Friends with benefits may not be beneficial

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on August 2, 2012
www.smdp.com

Dear New Shrink,
I'm a 19-year-old girl of East Indian and African decent. I had a daughter recently and her dad, also 19 and of East Indian descent, got deported before I even found out I was pregnant. He asked me to come to his country and marry him, but I have to wait a few months. We have also been on and off due to his infidelity.
Meanwhile this other guy and I started getting close. The man I was supposed to marry had a girlfriend who called me: he said he would explain but went M.I.A. for six weeks.
During this time my guy friend started coming over more and more. He knows that I like him and I was starting to get over my child's father. He liked me too but he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship so we just remained friends. Then we started becoming friends with benefits. We started and it was amazing, but he refused to kiss me.
Then one day I acted strange because I realized my emotions were getting out of control. He was really concerned about me and kept asking me what was on my mind. I should have told him that it felt really bad to me, but instead I acted like a total jerk and then told him we should call off our arrangement. He seemed totally cool with it. We talked a couple of times after that and then he cut me off! He told me how I made him feel really bad that day and he is now saying he doesn't want to be friends anymore.
My guy friends say that it looks like he started getting feelings for me and decided to bolt. He is not the type of guy to just cut me off because he got what he wanted; I'm the second girl he ever had sex with.
But why not be friends? He keeps acting as if I offended him and keeps saying he should just disappear. I'm really torn up about this. I need advice. Please help me understand why he is behaving this way and what I can do to get us back to being friends.
Signed,
Torn up

Dear Torn up,
I understand why you are feeling bad. Your situation is confusing and you obviously became attached to your "friend with benefits."
I am not so sure this is an idea that really works so well. Open marriages end, for the most part, in divorce or in need of serious counseling. Very few pulled that off.
Friends are perhaps a little less emotionally involved, at least in the beginning, but sex is a very intimate act. There are multiple reasons why this might be true, but generally speaking women get attached when they have sex. Some men do too but they can have sex much more freely without feeling an attachment.
Your friend may have been avoiding feelings by not kissing you or it may be an indication that he never had them. It may have been strictly sex for him.
From your description, it does sound like he is sensitive and if he says you upset him and made him feel like he should disappear, then he must have gotten hurt. If you can trust your other guy friends to tell you the truth, then the messages he sent must have said quite a lot for them to conclude that he was developing feelings and bolted when he got too close or got hurt.
However, don't forget that there is also the pending husband that might make him keep his distance. Perhaps he cannot be just friends? Once you have been intimate, it's difficult to go back.
It really sounds to me like you need to get yourself straightened out a bit. What is it that you really want? What does sex mean to you? Are you being cautious enough with both yourself and sex? You already are a single mother at 19; not an easy task. I can't help but wonder if you were having safe sex?
There are so many sexually transmitted diseases out there now and also, there has been a 200 percent increase in new HIV cases for your age group in the U.S.
I really recommend that you think seriously about who you are and what you want. When you are clear about this, then perhaps you can approach your guy friend again if he is still someone you want to be with. He may also trust an involvement with you more at this point.
Good luck. Hope this helps.

