Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press on February 09, 2012
http://www.smdp.com/
Dear New Shrink,
With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I am becoming increasing nervous because I not only have a feeling but also have been secretly told that my boyfriend is about to propose to me.
I am very attracted to and involved with him and am not even sure why I am so nervous. But I have this thought that haunts me, "how is it that you know when you have found your right partner?" For me it is a very serious commitment and while I love him how can I be sure that he is the one that is truly right for me? How do I know that he is that one special one that I should spend my whole life with?
Signed,
Serious
Dear Serious,
This is a very important issue and question so I am happy for you that you know so too.
With divorce rates so high, it behooves you to ask yourself the right questions and think deeply about your choices.
Unfortunately, love is not enough. We often are very attracted to someone and even believe we are in love, but falling out of it comes far too easily if you don't have all the right ingredients.
There are a few secrets to making sure you have the right partner. First of all, there is what I refer to as the three Cs: common goals, character and communication. The first one seems obvious — common goals. It is clearly important to be on the same path, going in the same direction and having similar life plans. The more compatible you are the better because you will have conflict; all relationships do. It will be less if you have a lot in common and agree on your goals. I also highly recommend that you have a transpersonal goal as it can hold you together during rough times. A transpersonal goal is one that transcends you, something not personal but something that is equally important to both of you. It might be religion, or something political, it might be fighting for the right to bare arms or it could be saving the environment. Having that one thing that you both share and are passionate about can see you through the rough times.
Next, make sure your partner is someone with character that you like, admire and respect. This is critical. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really do not like or respect, it is going to be quite difficult to get along going forward. So in making your decision, pay close attention to how your potential partner treats other people. How does he treat the help, waitress, valet or everyday strangers?
Lastly, everyone knows or at least hears about how important communication is to a relationship. If you can't communicate during the beginning stages of a relationship, don't think you will change it later. Communication does not mean getting the other to do what you want. It means truly being able to listen, and to possess an openness that enables you to discuss your differences. You should be able to talk about what you need and what you want from the relationship. You are not going to get everything you want but you hopefully will at least try to give each other the things that you both need. The secret of staying in love is communication.
There is a saying that you don't really know that you have a relationship until you get through your first argument. Being able to fight and fight fairly is critical to an ongoing healthy relationship. So open up and see what is there, if you haven't done so already. But remember to always fight fair.
Don't get me wrong, these are hard things to do, but they should be your goal and if you work at it you will have a healthy, strong relationship that withstands all the seasons and the storms and inherent conflict of a relationship.
Lastly, be still and listen to your heart. Trust your intuition. If it is not right or if it is too soon, your boyfriend should understand because it is in his best interest as well. If you cannot manage this, you may have good reason for your anxiety.
Honesty does truly set us free. They say you will know when you find the right one. I think this is true if you are open, honest and trust your feelings.
Good luck!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Marriages Ending Badly
Why Do So Many Marriages end badly and so quickly?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press
Dear New Shrink,
I am engaged and in the process of planning my wedding. Most of my friends have already gotten married but a number of them also have already split up. Some of them have young children that they are already arguing over. It’s really sad.
I just don’t understand it and it worries me for myself.
Signed,
Worried about marriage
Dear Worried,
Great question and I hope to be helpful. Unfortunately it is true, at least here in the US and in North America; close to half of all first marriages end in divorce and there are even higher rates of divorce for second and third marriages.
Divorces are more likely in the young i.e., those who marry before the age of 25. They are still high but decline in percentage between ages 25-30 and the rates go way down after the age 30.
In our country there is no question that for most people, there is a great deal more maturity after 25 and then certainly after 30. We are generally much more aware of what we want in our late twenties and early thirties. Actually, our brains don’t even stop growing until age 25.
So I would say that part of the problem is that it is easy to fall in love especially when we are young but it is not so easy to stay in love. We call it “falling” into love because that is what it is, a falling into something. However, when the dust settles and we are faced with the realities of what we are, who are partners are and the differences and problems that exist in all relationships, the only easy falling is out.
