Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press November 15, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
Everyone is talking about it and I simply do not understand how CIA
director Gen. David Petraeus could end up having an affair when he has
been married for 38 years. As a married person, this really worries me.
Can you offer any insights?
Signed,
Concerned Married person
Dear Concerned,
A long-term and happy marriage is a wonderful thing. In this case
they have had children together, creating a hopefully happy family. It
is definitely a hard thing to give up and one that is not easily
compromised.
By all accounts, the two military people who had the affair were both
married with children. So as the story goes, Gen. Petraeus had a lot in
common with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. She had served in the
military, rising to the rank of major in the Army Reserve. They were
both very active and physically fit. Word has it that they started their
initial interviews while running together.
From what I can tell, albeit from a distance, his testosterone was
still working for him and I think most people would agree that she,
whether you like her right now or not, is a very attractive woman.
Having a lot in common and lots of shared stories and experiences
helps to create a close friendship. In marriage, you may still have a
lot in common — your children, family, and a history — but a new person
who shares many of your current experiences and seems to really
understand you is very powerful.
Let us not forget that Broadwell was spending a lot of time with the
general in order to write his biography. This means so much more than
just time together, although what I have already said is enough to spark
the interest, but not necessarily enough for any compromising action.
It’s important to realize that we all have a deep need to be
understood and to be known for who we really are. As a biographer, the
questions asked and information shared would only get more and more
intimate over time. As the trust and closeness builds, more is revealed.
This feeling of connection can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
When you really understand the profound feeling of being understood
and appreciated by someone who seems to really know you, someone that
you also have a lot in common with and you may also find physically
attractive, the chemistry created is extremely powerful.
It seems like what happened is more of a falling into an affair that
is already practically happening vs. a decision to have an affair. These
conditions are powerful and all of us can be vulnerable to them.
I think the operative word “decision” should have come into the
picture before it got so far along. When the fire was stirring, one or
both of them should have stepped back. A good way to step back is to
talk about the feelings that are evolving and bring the rational mind
into the picture. Do we really want to take this further? Are we willing
to take the chance of what it could mean?
This seems to be why everyone expected so much more from someone who
has been as heroic in so many ways as has Gen. Petraeus. If not him, the
master of strategy, then who can use their decision-making powers?
Then again, perhaps he was simply tired of always making the right
decisions. Maybe it was just that chemistry that got the best of him.
In your marriage, it is really important to keep your interest in
each other alive and well. It means date nights and special time
together on a regular basis. Often as marriages progress, we just take
the love for granted and we focus more on the children, overall family,
what needs to get done and our future plans. It is not unusual that we
forget to think about and make sure we are truly in sync with our
partners.
I am not saying that this was the case with either of the two because
I don’t know them, but I do know that if you are current and real with
your partner and you feel that deep connection on a regular basis, it is
far less likely that you would continue down a path that might just
undo your marital relationship.
If you are feeling neglected, resentful or angry about anything, find
a way to talk with your partner; be real. And keep your eyes and ears
open; don’t assume anything when there is an unusual situation
occurring.
Stay clear, current and close.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
How do I get over myself?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on November 1, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I read your column about teaching kids to have self-efficacy. I think I suffer from the lack of self-efficacy, but I don’t have self-esteem issues. I am a self-employed hairstylist who is struggling because I don’t like to approach people about my services. I am outgoing and a lot of fun and my friends tell me that I have everything it takes to be a huge success in whatever I decide to do in life — looks, brains, business savvy — but I can’t get going. I am afraid that people will turn me down and not like me and I know that it’s in my head. Question: How do I get over myself? Am I in my own way?
Signed,
Need to Get Over Myself
Dear Need to Get Over Myself,
I think you are being a tad hard on yourself. You actually describe a number of nice attributes and you say that your friends seem quite complimentary of you. So I suggest that you calm down and let’s rethink this.
The issue here actually does not sound like a problem with self-efficacy.
Perhaps I did not explain it well enough in my first article that you read, but at the same time it actually is a complicated concept that is based on considerable research, one that is difficult to truly explain in a brief column like this.
Simply put, self-efficacy is about a sense of self, a belief about oneself. It is a knowing that you can be effective at something or that you are effective as a person. You say that you are effective in your skills as a hairdresser and you know it. Your friendship skills seem adequate. And you sound like you do believe in yourself. If I read you right, you believe that you would be very competent and successful if the customers would just come.
The issue you raise about creating a clientele is a marketing issue. Some people are good at selling themselves, others are not, and so I see where your question comes from. However, most people would find it difficult to go up to a stranger and say let me cut your hair because I am terrific at it.
And it is probably all the more so here in Los Angeles where either our bodies or our hair is so important.
You need a marketing strategy and if you can’t sell yourself somehow, then you probably need to get some marketing help. Once you are up and running, word of mouth will take over. But you have to first make yourself visible.