When best friends date

Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press in Life Matters Column on July 12, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I have two very close friends. I used to have strong feelings for one of them and now they have started dating each other. I don't want to withdraw from the friendship but I feel jealous and uncomfortable when I spend time with them.
Will these feelings go away if I spend more time with them or should I just tell them that I need to spend less time with them?
Thanks,
Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,
This does indeed sound very uncomfortable. I don't know that there is any hard and fast rule on this.
You say that these are two very close friends so I would like to start there with how close they really are. Many people use the term friend to refer to anyone that they have socialized with or have just been affiliated with through work or a community that they share.
I tend toward conceptualizing "friends" into three circles. The first inner circle would consist of maybe three to five people depending on your age and your marital status. I say marital status because our partners usually become one of our best friends and if we have a family, which will take a lot of time and energy, we have less of it to go around. Truly close friends are those you can really be yourself with, share openly with and you know that they have your back. These friends that I call your inner circle require a lot of attention. We must keep them alive and well and most of us can only maintain a few at a time.
The second circle can be much larger because it consists of people we like and do things with on a regular basis but we do not have the same degree of closeness and do not share so intimately with them. Often friends move from the inner circle to the second or vice versa.
Then there is the third or outer circle, which consists of people we socialize with and enjoy, but do not necessarily open up with as much. These are the people we might invite to a birthday party or that we enjoy catching up with when we run into them or get together occasionally, but they are not our best friends.
Now using my conceptualization as a framework, where would you place these two friends? If they are in your inner circle you might just want to explain your feelings to them and then see how it feels. If it's still uncomfortable, you might just have to move them to the second circle where you feel more at ease.
You might also want to consider moving them to a different circle until you resolve this. By resolve, I mean processing your feelings with either a friend from your inner circle who doesn't have an opinion on the issue or talking with a completely neutral third party.
I am also wondering, as a psychologist, how deep do these feelings go and how long have you had them? Did you ever actually have a relationship with this friend or is it that you have these feelings on your own? If you had a relationship, however long or short, then it should be much easier to talk to them. Actually it's probably already a question in the back of their minds.
But if it is the latter, perhaps you should ask yourself if you tend to be attracted to people who are unavailable or if this person maybe reminds you of someone else who has been important in your life. Not in every way but in their essence and in the way that they make you feel. If the answer is yes, then you probably have unresolved issues with the person(s) you are reminded of.
You say "used to have" strong feelings, but I wonder if it is truly past tense? I mean if it is truly in the past, why are you jealous now? Unless it's your ego or insecurity in that you didn't get what you wanted and someone else did.
I have more questions than answers, but I hope that they will lead you to finding some of your own answers. Really asking these questions seriously and mindfully reflecting on your answers should give you a big head start.
By the way, if you do decide to hang out with them more instead backing off, pay close attention to what feelings you have when you are around them and then answer these questions again.
The truth does tend to come to those who seek it and it can set us free. Listen carefully to what you already know.

Are my relationships with the opposite sex doomed?

Originally Posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 28, 2012
www.smdp.com


Dear New Shrink,
I am really worried that I will not be able to have a normal or healthy relationship with a guy. I already notice that I am either completely detached, especially if I start to feel something, or even worse, I am especially attracted to bad boys that do not treat me well.
My parents had a very bad marriage and my father did not treat my mother well at all. I have no respect for my mother for having put up with this and I have very mixed feelings about my dad. I honestly do not respect him either and sometimes really do not like him, but he has always been sort of good to me and he provided our family with a nice lifestyle.
I sometimes feel like I have no right to complain because some people have it much worse and in many ways I am privileged. But on the other hand, my emotional life growing up was not a privilege at all. And I am really beginning to see the damage it did. I do not trust men, do not expect relationships to work and see little point in even trying to have one.
Yet some part of me knows that I might be wrong; that maybe it is just due to my family experience.
Can you shed some light on this subject?
Signed,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,
First of all, I do not believe that you are "doomed" to have no relationship at all or just bad ones. In my view, the only doomed people are those who refuse to look at themselves. Some people just do not pay attention, never reflect on anything and they also tend to view everything in their lives as coming from outside.
This is not to say that some situations or conditions that we have little to no control over can and do occur. Your family situation is one of them. But what you decide to do with it is something you can control. The good news here is that you are already asking the question and this is a question you should take seriously.
You do not have to follow in your parents' footsteps. They provided you, as all families do, a profoundly influential model of relationships. It is difficult to change this idea within yourself, but you can do it. Start by looking around, outside of yourself and your family and notice that there are relationships that are working. Look for healthy relationships where the love and attachment is strong and try to realize that this is a real possibility.
Of course there are many bad examples these days, along with a high divorce rate, but look for the ones that are healthy and pay attention to what they do differently.
I believe that a big part of the reason for high divorce rates and relationships not working out has to do with people not being willing to work on things, expecting quick, easy answers and fast satisfaction. I believe that many of us have come to expect this in this age of technology.
But relationships have inherent conflicts and our respective psychologies are far too complex to lend themselves to quick fixes. We have to be willing to listen and learn from our partners and empathy is an absolute must.
Also some people choose the wrong partners and usually don't take the time to really get to know them and to explore their expectations about relationships. This is a crucial first step and probably explains the saying that "love is blind." It is in the beginning and that is why we need to pay attention, take our time and reflect on our choices and decisions.
In terms of you specifically, you should explore your feelings and your beliefs at a deeper level. Beliefs are just that, beliefs! They can be changed.
Again, I am not saying that it is easy, but if you want to change what you view as your determined destination, there is no way around it.
Finally, it is best if you do not try to do it by yourself. As humans we have an incredible capacity for lying to ourselves. You can start with observation of others, reading, writing about your feelings and thoughts and doing your best to challenge your beliefs, but in the end it is better if you can have an objective listener i.e., one without an agenda, to help you look at the bigger picture. This might be individual or group therapy or someone you trust from another source but are sure that they do not have an agenda for you.
Hang in there and believe it; you can change.