It is now time for work, building a relationship that will work for both partners and can sustain the ebb and flow that always occurs in a relationship.
This work seems so difficult for us to do. We have become use to getting what we want; having instant results and answers and also, divorce has become okay with many of us. It no longer carries the stigma that is use to do.
We are not taking the time to develop our patience, our characters and to really work on the problems that face us. We are use to the Internet and finding quick solutions and easy answers. But relationships are different because as human beings we are complex, have feelings and relationships require process. They are inheritantly conflictual, they not ever going to be instant and easy.
We can make them easier by taking marriage seriously and doing some premarital counseling. This is a short term, maybe six to eight session work that examines our internalized views of family and our role expectations for our partners and ourselves. For example, we usually have ideas about what makes a good wife and what makes for a good husband. There are two sets of expectations making for the possibility of very different ideas about what is right or wrong.
In premarital work, you figure out what these expectations are and how closely they match. If they don’t, then you have the opportunity to work it out in advance or perhaps you decide you are not as well suited for each other as you thought.
It is easy to talk about goals and feelings and what you want going forward. But who will take out the trash, which one will be responsible for the social calendar, the bills, meals and the many things that go with having children is not something most folks think about or work out in advance. There can be some very hurt feelings and big resentments when things don’t go as expected.
Working this out in advance may not sound very romantic but it definitely can save a lot of heartache down the road.
There is another thing to note and that is while there are more divorces among the childless, it is with the birth of the first child that a lot of marital problems begin. This is because we go from being a romantic dyad to a triangle. Triangles are difficult to negotiate and infants cannot be negotiated. The relationship that we have become accustom to changes and if we are not prepared for it, dads can feel left out, hurt and angry and look for solace elsewhere e.g., in work, drinking or an affair. Moms can easily feel abandoned if their husbands are suddenly not as available when they need them the most. Often couples start fighting and don’t even know what they are fighting about. Lack of sleep does help but the point is that if they don’t start talking and figure it out, they are headed for a fall into the divorce pool.
Good News is that this can all be prevented with education, a thorough understanding of what can happen and ideally, some quick helpful premarital counseling.
Good Luck with your wedding and marriage.
Is Pot Causing My Son to be a Deadbeat
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
My husband and I are very worried about our son. He is in his mid twenties, has had an excellent education but all that he seems to be interested in is staying up late to play video games and sleeping until noon. He hasn’t gotten a job, doesn’t even look for one; he also doesn’t seem to be interested in having a girlfriend. Actually, he seems interested in very little.
We have been told that he smokes marijuana every day but he denies it. We both think that we have smelled it.
We realize that we are probably enabling him by allowing him to stay in our home but at the same time, the job market is bad and we are terribly worried about what will happen if we ask him to leave.
He simply does not seem capable of taking care of himself. This by the way is very different from the teenage son we use to have. Everything about him seems very different.
Can you tell us how to know if marijuana is causing this? What should we be doing if it is?
Signed,
Worried Parents
Dear Worried Parents,
I am sorry to say that you should be worried but there are some things that you can do.
I can’t say for sure that your son is smoking marijuana but he sure fits the profile. Marijuana is very easy to obtain, many people think that it is benign and most young people are trying it and many are using it regularly.
Marijuana is much stronger than it use to be and it has a very long half life which is the number of hours or days that the drug is still in your system. It also stores in the fat cells, so daily users are really stoned all of the time whether they realize it or not.
Everything you said about your son is consistent with what can happen with regular marijuana use. Contrary to popular opinion, it is addictive. Addiction means difficulty with controlling drug use (or a behavior) and not being able to stop even though it is interfering with one’s life.
There is documented proof that many regular long-term users experience a withdrawal syndrome of irritability, anxiety, sleeping problems and craving. Fifteen percent (15%) of people entering drug treatment say that marijuana is their drug of choice.