The Issue you raised really seems to be more about a fear of rejection. What really captured my attention was your statement that you are afraid people will turn you down and not like you, but you know that it is all in your head.
First off, what is in your head is everything. “As a man thinketh, so he is!” If we think it, we feel it and we generally behave accordingly. To say it is just in my head is really something you need to take a second look at.
Realizing that this fear you have may just be in your head, but because it is in your head you obviously believe it and you are behaving as if it is true, is the first step.
The belief seems to be that you will be rejected if you try to sell yourself or reach out. If I were you I would ask myself who in your past has put you down or rejected you in this way.
We are not born with these types of feelings and beliefs. We learn them as we go along in life, so something or someone contributed to this fear you have.
It is amazing how just one or two people can cause us to believe things about ourselves. However, if we are young and developmentally impressionable or if they are fairly important people to us, the beliefs will take hold.
I suggest that you think about this seriously and ask yourself if you really want to allow whatever situations or people to continue to have this effect on you. If not, you can begin testing your belief; there is a very good chance that it is a false one. Test it a little bit at a time, but if you find that you can’t get over it, that it just goes too deep or is just too scary to do on your own, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck and thank you for your question and for reading Life Matters.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I read your column about teaching kids to have self-efficacy. I think I suffer from the lack of self-efficacy, but I don’t have self-esteem issues. I am a self-employed hairstylist who is struggling because I don’t like to approach people about my services. I am outgoing and a lot of fun and my friends tell me that I have everything it takes to be a huge success in whatever I decide to do in life — looks, brains, business savvy — but I can’t get going. I am afraid that people will turn me down and not like me and I know that it’s in my head. Question: How do I get over myself? Am I in my own way?
Signed,
Need to Get Over Myself
Dear Need to Get Over Myself,
I think you are being a tad hard on yourself. You actually describe a number of nice attributes and you say that your friends seem quite complimentary of you. So I suggest that you calm down and let’s rethink this.
The issue here actually does not sound like a problem with self-efficacy.
Perhaps I did not explain it well enough in my first article that you read, but at the same time it actually is a complicated concept that is based on considerable research, one that is difficult to truly explain in a brief column like this.
Simply put, self-efficacy is about a sense of self, a belief about oneself. It is a knowing that you can be effective at something or that you are effective as a person. You say that you are effective in your skills as a hairdresser and you know it. Your friendship skills seem adequate. And you sound like you do believe in yourself. If I read you right, you believe that you would be very competent and successful if the customers would just come.
The issue you raise about creating a clientele is a marketing issue. Some people are good at selling themselves, others are not, and so I see where your question comes from. However, most people would find it difficult to go up to a stranger and say let me cut your hair because I am terrific at it.
And it is probably all the more so here in Los Angeles where either our bodies or our hair is so important.
You need a marketing strategy and if you can’t sell yourself somehow, then you probably need to get some marketing help. Once you are up and running, word of mouth will take over. But you have to first make yourself visible.
The Issue you raised really seems to be more about a fear of rejection. What really captured my attention was your statement that you are afraid people will turn you down and not like you, but you know that it is all in your head.
First off, what is in your head is everything. “As a man thinketh, so he is!” If we think it, we feel it and we generally behave accordingly. To say it is just in my head is really something you need to take a second look at.
Realizing that this fear you have may just be in your head, but because it is in your head you obviously believe it and you are behaving as if it is true, is the first step.
The belief seems to be that you will be rejected if you try to sell yourself or reach out. If I were you I would ask myself who in your past has put you down or rejected you in this way.
We are not born with these types of feelings and beliefs. We learn them as we go along in life, so something or someone contributed to this fear you have.
It is amazing how just one or two people can cause us to believe things about ourselves. However, if we are young and developmentally impressionable or if they are fairly important people to us, the beliefs will take hold.
I suggest that you think about this seriously and ask yourself if you really want to allow whatever situations or people to continue to have this effect on you. If not, you can begin testing your belief; there is a very good chance that it is a false one. Test it a little bit at a time, but if you find that you can’t get over it, that it just goes too deep or is just too scary to do on your own, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck and thank you for your question and for reading Life Matters.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Teaching kids to have self-efficacy
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 17, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink
I met you at the Taste of Abbot Kinney food event. As I told you, I was there because of the food. I had no idea what the charity was about and even though you tried to explain it to me, I am still confused about what self-efficacy is. I really thought it was the same thing as self-esteem and would appreciate it if you would explain it.
Thanks,
Confused
Dear Confused,
I appreciate your question because I imagine many people do not know the difference. The event supported Inside Out Community Arts, an organization that has won numerous awards, including national ones for their excellent curriculum.
When I was a doctoral student I learned about the importance of the arts to enhance learning. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Dr. James Catterall, a member of my doctoral committee at UCLA, had done research on the results of the educational programs at Inside Out.
If you look into their curriculum, you will see that they have a number of after-school programs and a weekend program where students camp in the Santa Monica Mountains and write a play together.