Whether or not to abort

Orginally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 3, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I am going through the worst time of my life trying to decide what to do.
I cannot even believe it, but I am pregnant. The situation is far from ideal for having a baby, but I really am wondering what it all means to have an abortion, what the risks are and whether or not I will be sorry afterwards. I would understand it if I were more religious, but I really am not. I just feel really scared and overwhelmed.
This is the last thing I expected because I really believed our method of protecting ourselves from this was a good one. My boyfriend supports me either way, or so he says.
Can you please just shed some light on the issue? I am hoping that it will help me decide while I am still early in the pregnancy.
Signed,
Sorry and worried

Dear Sorry and Worried,
I am really glad you wrote in regarding this issue of abortion and I know it must be difficult to discuss. Many women who have them tell very few, some none at all. Perhaps it is largely due to the sociopolitical climate these days, but my experience is that is goes way back to the days when it was theoretically accepted.
Over the years, I have worked with a number of women who have had abortions. Sometimes I am the only one to know. Not even the father is told; other times he is the only one to know.
The reactions to abortion vary and are often surprising to the women who have them. Sometimes it is actually the women who say that they are religious (not suggesting that they are not) who are the most relieved and move on quickly following an abortion. But more often than not, it is the women who say that they are OK with it, who are thinking mostly about the practical aspects of it and choose to do it because they think that it will bring relief, who suffer the most.
The statistics show that there are over 1 million abortions performed every year in the United States and that one in three women have an abortion before the age of 45.
Physically, if done by a doctor and in the first trimester, you should be absolutely fine. Very few women have complications or are injured in any way.
Some women, however, cannot afford an abortion so they try unorthodox methods to achieve it. This can be extremely dangerous.
But as a psychologist, it is the emotional consequences that I am concerned with. Few women really consider this before doing it. They tend to make the decision because they feel the pressure to do so and are considering only what they believe to be the practical aspects. The practical aspects can be very important and I would be the last to discount that piece of it. But it is very important to balance it out by thinking of the emotional aftermath. I have seen so many women who were very sad and often feeling very guilty after the fact. I have heard everything from "what if I never can have another child?" to "I can't believe I killed my baby."
I think it speaks for itself, but I have to say that it is extremely important that you consider who you are, what you are likely to feel afterwards and what coping mechanisms you have.
Are you prone to depression or substance abuse? Do you tend to be hard on yourself? Are you prone to feeling guilty or regretting some of your decisions because you made them in haste or under pressure?
I have seen women go into serious depression. I have seen others who feel spiritually guilty and it eats at their souls for months, or often years. I have also seen women who came to me for substance abuse that started with an abortion that they really were not prepared to have.
But as I said, some women move through it with barely a breeze.
I am not taking a position here other than to say you really need to think it through before making a decision. Think about who you are and how you are likely to feel afterwards. If you can't sort it out from the pressure you feel, you should seek some brief counseling to make sure you are doing what is truly best for you.
Lastly, you say you thought you had a good method of birth control. I cannot tell you how many women have said this to me over the years.
To avoid this terrible dilemma, perhaps it is time to make sure we are either on birth control or have the morning after pill or know our boundaries and limits. As women we need to be more aware of this, what it all really means and to understand what we are up against.

