and I really feel I need to have my pot, at least occasionally. But I do not want to lose her either.
Please help with any suggestions you may have. I am really in a contrary position.
Signed,
Contrary
Dear Contrary,
I have to say what I will probably end up repeating, and that is healthy and happy relationships require “room for two!” If you are truly in love with each other you will have to come to some sort of compromise. Being able to understand the other and reasons that they may feel the way that they do is critical to a good relationship or marriage.
Empathy and aggression, or in this case anger (aggressive feelings), are inversely related. As one goes up the other goes down. Let me be clear though, that empathy is not sympathy. Many people think that it is one and the same. It often leads to sympathy and compassion, but it is not one in the same. Empathy is the ability to be truly attuned to the other, to vicariously share in their subjective experience. In other words, you need to really be able to put yourself in each other’s shoes.
So before you dig your heels in, try to find out and understand why she is feeling the way that she is. Also, maybe you need to think about why pot is so important to you or is it just that you don’t want to be told what to do?
In terms of pot, there truly are other ways to get stress release and also to manage back pain. Is this really the issue or do you just like getting high?
Strive to be honest with yourself and then try talking with your girlfriend.
Also, it sounds like you may smoke frequently if not daily.
To put it in perspective and to understand some possible reasons she may feel the way that she does, please understand that pot does put you in a different state of consciousness and if she does not smoke as well, then she may not feel the same connection with you that she would like to feel. That is actually a compliment to you.
Smoking pot is also a carcinogen; perhaps she does not want you to get cancer.
Also, if you have children, the secondhand smoke can and would affect them.
Finally, she may see something that pot is doing to you that you cannot see in yourself.
Now, on the other hand, I would guess you have been together for awhile if you have asked her to marry you. Isn’t this something she has known about you or did she just discover it?
If she has known all along then I would wonder about her co-dependency and whether she has had an agenda to change you.
Obviously, you do need to talk about this dilemma you are having.
I am a big believer in premarital counseling, which can be obtained with just the two of you, or in a group setting with other couples considering marriage.
It really does help you to be clear about each others’ expectations and fantasies about what the marriage will be.
Marriage can be difficult and we have seen many deciding not to marry and of those who do, about half end in divorce.
It really sounds like you need this kind of help and I hope she would agree to it, before you get married.
If you give up smoking pot just because she demands it, you will probably resent her. Not a good place to start in a marriage.
As I said in the beginning, there needs to be room for two. There has to be room for both of you and communication and compromise is critical.
It really sounds like you are at a standoff and that is not indicative of love.
I would recommend that you have her read this or that you go to her and tell her that you love her and want to work this out but probably need a little help to do it.
The help is confidential, supportive and kind. Hopefully, you can resolve this. Good luck!
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend, who I have actually asked to marry me. I want to spend my life with her but she is adamant that I no longer smoke pot or she will not marry me. I guess our engagement is on hold.
I need pot for stress and back pain. I do not feel I should just give in and allow her to control me and I really feel I need to have my pot, at least occasionally. But I do not want to lose her either.
Please help with any suggestions you may have. I am really in a contrary position.
Signed,
Contrary
Dear Contrary,
I have to say what I will probably end up repeating, and that is healthy and happy relationships require “room for two!” If you are truly in love with each other you will have to come to some sort of compromise. Being able to understand the other and reasons that they may feel the way that they do is critical to a good relationship or marriage.
Empathy and aggression, or in this case anger (aggressive feelings), are inversely related. As one goes up the other goes down. Let me be clear though, that empathy is not sympathy. Many people think that it is one and the same. It often leads to sympathy and compassion, but it is not one in the same. Empathy is the ability to be truly attuned to the other, to vicariously share in their subjective experience. In other words, you need to really be able to put yourself in each other’s shoes.
So before you dig your heels in, try to find out and understand why she is feeling the way that she is. Also, maybe you need to think about why pot is so important to you or is it just that you don’t want to be told what to do?
In terms of pot, there truly are other ways to get stress release and also to manage back pain. Is this really the issue or do you just like getting high?
Strive to be honest with yourself and then try talking with your girlfriend.
Also, it sounds like you may smoke frequently if not daily.
To put it in perspective and to understand some possible reasons she may feel the way that she does, please understand that pot does put you in a different state of consciousness and if she does not smoke as well, then she may not feel the same connection with you that she would like to feel. That is actually a compliment to you.
Smoking pot is also a carcinogen; perhaps she does not want you to get cancer.
Also, if you have children, the secondhand smoke can and would affect them.
Finally, she may see something that pot is doing to you that you cannot see in yourself.
Now, on the other hand, I would guess you have been together for awhile if you have asked her to marry you. Isn’t this something she has known about you or did she just discover it?
If she has known all along then I would wonder about her co-dependency and whether she has had an agenda to change you.
Obviously, you do need to talk about this dilemma you are having.
I am a big believer in premarital counseling, which can be obtained with just the two of you, or in a group setting with other couples considering marriage.
It really does help you to be clear about each others’ expectations and fantasies about what the marriage will be.
Marriage can be difficult and we have seen many deciding not to marry and of those who do, about half end in divorce.
It really sounds like you need this kind of help and I hope she would agree to it, before you get married.
If you give up smoking pot just because she demands it, you will probably resent her. Not a good place to start in a marriage.
As I said in the beginning, there needs to be room for two. There has to be room for both of you and communication and compromise is critical.
It really sounds like you are at a standoff and that is not indicative of love.
I would recommend that you have her read this or that you go to her and tell her that you love her and want to work this out but probably need a little help to do it.
The help is confidential, supportive and kind. Hopefully, you can resolve this. Good luck!
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