Marijuana is linked with several very disturbing mental health problems. There is strong evidence suggesting that it can lead to psychosis or a brief psychotic episode that gradually fades away when the drug is withdrawn.
Research has shown definite negative effects on attention; memory and learning all of which can last for days or weeks after the acute effects wear off. There is really no question that regular users are impaired in their daily functioning.
This is not to say that marijuana is bad in general or for all people. I am not talking about occasional social or recreational use of marijuana. Generally, it is the regular users of it that experience the negative effects and are at increased risk for psychosis, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety or personality disturbances. Of course, like alcohol, marijuana is very intoxicating and no one should drive under its influence.
One of the longest standing concerns about marijuana has been with what is known as “amotivational syndrome,” which is a diminished or absent drive to participate in what would typically be rewarding experiences. Along with reduced intellectual ability and the cognitive impairment associated with regular use, it is no surprise that many of these people have less educational accomplishments, lower incomes and far lower career achievements.
The good news is that you can do something for your son. You can take him to your family physician to be tested or there are over the counter drug tests that are very reliable. If he is using regularly and cannot stop, it would clearly explain the behavior you are worried about. You son may need help to quit and get started up again with a normal life.
There are treatment programs and there are addiction specialists that can help him if he can’t help himself. Some physicians or psychiatrists that specialize in addiction medicine may prescribe some temporary medications to help him detoxify. There are also groups and 12-Step Programs for marijuana users.
If what you are seeing and thinking is correct, your son most likely needs help. And enabling him will not help him. There is something in between putting him out vs. continuing to support him while looking the other way.
Find out what is truly going on and do something about it.
Best of Luck!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
2012: Leave the Baggage Behind
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |||
New Year Resolutions?
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Are Your New Year Resolutions For Real?
Dear New Shrink,
You won’t believe this but my husband and I actually got into an argument over New Year resolutions. It’s nothing serious, mostly silly but I thought I would ask your opinion on it.
I won’t say whom, but one of us thinks that resolutions are nonsense and the other thinks that they are important. Important to help us set our goals and to try to be disciplined for the year ahead.
What do you think?
Signed
Silly
Dear Silly,
I don’t think that resolutions are silly at all but the truth is that most of us do not keep them. This is primarily because we over shoot the mark. We make BIG promises to ourselves that we are not likely to keep because they are not realistic.
If you are going to make a resolution, you need to consider several things.
1. Is this a realistic goal or a pipe dream?
2. Look over the past year, was there something you know you needed to change or work on but somehow you did not get around to it? If so, maybe that should be a goal for 2011, a resolution, if you are going to keep your promise to yourself this time.
3. Many of our resolutions are unrealistic because they are simply beyond our control; not something we can do on our own without help.
4. If you are talking about stopping some self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugging, overeating, spending, gambling etc., you need to make your resolution be “ I am going to get help with this and try my best to stop it” with the help! Decide what a few help options might be and give yourself until the end of January (no longer) to research them and pick one to get started with immediately.
5. If you have marital conflict or relationship issues, and you had them around this time last year, you need to consider getting the appropriate help and quit wasting time on something so valuable. In order to make your resolution real, have it be that you will call someone for help before the end of January.
6. Lots of people join gyms, spend money on sign-ups for self help things but don’t follow through a month or two later. Don’t waste the money. Think it through and if you decide its right for you, perhaps tell a friend or two about it so that you are more likely to keep your commitment.
7. Don’t make promises to yourself that you can’t keep. Try to be as self-reflective and honest with yourself as you can be and then choose realistic goals. Again, consider telling a friend, or using the buddy system.
8. Keep in mind that we often feel guilty or bad about ourselves if we don’t keep a resolution, so what is the point of making it if we haven’t really thought it through and made sure that it is a good one for us?
9. It is a good idea to use the first of the year to take stock of ourselves and to think about what we need to be doing going forward. Use your time and thoughts wisely rather then making resolutions that are not well thought out or truly important.