More importantly, Dr. Catterall’s results show that the students learn how to work together, how to be team members, how to deal with interpersonal differences, problem solving skills and how to cooperate and make friendships. They also learn how to express feelings and use their imagination and to develop metacognition, which basically means to be reflective, which helps us learn, think, come up with new ideas and think before we act.
All of these things are important and certainly lacking in many young people today through no fault of their own. We need a lot more of this type of help for kids and we need to have the arts put back into school curriculums. Santa Monica is lucky to still have it and for those of us who had it understand how lucky we were.
Don Novak, one of the owners of Hal’s restaurant who helped fund the event, told me that as a businessman, joining Hal in the restaurant 25 years ago definitely increased his ability to deal with interpersonal differences and increased his sense of cooperation and sensitivity. Joining others in artistic adventures can be incredibly fruitful and rewarding.
Now you specifically asked about self-efficacy and I deliberately left it for last.
It is not self-esteem, but it could be considered similar.
Self-esteem is the worth we place on ourselves. It is also called self-worth.
We are not born with it, we develop it after we develop our sense of self and it is directly related to how we see, think or feel others are seeing and reacting to us. If those around us think we are truly special, we usually will come to believe it. Unfortunately the reverse is also true. I have seen many people who really do not think they are worth much because they were treated as if they weren’t.
But things can also happen along the way to change our self-esteem. Really bad situations, like repeated sexual assaults, being bullied, or having a parent divorce or die and then a stepparent, makes us feel bad about ourselves. The list is endless but self-esteem is fundamentally based on deeply rooted beliefs that we hold about ourselves. The good news is that they can be changed with work in psychotherapy, if need be.
Self-efficacy is related, but it is not the same. Self-efficacy is the belief in ourselves that makes us feel effective. It’s a feeling that we can do it if we try. Some people who like themselves and have self-worth can be greatly lacking in the feeling or belief that they can be effective in general or at something specific.
An example might be a woman who knows she is beautiful and worth more than she has but feels helpless to make something different for herself. Another might be the guy who is great at sports and popular with the girls but cannot imagine getting through college; doesn’t believe he can do it.
So you can see that it certainly is a branch of that same tree of self-esteem but it is really about how effective we believe we are or can be. What are we capable of, what can we accomplish or contribute to this world?
In this economy, many unemployed people have given up and are losing their self-efficacy. Students without a decent education can be in the same boat. And it is a boat called hopeless.
We all need self-efficacy to help us try and to accomplish and then, to keep or build self-esteem.
Inside Out is doing a great job at building self-efficacy and we really need more programs like it.
Hope I answered your question and I hope you have self-efficacy.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink
I met you at the Taste of Abbot Kinney food event. As I told you, I was there because of the food. I had no idea what the charity was about and even though you tried to explain it to me, I am still confused about what self-efficacy is. I really thought it was the same thing as self-esteem and would appreciate it if you would explain it.
Thanks,
Confused
Dear Confused,
I appreciate your question because I imagine many people do not know the difference. The event supported Inside Out Community Arts, an organization that has won numerous awards, including national ones for their excellent curriculum.
When I was a doctoral student I learned about the importance of the arts to enhance learning. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Dr. James Catterall, a member of my doctoral committee at UCLA, had done research on the results of the educational programs at Inside Out.
If you look into their curriculum, you will see that they have a number of after-school programs and a weekend program where students camp in the Santa Monica Mountains and write a play together.
More importantly, Dr. Catterall’s results show that the students learn how to work together, how to be team members, how to deal with interpersonal differences, problem solving skills and how to cooperate and make friendships. They also learn how to express feelings and use their imagination and to develop metacognition, which basically means to be reflective, which helps us learn, think, come up with new ideas and think before we act.
All of these things are important and certainly lacking in many young people today through no fault of their own. We need a lot more of this type of help for kids and we need to have the arts put back into school curriculums. Santa Monica is lucky to still have it and for those of us who had it understand how lucky we were.
Don Novak, one of the owners of Hal’s restaurant who helped fund the event, told me that as a businessman, joining Hal in the restaurant 25 years ago definitely increased his ability to deal with interpersonal differences and increased his sense of cooperation and sensitivity. Joining others in artistic adventures can be incredibly fruitful and rewarding.
Now you specifically asked about self-efficacy and I deliberately left it for last.
It is not self-esteem, but it could be considered similar.
Self-esteem is the worth we place on ourselves. It is also called self-worth.
We are not born with it, we develop it after we develop our sense of self and it is directly related to how we see, think or feel others are seeing and reacting to us. If those around us think we are truly special, we usually will come to believe it. Unfortunately the reverse is also true. I have seen many people who really do not think they are worth much because they were treated as if they weren’t.