Lingering divorce creates dilemma on Father's Day

Orginally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on June 14, 2012

http://www.smdp.com/

 

Dear New Shrink,
I am having a terrible family problem that I hope you can advise me on. I can't afford a therapist right now, but really wish that I could.
To give you a somewhat complete picture, I am a Santa Monica College student about to transfer to a university and for now live with my mother. My parents divorced when I was just starting high school and it was and still is ugly. My two older brothers got out of here a while ago; in fact one has already graduated law school.
My problem is that I want to spend Father's Day with my father, but this will really upset my mother. She divorced him when she found out that he was having an affair with a woman on the East Coast during his business travels. He pleaded with her and wanted to go to counseling, but she declined and still has not forgiven him. She wants us, my brothers and I, to hate him the way she does.
My brothers just ignore her, but I can't because I live with her. I don't think what my father did was right, but he has always been a good dad and I think, overall, a good man. My parents were the masters of bickering before the divorce so I always wonder if that was part of the reason for his cheating.
Anyway, I would like to know if there is a way to handle this because Father's Day is approaching and even though he lives nearby, I did not see him last year.
I think this whole thing is very unfair to me and interestingly my one brother wants to go into family law. I know that they both have feelings, but they see both of our parents and ignore her anger.
Signed,
Unfairly Trapped

Dear Unfairly Trapped,
Let me just start by saying that it is clear that your mother feels a very deep sense of betrayal after a good number of years being married. It doesn't sound like she has gotten counseling, but she really should, and if any one of you could help her see this it would not only benefit her but would also help you. A life of resentment is a miserable one and only increases the odds of being bitter in her old age.
There is no question that this is unfair to you. Children should never be brought into the middle of their parents' problems or divorce. Often parents in a bitter divorce will use their children to get even, but that is absolutely and unequivocally wrong.
I am sure your brothers still feel it, but, as you say, you are more vulnerable to it.
It is interesting and probably no accident that your one brother wants to practice family law. Just the practice of law is generally a desire for justice.
I wonder if you have actually discussed this problem with your brothers; if not it would probably be a good idea. They might have a better perspective having been away for a while. I also imagine that you father understands the situation so explaining your dilemma to him might help, but on the other hand, if he is vindictive and/or has not moved on it could fuel the fire.
I do advise you to take some time to contemplate the fear you have of your mother's anger. Do you imagine that she will stop loving you or disown you? Or do you think she will just be angry because she feels so hurt and betrayed? Did she disown your brothers or does she simply assume that they go along with her and don't have a relationship with their father? Is she angry with them?
Anger can be a sign of something worse to come, but is sometimes used as a way to control others. Often it is just a cover up for the underlying pain.
Sometimes we get caught up in someone's anger and become afraid of it, unnecessarily so, especially when we are young and dependent on that person. Or actually even not so young people who feel dependent on someone's love and support are often afraid to deal with or confront that person's anger.
So, I think the most important place to start is by taking some quiet time to really think through what you mother is really about and what she will or won't do if you see your father. There is a good chance that she is just really hurt and her anger is a way to control the situation so that she doesn't feel any more pain. In this case, it is definitely something for her to work on but not something that you should allow to control you.
Hope this helps.

Too close for corporate gig?

Originally Published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on April 19, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I have had a very close friend for many years now and this special friend is very successful in business. I am soon to graduate with my master's degree and I have been offered a position with the business, but I would be my friend's employee, at least for a few years. We are both concerned about how this might affect our friendship. Do you have any special questions or advice that I should consider?
Thanks,
Excited but concerned