10.In thinking about yourself, be introspective; think about what is valuable and meaningful to you. Whatever you decide to do, it should be based on what is truly important to you and NOT on what others may think or what you want to do to impress someone else.
11. Perhaps you want to do something to help others, contribute in someway to your community? Maybe your resolution is not just about doing something for you. Resolutions should not only be realistic, they should be meaningful and something you really can and will do because of their importance and value to you.
12.Finally, a resolution is meant to be about bringing you more joy and happiness in the coming year. So make sure that you make one or more that will bring you true inner joy.
Remember, resolutions mean that we have resolved to do something. This requires serious contemplation and should always be something you are sure you want to do, will get help doing if need be, and something that is meaningful to you and will bring joy to your heart.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The Dread of Loss, Real and Imagined
Originally posted in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Get Tiger Purring
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press www.smdp.com
Dear New Shrink,
I am an avid golfer and golf follower and I just cannot understand what has happened to Tiger Woods. He was the #1 Golfer in the world and now he can’t seem to get a grip.
There are all kinds of ideas and gossip on the Golf course but I am wondering if it doesn’t all come down to psychology in some way.
He can’t have lost his skill, can he? Without some kind of physical injury, I just don’t see why he or anyone else would lose their skill.
I hope you have some ideas. Two years later, it is still quite sad to me.
Signed,
Sad Golfer
Dear Sad Golfer,
I think you are quite right. It is definitely a sad situation from a psychological perspective but I think he might get his game back eventually.
As you may well know, Tiger Woods was a child prodigy, literally on The Mike Douglas Show putting against Bob Hope at the age of two. At age three, he shot a 48 over nine holes in Cypress, California where he grew up and was in Golf Digest by age five. He went on to win numerous under age championships before the age of ten and broke his first 80 at age eight.
Tiger’s father was a great amateur golfer, very athletic and was the one who introduced his young son to golf at the age of two. No doubt his father was thrilled by his son’s skill and was his biggest supporter and fan.
This all sounds great and as you say, clearly the skill is there. And you are also correct that without a physical or neurological injury skills are not lost. Research has shown that even long forgotten skills can be retrieved with hypnosis.
The psychological piece seems to be a lack of self-confidence at a very deep level. Unfortunately, child prodigies often become very dependent on the praise and adoration that they receive for their skills and in so much, they develop a kind of “idealized self” instead of a real self.
We all need time to explore ourselves and our environments in order to develop a real self and we also need the support of our parents or caregivers to feel good about it.
When you have an idealized self that is dependent on adoration, it really does require a constant flow of adoration to keep it from deflating.
In Tiger’s case, his father died and he lost his major source of support. But apparently through his success and the affairs that he had, he had enough adoration to go on as the greatest player.
But two years ago, his world came tumbling down and he not only lost all that support and adoration but he was forced to face a great deal of disappointment and disgust from his past admirers.
From what I can tell, he deflated big time and has not yet regained his self-confidence. Even if others no longer look at him funny or with disgust, somewhere in his mind he sees all those eyes frowning upon him. His idealized self has been crushed. It will take a great deal of reparation to find his real self and to feel good enough to play with the skill he really has. I hope for his sake that he has continued his therapy.
A similar case is Michael Jackson. He was a child prodigy who was totally adored for his entertainment of us by the age of five and onward. He clearly did not lose his skill but one had only to watch him after he was accused of child molestation to know that he was broken inside. And the crowds no longer adored him in the same way. Much like Tiger, he had to deal with the eyes of disdain and disgust looking down upon him. Even though Michael was never found guilty, his idealized self was crushed and from the looks of it, he turned to drugs to pump himself up. Terribly sad because it is too late for him and had he not died, it looks as if he may have had success with his come back tour. Whether he could have then been able to kick his drug habits we will never know.
Tiger Woods turned to another kind of addictive behavior to pump himself up and as far as we all know, he is now without it. His only choice is to continue strengthening his real self and building back his self-confidence.
Being a child prodigy is not without significant costs.
Thank you for your question; it’s a great one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)