But things can also happen along the way to change our self-esteem. Really bad situations, like repeated sexual assaults, being bullied, or having a parent divorce or die and then a stepparent, makes us feel bad about ourselves. The list is endless but self-esteem is fundamentally based on deeply rooted beliefs that we hold about ourselves. The good news is that they can be changed with work in psychotherapy, if need be.
Self-efficacy is related, but it is not the same. Self-efficacy is the belief in ourselves that makes us feel effective. It’s a feeling that we can do it if we try. Some people who like themselves and have self-worth can be greatly lacking in the feeling or belief that they can be effective in general or at something specific.
An example might be a woman who knows she is beautiful and worth more than she has but feels helpless to make something different for herself. Another might be the guy who is great at sports and popular with the girls but cannot imagine getting through college; doesn’t believe he can do it.
So you can see that it certainly is a branch of that same tree of self-esteem but it is really about how effective we believe we are or can be. What are we capable of, what can we accomplish or contribute to this world?
In this economy, many unemployed people have given up and are losing their self-efficacy. Students without a decent education can be in the same boat. And it is a boat called hopeless.
We all need self-efficacy to help us try and to accomplish and then, to keep or build self-esteem.
Inside Out is doing a great job at building self-efficacy and we really need more programs like it.
Hope I answered your question and I hope you have self-efficacy.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Helping kids get a complete education
Helping kids get a complete education
Author: JoAnne Barge
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press in the News section on October 12, 2012.
www.smdp.com
LINCOLN BLVD — Excited to have one of our own hosting the VIP reception at this Sunday’s Taste of Abbot Kinney culinary event and fundraiser, I was delighted to interview Adam Gertler.
Gertler is a Food Network star, hosting the primetime series “Kid in a Candy Store.” He’s a talented chef and equally gifted television personality.
His preference is barbecue and smoking meats. At his bar and restaurant on Lincoln Boulevard —TRiP — he does specialty sausages. The spot just south of Pico Boulevard also features great beers and live music.
I asked Gertler about his involvement with Taste of Abbot Kinney and he said that he is hosting it for the second year because of its support for Inside Out Community Arts. Inside Out teaches the arts to underserved youth in the Venice area and beyond, providing award-winning, high quality after-school programs that teach youth to believe in the power of their own inner voices, hopes and dreams.
Gertler used to teach acting to kids himself when he had more time and plans to return to it. He himself was acting by the fourth grade and has always been a lover of the performing arts. He holds a bachelor’s in fine arts from Syracuse University. Although he came to Los Angeles to be an actor, he found himself sidetracked with his cooking and after being discovered on the Food Network, he found the perfect way to integrate the two.
He was never scholastic and tended to daydream; acting helped him to find himself so he feels strongly about helping kids who don’t have the same opportunities that he had.
As most of you know, the arts have been stripped away at many school, which makes organizations like Inside Out so important and necessary.
I couldn’t help but ask Gertler about his 20-year plus collection of comic books. He said that they “keep my imagination alive” and that for him, he got what others get from religion. He always identified with the good guys, the heroes, never the bad guys.
I plan to help Gertler in this event and the others who support Inside Out and anything that helps kids get exposure to the arts. I hope that you will too. Research has repeatedly proven that it enhances learning and helps to develop character.
So head on down to Abbot Kinney this Sunday and sample of the finest foods local restaurants have to offer, and help educate kids in the process.
For more information, visit http://www.insideoutca.org/ or http://www.tasteofabbotkinney.org.
If you go
TRiP
2101 Lincoln Blvd.
Santa Monica, Calif.
90405
(310) 396-9010
http://www.tripsantamonica.com
Author: JoAnne Barge
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press in the News section on October 12, 2012.
www.smdp.com
LINCOLN BLVD — Excited to have one of our own hosting the VIP reception at this Sunday’s Taste of Abbot Kinney culinary event and fundraiser, I was delighted to interview Adam Gertler.
Gertler is a Food Network star, hosting the primetime series “Kid in a Candy Store.” He’s a talented chef and equally gifted television personality.
His preference is barbecue and smoking meats. At his bar and restaurant on Lincoln Boulevard —TRiP — he does specialty sausages. The spot just south of Pico Boulevard also features great beers and live music.
I asked Gertler about his involvement with Taste of Abbot Kinney and he said that he is hosting it for the second year because of its support for Inside Out Community Arts. Inside Out teaches the arts to underserved youth in the Venice area and beyond, providing award-winning, high quality after-school programs that teach youth to believe in the power of their own inner voices, hopes and dreams.
Gertler used to teach acting to kids himself when he had more time and plans to return to it. He himself was acting by the fourth grade and has always been a lover of the performing arts. He holds a bachelor’s in fine arts from Syracuse University. Although he came to Los Angeles to be an actor, he found himself sidetracked with his cooking and after being discovered on the Food Network, he found the perfect way to integrate the two.
He was never scholastic and tended to daydream; acting helped him to find himself so he feels strongly about helping kids who don’t have the same opportunities that he had.