Dear Excited,
You ask an excellent question. There are many different cases of friends and families working together and from an emotional or psychological perspective the results have been varied. Some situations go extremely well and others go south faster than you might want to think.
In most cases, it depends on the family dynamics to begin with and how well prepared a family is for working together. There are specialists that work with families in business together. I know a few excellent ones; call me if you want some referrals.
Now, you ask about a good friend you've known for a long time. Working with them can either be great or really bad. It is rarely anything in between. There are many things to consider, questions to ask and expectations to explore.
In a sense, it is much like a marriage where the ideal images of the family, or in this case the business, needs to be explored in advance.
Role expectations need to be spelled out as much as possible and explored with each other. They are not likely to match 100 percent, but if you have worked them out in advance your chances of doing well are far better.
Also, it is really important that you discuss the inequality of your being an employee and your friend being your "boss." There may be enough in your education and experience to offset this inequality and if so you can be more like colleagues and that would be great. It is your friend's business that years of experience have gone into and as you mention, with much success. You wouldn't expect to come in at an equal level just coming out of school, but if you have enough to offer it may balance out nicely.
Try to think of all the possible situations that could arise and discuss them now. You can work out a way of handling them in the future should they come up.
Then you need to know your relationship. Is it just social? Or do you have a long-standing friendship where you honestly feel that you really know each other?
Some questions to ask are what will happen when one of you disappoints the other? Will you be able to talk it out? Have you ever had a fight or disagreement before? How did you work that out? Will you continue to want to spend social time together or will seeing each other at work mean spending less and less time together as friends?
It can go either way but typically when we get along we tend to spend more time with work friends. That is where many, if not most people, make their friendships.
It all depends on the two of you and your personalities and, most importantly, talking it out thoroughly first.
Then I think both of you might want to ask one or two other people that know you well if they can see or think of anything that might hinder your friendship or the working relationship. It's difficult to be more specific because it really depends on the personality of each of you. Hopefully you are close enough to know the sensitivities of the each other and whether or not your egos will clash down the road and over what types of things.
Finally, there is the issue of compensation and it is very important that neither one of you give in to the other, but instead you both are comfortable with the proposal. Be sure to consider long-term results. Down the road is there room to grow or will you always be at the same status. If you leave, what effects will that have on your relationship? How long are you expected to stay in the business before moving up?
A special friend is hard to lose but a good friendship can grow even better under the right circumstances. Just make sure you vet it first.
Good luck!

Whether to stay or go home?

Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on May 31, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/

Dear New Shrink,
I am about to graduate college and after four years here in Los Angeles, I am having trouble deciding whether to stay here or go home which is across the country.
I love it here and have been happy. I have been able to forget family problems but on the other hand, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. My family is also urging me to come home.
My family is completely dysfunctional. My father comes from an alcoholic family and he himself has an unacknowledged drinking problem. My mother is completely codependent and even though she is my best friend, I really feel like an orphan and have for years. She is almost glued to my father after discovering one shocking behavior after another.
A nanny who I adore but is no longer with our family basically raised me. My parents both worked long hours and we rarely even had dinner together. I have several siblings but we actually are not all that close. We seem to have all gone our own ways. I would probably have to live at home again unless I get a fantastic job right away.
I think the job market is better back home but I feel free and happy here in Los Angeles. I really am torn and do not know what to do. Obviously, I haven't got long to decide.
Please help with any thoughts you might have.
Signed,
Tortured

Dear Tortured,
Tortured is a very strong word to describe your situation and feelings. I really understand it though because your situation seems like a lose-lose with pain in whichever way you go.
I find myself wondering if you can't find a way to stay just a little bit longer so that you give yourself some time to process your feelings and perhaps start checking out the job market? If you can, I would also recommend you find some unbiased and professional help in making the best decision for yourself.
On the one hand you say you are happy and have a sense of freedom and it sounds like well being here in Los Angeles. You didn't mention friends here but after four years in college you must have made some good friends. Are any of them staying here in Los Angeles; can you create a support group here?
Also, you are too young to know it yet, but most people make a fair number of friends in their jobs. We spend a good amount of time in our working life and it is unusual if we do not make some pretty good friends. The exception of course, would be if you worked alone. But even then you could create a network and of course, there is always your alumni association.
On the other hand, long-time friends and family are very important attachments that generally speaking, we are lucky to have and I really understand your missing them.
But if your family is so unhealthy for you, I think you had better have a really good game plan if you do return and have to stay with them for a while.
You are not likely to change them so you had better be prepared for the emotional state you may find yourself in. Living with them again is likely to activate a lot of memories and old feelings.
This is part of the reason I recommend that you get some help to process your feelings and the things that happened and didn't happen for you. But also, I cannot tell you how important it is to recognize that we cannot just bury feelings alive. It never works; they always come back to haunt us in one way or another.
You have escaped these feelings temporarily by being away but they will catch up with you whether you go or stay here. In fact, your feeling so tortured right now is a significant sign that they really are not that far away.
I hope the small things that I can say will help you some but more so, I really hope you can find a way to take the pressure off and get some help in figuring this out before you find yourself making a decision that you regret.
It is not where you live, it is how you live that will make the difference.
I wish you the best of luck.