As most of you know, the arts have been stripped away at many school, which makes organizations like Inside Out so important and necessary.
I couldn’t help but ask Gertler about his 20-year plus collection of comic books. He said that they “keep my imagination alive” and that for him, he got what others get from religion. He always identified with the good guys, the heroes, never the bad guys.
I plan to help Gertler in this event and the others who support Inside Out and anything that helps kids get exposure to the arts. I hope that you will too. Research has repeatedly proven that it enhances learning and helps to develop character.
So head on down to Abbot Kinney this Sunday and sample of the finest foods local restaurants have to offer, and help educate kids in the process.
For more information, visit http://www.insideoutca.org/ or http://www.tasteofabbotkinney.org.
If you go
TRiP
2101 Lincoln Blvd.
Santa Monica, Calif.
90405
(310) 396-9010
http://www.tripsantamonica.com
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Coming Clean on HCV
Originally appeared in the Santa Monica Daily Press October 4, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
The woman I am engaged to was just told by her doctor that she has hepatitis C (HCV). We are both confused and scared. We don’t know what it means or if it is the same or similar to HIV?
Do you know anything about this? Even if you don’t know much about it, can you help us deal with what this means for our lives and how to handle our feelings and the tension we now both feel?
We started to look it up online and really got scared so we are hoping you can shed some light. We often read your column and are hoping you will pick our question.
Signed,
Very Troubled
Dear Very Troubled,
I actually do know something about this because I am certified in the treatment of substance abuse, but also licensed psychologists have to be somewhat on top of these types of things because they affect mental health.
Obviously, a diagnosis such as this can be deeply troubling and cause concern and tension in your relationship if you don’t know what it means or perhaps more importantly, how she got it.
First off, please do not go searching the Internet. While it does have good information, it is also full of misinformation and horror stories that most often are not true.
The best place to get your information is through the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or the National Institute of Health. But better yet, see a good physician that specializes in this.
Hepatitis C is actually affecting more people worldwide than HIV. Approximately 3.2 million people are chronically infected, according to the CDC.
HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS. While there is still a significant problem with HIV in the age group of 18-24, and more so among minorities that are not educated on the subject, it is not as widespread as HCV that does not lead to AIDS. It is a different virus altogether, one that only affects the liver, but can be deadly.
The frightening reality is that many people have been infected with the hepatitis C virus and don’t even know it. Unless you are tested for it or get really sick, you may not know until it becomes a real problem. That is because there are no symptoms until you actually get sick from it.
However, the virus does not make everyone sick. Many never get sick, but of those that do, it is frequently a function of their own unhealthy behavior.
Anything that is damaging to the liver, such as alcohol or drug abuse, increases the odds of getting sick from the virus if you have it. Even marijuana use, which most people think is benign, builds up fat cells in the liver, which helps carry and perpetuate the virus.
You should definitely check your health behaviors and do what is best to keep the virus from multiplying.
Also, this is not a death sentence. Even for those who are seriously ill, there are many good treatments. You don’t necessarily need treatment, but if caught early, you can rid yourself of the virus altogether.
Even better, there are newer drugs with fewer side effects coming on the market late this year or early in 2013.
So now, you are worrying about how did she get it and what does this mean for your relationship? I don’t know your age and don’t want to assume, so I will just give you the history and basics.
It was and still can be transferred through blood transfusions. However, the United States some 20 years ago started provisions to protect against this form of contagion.
You can only get HCV through blood-to-blood contact so sexual transmission is possible, but not likely. Some folks prefer safe sex to avoid the possibility. You are actually more likely to get it through a shared razor or toothbrush or from unsanitary manicure or tattoo equipment. Always use your own manicure equipment and if you want a tattoo, be very careful about the artist you choose.
Having said that, the most likely way of contacting HCV is through drug use. Shared needles or shared straws from bloody noses are a major cause of transmission.
Some people simply do not know and may never know how they got it.
You and your fiancée know if any of these apply and this can help you figure out the how of it. But going forward, be careful with the things I have mentioned above. And see a specialist as soon as possible.
Unfortunately it can be transferred to a fetus so it may compromise having children. But before you go there, see if it is early enough to eradicate with the treatments that are out there or coming soon.
I know it is not good news, but it doesn’t have to be the worst news in the world either.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
The woman I am engaged to was just told by her doctor that she has hepatitis C (HCV). We are both confused and scared. We don’t know what it means or if it is the same or similar to HIV?
Do you know anything about this? Even if you don’t know much about it, can you help us deal with what this means for our lives and how to handle our feelings and the tension we now both feel?
We started to look it up online and really got scared so we are hoping you can shed some light. We often read your column and are hoping you will pick our question.
Signed,
Very Troubled
Dear Very Troubled,
I actually do know something about this because I am certified in the treatment of substance abuse, but also licensed psychologists have to be somewhat on top of these types of things because they affect mental health.
Obviously, a diagnosis such as this can be deeply troubling and cause concern and tension in your relationship if you don’t know what it means or perhaps more importantly, how she got it.
First off, please do not go searching the Internet. While it does have good information, it is also full of misinformation and horror stories that most often are not true.
The best place to get your information is through the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or the National Institute of Health. But better yet, see a good physician that specializes in this.
Hepatitis C is actually affecting more people worldwide than HIV. Approximately 3.2 million people are chronically infected, according to the CDC.
HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS. While there is still a significant problem with HIV in the age group of 18-24, and more so among minorities that are not educated on the subject, it is not as widespread as HCV that does not lead to AIDS. It is a different virus altogether, one that only affects the liver, but can be deadly.
The frightening reality is that many people have been infected with the hepatitis C virus and don’t even know it. Unless you are tested for it or get really sick, you may not know until it becomes a real problem. That is because there are no symptoms until you actually get sick from it.
However, the virus does not make everyone sick. Many never get sick, but of those that do, it is frequently a function of their own unhealthy behavior.
Anything that is damaging to the liver, such as alcohol or drug abuse, increases the odds of getting sick from the virus if you have it. Even marijuana use, which most people think is benign, builds up fat cells in the liver, which helps carry and perpetuate the virus.
You should definitely check your health behaviors and do what is best to keep the virus from multiplying.
Also, this is not a death sentence. Even for those who are seriously ill, there are many good treatments. You don’t necessarily need treatment, but if caught early, you can rid yourself of the virus altogether.
Even better, there are newer drugs with fewer side effects coming on the market late this year or early in 2013.
So now, you are worrying about how did she get it and what does this mean for your relationship? I don’t know your age and don’t want to assume, so I will just give you the history and basics.
It was and still can be transferred through blood transfusions. However, the United States some 20 years ago started provisions to protect against this form of contagion.
You can only get HCV through blood-to-blood contact so sexual transmission is possible, but not likely. Some folks prefer safe sex to avoid the possibility. You are actually more likely to get it through a shared razor or toothbrush or from unsanitary manicure or tattoo equipment. Always use your own manicure equipment and if you want a tattoo, be very careful about the artist you choose.
Having said that, the most likely way of contacting HCV is through drug use. Shared needles or shared straws from bloody noses are a major cause of transmission.
Some people simply do not know and may never know how they got it.
You and your fiancée know if any of these apply and this can help you figure out the how of it. But going forward, be careful with the things I have mentioned above. And see a specialist as soon as possible.
Unfortunately it can be transferred to a fetus so it may compromise having children. But before you go there, see if it is early enough to eradicate with the treatments that are out there or coming soon.
I know it is not good news, but it doesn’t have to be the worst news in the world either.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Our daughter is gay, what do we do?
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press September 20, 2012
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
Our daughter just came to us and told us that she is a lesbian. Then she brought a girl by with piercings and pink streaks in her hair.
Needless to say, we are horrified. She was always a lovely girl that dated boys and the boys liked her, back when she was in high school. But since going off to college she has decided that she wants to go gay.
We are hoping that it is just a phase, but my husband and I are actually more worried that something really sexually traumatic may have happened to her that we never knew about.
My husband is her stepfather, for a long time now, and a very good father figure that she adores. Her biological father is a sex addict and I divorced him years ago when I caught him cheating, over and over again.
I am worried that she may have seen inappropriate things or maybe that he even did something to her that has made her gay. She says it is nothing like that and that she is happy. We don’t really believe her and we are definitely not happy with her decision at all. We wanted grandchildren and to see her happily married. I have even imagined the big beautiful wedding we would have given her one day.
What do you recommend we do? How can we help her?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
I am sorry that you are feeling so worried and “horrified.” I can imagine that it is difficult for you, especially because you have held such an image and what now looks like a fantasy for your daughter.
I understand that she is your little girl and you are worried that something may have gone wrong. It is not unreasonable to think these things and your questions about your prior spouse are not out of line. No one knows for sure what causes homosexuality. Many feel that they were born this way. Yet there are traumatic histories with many gay people. Having said that, there are also many heterosexual people with trauma histories.
Women do seem to be more bi-sexual than men, so it may be temporary, but I would not refer to it as a phase.
I don’t believe we can make ourselves attracted to anyone whether we are heterosexual or homosexual. It just seems to happen or it doesn’t! We can’t make ourselves fall in love with someone and sometimes we meet the most attractive people, but don’t feel chemistry with them at all. If we are honest, our real feelings and attractions just cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn’t and often defies reason.
Research and anecdotal data are convincing that people do not choose a sexual preference. We cannot decide to be gay; it won’t work out if we are not really feeling it. And we cannot decide to not be gay either. Those who have tried this have suffered for years and often have caused great pain for others that they were involved with in their own self-deception.
The best thing that you can do for yourselves and for your daughter is to learn more about homosexuality. There are many self-help groups and you can find information online. You might also want to seek counseling to help you process your feelings and come to terms with whoever and whatever your daughter may be.
I doubt that she wants to hurt you. She just is what she is. It is not a choice.
If you care about her as much as you seem to do, love her for who she is. Trying to change her, telling her something is wrong with her or rejecting her would be the worst thing you can do.
If you don’t know by now, many young people who have come out to their parents and then are rejected have been so devastated that they committed suicide.
I am sorry that you most likely have to give up your dreams as you have known them. But remember that they may not be her dreams and what will follow will be happier for everyone.
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we do not know what is best for someone else, especially a child, but in this case, it is better to accept what is than to fight it. Go with the flow. We are usually happier when we do this.
www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
Our daughter just came to us and told us that she is a lesbian. Then she brought a girl by with piercings and pink streaks in her hair.
Needless to say, we are horrified. She was always a lovely girl that dated boys and the boys liked her, back when she was in high school. But since going off to college she has decided that she wants to go gay.
We are hoping that it is just a phase, but my husband and I are actually more worried that something really sexually traumatic may have happened to her that we never knew about.
My husband is her stepfather, for a long time now, and a very good father figure that she adores. Her biological father is a sex addict and I divorced him years ago when I caught him cheating, over and over again.
I am worried that she may have seen inappropriate things or maybe that he even did something to her that has made her gay. She says it is nothing like that and that she is happy. We don’t really believe her and we are definitely not happy with her decision at all. We wanted grandchildren and to see her happily married. I have even imagined the big beautiful wedding we would have given her one day.
What do you recommend we do? How can we help her?
Signed,
Distraught
Dear Distraught,
I am sorry that you are feeling so worried and “horrified.” I can imagine that it is difficult for you, especially because you have held such an image and what now looks like a fantasy for your daughter.
I understand that she is your little girl and you are worried that something may have gone wrong. It is not unreasonable to think these things and your questions about your prior spouse are not out of line. No one knows for sure what causes homosexuality. Many feel that they were born this way. Yet there are traumatic histories with many gay people. Having said that, there are also many heterosexual people with trauma histories.
Women do seem to be more bi-sexual than men, so it may be temporary, but I would not refer to it as a phase.
I don’t believe we can make ourselves attracted to anyone whether we are heterosexual or homosexual. It just seems to happen or it doesn’t! We can’t make ourselves fall in love with someone and sometimes we meet the most attractive people, but don’t feel chemistry with them at all. If we are honest, our real feelings and attractions just cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn’t and often defies reason.
Research and anecdotal data are convincing that people do not choose a sexual preference. We cannot decide to be gay; it won’t work out if we are not really feeling it. And we cannot decide to not be gay either. Those who have tried this have suffered for years and often have caused great pain for others that they were involved with in their own self-deception.
The best thing that you can do for yourselves and for your daughter is to learn more about homosexuality. There are many self-help groups and you can find information online. You might also want to seek counseling to help you process your feelings and come to terms with whoever and whatever your daughter may be.
I doubt that she wants to hurt you. She just is what she is. It is not a choice.
If you care about her as much as you seem to do, love her for who she is. Trying to change her, telling her something is wrong with her or rejecting her would be the worst thing you can do.
If you don’t know by now, many young people who have come out to their parents and then are rejected have been so devastated that they committed suicide.
I am sorry that you most likely have to give up your dreams as you have known them. But remember that they may not be her dreams and what will follow will be happier for everyone.
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we do not know what is best for someone else, especially a child, but in this case, it is better to accept what is than to fight it. Go with the flow. We are usually happier when we do this.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Should I Stay with the Chaos & Drama or Let It Go?
Dear New Shrink,
I feel desperate for some help. My relationship is in constant chaos. I find myself coming into it and then wanting to back off or simply quit it. My partner is a very moody person and it feels like I am constantly being tested. I love her and when things are good, I feel very close to her, but she always seems to want to pick fights with me. I don’t think she is very happy, but she doesn’t think she needs help and if I suggest that perhaps she would benefit from counseling or medication, she becomes enraged.
I do think that she is depressed because she is very negative, frequently cries for no apparent reason and she suffers from insomnia. I am just not sure what to do about it. Unfortunately, I am close to ending the relationship. We have been together for several years, but the past few months I feel on the verge of walking away more often than not.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that things are so bad for you and it sounds like for her too. Clearly there are feelings of helplessness and none of us like feeling this way.
Depression is a serious problem and if it’s significant enough causes very real suffering for the afflicted person and for those that are close to them. The symptoms you describe are some of the symptoms of depression. Problem falling asleep, lack of appetite and sex drive, low energy levels, moody and negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide are the indicators for serious depression. Some depressed people become slow and lethargic, while others can become quite agitated and irritable. I obviously cannot diagnose your girlfriend, but if she is depressed she may be pulling you down with her and if she won’t get help then you are not only feeling helpless, you are helpless.
Sometimes the best first step is to accept our helplessness and, in doing so, begin looking for better ways to take care of ourselves. This may seem like giving up, but actually if we are truly powerless over a situation such as this, it is actually an act of courage and strength. It means that you are facing reality and from doing this you become more responsible to yourself and actually get some of your strength back. You will become much more objective in terms of what to do and, more importantly, you will not be pulled down with her.
If you want to still think of her, and not feel as if you are being selfish, then seriously consider what good you will be not only to yourself, but also to her and your relationship if you go down with her. I will tell you if you don’t already know, you will be useless to her and the relationship and obviously no good to yourself if you do not do this.
Accepting your powerlessness, in situations where you are truly helpless and cannot fix the problem by yourself, is not only a big step, it is the best first step you can take. From doing this, you will begin to get your strength and objectivity back, as I already mentioned. I realize that this seems ironic, but it really does put you in a far better place for knowing what to do.
It seems strange that doing what feels so selfish or like giving up is really taking on responsibility for the situation the way it really is. I can promise you that albeit hard to do, this letting go will lead you to your answer.
Also, there is no telling what you may have been doing to perpetuate the problem. Often referred to as co-dependency, when we cooperate with another in unhealthy ways in order to preserve or maintain the relationship, it is actually the worst thing for it and for us.
Backing off allows her to begin to see what is going on with her and what she may need to do. If you are trying to reason with her or if you end up fighting with her, there is no chance of either one of you seeing things clearly because you are really just distracting yourselves. And it is a distraction that keeps you in the chaos and drama of your unhealthy relationship. It is no good for either of you.
Simple, but not easy, work at letting go of this drama and start focusing on taking care of yourself. Step back and the answers will come to you. Do yourself and her the favor of allowing some space, quiet and light to come into your otherwise chaotic relationship.
I feel desperate for some help. My relationship is in constant chaos. I find myself coming into it and then wanting to back off or simply quit it. My partner is a very moody person and it feels like I am constantly being tested. I love her and when things are good, I feel very close to her, but she always seems to want to pick fights with me. I don’t think she is very happy, but she doesn’t think she needs help and if I suggest that perhaps she would benefit from counseling or medication, she becomes enraged.
I do think that she is depressed because she is very negative, frequently cries for no apparent reason and she suffers from insomnia. I am just not sure what to do about it. Unfortunately, I am close to ending the relationship. We have been together for several years, but the past few months I feel on the verge of walking away more often than not.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
I am sorry to hear that things are so bad for you and it sounds like for her too. Clearly there are feelings of helplessness and none of us like feeling this way.
Depression is a serious problem and if it’s significant enough causes very real suffering for the afflicted person and for those that are close to them. The symptoms you describe are some of the symptoms of depression. Problem falling asleep, lack of appetite and sex drive, low energy levels, moody and negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide are the indicators for serious depression. Some depressed people become slow and lethargic, while others can become quite agitated and irritable. I obviously cannot diagnose your girlfriend, but if she is depressed she may be pulling you down with her and if she won’t get help then you are not only feeling helpless, you are helpless.
Sometimes the best first step is to accept our helplessness and, in doing so, begin looking for better ways to take care of ourselves. This may seem like giving up, but actually if we are truly powerless over a situation such as this, it is actually an act of courage and strength. It means that you are facing reality and from doing this you become more responsible to yourself and actually get some of your strength back. You will become much more objective in terms of what to do and, more importantly, you will not be pulled down with her.
If you want to still think of her, and not feel as if you are being selfish, then seriously consider what good you will be not only to yourself, but also to her and your relationship if you go down with her. I will tell you if you don’t already know, you will be useless to her and the relationship and obviously no good to yourself if you do not do this.
Accepting your powerlessness, in situations where you are truly helpless and cannot fix the problem by yourself, is not only a big step, it is the best first step you can take. From doing this, you will begin to get your strength and objectivity back, as I already mentioned. I realize that this seems ironic, but it really does put you in a far better place for knowing what to do.
It seems strange that doing what feels so selfish or like giving up is really taking on responsibility for the situation the way it really is. I can promise you that albeit hard to do, this letting go will lead you to your answer.
Also, there is no telling what you may have been doing to perpetuate the problem. Often referred to as co-dependency, when we cooperate with another in unhealthy ways in order to preserve or maintain the relationship, it is actually the worst thing for it and for us.
Backing off allows her to begin to see what is going on with her and what she may need to do. If you are trying to reason with her or if you end up fighting with her, there is no chance of either one of you seeing things clearly because you are really just distracting yourselves. And it is a distraction that keeps you in the chaos and drama of your unhealthy relationship. It is no good for either of you.
Simple, but not easy, work at letting go of this drama and start focusing on taking care of yourself. Step back and the answers will come to you. Do yourself and her the favor of allowing some space, quiet and light to come into your otherwise chaotic relationship.
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